Start 2020 with a strong foundation: 3 practices

Peace lily

On a recent stormy morning, Sam Harris guided me in the Buddhist practice of loving-kindness. Each day, the Waking Up 50-day course offers a different style or approach to meditation. Loving-kindness isn't new to me but I don't use it much... and then I had an a-ha moment.

Why NOT practice loving-kindness? Not as part of my morning meditation, but... Every. Single. Day. All. Day. When I'm out in the world, at work, in traffic, with friends... why not just wish everyone I encounter happiness, wellness, safety, and peace?

I typically start my year with gratitude—it's at the core of everything else—but this feels like it needs to be at the core, too. I want to make this a new habit.   

A quick note: My new year planning starts in late December (birthday/solstice weekend), but how I want my year to unfold, what I want to create, how I want to feel, and what intentions I'll set fall into place over about a month. It's OK to take time with this. It's your life!  

Here are three practices you can try, too. 

1) Loving-kindness

The loving-kindness practice, or 'metta meditation', starts with us: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease—essentially putting on our own oxygen mask before we care for others.

But my new a-ha was... why not do this for others, at any time, in any circumstance? I do my

The traveling Buddha
in my garden

morning meditation and listen to an affirmation I recorded, so I already start my day with self-care. How would my day be different if I adopted this mindset all day every day, every time I feel frustrated or defeated at work, or when I feel triggered by a situation? 

This seems like a great way to smile more, too, which author and entrepreneur Dean Graziosi says decreases stress. A smile tells your subconscious you're happy, even if you weren't just a minute before. And if you radiate positivity, he says, you attract similar people into your life. Who knew smiling was a success habit, and who doesn't want more positive people and experiences in our lives?

What if I practiced loving-kindness with a smile on my face? How powerful would that be?

2) Forgiveness

To have any kind of peace, we must forgive others... and we must also forgive ourselves. Both of these acts benefit us in countless ways. And while we must forgive someone else for any harm they cause, two things: it doesn't mean we forget or condone, and we do this for ourselves as much if not more than we do it for them. 

This practice is an essential part of our healing and self-care toolkit; it allows us to be free of the past, let go of suffering and resentments, and move toward the life we want with self-compassion.

It's often easier to forgive someone else than ourselves, especially for what we think. We've all hurt someone at some point, usually unintentionally, but who reading this hasn't experienced being your own worst enemy, flogging yourself far worse than anyone else would for indiscretions and mistakes? One critical step to changing this habit and moving on is forgiveness.

A daily forgiveness practice can be simple. I include mine in an affirmation I recorded that I listen to each morning and evening, but even just a statement to yourself in the mirror each day, or catching yourself beating yourself up, may be enough. And... perhaps combine it with your new loving-kindness practice... Just sayin'... You can also say or listen to the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono chant: I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. I can't explain it, but this has power. Listen to Carrie Grossman's version here. 

Without forgiveness, true peace-of-mind will always be elusive. Jack Kornfield has far better words than I do about the practice and its importance. If you haven't spent any time doing this work, I encourage you to read his book, The Art of Forgiveness, Loving-Kindness, and Peace, since it's not for the faint of heart if you're just beginning.

3) And yes, gratitude 

Anyone who's read anything on this blog knows that gratitude underpins everything else for me. I am nothing if not grateful for all of my life experiences, even the painful ones, for everything I have, and for all that's yet to be.

This is the one practice I encourage everyone to adopt, as it immediately makes life better. Where focus goes, energy flows. However you do it... whether you jot a daily journal entry, send a message to a gratitude partner as I do, or put a note in your phone. Something to consider, if you don't use a journal for other types of writing: physically handwriting sends a message to your brain and further enhances neuroplasticity, creating new pathways for good. Acknowledge what you have, even if you don't have much, and attract more of what fulfills you. 

A friend gave me some 'pocket affirmation' cards for my birthday. I wasn't feeling particularly grateful earlier today, so I pulled one. Here's my message: I am proud of myself. I take the time to celebrate how far I've come, even if I'm not yet where I want to be. This couldn't have been more fitting as I lamented my current work frustrations. Which is exactly what this recent Forbes article about gratitude speaks to... we just never know where we'll find our lessons. I'm not where I want to be, but I am extraordinarily grateful for where I am. As I have said many times, my life could have been so different, and more than likely not in a good way. 

There's wisdom everywhere if we're open to receiving it.

Why it matters 

Of course, there are goals to set and lists to make and tasks to start to get the year rolling along, but putting mindfulness practices like these—along with meditation and/or journaling—in place right out of that proverbial gate provides a solid foundation from which to achieve everything else that, after 365 days, will deem the year a success.

Gratitude and forgiveness are my foundation, but I'm eager to see how adding a loving-kindness practice will add to my day—and my year. 

The world needs more kindness, empathy, and compassion, and these further that ideal. As we embrace and embody these practices, we also attract those who share that desire, which then makes our own lives better, too.  

Outside of goal or resolution setting, do you have any practices you do consistently at the start of each year? What do you do that helps to ensure success?


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Be a better version of yourself in 2020

Just keep swimming... a phrase I
tell myself often, especially
when I want to give up (thanks to Dory
from Finding Nemo)

Are you exhausted or exhilarated as the new year begins? 

Holiday gatherings and celebrations can come with an endless to-do list, and perhaps a little too much sugar, rich food, and too many special drinks. 

Yet year-end also brings hope, an eagerness for change, and enthusiasm for newly set goals, resolutions, or intentions. It's a fresh start, when we reflect, assess, rethink, revisit, and dream about our future, even though realistically, we can do this at any time of year we choose. 

Intentionally choose... 

My intention this year is to be a better version of myself than I was last year and to put even better energy into the world. 

What did I learn, do, or experience that I want to take with me into this new year? What didn't I do that I want to recommit to or add? I've reflected on these for the last few weeks, a process which starts on my mid-December birthday and continues through mid-January with the holiday wind-down and more time to think. 

A phrase that popped into my head recently, and continues to show up: take nothing for granted. I don't think I do, but there it was. I'm not sure what it means for me yet, but I'll see how it evolves. 

A few other meaningful words, phrases, and thoughts I'm starting the year with: 

• everything I want lives on the other side of fear
• self-care is health-care
• see problems as projects, or a puzzle to continually solve (this is what makes life interesting)
• our shadow side has something to teach us; embrace it
• don't believe everything I think 

Marie Forleo's book, Everything is Figure-out-able, is one of the 30+ books I've told myself I want to read this year. Since I think I read just 10 last year, that's a big commitment. And, everything IS figure-out-able—whether figuring out how to read 30+ books in a year, or achieving the intentions I set for the year.  

Things to stop doing

Besides the list of goals and resolutions for 2020, we might want to also look at what to stop doing, or do differently. The Broken Brain podcast (#87 in case it's no longer on top when you come across this) has a great list of things that hold us back—those things that trip us up, that we should stop or think about differently. The list was useful, so here's my take on it: 

1. Stop obsessing about what others think of you; it's none of your business and doesn't help you, you'll never be all things to all people, nor should you want to be
2. Stop wasting time on social media; that's not to say don't use social media; it can be a great tool—just be mindful and use it wisely
3. Don't think you need to or should do everything by yourself; ask for help or support from friends (I have a lot of room for improvement here)
4. Don't blame anyone for your situation or circumstances; look within... whatever happened may not be your fault, but you're responsible for what you do next
5. Don't let life just happen to you, be intentional: what do you really want—today, tomorrow, next year, when you're 90? Set an intention the night before about what you want the next day to look/feel like (this is something I want to be better at)
6. Stop spending time with people who don't energize you, who drain you, or that you don't feel better about yourself when you're around them; many of our relationships are habitualized or obligatory... it's OK to say no and set boundaries, or just let go 
7. Reflect on what you consume intellectually; what content are you engaging with—books, film, news, online... do these make you better, inspire you, energize you, or do they give you anxiety, promote fear, or in some way make you feel less than
8. Stop living by other people's expectations or ideas of what you should do and who you should be; the top regrets of the dying are not living an authentic life and not choosing to be happier
9. Stop being hard on yourself, and give yourself some grace; perfect is the enemy of the good, and imperfect action, consistently, moves you forward

Don't let rain clouds stop you... behind
every cloud is sunshine and blue sky. 

So, what does 2020 look like for you? How can you be a better version of yourself? How can you keep on swimming, even when you don't feel like it, and take steps that move you in the direction you want to go? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Ready, set... reset

I took this photo when I stayed here 6 years ago, 
and my 'seagull series' remains a favorite. 
This may have even been from the 
same balcony. 

A storm came up on my Thursday drive to Cannon Beach, Oregon from Seattle, with unrelenting high wind and pelting rain until Saturday morning. I hunkered down in my hotel room—a good thing since I paid extra for that ocean-front view this time.  

I'm deeply in need of a reset: body, mind, spirit... from diet to finances to... well, right now it feels like everything. This place is magic for me: open ocean, crashing waves, lengthy beaches, monolithic sea stacks, a delightful town center, fantastic local food, and, were I to venture farther, more charming pocket towns to explore along the coast just a short drive away.  

Revisiting self-care

How I reset can take different forms, depending on my current experience: stream-of-consciousness writing, journaling, reading, walking, meditating, a change in diet, or as of this moment, staring at and listening to the ocean, sitting next to the fire. Sometimes just a change in scenery has a powerful impact.  

I came here loaded with books, a journal and notepads, my laptop, tea, a swimsuit and running shoes, my camera, and nourishing things—because I don't yet know what "reset" requires.  

I use Insight Timer nearly every morning to help me meditate, a practice I aim for but can't say I'm good at, but sets the tone for my day. Lately, I'm not very focused, so I need that "me time." 

Waking up

A friend pinged me with some urgency before I left to suggest I listen to Sam Harris, both his podcast Making Sense and his Waking Up meditation course during this reset. His timing was perfect.  

On the drive, I listened to Sam's podcast with Roland Griffiths, Ph.D., a Johns Hopkins University professor of psychiatry and neuroscience. He's doing extraordinary work with psychedelics. Researchers today are building on work that started in the 1940s but got sidelined in the '60s; sadly, recreational psychedelic use freaked out the powerful who then killed the research. Thankfully, research now shows intriguing results for those who suffer from otherwise hard-to-treat conditions, like PTSD. Michael Pollan ("eat food, mostly plants, not too much") speaks to this in How to Change Your Mind.  

I also started Sam's Waking Up course to help unwind, regroup, and regenerate. 

Year-end intention

That's my intention for the next two weeks: regroup, reset, regenerate. 

This year-end reset ritual is a regular practice, although how I do it differs each year. My birthday (Dec. 19) and winter solstice—the shortest day and longest night of the year—marks the beginning of my self-reflection—my own new year. For many cultures, this is a solstice tradition; both solstice celebrations and Christmas are grounded in pagan rituals. (Here's an inspiring travel article.)

My prompts for thinking and writing: 

• What do I want my life to look like, particularly the year ahead?
• Are there themes to focus on? 
• Beyond goals, what intentions must be set? 

My birthday dessert, 
Stephanie Inn
chocolate pot-de-creme

Solitude and time alone are requirements, away from distractions and what's familiar.  

I need to breathe, walk, meditate, read, eat well, write, and sleep.... and this weekend, stare at the ocean and listen to the surf.   

Just 'be' 

Sometimes just being is enough. We're always doing, so not doing is essential. Early in Sam's Waking Up course, he quotes Socrates: A life unexamined is not worth living. Or at least, he adds, it may be worth living, but it's not very interesting. Our purpose is to grow and evolve, and we must just be to integrate learning, let go, and recalibrate. 

#soulretreat #selfcareishealthcare #healthcareisselfcare 



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

What to do when you don't know what to do

As we begin the close-out of another year, there's no shortage of things that must be done. There's an urgency in the air, no matter how few obligations you actually have. That's true for me, at least, with no parents or children (other than my "little" through Big Sisters) that come with requirements.  

And still, year-end to-do lists are lengthy. There are still presents to make, purchase, wrap, package, give, or mail; cards and notes to write and send; holiday parties and people to see; goals and intentions to revisit or finish; year-end work projects, reports, and expenses to submit; and of course, prepping for the weather as winter officially arrives. 

Too-long to-do lists can be paralyzing. Even when it's self-generated. 

Do one thing... 

I occasionally read Marc and Angel Hack Life, a blog with over 100k followers, who advise their readers and clients when they're in this place to do just one thing: wash their dishes. 

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, it's much easier to prioritize and see what's next. 

One go-to tactic is putting away clutter. Anything not in its rightful place gets put where it needs to be--hanging up coats, neatly stacking overflowing books and magazines... this is especially necessary if you live in a small space. 

Another tactic: keep a paper shopping bag tucked away for unwanted items to take to a charity shop or in some other way rehome. 

Bigger projects, or space to dream 

When we do our dishes and put away clutter, we make space in our heads. An uncluttered mind creates space for new ideas, projects, or just regenerating. Perhaps there's a side hustle you want to launch? 

Without the distractions of clutter and mess, your goals, dreams, and ideals have more room to flourish. 

As we approach the end of another year, it's the perfect time to reflect. What no longer fits, literally and figuratively? What no longer supports you, your goals, or your dreams? Hindsight is a great teacher: look back at the year and see what worked, what didn't, when you were thriving, when you were learning, and what you were doing. Everything is information, and we have to allow ourselves to process and access it. 

Here's a helpful exercise: 

• take a piece of paper, fold it in thirds
• write in the first column something you remember about the year that had meaning for you
• write in the second column why it had meaning and what you learned
• write in the third column what about that want or don't want to take into the new year with you. 

Let that guide you as you set goals or intentions for the coming year. 

Start with your dishes. Then take the next step. 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Welcoming the new year

Creating a vision board is a good
physical reminder of what you intend
to create in the coming year.

New Year's Eve 2016. It's time to say goodbye to the old and welcome in the new year. For most, the annual ritual brings with it a bevy of traditions and high expectations.

Yet, very few celebrations live up to their promises. Resolutions are made to be broken. The year's dreams may have gone unrealized, or life showed up in ways unexpected. But that doesn't have to mean it was a bad year. What if it's up to our interpretation, and we can interpret it as good?

2016 was certainly an interesting year -- one that produced more challenges and discomfort than some of us are used to. We lost jobs while others lost loved ones, a few faced devastating illness, and a steady parade of beloved public figures -- musicians, artists, actors and authors, among them -- said goodbye to the mortal plane we've traveled together. Injustice throughout our country and the world seems extreme, with countless individuals, communities, and entire nations in crisis. Here in the states, we're about to make a hard right turn politically, ensuring even greater hardship for many. Yes, there are reasons to give in to worry, anger, or even fear.

And yet, there's a lot to be hopeful about.

New Year's Day ends five or six weeks of holiday frivolity and festivity; at the least, those weeks are a diversion from the norm. We interrupt our day-to-day programming and reconnect to the friends, family, rituals and traditions we care about during the darkest time of year (for those of us in the northern hemisphere), or find new meaning if the old familiar doesn't work anymore.

Pragmatically, the days that follow are really 
just a continuation of the year before. 

Idealistically, are they?

That first day of January symbolizes a fresh start. Some of us take time to reflect and look ahead. We clear the slate, make resolutions, change our minds, craft new plans, set goals, declare intentions, choose themes and keywords, and create tools like vision boards or mind maps to guide us as we go. We have hope for better times ahead.

What this tells me is we believe we have the power to create our circumstances, or at some level influence them. For this window of time, we're aware of where we have control and the inner power we possess to direct our own lives. We can choose how we want to be in the world, what we want more of, and express our desires and dreams.

If nothing else, we can choose our responses...

Life happens...

My word, or theme, for 2016 was invest, intending to actively invest in my financial future. To be smart about money. To change my relationship to it.

That wasn't exactly what showed up...

What showed up was losing my job, and instead of financial investment, I found myself investing in me. Hindsight being 20/20, it proved to be a good word, although the shift to this interpretation didn't happen overnight. It came to me slowly, after a number of false starts, breakdowns and breakthroughs, as I sought to explore and understand.

Those investments are now paying dividends, despite no steady paycheck. I invested time and energy in self-care, self-awareness, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, mindful contribution, learning, and gratitude, and ultimately created new relationships and communities, identified what I deemed most important, learned how to allow, receive, and give differently, and found deeper connections and unrelenting trust.

Despite some anxious days and nights, it was worth every amount of effort; even anxiety has much to teach. Accepting what is and looking for good, I shifted my awareness, beliefs and my thinking, and through all this, experienced moments of bliss and and true joy. My list of what went right in 2016, as I reflect back, continues to grow. To all who were part of my process, I am extremely grateful.

And, all that said, there are many things I'm pretty over. I'm done with the self-doubt that showed up when my job went away. With the self-imposed limits that kept me small and disconnected from my full potential when I wanted to step into something bigger. With stories I learned along my journey that left me feeling 'less than' or disempowered. As I look out into our abundant universe, the collective 'we' continues to imagine, innovate, and create in more ways than anyone ever thought possible. Count me in.

So I have high hopes for 2017. I hope you do, too.

I recognize my good fortune -- I get to choose my experience every day. I can choose to wake up every morning and feel purposeful, joyful, gracious, connected, abundant, forgiving, grateful, healthy and empowered. I'd like to think the energy I create with this perspective contributes in a bigger way to the world around me, to making us all stronger and better.

As I remember that the point of power is in the present moment, and that small steps often lead to big leaps, no matter what happens outside of my control, I can make decisions that ripple into my future. We do, indeed, live in interesting times, and it takes all of us doing what we do best to make the world a better place. During the holiday break, I (finally) read Man's Search for Meaning -- an amazing story of the human spirit and what we're capable of. We all have the power to choose, no matter what.

My word, or theme, this year? I'm leaning toward imagine, as in, imagine the possibilities, or spaciousness and expansion. I want to nurture my imagination and daydream more to create the world I want to live in. And then, "be the change". Creating a vision for what's possible is always more powerful than replaying the past, or creating a future based on previous experience. I'm not looking for more of the same...

What about you? What do you do to usher in the new year? Do you have a word or theme?

A sampling from my vision board.
 It's a legendary year.
I have a great job that allows me to express my talents and abilities.
My blessings are unlimited and they fuel big ideas, have staying power,
and the good news just doesn't stop. I am mindful, yet expansive,
and I know doing the little things counts. I'm connected to collective wisdom,
making the world a better place.
Together we create a brighter tomorrow. 

It's a new year... now what?

Blue world

For many, this is a time to make resolutions - things to accomplish throughout the year, or by an upcoming date. Often stated as goals, they're specific and potentially measurable, but they rarely address root issues, so they often fail. There's a lot of writing around the web about this, with a lot of "what to do instead" offerings.

One of the best I've read so far is by author and self-help guru Mark Manson, His recent, Your Goals are Overrated (NSFW or if you're easily offended by language), talks about developing habits rather than setting goals or making resolutions, and he offers six habits he considers worth cultivating: exercise, cooking, meditation, reading, writing and socializing. These all come with various benefits, both immediate and compounded.

Invest in you; you're worth it

My takeaway, though, is his distinction between spending and investing. And having read this, I've decided to have a theme for the year, and it's "invest". My time, my energy, my money. Everything. This is a really a mindset shift for me; while I'm not unfamiliar with investing, to think about so many things from this perspective suddenly makes so much sense. I may say more about this over the next few months.

Typically I take the first few weeks of the year to reflect on the year prior and imagine, dream and set intentions for the year ahead. I know big changes are coming, and they're probably even overdue. But I haven't yet taken the time these first couple weeks of the year.

Because ... time... that's one thing I anticipate having more of soon.

As I reflect, I recognize that sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on. Circumstances and people change, and we often don't have control over what changes around us. But we can control how we respond, and as I just mentioned to my cousin who's having to deal with a family issue that shouldn't be, we can make ourselves insane trying to make sense of things nonsensical. It's not worth it.

I've learned that what happens in our lives is often an opportunity to grow, and while hindsight usually illuminates this, it's not always easy in the moment. However, my fears are usually unfounded or carry no weight. I don't have to create meaning where there isn't any, because the meaning I create isn't usually in my best interest. Mindfulness is important when change is imminent and I am paying attention, reflecting and planning.

Onward. Upward. ... Invest. In my well-being, my intellectual pursuits, relationships, creating my future... the list of what to explore is long, but it is also intentional.

Creating a fabulous year (when I'd rather be napping)

With a whirlwind of activity in December - year-end work tasks, holiday gatherings, shopping and gift giving, solstice celebrations and my birthday - I'm not always able to do the reflection and planning I hope to in December. But I get started by focusing my thoughts around current year successes and challenges, and hopes for new, different, better in the years ahead. What do I want my day-in, day-out to look like in the future? What do I keep or let go of? What were the lessons learned, and the opportunities to leverage from the year now closing? 

I recently wrote a post for LifeWise Oregon's HealthFeed about creating the life you desire, beyond setting immediate goals (or yikes... resolutions). If you'd like ideas or need tips to create your ideal life, you can find the post here. 

January is my month to coalesce the thinking that began in December into some sort of plan for the year(s) ahead. So while I'd rather be napping (and naps do have a very important role in self-care), I'm fine-tuning my vision and setting short- and long-term goals to get me there.  

Beyond resolutions: Setting intentions for 2014

Sailing in Shilshole Bay

Resolutions are made to be broken. Or at least, in my world, they are. So I stopped making them.


Now I set intentions. 


There's spaciousness around intentions. They're more about being than doing. Resolutions are, well, resolute.  A hard and fast destination.

Intentions are powerful. Yet flexible. They're a little like sailing - you set a course, but despite best laid plans, there are many unknowns to be discovered along the way. What is known is that sails will need trimming, the course adjusting.

Intentions allow room to shift directions, course correct, enjoy the journey, ask questions. It's being in the moment, and noticing what's working, what's not, and continually making choices. There's still a place for goals; goals help propel us forward. Setting an overall intention supported by incremental goals has a strong likelihood of succeeding.


They work.  


Today, I'm looking ahead at what I want to create, this year and beyond. What do I want my life to look like? What steps can I take to get me closer? How can I be the creative force in my world - designing a life that works for me in every way?

While I'm now firmly planted in midlife, I don't want to leave the rest of my life to chance. None of us know how much time we have, and even though we're all mere specs on the space / time continuum, I want to make a difference with the time I have. I want my minutes to count. My regrets thus far are few; I know now when I feel afraid, it's almost always my clue to step toward, not away. My gut tells me which.


I wish.


Yes. I wish. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to wish big, dream big. I'm going to look at those dreams and wishes, revel in the absurd, and celebrate the unobtainable. And then I'm going to look at these with a discerning eye:

• What is it about those wishes and dreams that appeal to me? 
• What makes them desirable? 
• What meaning do they hold for me? 

Then I can start making them real - or the parts that count. I'll state my intentions as though they exist right now. I'm designing my life on my terms. One incremental step - or maybe a big leap - at a time.