Be a better version of yourself in 2020

Just keep swimming... a phrase I
tell myself often, especially
when I want to give up (thanks to Dory
from Finding Nemo)

Are you exhausted or exhilarated as the new year begins? 

Holiday gatherings and celebrations can come with an endless to-do list, and perhaps a little too much sugar, rich food, and too many special drinks. 

Yet year-end also brings hope, an eagerness for change, and enthusiasm for newly set goals, resolutions, or intentions. It's a fresh start, when we reflect, assess, rethink, revisit, and dream about our future, even though realistically, we can do this at any time of year we choose. 

Intentionally choose... 

My intention this year is to be a better version of myself than I was last year and to put even better energy into the world. 

What did I learn, do, or experience that I want to take with me into this new year? What didn't I do that I want to recommit to or add? I've reflected on these for the last few weeks, a process which starts on my mid-December birthday and continues through mid-January with the holiday wind-down and more time to think. 

A phrase that popped into my head recently, and continues to show up: take nothing for granted. I don't think I do, but there it was. I'm not sure what it means for me yet, but I'll see how it evolves. 

A few other meaningful words, phrases, and thoughts I'm starting the year with: 

• everything I want lives on the other side of fear
• self-care is health-care
• see problems as projects, or a puzzle to continually solve (this is what makes life interesting)
• our shadow side has something to teach us; embrace it
• don't believe everything I think 

Marie Forleo's book, Everything is Figure-out-able, is one of the 30+ books I've told myself I want to read this year. Since I think I read just 10 last year, that's a big commitment. And, everything IS figure-out-able—whether figuring out how to read 30+ books in a year, or achieving the intentions I set for the year.  

Things to stop doing

Besides the list of goals and resolutions for 2020, we might want to also look at what to stop doing, or do differently. The Broken Brain podcast (#87 in case it's no longer on top when you come across this) has a great list of things that hold us back—those things that trip us up, that we should stop or think about differently. The list was useful, so here's my take on it: 

1. Stop obsessing about what others think of you; it's none of your business and doesn't help you, you'll never be all things to all people, nor should you want to be
2. Stop wasting time on social media; that's not to say don't use social media; it can be a great tool—just be mindful and use it wisely
3. Don't think you need to or should do everything by yourself; ask for help or support from friends (I have a lot of room for improvement here)
4. Don't blame anyone for your situation or circumstances; look within... whatever happened may not be your fault, but you're responsible for what you do next
5. Don't let life just happen to you, be intentional: what do you really want—today, tomorrow, next year, when you're 90? Set an intention the night before about what you want the next day to look/feel like (this is something I want to be better at)
6. Stop spending time with people who don't energize you, who drain you, or that you don't feel better about yourself when you're around them; many of our relationships are habitualized or obligatory... it's OK to say no and set boundaries, or just let go 
7. Reflect on what you consume intellectually; what content are you engaging with—books, film, news, online... do these make you better, inspire you, energize you, or do they give you anxiety, promote fear, or in some way make you feel less than
8. Stop living by other people's expectations or ideas of what you should do and who you should be; the top regrets of the dying are not living an authentic life and not choosing to be happier
9. Stop being hard on yourself, and give yourself some grace; perfect is the enemy of the good, and imperfect action, consistently, moves you forward

Don't let rain clouds stop you... behind
every cloud is sunshine and blue sky. 

So, what does 2020 look like for you? How can you be a better version of yourself? How can you keep on swimming, even when you don't feel like it, and take steps that move you in the direction you want to go? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Ready, set... reset

I took this photo when I stayed here 6 years ago, 
and my 'seagull series' remains a favorite. 
This may have even been from the 
same balcony. 

A storm came up on my Thursday drive to Cannon Beach, Oregon from Seattle, with unrelenting high wind and pelting rain until Saturday morning. I hunkered down in my hotel room—a good thing since I paid extra for that ocean-front view this time.  

I'm deeply in need of a reset: body, mind, spirit... from diet to finances to... well, right now it feels like everything. This place is magic for me: open ocean, crashing waves, lengthy beaches, monolithic sea stacks, a delightful town center, fantastic local food, and, were I to venture farther, more charming pocket towns to explore along the coast just a short drive away.  

Revisiting self-care

How I reset can take different forms, depending on my current experience: stream-of-consciousness writing, journaling, reading, walking, meditating, a change in diet, or as of this moment, staring at and listening to the ocean, sitting next to the fire. Sometimes just a change in scenery has a powerful impact.  

I came here loaded with books, a journal and notepads, my laptop, tea, a swimsuit and running shoes, my camera, and nourishing things—because I don't yet know what "reset" requires.  

I use Insight Timer nearly every morning to help me meditate, a practice I aim for but can't say I'm good at, but sets the tone for my day. Lately, I'm not very focused, so I need that "me time." 

Waking up

A friend pinged me with some urgency before I left to suggest I listen to Sam Harris, both his podcast Making Sense and his Waking Up meditation course during this reset. His timing was perfect.  

On the drive, I listened to Sam's podcast with Roland Griffiths, Ph.D., a Johns Hopkins University professor of psychiatry and neuroscience. He's doing extraordinary work with psychedelics. Researchers today are building on work that started in the 1940s but got sidelined in the '60s; sadly, recreational psychedelic use freaked out the powerful who then killed the research. Thankfully, research now shows intriguing results for those who suffer from otherwise hard-to-treat conditions, like PTSD. Michael Pollan ("eat food, mostly plants, not too much") speaks to this in How to Change Your Mind.  

I also started Sam's Waking Up course to help unwind, regroup, and regenerate. 

Year-end intention

That's my intention for the next two weeks: regroup, reset, regenerate. 

This year-end reset ritual is a regular practice, although how I do it differs each year. My birthday (Dec. 19) and winter solstice—the shortest day and longest night of the year—marks the beginning of my self-reflection—my own new year. For many cultures, this is a solstice tradition; both solstice celebrations and Christmas are grounded in pagan rituals. (Here's an inspiring travel article.)

My prompts for thinking and writing: 

• What do I want my life to look like, particularly the year ahead?
• Are there themes to focus on? 
• Beyond goals, what intentions must be set? 

My birthday dessert, 
Stephanie Inn
chocolate pot-de-creme

Solitude and time alone are requirements, away from distractions and what's familiar.  

I need to breathe, walk, meditate, read, eat well, write, and sleep.... and this weekend, stare at the ocean and listen to the surf.   

Just 'be' 

Sometimes just being is enough. We're always doing, so not doing is essential. Early in Sam's Waking Up course, he quotes Socrates: A life unexamined is not worth living. Or at least, he adds, it may be worth living, but it's not very interesting. Our purpose is to grow and evolve, and we must just be to integrate learning, let go, and recalibrate. 

#soulretreat #selfcareishealthcare #healthcareisselfcare 



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

What to do when you don't know what to do

As we begin the close-out of another year, there's no shortage of things that must be done. There's an urgency in the air, no matter how few obligations you actually have. That's true for me, at least, with no parents or children (other than my "little" through Big Sisters) that come with requirements.  

And still, year-end to-do lists are lengthy. There are still presents to make, purchase, wrap, package, give, or mail; cards and notes to write and send; holiday parties and people to see; goals and intentions to revisit or finish; year-end work projects, reports, and expenses to submit; and of course, prepping for the weather as winter officially arrives. 

Too-long to-do lists can be paralyzing. Even when it's self-generated. 

Do one thing... 

I occasionally read Marc and Angel Hack Life, a blog with over 100k followers, who advise their readers and clients when they're in this place to do just one thing: wash their dishes. 

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, it's much easier to prioritize and see what's next. 

One go-to tactic is putting away clutter. Anything not in its rightful place gets put where it needs to be--hanging up coats, neatly stacking overflowing books and magazines... this is especially necessary if you live in a small space. 

Another tactic: keep a paper shopping bag tucked away for unwanted items to take to a charity shop or in some other way rehome. 

Bigger projects, or space to dream 

When we do our dishes and put away clutter, we make space in our heads. An uncluttered mind creates space for new ideas, projects, or just regenerating. Perhaps there's a side hustle you want to launch? 

Without the distractions of clutter and mess, your goals, dreams, and ideals have more room to flourish. 

As we approach the end of another year, it's the perfect time to reflect. What no longer fits, literally and figuratively? What no longer supports you, your goals, or your dreams? Hindsight is a great teacher: look back at the year and see what worked, what didn't, when you were thriving, when you were learning, and what you were doing. Everything is information, and we have to allow ourselves to process and access it. 

Here's a helpful exercise: 

• take a piece of paper, fold it in thirds
• write in the first column something you remember about the year that had meaning for you
• write in the second column why it had meaning and what you learned
• write in the third column what about that want or don't want to take into the new year with you. 

Let that guide you as you set goals or intentions for the coming year. 

Start with your dishes. Then take the next step. 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Six months in: Take stock, celebrate wins, course correct

If left unchecked, weeds creep in
and keep our plants from thriving.
The same is true for our thoughts,
feelings and behaviors.    

We're just over six months into 2019, so it seems like a good time to stop, notice, and celebrate our wins so far this year, whether they're large or small.  

Celebrating success is motivating, no matter how small those successes. It's like the debt snowball Dave Ramsey talks about in his money makeover programs: pay off your smallest debt first, then tackle the next smallest. It builds a trail of success that has the potential to grow exponentially. 

Don't climb the wrong ladder...

It's also a great time to check and adjust. There's a saying about reaching the top of your proverbial career ladder, only to discover you climbed the wrong ladder... this applies whether you're climbing the ladder at work, pursuing a dream that you later discover wasn't yours, or doing something that doesn't align with your values.  

A few questions to ask yourself: Do the intentions you set in January still fit? Are you taking the right actions to reach your goals, dreams, and desires? What must you stop, start, or re-assess so that at the end of the year, you feel like you accomplished something important to you?  

We always want to stop and check in with ourselves to make sure we add meaning to our lives. If something isn't working or no longer fits, it's OK to stop doing it. You don't need permission. Re-set. Re-align. What daily actions might fit better than what you're doing now?  

Small wins

Most of my wins this year so far are small, but I'm OK with this. I'm making steady progress, creating and building, and I'm mostly consistent. 

This blog, for instance. I'm writing weekly and have since the first week of January—a challenge I set for myself. I'm building my writing muscle and learning to use my voice in ways I haven't before, about subjects I care about rather than the business topics I write about for work. I didn't know if I could do it, how it would shake out, or who would read it. None of that mattered when I started. 

I also count my new morning and evening rituals as small wins, something I started in early May but had to revisit in late June. How I initially set them up didn't work for me when I got hit with a headache; my new routines do. And they fit with my bigger intention of optimal health and well-being. 

Big wins

I don't have anything I'd classify as really big and tangible so far, but I have a few intangibles, and I'm taking action to land a big win or two by year's end. Those action steps include refining and more clearly defining my priorities, purpose, passions, and values, as well as my short- and long-term goals. These may seem like small wins, but collectively, they feel like and lead to a big win. I'm also setting up meetings to talk about work and life. Change is in the air, and that's a big win. 

Tend to your internal house or
it could end up like this place...
(Second Ave., Belltown, Seattle)

I found my voice this year in ways I didn't know I needed to. A coaching session revealed I'd benefit from taking up space and using that voice. I'm setting boundaries and stating my needs in ways I haven't before—at work, with friends, at home. Sadly, I lost a friend in the process, but I also gained a friend. Change creates change: when we alter who we are, those around us may react, or sometimes, they change, too. Sometimes, we just have to let go. 

I don't want to suggest that wins imply loss, because it's all perception. Loss is also winning. Anytime we gain new awareness, learn, shift our perception, and grow, we win. We really can't lose unless we choose to. 

Enable success

A tip to ensure progress, since we don't set intentions or goals, or have aspirations or dreams, with no desire to fulfill them, is to write everything down in a way you can measure where you are and what you must do to get where you want to go. This doesn't need to be complicated—keep a list in your phone, on your refrigerator, or whatever tracking method works best for you.  

The important thing is to make sure you're moving forward, by one small step or leaps and bounds, and if you're headed in the wrong direction, to course correct as soon as possible. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Are you interested or committed? Why it matters...

When you commit wholeheartedly, nearly everything is possible.  

The multitude of lilac suckers
in my garden suggest they're
fully committed to thriving. 

Don't believe me? When you successfully achieve a goal you set for yourself, or realize a dream you have, how did you accomplish it? Were you committed to the result you wanted, or merely interested?  

There's a clear distinction between the two. 

Knowing the difference matters. 

Whatever you want to do in life, choose it, claim it, and then commit to it. If you're only interested, the odds of getting it aren't in your favor. If there's something you really want to experience, accomplish, or achieve, you must commit. 

Commitment = accomplishment...

Commitment means you will accomplish the goal you've set or the dream you desire because you'll do whatever it takes to make it happen, no matter how slow or how many obstacles show up to derail you. It's an investment of time, resources, energy... you're all in. 

For example, I'm interested in:

• Being more fit and exercising regularly so I have more energy 
• Improving my overall health by not eating sugary things
• Getting bad habits in check by re-doing a Whole30 reset
• Having greater resources in the bank by spending less and saving more

Am I doing what I must to achieve these? Partly. Recognizing as I write this, I've set goals and intentions, but clearly I'm not fully committed to doing all it takes to achieve them. There are too many shiny objects, too many squirrels, too many opportunities to eat badly and do things that don't align with what I say I want. I see progress, but based on my actions and choices, I won't get the result I want, especially in my desired time frame.


It's not willpower... 

Willpower doesn't apply. Willpower is one of those words that sends me running in the other direction, like diet, where suddenly I'm famished and want to eat anything I can, especially the things I usually say no to. 

Determination and discipline, along with clarity about what you really want, are what it takes to get what you want. If you don't think you're disciplined, think about a time you've really wanted something. What did you do? What actions did you take?  

Cherry blossoms add beauty,
and return year after year,
but they don't have the
tenacity of lilacs.

Knowing whether you're committed or interested will tell you what's really important to you. 

How to tell the difference? Notice how motivated you are to do the thing in front of you that leads toward the result you want. Sometimes we look too far ahead (it's not the mountains ahead, but the rocks in your shoe...), and it all feels too hard. You don't feel capable, or you don't have the resources you need. Maybe it suddenly feels impossible, and the voice in your head says you can't. Some of us are afraid of failing, some, of succeeding, because even success has risks. If you're commitment-phobic, that doesn't serve you. You can always change your mind if you come across new information, or replace the goal or dream with something better. 

Energy conspires in your favor... 

I've also come to believe this: Once one is committed, providence moves on your behalf.

Rightly or wrongly attributed to philosophical author Goethe, once you commit to something—fully commit—I'm certain you'll find evidence for this. 

Hindsight being 20/20, I have proved this to myself again and again, often when it comes to career choices. And whether you believe in providence, a higher power, ether, energy, meta- or quantum physics... something out there makes it true. 

You don't have to believe me. Test it. Fully commit, know it, feel it, visualize the result you want, and take the step you see in front of you. What's yours to do? If you don't know, trust it'll reveal itself and do what shows up. It may take some time, and there may be two steps forward and one step back, but I'm certain that when you look back at some point in the future, you'll see how things have opened up to help you get where you want to go.  

I think I first heard this in Landmark Education's The Forum a lifetime ago, when I and all my workmates did this crazy thing together in Vancouver. Three days in a room filled with rules seemed over the top, but having spent that time together and learned the things we learned, we accomplished more than we expected during a year-long project bringing music and tourism to British Columbia. It was intense, but it was fun, and this, and a number of other learnings from that time, stuck with me. 

Test it!

What do you want to achieve today? This week? This year? In your lifetime? Are you interested or are you committed? Try it today—what will you commit to just for today? Like they say in 12-step programs, just for today is a great place to start. Just for today, commit to one thing to test the result. Be sure you're committed, though, and not just interested. 

Here's one to try if you're stuck. Today, commit to loving yourself fully. What would that look like? Do you feed your body the fuel it needs to function or do you feed your emotions for comfort? What's the result? Do you get outside and get some air and walk for exercise? Are your actions aligned with your goals and desires? Do you do the things you say are important to you? At the end of the day, what do you want to be able to say you did, felt, experienced? Claim it, commit to it, and see what happens.  

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here.

Mindfulness habits to do every day

I'm cheating a little this week in my commitment to write a post a week. Back when I worked for a health insurance company, I wrote wellness posts for their lifestyle blog. Most of those posts are no longer available, and there were several I really liked, including this one. It originally posted on Nov. 3, 2013, and for posterity, I'm posting it here (with a few minor modifications). 


60 Seconds of Mindfulness

I have a hamster wheel in my head. The speed and velocity of the spinning depend on whatever's going on in my world at a given time—I have a busy job and I'm in a training program that takes up many of my non-work hours. Conscious effort is needed to slow the spinning, and maintaining any kind of regular meditation practice is a continual challenge. 

On a whim, I picked up an Eckhart Tolle CD about meditation while shopping at my local food co-op. Author of The Power of Now, I'm only loosely familiar with Tolle's work. I've found while conceptually I like his work, I don't love his writing. But I digress.

While I don't always practice it, I've long subscribed to the notion that the point of power is in the present moment. The CD's subtitle is, "practicing presence in every moment of your life," so I thought I'd give it a shot. 

The nugget came early in the CD. Tolle says even those who achieve great states of consciousness when they meditate may still have gaps in their daily lives. He suggests finding ways to bring presence into everyday life, recommending mini-meditations—something you can do wherever you are. For example, every time you get in your car, take 30 seconds to practice being present. 

Mini-meditation? I was intrigued. Now I have a daily practice of two 60-second meditations, once before I leave my driveway for work in the morning, and again when I leave work in the evening. I knew I needed a reminder until I formed a habit, so I put a sticker on my dashboard that reads :60. An unwitting passenger might see this as a note-to-self to do the speed limit on the freeway, but I know differently. 

My 60-second meditations change daily, but I typically focus on one of the following.  


Presence

To stay present in the moment, I may focus on my breath, noticing my inhales and exhales. Sometimes I check in with how I feel both inside and out. For example, when I'm aware of my current anxiety, as I focus for 60 seconds, it dissipates. Or I notice that the temperature is cold, and I'm suddenly more cognizant of my immediate physical surroundings. I may hear birds or traffic, and rather than worrying about my to-do list, I'll focus on what I hear. 

Gratitude

I have so much to be grateful for, yet it's sometimes easy to forget when the day-to-day gets in the way. I direct my attention here: I have a great job, a comfortable home, a partner who loves me, and I'm healthy. Some days, it's just the little things (like fuzzy slippers, dry shoes, or having money for lunch). 

Setting intentions

What do I want to create or accomplish today? Intentions look to the future, but they're stated as if they already exist. These help keep me focused and mindful throughout the day, responding rather than reacting to whatever shows up.

Stating affirmations

Affirmations are a bit like exercise. Do them enough and they can help shift your thinking, break a habit, or reinforce your stated intentions. Even something as simple as, "I'm capable and I can do this" in moments of self-doubt can have exceptional results. 

It may only be two minutes a day, but it works. I started this practice a few months ago, and I've noticed I'm more focused and calm. I can also apply this technique if the day starts getting the best of me, anytime, anywhere. While the hamster wheel may still spin, it's spinning less often and not nearly as fast. 


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here.

In the driver's seat

Closed doors don't have to be deterrents,
especially if they lead to the beach. 

Where are you headed? Or, as Robert Kiyosaki asks in Rich Dad, Poor Dad, "Where is this daily activity taking you?"

Between now and the ultimate destination we all share━our final resting place or the afterlife, or whatever you believe━we have more control than most of us think about what gets done in between.  

Don't we all want meaningful lives? No regrets when it's all said and done? 

I know I do. 

Early on, I didn't know I had control over my destiny. I made a lot of bad decisions, and assumed things "just happened to me". A long-time acquaintance once observed that I couldn't get any traction; he was talking about my career and finances, but he could've said that about any part of my life. I felt like the proverbial rug was consistently pulled from underneath me whenever I finally got things moving, or found some flow. I was held victim to my circumstances━they drove my beliefs and consequently, my actions and what I experienced. 


Consciousness is cause? 

This, even though I was introduced in my early 20s to the idea of consciousness as cause, that I could change my thoughts and therefore change my life. I don't remember hearing about deep-seated beliefs, nor how they drove my circumstances, no matter what I did with my thoughts. 

Affirmations are great, but until you know who's driving, you'll only get so far. 

Not-my-cat (aka #nmc) in my suitcase;
he only *thinks* he's driving.

My inner mean girl had my route mapped out. She told me I was stupid, not enough, nor worthy, why bother... I couldn't have whatever it was I wanted. I still set goals, stated affirmations, did the work, and even made progress. But only incremental. I didn't really believe I deserved what I wanted. 

It wasn't until a therapist asked me if I believed life is hard that I finally got "life just is" and that I could make better decisions and consciously create my future. I saw the beliefs that ran my life, and at last shifted my inner dialogue. The words were now just an ingrained habit, so as with any bad habit, I focused my attention to change it. 

Intention, plus attention, followed by daily action, will move you in the direction you want to go.  

The future calls me in... 

My past no longer dictates my future. My future calls me in based on my choices, intentions, and new beliefs━I'm worthy, smart, creative, and I can have what I want. I know what I want my life to look like. There are things I must now learn that I was incapable of understanding with the old mindset, and change behaviors that support my direction, but that's all possible. 

Sometimes I detour back and briefly get stuck, make the occasional bad decision, repeat an old belief... but what's different is I now know it's mine to choose, and I see the impact on my outcomes. 

What is it you're looking for? What do you want your life to look like? Do you believe your past must determine your future? Do you have beliefs running in the background that trip you up and send you on detours?  

To find out, pay close attention to what you tell yourself when you're not paying attention, or when things aren't going the way you want them to. That's where the insights come from. 

Own your power, know your worth

And that's where the power is. You can change your mind and change your actions. Daily actions━notice your inner dialogue, write a new script, and choose activities that support your direction━will make sure you're the one who's driving.  


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching, which you can find out more about here. 

When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene

Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background

Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!

The answer is gratitude

Sombrio Beach, BC

A fresh start, a clean slate, a new year... Don't we all have high hopes for the year ahead when the clock strikes midnight and a new year begins?

I do. However, few of us have an easy time during the holidays, which largely culminate on New Year's Day. Family dynamics, our financial circumstances, our health, and so much more impact how we feel on this first day out. 

That's why it helps me to see this day as a continuation; while it is a new day, New Year's Day is, in reality, a 'next' day in a continuum. 

But today, as another day starts and this new year begins, I'm worried. Mindful that worry has power, I know feeling gratitude is key. And... 

Worry activates a future we don't want...

There's a lot of noise in the world, and there's little I can do about it. Yet, my worry list continually repeats the negatives from the inputs of the day: 

• our currently precarious economy, a government shutdown, a potential wall and rampant isms
• increased property crime in my 'hood, and how those tasked to protect and serve don't, won't, or can't
• the hardships so many currently experience (and how my usual mantra, "I feel with loving compassion..." isn't appropriate for all circumstances right now)
• what happens to others because of bias 
• a seeming lack of kindness, consideration, and civility everywhere

I know worry doesn't serve me or the world. I can't project the future; I'm making assumptions and projecting. Imagining the worst.  

Why is it so hard to imagine the best???  

Socially, we're conditioned to imagine the worst, but it's deeper than that. Genetically, worry and fear saved us. Today, though, life is rarely life threatening (for those of us with privilege). (An aside: imagining is an important tool, however; read The Gift of Fear and The Unthinkable -- books I highly recommend to everyone.) 

Be intentional with your words

Words have power. They can guide us and help us stay on track. One approach I take is choosing an annual word to represent where I want to focus each year, and this helps me imagine the best. 

My word for 2016 was invest. And then, not long after the start of the year, I was laid off. Suddenly, investment looked very different than I initially intended, and I re-interpreted that word to invest in myself -- internal confidence, skill building, and building community. 

In 2017, my words were expansiveness and spaciousness, and I see how these played out, although again, differently than initially intended. I started two new jobs, took on new challenges, drove cross-country, built new networks, furthered community, shifted more limiting beliefs, and developed practices to support positive change. 

Vancouver Island

In 2018, my word was deliberate -- focusing on experiences, not 'stuff', learning my new job, and practicing self-care. I tracked my spending, and in most ways, spent less. I changed my diet, lost 12 pounds, and at the end of the year, my blood work was the best its been in years. I went to more concerts, saw more shows, spent more time with friends, and mostly stayed true to my focus and beliefs. 

Words are my framework; they motivate me, support me, re-engage me. I've made countless changes in my life in part because of using words deliberately, including creating a solid foundation with my partner. We have done the work, and we've landed in a good place, with a future we can look forward to.  

Now it's time to reap the rewards of that work. So I'm leaning toward manifest or fruition as my word(s) for 2019.

But first... gratitude. Gratitude is my keyword. It underpins everything else. It's at my essence and is essential for managing life's curve balls. Because we may not achieve everything we've planned for 2019; we still have challenges ahead and all those worries I mentioned. There's so much we can't control.  

Changing the dialogue...  

I believe consciousness is cause. I also believe we're all capable and creative. And it's up to me to direct my inner dialogue away from that which doesn't help. 

So, here goes. 2019 is the year I: 

• deepen my belief that everything works for me, even if it doesn't always seem that way 
• repair my relationship with money, making that work better for me, too
• get my house in order, literally and figuratively
• own my worth--not just know it, but own it, and accept nothing less
• write more
• ... and try harder to believe in miracles... 

I recently heard the questions, "What miracles would you love to experience this year? What would be an outrageous good and transform your world?" I'm going to ponder these for the next week or so and see what shows up. 

The key to manifesting miracles is gratitude. Living from gratitude makes our days look brighter and more seems possible. Add in grace, compassion, and forgiveness, and it's a mixture for deeper satisfaction.  

I don't want for anything--I have a warm, comfortable home, a loving partner who's a staunch companion, a good job with a steady paycheck, a satisfying social network, and I'm generally healthy in mind, body, and spirit. 

That's a lot to be grateful for. And for now, that's really all I need to focus on. Because with gratitude, all things are possible. 

Full stop. Total reset.

Spring snow

Ever get to a point where you just need to stop and re-evaluate? Start fresh?

Yeah. Me, too. 

Spring officially arrived this week (though it doesn't really feel like it), and it seems like a great time for an overhaul. And, while some advise against changing more than one thing at once, I don't want to wait.

Nothing's wrong, but I want more. Not more "stuff" or more on my to do list, but more energy, more freedom, and more joy. I'm ready to shed those bad habits that keep me from what I say I want.

Those bad habits have consequences, like sluggishness, fatigue, digestion challenges, and weigh gain. My finances are looking up, thanks to a new job, but more debt than I'm comfortable with is a consequence of two years of less-than-optimal income, coupled with some lousy spending habits I cultivated growing up.

So in case my efforts help you, too, here's what I'm doing if you want to shake a few things up, too.

Less is more 

1. Credit card debt is my least favorite thing. Mom always said it's there when you need it, and I agree. I'm grateful I've had it when times were hard. And, the credit hangover is real. So I'm noticing my spending habits and reading about others who gained control over theirs. Here's my plan:

  
• Track spending. It's a terrible name, but the Numreceipt app does what I want it to do. Others like Mint are more complex. I don't need a budget tool; I just need to know where, when, and why I spend money (ahem... not always aligned with my values). This app lets me add random notes, such as whether it was retail therapy, 'entertainment', or an actual needed purchase, like groceries. I started tracking mid-February and I'm already spending more mindfully because I know I'll enter every cent I spend. (This is awareness building, not punitive, so I can't game my own system by not including it.)  
• Spend less. Canadian author Cait Flanders found herself in debt, too, and started a self-imposed year-long shopping ban. She documented her process in a blog, which led to her book, The Year of Less, which I bought and read in January. On March 1, I imposed my own shopping ban with only minor exceptions (groceries, replacing used-up personal products, and gifts; 'experiences' aren't shopping, noting it's easy for me to excuse vintage shopping as an experience or entertainment, when it's really just shopping and therefore not OK). This is also about spending time more wisely. Studies focused on end-of-life show we remember what, how, and with whom we spent time, not how much we had. My goal is really no mindless shopping, no 'rewards' for simple tasks, no emotional plugs. 
• Declutter. During her year of less, Cait also decluttered. Not in the style of Marie Kondo's Tidying Up, nor even A Year to Clear, an online DailyOm program I loosely did in 2016. I've attempted decluttering before, but in my heart I'm not a minimalist, even though I'm now ready for less. I also live in a small house with minimal storage space, which makes everything seem more cluttered. A key question she poses when evaluating what to keep: Did I buy this for me, the person I want to be, or who other people want me to be? This month, I filled about 20 grocery-sized bags of clothing and household items to re-home.
• Simplify. Courtney Carver's MS diagnosis was her wake-up call to start living differently. I hope most of us don't wait for a health crisis to change. Let's learn from her and others about how to simplify and pay attention to those things that matter most. In her book Soulful Simplicity, Courtney notes we're so busy being busy, and how that feeds our go-go-go more-more-more culture. She gives tips to set priorities and to ask ourselves better questions. And how to say no so we can say yes. Reading how she was eventually able to let go of sentimental items gives me faith I can do the same.   



Just some of the bags of stuff
to be re-homed.

In my younger years, I found the simplicity movement of the 60s or 70s intriguing, and still have my copies of Voluntary Simplicity and Your Money or Your Life. But we do things when we're ready, no matter how much we know. Clearly, I wasn't ready for a simple life (and, clearly, also not ready to give up those books).

Others offered expertise in the years that followed, and more come online every day. (I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the work of my friend John (Take Back Your Time.) One of the most intriguing right now is The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. Since both sides of my ancestral bloodline are Swedish, I can't pass this one up. But I'm not buying it yet. My intention for 2018 is "experiences over stuff" so instead, I have a list of what I want to buy. If I still want it 30 days later, I can buy it. This isn't so much about not buying; it's really about mindful spending of money and time.  

More is less

2. That sluggishness I mentioned? The weight gain? That wouldn't have anything to do with the (approx) cup of half-and-half in my coffee and tea every day, would it? Hmmm...

I'm not one for diets, be they trend, fad or otherwise. But I do believe the occasional reset with an elimination 'diet' can help. After trying to plan the process myself (how I've done this previously), I opted for Whole30, which is a 30-day reset. It does two things: 1) it removes the most likely culprits that offend our digestion or cause food addiction, which for many of us are grains, dairy, and all-things-sugar, and 2) it brings a new level of awareness to what, when, and how we eat. Today is Day 3, and so far, so good. I've relied on cream, cheese and yogurt for much of my daily sustenance, and for 30 days, I'm replacing these with greens, proteins, (non-dairy) fats, and a little fruit. Getting enough food can be a problem for many when starting down this path. Imagine that.

Say goodbye to old habits... 

Timing is everything, isn't it?

I'm now four months into a new job; I still have a learning curve but I know enough to get work done and I feel less like a deer in headlights. I have mental capacity to take on a personal challenge or two.

Over the last couple of years, while searching for the right work fit, I also did a lot of deep, self-reflective work, and added, rebuilt, or re-prioritized parts of my life that were important to me. I did some decluttering, knowing that less cluttered physical space can help with less cluttered mental and emotional space (something else The Year to Clear does), but didn't get very far, and still continued to shop more than I needed to.

And... 

"You have to do things you don't want to do so you can do things you want to do." - Soulful Simplicity

We know this. Exercise, anyone? Live a sedentary life and the odds for ill-health later only go up, right?

I wanted to change some habits, but I wasn't ready. Giving up long-held habits, like beliefs (in essence, mental habits), may trigger our reptilian brains to put up a fight, even when we want the change, or at least, the benefits of the change. Knowing what we want to be different, and knowing what we actually do by habit, comes first. We can't change what we think or do until we know we're doing it, and why we're doing it. That's why tracking something to notice the patterns and gaps can help.

For example, following a simple eating plan helps me see if I'm eating because I'm really hungry, or if I'm eating because something tastes good, or just because it's there (I do more of this than I thought I did). When habit, or in some cases muscle memory, kicks in with an unwanted behavior, I can "stop, notice, and redirect."


...Say hello to better living

Easing in with small steps can help build the mental and physical fortitude to make the bigger changes you want actually stick, like tracking (spending tracker), limiting options (Whole30), or replacing bad habits with good (ex.: when I quit smoking oh-so-long ago, I chose carrots as my tool -- I peeled, julienned, and twisted them in my fingers).

Here are a few practices that I also find helpful:

• Meditation. I use the Insight Timer app (free) almost daily for guided or timed meditation, and have for over a year. It has multiple benefits. 
• Practicing gratitude: I've mentioned in previous posts that a daily email to a gratitude partner helps me see all the good in my life, even on the roughest days. Before the gratitude partner, I used my journal for this.
• Morning pages: While not currently doing this, morning pages from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way--three pages of stream of consciousness writing first thing in the morning--have helped immensely when I've struggled to resolve an issue. 
• Journal writing: A saving grace over the years; I wrote my first "dear diary" in fifth grade, and have continued off and on ever since.

What was that about exercise? 

Right... exercise is one of the best habits of all. Sadly, I don't currently have that habit, and am consistently inconsistent. My sporadic exercise has a little to do with time but more with energy; one of my desired outcomes of my 30-day elimination process is more energy. And, these feed each other: exercise can replace shopping--a walk through the 'hood or a park is preferred over a TJ Maxx treasure hunt, or adds quality time, like a walk with a friend.

One thing I'm grateful for is yet another opportunity to pay attention and be more intentional about how I live my daily life. Another truism we all know: The days are long but the years are short. Doing what's most important -- to you, not someone else -- is what's actually most important, for you, for me, and for the rest of us.

Have any tips for creating and sticking to a new habit? Or new habits you're so glad you have? I'd love to hear.