How good can you stand it?

My idea of bliss

My cousins and I met this morning for our semi-annual Christmas breakfast at Fishermen's Terminal. Pondering the lengthy menu, we all noted we don't eat much for breakfast these days, but it was still a good idea. It's not quite a tradition but gives us quality time together, a rare thing these days. 

There were fewer of us this year. Over warm citrus scones, we reflected on our family. One cousin recently turned 60, and we noted how she's now lived longer than her mom and two sisters—gone before they turned 60.   

We acknowledged how grateful we are. We're generally healthy in mind and body, working, and in relationships that work for us. And we weren't cursed with addictive or destructive patterns like some who prematurely left this plane. What a gift.  


Creating more good

We're now in the throes of the holiday season... a time for giving as well as receiving. While I consume less than I used to, I find joy in finding just the right gift for someone I care about. And, I find giving so much easier than receiving. Part of emotional growth is learning to accept a gift graciously, even or especially when not reciprocated, whether it's a wrapped package, a compliment, or an act of kindness.  

What helped? Understanding the law of circulation: it feels good to give, which has a ripple effect, and if we give and don't receive, we'll get depleted.  

Acknowledging our good

Whether a daily gratitude practice or just counting your blessings as you see them, good begets good. As is true for most of us, my life is hardly perfect, but it's the hard things that ultimately make it better. Moving through a challenge, diving into a problem, navigating a hurdle... those bring meaning and purpose to our lives.  

When we know this, our lives get better. How you ever said, "I'll be happy when..." or "I'll be happy if..." It's a never-ending pursuit, and rarely brings happiness. 

Happiness is right here, right now; we choose. If it's elusive, look at how you fill your time, who you spend it with, and your expectations. You might find clues. 

Good perspective 

Many of us look back at the year in December. Radio stations play top songs, writers and readers share book lists, newspapers review top stories. Before setting goals or intentions, it's useful to take stock. 

• What worked well for you this last year? 
• What are you most proud of? 
• What do you want more of that you started? 
• Are there lessons you learned from what didn't work? 

Please don't lament or shame yourself if you didn't achieve your desires; it's easy to be optimistic about what we can accomplish and forget to account for real-life twists and turns. Look for what you learned instead.  

How much good...? 

So... How much good do you want in your life? What brings you meaning? How would it feel live in bliss? Do you know what this looks or feels like?   

For me: outside, in the woods or on the water. Sometimes in meditation or when I reflect and write my gratitude lists. Spending time with people I love. Diving deep into something new. Laughing. ...   

Bliss is fleeting but so delightful as it melts into contentment. 

Define it. See it. Create it. Own it. And when you can, just be it.  


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Maximized, appreciated, compensated

Reach toward the sunshine
and grab onto possibilities. 

I heard this line on Gretchen Rubin's Happier podcast this morning—something a pro football player said when asked why he changed teams: I want to be maximized, appreciated, and compensated. 

It's my new mantra. 

The prolific Irish playwright (and founder of the London School of Economics) George Bernard Shaw said, "I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no 'brief candle' to me. It's sort of a splendid torch which I have a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it over to future generations." 

While I'm using the above mantra as I look to make a work change, it got me thinking about life in general and why knowing our worth and valuing ourselves is so important. So, some thoughts and questions for you to sit with: 

• life is short, fight for your dreams, and if you don't know what your dreams are, what lights you up? 
• don't settle; write that bucket list if you haven't already and start checking these off
• recognize when it's time to make a change because, at least during this incarnation, we only get one chance at this
• we all have unique gifts to share with the world; even if you don't know yours, or if it feels too modest, it's important
• regrets suck, so now's the time; what are you curious about? what do you want to explore, know, see, do, feel, experience before you die? 
• and if you're not sure if you can, or if you should, why not? and why NOT you? 

Take some time with these. Be honest. You're worth the time and consideration. 

As a coach I know often says, everything you want is on the other side of fear. So if that's what stops you, what's the impact of that? What's the payoff for staying safe?  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene

Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background

Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!

Staying together: 18 tips for a thriving relationship

We've come a long way. What I thought would be a summer fling has grown into an 18-year (and counting) relationship.

Forrest and Laura, by artist friend
Teresa Waclawik, after visiting
us in Seattle, 1999.

He was young. A musician. I was divorced. Starting over.

I lived on the Canadian west coast. He was leaving Washington's Olympic Peninsula to return to the deep southeast, where he's from. By motorcycle.

He stayed at my place for Music West, Vancouver's then music conference and festival. We were two ships passing that weekend. But over dinner that last night, something clicked. He ran. I hid.

We saw each other a few more times before he crossed the country. Then we emailed. We hand-wrote letters. We had long conversations. We visited. For a year-and-a-half, we grew closer even in our distance. Then we landed in Seattle.

Forrest and Laura, May 18, 2014
at Willows Inn on Lummi Island.
Celebrating 18 years. 

That fateful dinner was the beginning of an adventure. Because we don't have a wedding date, we attribute May 18 as the day we set our intention to stay together.

I've read countless times that you won't always like or even love your partner, and it's true. While it isn't always easy, if you can weather the storms, the rewards are worth it.

Here's my list of 18 lessons learned - one for every year but in no particular order - to create an enduring relationship.

1. Laugh. Any way you can, as much as you can. Have fun. Be silly. Don't be afraid to look goofy. Then the difficult times become almost funny, as long as you're laughing together.
2. Get over yourself. Sure, we all want to be right. And, we all have filters that get projected onto our partners. Cliche' though it may be, recognize when you point a finger at your partner, there are four pointing back at you. Ask what's more important, being right or the relationship. 
3. Don't make assumptions. We created an "ass check" - a lighthearted way to check in with the other if one of us might be assuming something. The ass check also supports 1 & 2 above.
4. Chill. Another cliche', but don't sweat the small stuff. If 'improperly' squeezing the toothpaste tube is more than a minor annoyance, it might be a sign there's more going on under the surface.
5. Argue. Sometimes it's necessary. I used to think that disaster was upon us if we had a fight. But you're two different people and you're never going to agree on everything. Step away if it gets too heated, but be clear when you'll be back. And see #1 above; nothing diffuses an argument quicker than laughter. Inside jokes help; they both make you laugh and build intimacy.
   
6. Own your stuff. I am responsible for my emotions and actions. How he feels is his responsibility. Period. 
7. Talk. Even when it's uncomfortable. In fact, especially when it's uncomfortable. Be direct. Share feelings. Our partners aren't mind readers, even though they know us better than anyone else.
   
8. Give and take. You can't always have it your way. Know when it's important to compromise or concede. Sometimes doing something because you know it makes your partner happy is enough.
9. Dream. What do you want to create together? What kind of life do you want? Having shared dreams moves you forward, together. Having your own dreams makes you interesting... and helps you grow. 
10. Forgive. We've had some tough times. When we first landed in Seattle, I was depressed - my mom was ill, I had no job, and life looked grim. In 2009, his stress, lack of coping skills and unhealthy habits led to a meltdown. While forgetting isn't essential, forgiveness is. And if trust is broken, we're proof it can be rebuilt.
11. Have compassion. We all go through rough patches. We fumble, we fail, we lose confidence. No one escapes this, so be patient and kind when it happens to your partner. And, have compassion for yourself when it happens to you, and hope they do the same.
12. Trust your instincts. They're almost always right. Act on your hunches, for better or worse. 
13. Be trustworthy. Be who you say you are, do what you say you're going to do. Operate with unflinching integrity.
14. Be grateful and check your baggage. We all have baggage, and it follows us into relationships. So look for the gifts and appreciate the small kindnesses, and be mindful about taking each other for granted. Much like tending a garden, this requires consistent effort and attention. 
15. Ask for help. Sometimes you can't do it on your own. We had a therapist from an earlier time. He made the call, but I came along. We saw her separately, but concurrently. With her help, because of his breakdown, I had major breakthroughs. Painful, yes. We made the choice to stay together. Miraculously, we can even laugh at the breakdown now. It got us where we are. 
16. Make time for each other. And yourselves. Friendship is key. Share meals. Watch a movie. Hold hands. Write notes. Go for a walk and talk about your day. Everything has an opposing side - be sure to give each other enough room, too. Having a life of your own gives you something to talk about.
    
17. Respect each other. We all aim to do the best we can. We make mistakes. There's truth in the saying, "perfect is the enemy of the good." Take time to learn about your partner's life goals and aspirations, and share yours. 
18. Be willing to grow. Don't be afraid of change because nothing stays the same. Giving each other room to grow, as well as growing together, is essential. A solid foundation of shared values, dreams, love and respect helps you grow as an individual and as a couple. We're two individuals on our own paths, and they happen to be parallel. It makes our journey together far more interesting. 

Many of these were hard for me and took plenty of practice. Even laughing. Often serious and sensitive, I've had to let go of some beliefs about who I was, what I thought was important, and maybe more importantly, what I made things mean. Now, it just gets better.

Words matter. I love you... 

thank you.... I'm sorry... I get it... 

 these make a difference... 

PS... For anyone who's read this blog since the beginning, this is evidence of just how far we've really come.  

Speak up: your health, happiness and well-being depend on it

Tybee Island gulls, chatting among themselves.

I have a voice. So do you.

Do you hear me? Good. Because we all need to be heard.

A few nights ago, I woke up in the wee hours, a bit unsettled... dreaming that my partner of 17+ years told me we were getting married on May 23. What??? I'm on the fence about marriage, so that wasn't what nagged me. I believe the dream was a gut reaction to my birthday present: he planned my - our - vacation. Now, don't get me wrong. For the most part, I'm OK with this. He has good ideas, and I know we'll have fun together; that he was so thoughtful and actually took the time to plan this, well, that's awesome. His choice was one of several places we considered; we just hadn't collectively decided yet (and because of some history and my limited vacation time, I wanted to weigh in). Really, it's a small thing, in this context.


However... 

...what this brings up for me are the many times throughout my life where I haven't had a voice - haven't had a say, haven't had a choice. Where choices have been made for me. And I've had a few sleepless nights lately thinking about this. That's where the unsettled feeling came from.

My partner and I have come far in our 17+ years together. We have invested time and energy to learn about ourselves, and each other. A few years ago, we made a concerted effort to learn how to talk with each other, to set aside our filters and assumptions when we're listening, or at least, only assume positive intent. (Why is it so easy to assume the worst, even from those who love us?) To not let our stories about ourselves (e.g., "I can't do anything right...") get in the way of how we hear what the other is saying.

Because when we hear with our filters, we miss the message and the conversation becomes about me, not us, not the person we're engaged with. We're largely conditioned to hear what we want to hear, what we may have expected to hear, if not now, then at some point in our lives. Yes, that's right. We collect evidence for the stories about ourselves we're familiar and comfortable with - even if we don't like them (does "I can't do anything right" translate to "I'm not good enough?" It just might, for some of us; note that these are common interpretations). Maybe we don't recognize those self-sabotaging stories yet. If not, we're more likely to get triggered. Which shuts down any opening for conversation.

So how do we talk with each other, speaking up and honoring ourselves, when we risk triggering someone's stuff? What happens if we shut down and don't say anything?

Staying quiet about what we care about serves no one. Staying quiet is a recipe for disaster. Really, it just prolongs an uncomfortable situation.


So we learn to speak up. 

We speak from a place of love and respect. We pay attention. We check in. We know there might be filters and triggers; we ask questions. And we speak what's true for us, from the inside out. It's not about having the last word, or the first word, but engaging in meaningful conversation.

He and I have worked very hard at this, and it's paid off. (So at some point, he and I are going to talk, but because he's aboard a ship off the coast of Florida, we haven't yet been able to talk about it with any depth. As he is wont to remind me, timing is everything.)

Timing is important, but it's not the be all, end all. Sometimes, there's never a good time. Sometimes, speaking up in the moment is essential for our well-being - and even safety. And sometimes, taking the time to think through the message we want to impart or just being courteous are our best options. But silence rarely is.

Good judgment speaks volumes. Choice of words and tone are also important. Lashing out is not speaking up. Accusing or attacking aren't speaking out.

Speaking up is speaking our truth, sharing our feelings, expressing our opinions, standing up for ourselves, while honoring ourselves and our relationships.


I've had to learn - and unlearn - a lot.

Not being heard goes back to childhood, growing up in an environment where I was frequently dismissed. In my teens, my mouth got me in trouble: Notice me! But by then I had a lot of anger and this didn't help my cause. I didn't speak up; I lashed out. I didn't know how to use my voice; I didn't know it was OK for no to really mean no. I didn't know I had choices. Or that my opinions or what I wanted counted for something. As an adult, I largely shut up and chose not to rock boats, and was occasionally blindsided by the actions of others. Had I the tools I have now, I doubt it could happen.

So what have I learned?

• Communicating in a way that's honoring, respectful and compassionate is vital for healthy relationships - in any environment or circumstance.
• While I can't control anyone's actions or words, I'm no longer a victim of my circumstances. I can choose how I respond to what happens around me and what other people do. 
• Allowing my voice to be silenced was learned behavior that can be unlearned. (Anger is also learned behavior that can be unlearned; while some anger can be healthy and motivating, expressing it appropriately is essential.)
• An argument today beats resentment tomorrow, and arguing doesn't mean the world will end. Nor does disagreement.
• Acceptance and approval need only come from me. Validation from outside sources isn't necessary. I operate from a place of high integrity; if someone doesn't like what I have to say or what I do, I'll welcome a conversation. 
• How someone responds to me is their responsibility. 

A few years ago I made some different choices. I knew I wanted different results in key areas of my life, including work and my relationships. And while I didn't know how to get these results, didn't even know just what I was looking for, I knew it was time for things to change. With some help, deep reflection and actively observing my own behavior, patterns and habits, things changed, and my results were different.

This is a much more powerful place to be. I know that what we internalize has to manifest in some way, and repressed anger, withdrawal, and silence can all lead to illness, crumbling relationships, depression, and so much more. If we keep our true selves, or our true feelings, blocked or invisible, we benefit no one, not even ourselves.

If it's important, speak up. 

It's a new year. What are you ready to speak up for?

How to be hopeful and helpful during the holidays

For all the hoopla, fun, and togetherness some experience during the holidays, the season also comes with extra tasks and expectations. And for some, it's a lonely time of year. The days are short and dark, ads in print, on the airwaves and on the internet depict happy gatherings, gifts and good times. Perhaps because it's also the end of the year, all those unmet goals and ideals can amplify in their importance. I know my world can be a crazy mash up of all of these.

What to do? Here are a few things I try to keep in mind as the clock ticks faster and the days evaporate.

• Prioritize. What's really important - and as important, who decides? Check in with yourself to see if it's an obligation you can renegotiate or somehow do differently. Or not do at all. What's the worst that can happen if something doesn't get done? Carefully evaluate what's worthy of keeping on the overflowing to-do list. 
• Say no. Measure the value of invitations, engagements and expectations. Where will your help or offering be most appreciated and valued? What will you remember most when it's all behind you? 
• Say yes. What's the most meaningful to you this time of year? How can you practice radical self-care in the midst of it all? 
• How much is enough? Will the trinkets and gifts be memorable in the years - or even days - to come? If not, what can you do differently? There are countless charitable organizations that would welcome gifts of time, money or needed supplies. And there's something for every interest: animal lovers and conservationists, or the homeless, seniors or children in need. I aim for local, but CharityWatch has some ideas for global organizations that make a difference. 
• Reach out. If you have time or energy to give, or need someone to give to you, there are many ways to do this. Sometimes there's no better way to feel hopeful and helpful than to give to others, even when it feels like we have nothing to give. There's no shame in needing support. We all have low points, and we all need to rejuvenate and replenish. At points throughout our lives, we all give and take. The scales eventually balance, in whatever way they need to, whether a direct exchange or we pay it forward. 

A few final tips that keep me sane... Despite my penchant for shopping the rest of the year, I try to avoid malls and big box stores from mid-November to Boxing Day. I make small things for girlfriends, and buy gifts like preserves or special indulgences from the farmers market. Usually there's a new product I'm particularly excited about - a locally crafted chocolate, coffee or tea, or a soap or body product - and I share that. I don't get energy from people the way I used to (as I age, I'm becoming more introverted), so a random party is less meaningful to me than reading a book or watching favorite Christmas specials for the umpteenth time. Or going for a nice long walk, bundled like a weeble-wobble.

Notice what gives you energy, and do that. And notice what drains you, and see what you can do differently. Chances are, as you start to pay attention, you'll feel the difference.

And, if you thrive on chaos, now's your time. Enjoy!