Be a better version of yourself in 2020

Just keep swimming... a phrase I
tell myself often, especially
when I want to give up (thanks to Dory
from Finding Nemo)

Are you exhausted or exhilarated as the new year begins? 

Holiday gatherings and celebrations can come with an endless to-do list, and perhaps a little too much sugar, rich food, and too many special drinks. 

Yet year-end also brings hope, an eagerness for change, and enthusiasm for newly set goals, resolutions, or intentions. It's a fresh start, when we reflect, assess, rethink, revisit, and dream about our future, even though realistically, we can do this at any time of year we choose. 

Intentionally choose... 

My intention this year is to be a better version of myself than I was last year and to put even better energy into the world. 

What did I learn, do, or experience that I want to take with me into this new year? What didn't I do that I want to recommit to or add? I've reflected on these for the last few weeks, a process which starts on my mid-December birthday and continues through mid-January with the holiday wind-down and more time to think. 

A phrase that popped into my head recently, and continues to show up: take nothing for granted. I don't think I do, but there it was. I'm not sure what it means for me yet, but I'll see how it evolves. 

A few other meaningful words, phrases, and thoughts I'm starting the year with: 

• everything I want lives on the other side of fear
• self-care is health-care
• see problems as projects, or a puzzle to continually solve (this is what makes life interesting)
• our shadow side has something to teach us; embrace it
• don't believe everything I think 

Marie Forleo's book, Everything is Figure-out-able, is one of the 30+ books I've told myself I want to read this year. Since I think I read just 10 last year, that's a big commitment. And, everything IS figure-out-able—whether figuring out how to read 30+ books in a year, or achieving the intentions I set for the year.  

Things to stop doing

Besides the list of goals and resolutions for 2020, we might want to also look at what to stop doing, or do differently. The Broken Brain podcast (#87 in case it's no longer on top when you come across this) has a great list of things that hold us back—those things that trip us up, that we should stop or think about differently. The list was useful, so here's my take on it: 

1. Stop obsessing about what others think of you; it's none of your business and doesn't help you, you'll never be all things to all people, nor should you want to be
2. Stop wasting time on social media; that's not to say don't use social media; it can be a great tool—just be mindful and use it wisely
3. Don't think you need to or should do everything by yourself; ask for help or support from friends (I have a lot of room for improvement here)
4. Don't blame anyone for your situation or circumstances; look within... whatever happened may not be your fault, but you're responsible for what you do next
5. Don't let life just happen to you, be intentional: what do you really want—today, tomorrow, next year, when you're 90? Set an intention the night before about what you want the next day to look/feel like (this is something I want to be better at)
6. Stop spending time with people who don't energize you, who drain you, or that you don't feel better about yourself when you're around them; many of our relationships are habitualized or obligatory... it's OK to say no and set boundaries, or just let go 
7. Reflect on what you consume intellectually; what content are you engaging with—books, film, news, online... do these make you better, inspire you, energize you, or do they give you anxiety, promote fear, or in some way make you feel less than
8. Stop living by other people's expectations or ideas of what you should do and who you should be; the top regrets of the dying are not living an authentic life and not choosing to be happier
9. Stop being hard on yourself, and give yourself some grace; perfect is the enemy of the good, and imperfect action, consistently, moves you forward

Don't let rain clouds stop you... behind
every cloud is sunshine and blue sky. 

So, what does 2020 look like for you? How can you be a better version of yourself? How can you keep on swimming, even when you don't feel like it, and take steps that move you in the direction you want to go? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Doing the hard things

In my last post, I quoted Soulful Simplicity about doing the things you don't want to do, so you can do the things you want to do later on. As a coach and follower of coaches, self-help authors, and wellness types, I'm seeing a lot right now about how we have to do the hard things.

I wish I'd had that mindset when I was younger. 

Don't get me wrong. Life was hard, so in that sense, I did hard things. Throughout my teens and early adulthood, life was very hard. A high school friend has long said we went to "handle it school" because if we learned nothing else, we learned to handle almost anything -- any crisis or problem -- growing up in our neighborhood. But those aren't the type of hard things, nor the mindset, I'm referring to. Many hard-learned lessons later, I realize that while I didn't grow up in ideal circumstances, I also made my life much harder by getting in my own way. 

How do you know if you're in your own way?  

When you feel like nothing's working, or if where you're headed isn't where you want to go, you might be getting in your own way. If you find yourself always struggling, or consistently unhappy.

How did we get here? We may not know any better, especially when we're young. We're products of our environment and our experience, and even our DNA, and if you're like me and didn't have many good role models, it takes a while to figure it out.

So much of what we experience is mindset--a concept that can be challenging to understand. Because at my core I believed life was hard, I (unknowingly) looked for evidence in every circumstance to support my belief. And because I believed life was hard, I looked for and drew to me circumstances that made life harder than it had to be. I'm not saying that many of the bad and sad things that happened during my early years were my fault -- by no means was I responsible for predatory men, belittling teachers, absent adults, and bullies and friends more fucked up than me. But because of my beliefs, which included what I felt I deserved, I put myself in a lot of situations that could only result in harm or hardship. 

Even though I intellectually understood some of this in my twenties, having learned a bit about 'new thought' philosophies, creative visualization, quantum physics and energy, etc., those early beliefs by then were buried deep in my bones and drove much of my experience, running below the surface of everything I did. Not until yet another devastating circumstance presented itself did I finally break free. 

A wise therapist helped me shift my thinking. Among other things, she asked if I believed life was hard, and when I said yes, she asked, "what if life just is?" What if the universe, or whatever you believe in, is neutral, and your circumstances are a reflection of what you believe? 

I'd have done a whole lot of things differently. 

I used to think I wanted life to be easy. Growing up, I thought life was supposed to be easy and was always astonished when it wasn't. Because I was so afraid of failing, of looking stupid, because everything seemed hard, I regularly chose the path of least resistance, or what felt like the easiest way. Except it wasn't ever easy, and in fact, that mindset made everything much harder. I was an intentional underachiever because so much felt too hard and I was scared.

But looking back at my accomplishments, the greatest satisfaction came as a result of hard work - - from effort made, energy expended, challenges accepted... sometimes involving strife or heartache or walking through fear, and almost always learning something new or different.

Although not aware while doing these things, I did a lot of hard-for-me things over time, without really thinking about how hard they'd be.

Some of my hard things? Honestly, I don't think I expected to live a long life, so I didn't take particularly good care of myself when I was young. I smoked and abused myself during my teen years, but decisively stopped all that when I realized I was going to be around a while and wanted a better life. I watched my mom and other family members succumb to illness, and deliberately made choices like eating better and exercising that support a healthier life. I determinedly put myself through college when it seemed nearly impossible. I wanted a career that included writing, so I carefully and mindfully carved out a path. I wanted a different result when a relationship nearly ended so I went to therapy and uncovered those deeply held beliefs -- and made a conscious effort to change them.

In hindsight, these were the hard things I had to do for a better life later, although at the time, I wasn't aware of that mindset.   

We can do the hard things. Sometimes it's just saying no to a second helping (noticing my own patterns), or starting an exercise program by moving your body 10 minutes every morning, or unlearning an unhealthy behavior. Sometimes it's calling an estranged relative or friend, setting aside a need to "be right" and instead choosing the relationship, or setting boundaries with someone who crosses them. Sometimes it's much harder, like forgiving yourself or someone who harmed you, or being compassionate with yourself, or finding gratitude for just one thing each day. 

Do the small things every day,
and they'll lead to big things. 

If you want something, be intentional. If it feels hard, start small. And know that if it feels hard, it's probably worth it. Get clear about your priorities, then map out a plan. Create daily routines or rituals and then methodically take the steps -- every day -- that lead you there.  

Sometimes I still hope for luck. But experience tells me that luck comes to those who do the work. My mom, not a religious woman by any stretch, always said that "god helps those who help themselves."  

I don't know about you, but if I'm going to grow old, and I hope to, I want to be healthy, and able-bodied, with the means to afford a decent life. While I know there are many circumstances over which I have no control, I can make choices that, should I get to grow old, increase my odds of enjoying those later years more than I enjoyed my younger years. Most days, I can do the hard things. 

I don't think we all need luxury homes and and exotic cars -- although if that's your jam, then by all means, work to create it. That said, I believe I deserve a life with "better problems", as author Mark Manson refers to them in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I think we all do.

So if you're in your own way like I was, take steps every day to create the life you want, even if it feels hard. Work toward having better problems. I no longer believe life is hard, even though some things feel hard.

Remember that saying, "Life's what you make it"? For the vast majority of us who are of sound mind, that's pretty much it.  

Life just is. 

Welcoming the new year

Creating a vision board is a good
physical reminder of what you intend
to create in the coming year.

New Year's Eve 2016. It's time to say goodbye to the old and welcome in the new year. For most, the annual ritual brings with it a bevy of traditions and high expectations.

Yet, very few celebrations live up to their promises. Resolutions are made to be broken. The year's dreams may have gone unrealized, or life showed up in ways unexpected. But that doesn't have to mean it was a bad year. What if it's up to our interpretation, and we can interpret it as good?

2016 was certainly an interesting year -- one that produced more challenges and discomfort than some of us are used to. We lost jobs while others lost loved ones, a few faced devastating illness, and a steady parade of beloved public figures -- musicians, artists, actors and authors, among them -- said goodbye to the mortal plane we've traveled together. Injustice throughout our country and the world seems extreme, with countless individuals, communities, and entire nations in crisis. Here in the states, we're about to make a hard right turn politically, ensuring even greater hardship for many. Yes, there are reasons to give in to worry, anger, or even fear.

And yet, there's a lot to be hopeful about.

New Year's Day ends five or six weeks of holiday frivolity and festivity; at the least, those weeks are a diversion from the norm. We interrupt our day-to-day programming and reconnect to the friends, family, rituals and traditions we care about during the darkest time of year (for those of us in the northern hemisphere), or find new meaning if the old familiar doesn't work anymore.

Pragmatically, the days that follow are really 
just a continuation of the year before. 

Idealistically, are they?

That first day of January symbolizes a fresh start. Some of us take time to reflect and look ahead. We clear the slate, make resolutions, change our minds, craft new plans, set goals, declare intentions, choose themes and keywords, and create tools like vision boards or mind maps to guide us as we go. We have hope for better times ahead.

What this tells me is we believe we have the power to create our circumstances, or at some level influence them. For this window of time, we're aware of where we have control and the inner power we possess to direct our own lives. We can choose how we want to be in the world, what we want more of, and express our desires and dreams.

If nothing else, we can choose our responses...

Life happens...

My word, or theme, for 2016 was invest, intending to actively invest in my financial future. To be smart about money. To change my relationship to it.

That wasn't exactly what showed up...

What showed up was losing my job, and instead of financial investment, I found myself investing in me. Hindsight being 20/20, it proved to be a good word, although the shift to this interpretation didn't happen overnight. It came to me slowly, after a number of false starts, breakdowns and breakthroughs, as I sought to explore and understand.

Those investments are now paying dividends, despite no steady paycheck. I invested time and energy in self-care, self-awareness, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go, mindful contribution, learning, and gratitude, and ultimately created new relationships and communities, identified what I deemed most important, learned how to allow, receive, and give differently, and found deeper connections and unrelenting trust.

Despite some anxious days and nights, it was worth every amount of effort; even anxiety has much to teach. Accepting what is and looking for good, I shifted my awareness, beliefs and my thinking, and through all this, experienced moments of bliss and and true joy. My list of what went right in 2016, as I reflect back, continues to grow. To all who were part of my process, I am extremely grateful.

And, all that said, there are many things I'm pretty over. I'm done with the self-doubt that showed up when my job went away. With the self-imposed limits that kept me small and disconnected from my full potential when I wanted to step into something bigger. With stories I learned along my journey that left me feeling 'less than' or disempowered. As I look out into our abundant universe, the collective 'we' continues to imagine, innovate, and create in more ways than anyone ever thought possible. Count me in.

So I have high hopes for 2017. I hope you do, too.

I recognize my good fortune -- I get to choose my experience every day. I can choose to wake up every morning and feel purposeful, joyful, gracious, connected, abundant, forgiving, grateful, healthy and empowered. I'd like to think the energy I create with this perspective contributes in a bigger way to the world around me, to making us all stronger and better.

As I remember that the point of power is in the present moment, and that small steps often lead to big leaps, no matter what happens outside of my control, I can make decisions that ripple into my future. We do, indeed, live in interesting times, and it takes all of us doing what we do best to make the world a better place. During the holiday break, I (finally) read Man's Search for Meaning -- an amazing story of the human spirit and what we're capable of. We all have the power to choose, no matter what.

My word, or theme, this year? I'm leaning toward imagine, as in, imagine the possibilities, or spaciousness and expansion. I want to nurture my imagination and daydream more to create the world I want to live in. And then, "be the change". Creating a vision for what's possible is always more powerful than replaying the past, or creating a future based on previous experience. I'm not looking for more of the same...

What about you? What do you do to usher in the new year? Do you have a word or theme?

A sampling from my vision board.
 It's a legendary year.
I have a great job that allows me to express my talents and abilities.
My blessings are unlimited and they fuel big ideas, have staying power,
and the good news just doesn't stop. I am mindful, yet expansive,
and I know doing the little things counts. I'm connected to collective wisdom,
making the world a better place.
Together we create a brighter tomorrow.