Making sense of challenging times

Borrowed from Instagram

Every afternoon, an alarm on my phone reminds me that 'everything is impermanent.' I set this alarm as a strategy to get through my workday at a job I haven't loved before we were asked by our governor to "stay home, stay safe". Now it seems almost prescient. 

Where we are at this moment in time is hard. And, as I heard my mom say more times than I wanted to, "this too shall pass." 

We cannot have pleasure without pain, nor joy without sadness. We can't know comfort without experiencing discomfort.  

And sometimes, we require a strong jolt to move out of complacency or apathy to embrace real, lasting, necessary change.

Transformation, ready or not

Over the last month, I have witnessed real transformation every day at work. I work for a very traditional, allopathic medical group—"western" medicine that isn't my go-to but I'm glad it's there when I need it.  

The change is nothing short of remarkable. In the two-plus years I've worked there, the organization has made numerous changes, but it needed to move faster to keep up with a rapidly evolving market. At the end of 2019, they set up an "acceleration office" to ideally usher in change more quickly. That work was just getting underway... 

And... virus. 

Practically overnight, my organization transitioned to nearly all virtual care, adopted new practices and systems, and relaxed outdated policies and adopted new ones. I, and all my coworkers, are busier than we've ever been—with most of us working remotely. And this isn't true just in my organization, but throughout the healthcare industry overall. 

Opportunity and silver linings

In any way imaginable, everything just got very real. Personally and professionally, no matter where you are in life, what's most important is up for redefining, and our priorities are shifting in countless ways, collectively and individually. 

This might just be a transcendent wake-up call, a reset, a recalibration. At least, that's one way to look at it, and how I prefer to look at it. Not one to waste a crisis, I know from experience there is always something to be learned and gained and that transformation is afoot when things fall apart. This is how we grow, deeply, personally, culturally. 

Yes, I am profoundly troubled by the strife in the world—the fear, the loss of life and livelihoods—and I'm keenly aware of the very real trauma created by this disease and the impact of the stringent measures required to quell it. 

Sadly, there will be casualties, much like war, and the most vulnerable among us will be most affected. This is heartbreaking on so many levels, because no one deserves to lose their life, or that of a loved one, when every waking moment may feel hard and life as we know it can't continue.  

But I have a deep sense that we need this. 

Our systems don't work

So much about our way of life has been unsustainable. Every one of our systems requires an overhaul to work better for people and the planet; right now, this is more evident than ever in our food, healthcare, and economic systems, as well as our environmental policies.

We now have an opportunity to do things differently and to notice how we rely on each other. We're a global economy, dependent on trade, shared knowledge, and combined resources. Darwin's reinterpreted survival theory requires that we adapt, cooperate, and collaborate, not compete. (Watch infectious disease expert Alanna Shaikh talk about global health here and what we must do now to avoid another major pandemic.)  

We are collectively learning we must also play the long game rather than opting for the short-term profits and wins we've become accustomed to. So much of our financial and political focus is based on short-term thinking, and only those who know the game and how to play it come out ahead, leaving so many behind. Here in the US, it's time to reinstate our social contract and leave the 'rugged individual' mythology behind. None of us can do it all alone.  

Resourcefulness = resilience

All that said, however... we must also plan to care for ourselves when disaster strikes, to ensure those who most need help are able to get it. 

Since the hoarding and stockpiling at the beginning of this pandemic indicate otherwise, we must individually prepare for disasters before they hit. Those of us who live in earthquake zones should have at minimum two-weeks of food, water, and god-forbid, toilet paper, among other necessities. And ideally, governments are learning that we must not rely on a just-in-time supply chain and instead keep back-up emergency supplies. Note to self for Clorox Wipes... 

If you haven't yet read The Unthinkable and The Gift of Fear, please make time for them. Both of these books give examples of why we must think about the impossible, while learning to trust our instincts. My partner, who works on container ships, watches disasters-at-sea videos; when I asked why, since I have no stomach for these, he said to imagine the impossible, because the impossible happens. 

Necessity = ingenuity and creativity 

Some of the bright spots—because there are always bright spots if we're paying attention—are the extraordinary creativity, innovation, and ingenuity, along with visible compassion, gratitude, and a real sense of connection, despite physical distance. 

People are helping others in ways we haven't seen in decades. A few examples: 

• We're making masks and donating supplies, creating affinity groups online, finding new ways to fundraise, and re-imagining helpful services. 
• Our front-line healthcare workers are heroes and she-roes, celebrated by balcony and front porch serenades. 
• Musicians are performing live online, and local yoga studios and trainers are offering online classes almost any time of day. 
• Restaurants and bars started new lines of business with take-out and delivery (and I don't mean to diminish how badly these and other services have been hit by this). 
• Church services are broadcasting via Facebook Live, AA meetings and weddings are taking place on Zoom (along with plenty of virtual happy hours), and 
• Businesses previously hesitant to offer their staff remote work made it possible overnight. 
• One of my favorite things so far is a Facebook group, View from my Window, where people from across the world post one (only one per person allowed) image from their window, as the (nearly) whole world shelters in place.  
• The memes are some of the best ever, and all the late-night shows are broadcasting from home. I highly recommend finding and following people and things you love on Instagram, like The Daily "Social Distancing" Show, Trevor Noah's re-imagined home-based show.   

And finally, great resources are springing up all over for those who are struggling. One of my favorites so far is a support guide, chock full of awesome resources, compiled by author and web TV host Marie Forleo. You can find it here. And if you just want to hear a comforting voice, author Glennon Doyle is broadcasting "family meetings" on Instagram, sharing the challenges of being home with a spouse and bored kids. 

For us, not to us

So, let's ask: Is this happening for me, or to me? When we ask ourselves this question (about this or any other thing), it shifts our experience. We get more control over our circumstances, with space to receive insights to weather our storms and see opportunity, even as we grieve our losses.   

This pandemic, and the subsequent stay home measures, is challenging us like nothing else has, and we will all be changed in ways big and small. I hope we all take time to assess what's worth keeping and what's better left behind. Right now is a great time to visualize the world you want to live in, to spend time in quiet reflection, and hold space for a better future. 

As Leonard Cohen sang, "there's a crack in everything; cracks are how the light gets in." Our cracks are showing us the changes we need to collectively thrive. 

I leave you with this quote from author and extraordinary human, Arundahti Roy: 

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. This one is no different. It is a portal, a gateway between one world and the next. We can choose to walk through it, dragging the carcasses of our prejudice and hatred, our avarice, our data banks and dead ideas, our dead rivers and smoky skies behind us. Or we can walk through lightly, with little luggage, ready to imagine another world. And ready to fight for it. 

That I write all this from relative comfort and privilege is not lost on me. And yet I also state it with conviction. Because I have learned we can do hard things. 

While most of us may not be high-risk, we're all, perhaps unwittingly, part of a new, developing social contract, staying in and doing the right things for those we love. At the very least, I hope we hold onto this, and that on the other side, we're all a little kinder, more generous, more compassionate, and more mindful. We are all in this together.  



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

The distance we travel... from who we were to who we are

Looking ahead or looking behind, or
just noticing the reflection...? 

During a recent online coaching program, the facilitator assigned homework. We were asked to record a live two-minute video, owning up to and sharing the "worst" thing we've ever done. 

When I heard it, I thought... really? The worst thing?? Holy crap. Not doing that. However, from a brief stint in Al-Anon, I recall that owning our stuff and making amends is a big part of recovery, so I know exercises like these can be helpful and healing. 

So I took some time for self-reflection and paid a visit to my past.  

Looking back over many years, there was a lot of bad behavior, particularly during my teens. Transitioning from that goody-two-shoes I wrote about here, I had few boundaries and couldn't care less about consequences.  

However, from that teenage fog, I evolved into a searching, seeking young adult. It wasn't always easy; there were backslides... but I started to care about myself enough to make good decisions and take better care of myself. Perhaps the seeds my grandfather planted--justice, integrity, and gratitude--finally took root; they're now the core of who I am.  


Troubled years 

I spent many of those teen years looking for love in all the wrong places and numbing myself. I later learned about unconscious beliefs, and what mine were: I didn't belong here on this earthly plane; those I cared about would leave; if anything good came my way, it would be taken away, so why try, why bother... So for a long time, I didn't try, and I didn't bother. 

There's an adage: Hurt people hurt people. I mostly just hurt myself, but certainly, there was collateral damage along the way. I'm not proud of that, but it's because of who I was that I can be who I am today. 


Change is possible 

Somewhere along the way, there were leverage and inflection points. A roommate who had a mental health breakdown. A best friend lost to addiction. Breakups and losses, and some very hard lessons. Then, an introduction to metaphysics. A sociology professor who taught the Handbook to Higher Consciousness. And finally, a job that piqued my curiosity and launched a career, and a Canadian beau who changed my worldview. 

An important lesson: We don't do anything alone. 

I still have a bit of that rebellious teen within me. I also value freedom, adventure, authenticity, and autonomy. 


Looking ahead

There's no way I could have predicted when I was 20 who I would be at 30, nor at 30, who I'd be at 40, and so on. Whoever coined the phrase, "the days are long but the years are short" totally got it. Time slips and memories play tricks, and sometimes it seems that time literally vaporizes. 

With the onset of this new decade, I can't predict where I'll be in another 10 years, either. I know what I'd like my life to look like—but it's impossible to know what life lessons lay ahead of me, and what I'll make them mean. 

Imagining is a good exercise, though--where you'd like to be 10 years from now: who you'll have in your life, where you'll live, what work you'll do (or not), how much money you'll have, the places you'll go between now and then, the lifestyle you dream about. 

Imagining gives you something to strive for, and just like goals, you're more likely to get to the place you want to go if you can see it, feel it, embrace it.  


Worst thing ever? 

So what was my worst thing? Nope, not saying... I chose a couple from an interesting list, some of which previously required amends, to others and myself.  

I don't often revisit my past now because I previously did a lot of healing work. But sometimes it's good to look back again—if only to see how far we've come. The good news: we're never stuck. We can always become a better version of ourselves. We have the power to change. 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Find meaning and purpose: tips to get started

This gull lives and breathes its meaning
and purpose... 

For years, self-help advice said follow your passion. Thankfully, for those of us unclear about what that might actually be, there's another way to think about how to create a life we love (read this, or this).  

What we're learning now that's proving more important: bring passion to whatever we're doing, wherever we happen to be, rather than waiting to discover what we're passionate about or fretting about why we don't have one.  

After meeting our hierarchy of basic needs, what humans truly crave is autonomy, meaning, and purpose (so says Daniel Pink in Drive), not necessarily passion for something specific.  

I've always loved the phenomenally classic Auntie Mame quote, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." I took it as a directive to bring passion to everything. 

Engaging with what we're doing, in the moment, has the potential to fill us with both meaning and passion. If nothing else, it makes life a lot more interesting. And, that said, our humanity sometimes works against us, though... we're hardwired to be cautious. So if you need some ideas to find more meaning and purpose, I've listed some ideas below.    

Follow your curiosity

What makes you go huh...? Or hmmm...? Clues come from what you're reading, listening to, or watching. What about those appeal to you? 

What or who do you want to know more about? Who or what do you envy? What would you study or where would you travel if means and time were available?  

Perhaps you're curious about brain science, like I am, but not willing or able to be a neuroscientist. If you're curious, you may have a latent talent for something related... I'll never be a neuroscientist, but I love coaching and how the latest research in brain science applies to personal development and human potential. 

Check your checkbook 

Our bank and credit card statements are insightful; they document what we care about. What do you buy, who or what do you donate to, and how are you entertained? Does how you spend your money align with your values?  

Perhaps you care about our warming planet. What do you eat? How do you shop? I used to be a mindless shopper, filling an emotional void, until I recognized the pattern. I also care deeply about my health, growing up in a family with numerous lifestyle conditions, so buying healthy food and supporting farm-to-table dining are ways I find meaning.    

Notice when you're angry   

Author, entrepreneur, and funder (and acquaintance) Nathalie Molina Nino wrote in her book  Leapfrog that we should forget about finding our passion and instead find something we want to punch. What makes us most angry may be great opportunities to explore: for work, new ventures, or volunteering.  

You'll also find big clues here about what's meaningful and purposeful for you.  

Test the waters 

When we find meaning and purpose, we find our passions—often right where we are. Fascinated by something, but never tried it? Test it. It's through doing that we build confidence, gain experience, get excited, and yes, find passion.  

Maybe you'd love to own a bakery one day; time disappears when you're baking cookies, bread, or specialty desserts. A bakery may not be feasible, but what gets you closer? These days, we have so many options, like starting a microbusiness using the magic of technology.  

Given today's economics, a side hustle is both easy and a good idea. If you need ideas or a how-to guide, Portland's world-traveling Chris Guillebeau is a go-to resource. 

The founder of Seattle's line-out-the-door Hot Cakes started selling that chocolate gooey goodness at the local farmers market. Now she has two brick-and-mortars and recently opened two vegan ice cream shops. They run themselves while she travels and surfs. 

Small steps are better than no steps. 

Know your why

Knowing why you're doing something can keep you on track when what you're doing feels hard. Not sure about your why? Ask why five or seven times until you get your answer.   

Simon Sinek's Start with Why is one of the most popular TEDTalks ever. And it makes sense... why you do something can make all the difference.

It matters 

A colleague recently suggested we should make 2020 the year of the side hustle. If nothing else, we'll add more meaning and purpose. We may make more money. We might just find our passion. And remember: Where focus goes, energy flows.

Meaning and purpose have staying power; passion sometimes fizzles. Man's Search for Meaning author Viktor Frankl believed meaning and purpose, not passion, were essential to survival, and if anyone could attest, he could.  



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Be a better version of yourself in 2020

Just keep swimming... a phrase I
tell myself often, especially
when I want to give up (thanks to Dory
from Finding Nemo)

Are you exhausted or exhilarated as the new year begins? 

Holiday gatherings and celebrations can come with an endless to-do list, and perhaps a little too much sugar, rich food, and too many special drinks. 

Yet year-end also brings hope, an eagerness for change, and enthusiasm for newly set goals, resolutions, or intentions. It's a fresh start, when we reflect, assess, rethink, revisit, and dream about our future, even though realistically, we can do this at any time of year we choose. 

Intentionally choose... 

My intention this year is to be a better version of myself than I was last year and to put even better energy into the world. 

What did I learn, do, or experience that I want to take with me into this new year? What didn't I do that I want to recommit to or add? I've reflected on these for the last few weeks, a process which starts on my mid-December birthday and continues through mid-January with the holiday wind-down and more time to think. 

A phrase that popped into my head recently, and continues to show up: take nothing for granted. I don't think I do, but there it was. I'm not sure what it means for me yet, but I'll see how it evolves. 

A few other meaningful words, phrases, and thoughts I'm starting the year with: 

• everything I want lives on the other side of fear
• self-care is health-care
• see problems as projects, or a puzzle to continually solve (this is what makes life interesting)
• our shadow side has something to teach us; embrace it
• don't believe everything I think 

Marie Forleo's book, Everything is Figure-out-able, is one of the 30+ books I've told myself I want to read this year. Since I think I read just 10 last year, that's a big commitment. And, everything IS figure-out-able—whether figuring out how to read 30+ books in a year, or achieving the intentions I set for the year.  

Things to stop doing

Besides the list of goals and resolutions for 2020, we might want to also look at what to stop doing, or do differently. The Broken Brain podcast (#87 in case it's no longer on top when you come across this) has a great list of things that hold us back—those things that trip us up, that we should stop or think about differently. The list was useful, so here's my take on it: 

1. Stop obsessing about what others think of you; it's none of your business and doesn't help you, you'll never be all things to all people, nor should you want to be
2. Stop wasting time on social media; that's not to say don't use social media; it can be a great tool—just be mindful and use it wisely
3. Don't think you need to or should do everything by yourself; ask for help or support from friends (I have a lot of room for improvement here)
4. Don't blame anyone for your situation or circumstances; look within... whatever happened may not be your fault, but you're responsible for what you do next
5. Don't let life just happen to you, be intentional: what do you really want—today, tomorrow, next year, when you're 90? Set an intention the night before about what you want the next day to look/feel like (this is something I want to be better at)
6. Stop spending time with people who don't energize you, who drain you, or that you don't feel better about yourself when you're around them; many of our relationships are habitualized or obligatory... it's OK to say no and set boundaries, or just let go 
7. Reflect on what you consume intellectually; what content are you engaging with—books, film, news, online... do these make you better, inspire you, energize you, or do they give you anxiety, promote fear, or in some way make you feel less than
8. Stop living by other people's expectations or ideas of what you should do and who you should be; the top regrets of the dying are not living an authentic life and not choosing to be happier
9. Stop being hard on yourself, and give yourself some grace; perfect is the enemy of the good, and imperfect action, consistently, moves you forward

Don't let rain clouds stop you... behind
every cloud is sunshine and blue sky. 

So, what does 2020 look like for you? How can you be a better version of yourself? How can you keep on swimming, even when you don't feel like it, and take steps that move you in the direction you want to go? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Convergence: the wise words of Death, and decade reflections

A stairway to... somewhere? 

"It gets under your skin, life..." said Death. "Speaking metaphorically, of course. It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another." 

This, from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, a twisted take on a Christmas story that I faithfully watch every year. 

Discworld is no Planet Earth, but BBC brings this other world into clear focus, and while entertaining, it also offers keen insights and intriguing perspective we can apply here, too, on our spinning round ball.  

A heartwarming tale, though the villain is truly villainous and not for the faint of heart, Death gets some of the best lines in the three-plus hours—worth considering as we close out both a year and a decade. 

"You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?" 

Some of the major themes I wrote about this year: create your future, the role of mindset, and the power of beliefs (conscious or not). 

We must believe: 1) in ourselves, 2) in our capabilities) 3) that we create based on what we want and not what we've done or what's necessarily true, 4) that we deserve our good, and 5) that the universe, or life force, or divine energy—whatever you want to call it—conspires for our highest and greatest good. 

It's important to note that we often get in our own way, usually without knowing it. It's those underlying beliefs that hold us back, the self-talk we don't notice or don't give credence to, and persistent patterns and habits that no longer support us. 

We can create the life we want. Sometimes we have to #dohardthings first, though, which usually includes a thorough self-audit, and there is this thing, I believe, called Divine Right Timing. Self-awareness is critical to growth and change. It requires deep reflection, soul-trembling honesty, and a willingness to let go of who we are for who we can be. 

"Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom?" 

Life is precious, and while I don't believe we should always be busy, always striving, nor always productive, I do believe curiosity is a superpower—one that consistently helps us grow and moves us forward. It's one of mine, and one I'm deeply grateful for. 

What do you wonder about? Are you curious about why you've made the choices you have? Are you curious enough to realize you've made choices your entire life, and the results of those choices are why you do what you do, live how you do, and determine who you have around you? What about the world-at-large fascinates or befuddles you? 

As far as we know, or at least as far as we can conceive consciously, we have this one life, and it's up to us to make it what we want it to be. We can live in ignorance and blame the world for our situations and be victims of our circumstances, but we'll perpetuate the life we're already living. It won't get better. We can 'create better problems', as author and blogger Mark Manson writes about. 

There are endless places and ideas to explore, things to try, entire libraries to delve into, new people who cross your path every day who have a different story than your own, and now, in our digital world, podcasts and new music to listen to, and encyclopedic volumes of information at our fingertips. I've mentioned my sociology professor before, who often said: See everyone as your guru of the moment. In other words, everyone has something to teach us, even when it isn't immediately apparent. 

What do you want to know more about? 

"There is always time for another last minute... there's no better present than a future... "

My birthday, the winter solstice, Christmas, and year-end all arrive within two weeks of each other. I take this convergence to mean it's a powerful time for me—a time to go deeper than usual, to reflect, assess what I've learned and what about the last year had meaning, and set intentions for creation and change in the, or my, new year. A Christmas birthday can be hard—I've had a lot of stories around it that aren't supportive... but shifting my thinking to one of convergence is how I've not just finally made peace with it—my initial thinking—but how it truly works in my favor. 

We can all do this, whether at year-end, around your birthday, or whenever it makes sense. But now, as we close out a decade, it can be helpful to take a look back as you think ahead. 

Could you have ever imagined, 10 years ago, where you'd be now? Whether you observe it / judge it to be good or bad, is this what you had in mind for your life?  

Ten years ago, I could barely see beyond what was immediately in front of me. Forrest and I had separated and didn't know if we'd be back together. I started a new job, and my first six months were rocky. I had a balloon payment due on my mortgage and had been out of work following a layoff when the 2008 recession hit, so even my home was at risk. 

While I had plenty of self-awareness and had been doing a lot of this work for a lot of my life, suddenly, nearly everything was in question. 

And, I was intentional. I got very clear when this all seemed to happen at once that something still wasn't working. I recognized I had beliefs and patterns and habits that kept me stuck, including that life was hard, I didn't believe I belonged here, and that I couldn't have what I wanted. 

So, with help, hard work, a lot of soul-searching and solitude, I changed all that. And here we are, at the end of one and the start of another decade. There are some outward similarities, but on the inside, I'm a different person. Just as much of our bodies regenerate every seven or so years, so too, have I regenerated my beliefs, my thinking, and my actions. 

That's a lot to celebrate. And it's important to acknowledge what we consider success. I can build on this as I look ahead to 2020, and the decade in front of me.   

No matter our condition, that we are living, breathing, evolving individuals all connected through an energetic system invisible to the eye, is nothing short of miraculous, considering the complexity of our very existence.

What do you want in these last minutes of this, our second decade of the 21st century? As Death so wisely stated, there's no better present than a future. How can you set the stage for an awesome 2020, and the next decade? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

What to do when you don't know what to do

As we begin the close-out of another year, there's no shortage of things that must be done. There's an urgency in the air, no matter how few obligations you actually have. That's true for me, at least, with no parents or children (other than my "little" through Big Sisters) that come with requirements.  

And still, year-end to-do lists are lengthy. There are still presents to make, purchase, wrap, package, give, or mail; cards and notes to write and send; holiday parties and people to see; goals and intentions to revisit or finish; year-end work projects, reports, and expenses to submit; and of course, prepping for the weather as winter officially arrives. 

Too-long to-do lists can be paralyzing. Even when it's self-generated. 

Do one thing... 

I occasionally read Marc and Angel Hack Life, a blog with over 100k followers, who advise their readers and clients when they're in this place to do just one thing: wash their dishes. 

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, it's much easier to prioritize and see what's next. 

One go-to tactic is putting away clutter. Anything not in its rightful place gets put where it needs to be--hanging up coats, neatly stacking overflowing books and magazines... this is especially necessary if you live in a small space. 

Another tactic: keep a paper shopping bag tucked away for unwanted items to take to a charity shop or in some other way rehome. 

Bigger projects, or space to dream 

When we do our dishes and put away clutter, we make space in our heads. An uncluttered mind creates space for new ideas, projects, or just regenerating. Perhaps there's a side hustle you want to launch? 

Without the distractions of clutter and mess, your goals, dreams, and ideals have more room to flourish. 

As we approach the end of another year, it's the perfect time to reflect. What no longer fits, literally and figuratively? What no longer supports you, your goals, or your dreams? Hindsight is a great teacher: look back at the year and see what worked, what didn't, when you were thriving, when you were learning, and what you were doing. Everything is information, and we have to allow ourselves to process and access it. 

Here's a helpful exercise: 

• take a piece of paper, fold it in thirds
• write in the first column something you remember about the year that had meaning for you
• write in the second column why it had meaning and what you learned
• write in the third column what about that want or don't want to take into the new year with you. 

Let that guide you as you set goals or intentions for the coming year. 

Start with your dishes. Then take the next step. 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

When we need new friends...

Symbiotic relationships:
Life & death

When I lost my job in a 2016 reorg, it was soon clear how I relied on work for social connection. While I know a lot of people, most of my closest friends live anywhere but close--Canada, Chile, California, the UK, and the Southeast.  

While finding a job was important, I quickly realized building community and making new friends were equally important.  

Studies now show that social connection is as important for health and longevity as good sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. But interestingly, studies also show we'll sync with those we spend the most time with, e.g., if our social network is largely unhealthy, we're more likely to be unhealthy, too. 

Who we spend time with matters.

Intentional connection

Not long after the layoff, my partner went back to work—he's a merchant mariner away on ships for months at a time. While he's not my everything, he's my a-lot-o'things—companion, confidant, cheerleader, housemate, playmate... When he leaves for work, those first coupl'a weeks are like losing an appendage until I find my groove. I had a big gap.  

But I couldn't fill that gap randomly; I wanted people who shared my values and had a growth mindset. While I again lived in the city I grew up in and had "friends" both old and new, I enjoyed seeing some online. But I knew they wouldn't be part of the intentional "community" I wanted to create now.  

Desired experience 

So I considered the kinds of connection I wanted, what I wanted to do, learn, and experience, who I wanted to learn from, as well as where I could contribute. 

Those I spent time with must share some degree of optimism, gratitude, a willingness to expand their horizons, authentic generosity, and a curiosity about the world at large. That doesn't leave room for scarcity mindsets, victims, or even happy doomers. 

It's a life-affirming approach, knowing we create the lives we want and contribute to a better world.      

Relationship audits

Sometimes we outgrow our friends—and not just those from high school. There's a saying I don't love, but it's applicable: Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And that's OK. We're on this earth to grow, and we're all on different paths.  

I know a few people who regularly audit their "friends" on Facebook. I don't do this because that's time I don't want to spend, but I do find it important to audit IRL friends. Some friendships are deep and meaningful, and some are just for fun... both have value, but the question I ask about whether a friendship still fits, is: Do I feel energized or drained after being with that friend?  

Where to find friends

While we can find "community" in many places, making new friends isn't always easy for many adults. A recent Broken Brain podcast discussed this in-depth and offered ideas to find and create more meaningful friendships. 

Here are some examples of what I did that stuck: 

• I found a great professional women's group on Meet-Up, went to monthly meetings, took a few workshops, and have now had coffee with someone I have some things in common with; this may be the start of a new friendship.
• I went to the Seattle Lean In chapter's monthly meetings. At one of them, I ran into a former colleague and we decided to start a Lean In 'small circle' together with an assigned group of participants. We now meet monthly and the acquaintances are deepening into friendships. 
• Despite being church-averse, the spiritual center nearby intrigued me, so I dropped in on Sundays and signed up for a class--which led to more classes, volunteer work, and a few social activities. I can now say honestly I have new like-minded friends.  
• Online groups, while not the in-person connection I craved, filled some holes; one professional development group has a few locals in it, so I planned a get-together in December and a couple of coffee dates with others.  



Amazing Grace Spiritual Center, a
Center for Spiritual Living, on
their 10th anniversary

• I also found no shortage of volunteer opportunities, a great way to meet people. About the same time I was laid off, I was matched with a 'little' through the Big Sisters program, which did two things: it forced me to try new activities, and gave me a good reason to say no to other things--which can be as or more important than saying yes. 

An important outcome now that I'm busier: I pay close attention to who gets my time, why they get it, and how much I share my thoughts and feelings. Only some get my true self with the vulnerable parts. That takes time and reciprocal effort.  

Did it work? 

The short answer: from each of these efforts, I now have not just community, but individuals I call friends. 

Relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back on what we believe about the world and ourselves. Generally, we have to like the reflection or at least be open to it. If we don't, we can gauge whether it's an opportunity to learn and thereby worth looking at, or whether it's time to let go. 

Our health and wellness, including mental and emotional health, may depend on how we answer.   



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

One in a million: live up to your potential

Are you one in a million? 

Psychologists estimate that not one person in a million is living up to their potential. Wait, what? 

Next time you're out-and-about--walking, on a bus, in an elevator, look around and imagine everyone being their best selves. What kind of impact would that have, on them, on us, or in world?   

I'm paraphrasing Eric Butterworth's Spiritual Economics, a book I'm reading for a class of the same name. He doesn't cite a source, and it's from 2001 so not current, but the estimate has a ring of truth even now, although I hope it's exaggerated.  

He then asks, "Look in the mirror and reflect on this same thing. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you could realize your potential?" 

The idea of self-actualization is relatively recent, at least in western culture, and we're just now starting to understand neuroplasticity, the mind-body connection, and motivation. He does go on to also offer encouragement and hope, noting our "civilization is just beginning and the best is yet to be." 

We're actually better than ever

While locally and globally we have great cultural problems, including gaping class and cultural divides, statistically we're better in more ways than not. Author Steven Pinker talks about this and offers a lot of data in Better Angels of our Nature, to name just one example. 

So much of what we experience is our perspective, no matter where we fall on a socio-economic scale. There's research that indicates we don't get happier with more affluence; in fact, sometimes the more we have, the less happy we tend to be. So potential is not tied to perceived success or monetary gain. 

Here's an exercise Butterworth suggests: 

Choose the most difficult thing you're facing right now and say, 'I know that this is the best thing that could happen to me; I know that in the happening there's a new lesson to learn and some new growth to experience. Within me is an unborn possibility of limitless potentialities and this is my opportunity to give birth to new ideas, new strengths, and new vision. I accept the reality of the difficulty but not its permanence. ... By knowing 'it has come to pass', something wonderful is on its way to me far surpassing anything I have ever known before...'

Everything is impermanent

My mother was fond of saying, "this too shall pass" and it drove me nuts. However, she was right (of course). Everything is impermanent. What happened moments ago will never happen in the same way again, nor will what happens next. 

I recently heard someone suggest we view our 'problems' as 'projects'. I like it. Projects end. They always resolve. We can break them into pieces and take on easier-to-digest small part by small part. And they usually end well; at the least, they're always opportunities for learning.  

Spiritual Economics is full of wise words, but because Butterworth was a 'new thought' minister and borrowed heavily from Christian language, I do mental gymnastics with his use of Biblical terms. Conceptually, however, it's gratefully different, and the book is fine-tuning my own thinking—and getting me closer to living my potential. 

What difficult thing can you ask yourself about today?  



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.