Convergence: the wise words of Death, and decade reflections

A stairway to... somewhere? 

"It gets under your skin, life..." said Death. "Speaking metaphorically, of course. It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another." 

This, from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, a twisted take on a Christmas story that I faithfully watch every year. 

Discworld is no Planet Earth, but BBC brings this other world into clear focus, and while entertaining, it also offers keen insights and intriguing perspective we can apply here, too, on our spinning round ball.  

A heartwarming tale, though the villain is truly villainous and not for the faint of heart, Death gets some of the best lines in the three-plus hours—worth considering as we close out both a year and a decade. 

"You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?" 

Some of the major themes I wrote about this year: create your future, the role of mindset, and the power of beliefs (conscious or not). 

We must believe: 1) in ourselves, 2) in our capabilities) 3) that we create based on what we want and not what we've done or what's necessarily true, 4) that we deserve our good, and 5) that the universe, or life force, or divine energy—whatever you want to call it—conspires for our highest and greatest good. 

It's important to note that we often get in our own way, usually without knowing it. It's those underlying beliefs that hold us back, the self-talk we don't notice or don't give credence to, and persistent patterns and habits that no longer support us. 

We can create the life we want. Sometimes we have to #dohardthings first, though, which usually includes a thorough self-audit, and there is this thing, I believe, called Divine Right Timing. Self-awareness is critical to growth and change. It requires deep reflection, soul-trembling honesty, and a willingness to let go of who we are for who we can be. 

"Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom?" 

Life is precious, and while I don't believe we should always be busy, always striving, nor always productive, I do believe curiosity is a superpower—one that consistently helps us grow and moves us forward. It's one of mine, and one I'm deeply grateful for. 

What do you wonder about? Are you curious about why you've made the choices you have? Are you curious enough to realize you've made choices your entire life, and the results of those choices are why you do what you do, live how you do, and determine who you have around you? What about the world-at-large fascinates or befuddles you? 

As far as we know, or at least as far as we can conceive consciously, we have this one life, and it's up to us to make it what we want it to be. We can live in ignorance and blame the world for our situations and be victims of our circumstances, but we'll perpetuate the life we're already living. It won't get better. We can 'create better problems', as author and blogger Mark Manson writes about. 

There are endless places and ideas to explore, things to try, entire libraries to delve into, new people who cross your path every day who have a different story than your own, and now, in our digital world, podcasts and new music to listen to, and encyclopedic volumes of information at our fingertips. I've mentioned my sociology professor before, who often said: See everyone as your guru of the moment. In other words, everyone has something to teach us, even when it isn't immediately apparent. 

What do you want to know more about? 

"There is always time for another last minute... there's no better present than a future... "

My birthday, the winter solstice, Christmas, and year-end all arrive within two weeks of each other. I take this convergence to mean it's a powerful time for me—a time to go deeper than usual, to reflect, assess what I've learned and what about the last year had meaning, and set intentions for creation and change in the, or my, new year. A Christmas birthday can be hard—I've had a lot of stories around it that aren't supportive... but shifting my thinking to one of convergence is how I've not just finally made peace with it—my initial thinking—but how it truly works in my favor. 

We can all do this, whether at year-end, around your birthday, or whenever it makes sense. But now, as we close out a decade, it can be helpful to take a look back as you think ahead. 

Could you have ever imagined, 10 years ago, where you'd be now? Whether you observe it / judge it to be good or bad, is this what you had in mind for your life?  

Ten years ago, I could barely see beyond what was immediately in front of me. Forrest and I had separated and didn't know if we'd be back together. I started a new job, and my first six months were rocky. I had a balloon payment due on my mortgage and had been out of work following a layoff when the 2008 recession hit, so even my home was at risk. 

While I had plenty of self-awareness and had been doing a lot of this work for a lot of my life, suddenly, nearly everything was in question. 

And, I was intentional. I got very clear when this all seemed to happen at once that something still wasn't working. I recognized I had beliefs and patterns and habits that kept me stuck, including that life was hard, I didn't believe I belonged here, and that I couldn't have what I wanted. 

So, with help, hard work, a lot of soul-searching and solitude, I changed all that. And here we are, at the end of one and the start of another decade. There are some outward similarities, but on the inside, I'm a different person. Just as much of our bodies regenerate every seven or so years, so too, have I regenerated my beliefs, my thinking, and my actions. 

That's a lot to celebrate. And it's important to acknowledge what we consider success. I can build on this as I look ahead to 2020, and the decade in front of me.   

No matter our condition, that we are living, breathing, evolving individuals all connected through an energetic system invisible to the eye, is nothing short of miraculous, considering the complexity of our very existence.

What do you want in these last minutes of this, our second decade of the 21st century? As Death so wisely stated, there's no better present than a future. How can you set the stage for an awesome 2020, and the next decade? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Let's talk about death...

Grape leaves: the cycle of life

A few months ago, I signed up for a dinner party where death had a seat at the table. You could even say death was the guest of honor. 

Talking about death isn't something most of us who grew up in western culture are comfortable with. Sadly, because not having those oh-so-important conversations can make loss even more devastating. 

And not only do we not want to talk about it, many of us don't have cultural rituals to guide us when loved ones die. In some cases where we do, those rituals we grew up with don't fit anymore. 


This isn't a post about grief; I write about that enough. This is a reminder to all of us to do the things that must be done—the hard things, those caring things that make life easier for those left behind when we, too, leave this mortal plane. 

#DeathDinners

My dinner with death was last Saturday, and yes, it was fascinating, and yes, death was nearly the sole topic of conversation.  

Based around 'death over dinner' events (#deathdinner) started by University of Washington professor Michael Hebb in 2013, the dinners grew from a graduate course called Let's Have Dinner and Talk about Death. In 2018, Hebb authored the best-seller, Let's Talk About Death Over Dinner; from this website, you can also learn about hosting your own dinner with death. Why over dinner? As Hebb notes, the dinner table is the most forgiving place for a difficult conversation.

The dinner I attended was hosted by former lawyer now end-of-life coach Ann Forrest Burns. (Do check out her site; it's fabulous and you can learn some things. Do it; it's safe to look.) There were six of us around the table, and we started our conversation by sharing the first memory we had of a significant death. 

The impact of loss

My dad was my first significant death, but not a memory of my own as he died shortly after I was born. But my mom mourned his death until she, too, left the mortal plane when I was 38. That was big. 

Other losses left an impenetrable mark at an early age. My caregivers and my reasons-for-being all died within a few short years of each other: first, my aunt, who died when I was 8; she said "goodbye, daddy" to my grandfather as she was taken from the house on a stretcher—and then never came home. My grandpa left me the following year, and three years later, my grandmother. I was 12, and her death signaled to me that anyone I cared about—or who cared for me—would leave. Hence my modus operandi for the next couple of decades—being left became an expectation, and I looked for love in all the wrong places. 

Since then there were countless others—cousins, friends, pets, and other family members, few from a 'ripe old age' and largely from lifestyle choices. When someone in my family lives to 80 or 90, it's cause for celebration. There are few of them. 

As a little girl, I attended many funerals because of a large, extended family, and while uncommon today, when I see a funeral procession drive by, I still get choked up. I was often in the family car leading the way. 

Death upon death

Mortal death isn't the only death, though. My mom died an emotional death after my aunt died, closing off and shutting down—that, too, left an indelible mark. And when those we care about lose their quality of life, that may be a series of deaths, as they lose the ability to do what they love. Often, this is a prolonged death. 

Planning ahead 

Death can break apart families. Pre-planning can make a difference. 

I have a Canadian friend who works in the industry and helps people pre-plan. She's been highly successful financially not because she's great at sales, but because she's truly passionate about helping people. Death is hard enough on those left behind; when we plan ahead so others don't have to, we lessen their suffering. She knows this at a deep level.  

Talk with those you love about your needs and desires. Do you want your life sustained if it means you're hooked up to tubes, incubators, or various other machines? There are legal documents that leave no question, and it's best to work with a professional (you can find them in all price ranges). A health directive, or living will, is a must-have to ensure you're taken care of the way you want to be when you can't make decisions for yourself anymore. And don't be smug; this can happen at any time—an accident, or an illness that comes on suddenly. 

When the time comes: 

• How do you want to symbolize your time on earth? 
• How do you want your family taken care of? 
• Who do you want to benefit from any means you may have left, or any of your prized belongings? 
• Do you care if there's a service, and if yes, how it's done? 
• Cremated or buried? Where? We even have a choice of 'green' services now. 

You may think these aren't important, but when the time comes, they're important to those still standing, and the fewer decisions they have to make, the easier it is during a time that's anything but easy.  

Be curious

On Saturday, we also played the game Morbid Curiosity. It's a combination of trivia questions and conversation starters. While some of the trivia answers are humorous, many inform or help you think about options to consider. Conversation starters were either thought-provoking or entertaining. If you need help getting the party started, this game will break the ice. 

Meaningful death

Our lives have meaning, not just for us but for those who care about us. Our death will have meaning, too. Let's help those we leave behind with those most difficult decisions, so they don't have to when their wound is wide open. 

I'm grateful that death doulas are becoming a thing. It's a much-needed service to help us make choices that are meaningful while we still can, and help us navigate the complex industry that death has become. 

Don't wait

While my mom talked about her own death and did some of the pre-planning (thanking lucky stars for the People's Memorial Association here in Washington), I was less-than-impressed with our family's funeral home, the place where I spent enough of my childhood to still have strong memories. If only there were death doulas, or end-of-life coaches, then. It would have saved confusion, frustration, and heartache. 

Don't wait. This is far too important, and it's never too soon. Talk, plan, or find some help. Or host a #deathdinner of your own. It really isn't morbid. We had great conversations, plenty of laughs, and some good food, too. Here's the link again, just in case it helps. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Don't rely on willpower to get what you want

Getting this mimosa to grow from a
stick to a tree required the discipline of
regular water and patience. 

While standing at the bathroom mirror getting ready for work, the word discipline came to mind. 

I can't think of many words I despised more as a teenager. Not in the sense of being punished... although there was that, too. 

People who were disciplined were boring. I hated routine. I didn't care if I was late—to class, on homework, or if I didn't achieve the goals I set... I started out as an over-achiever (really, a people-pleaser), but by 7th grade, after a lot of personal loss, I became the classic underachiever. I was smart and got good grades but that didn't matter. I made myself graduate, but it required a valiant effort in my senior year (yes, discipline...).  

After high school, college required it. But I still didn't like it. Being disciplined had no meaning for me, even though something as simple as regularly watering my plants required a certain amount of it. I still didn't understand the connection between discipline and achieving something because my underlying belief, as a kid, was "why bother." Goals? What goals? 

I also learned as a kid that life was hard. Yet, I'd heard it was supposed to be easy, too, so I had a huge disconnect. Life always felt hard—like walking uphill in concrete boots—but I wanted it to be easy.  

It wasn't until about 10 years ago I realized that "life just is"—there's no hard or easy, just our own perception and what we do with it. 

Rituals make life easier 

Discipline is inherent in our rituals. Call it routine or habit, we create rituals to ease our way; if we're disciplined about them, morning rituals make that hour before work flow more smoothly. Creating those rituals—those habits that serve our dreams and desires—keeps us on track, and for me, on time.  

Now I understand that discipline is necessary to accomplish something, and I know being disciplined, at least much of the time, makes life better. 

Do hard things

Discipline requires commitment, which requires a bit of mental and emotional toughness. Any goal worthy of reaching (and if it isn't, why set it?) is worthy of applying discipline. 

Several coaches I read or listen to talk about doing the hard things, something I'd have balked at when I was younger. But it's true. If we want to be healthy and wealthy in old age, it makes sense to do what feels hard when we're young—eat right, don't over-consume, exercise, save or invest... Those hard things become easier if we're disciplined about them; then they serve our needs, the what we want and why we want it. Discipline makes it happen.  

Willpower vs discipline

Discipline isn't willpower. How many times have you made an excuse and said, "I don't have any willpower" about that second piece of chocolate cake, the shopping excursion (I could use more discipline here...), or the third or fourth glass of wine. Willpower keeps us from taking responsibility; it's not our fault—we just don't have any willpower. We believe we either have it or we don't. And it's a lot about what we believe we deserve. 

Discipline is a choice. Discipline moves us forward, leads to achievement, and helps us accomplish more than we think possible—even if we don't believe we deserve it. Few of us are savants, so to achieve something, we must be disciplined about practice, whether playing sports, an instrument, even the lottery... Sometimes we must be disciplined about just getting through our day-to-day, as well as those lofty goals, like retiring early, traveling the world, or even finding a new job that's a step toward achieving these. 

Try changing your internal language and swap out willpower for discipline. Then get up in the morning and meditate when you want to sleep in. Write daily in a journal. Exercise and skip the sugary beverages. Connect with people when you'd rather isolate or watch TV. Discipline will keep you motivated when you feel like it's too hard. There's a reason to bother: life gets better. 

The magic of discipline

Discipline is something we develop; it's not something we're born with. It's building a muscle, or forming a habit. It's doing something consistently, for a reason you care about. If you miss a mark, you haven't failed; you get up and keep going. Forge ahead doing what you say you're going to do because you choose to.  

To create the life you want, discipline is essential. Start with small things, do the hard things, but just do them. And keep doing them. Soon, it'll be easier.  And you'll be celebrating successes. 

With discipline, nearly anything is possible. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Six months in: Take stock, celebrate wins, course correct

If left unchecked, weeds creep in
and keep our plants from thriving.
The same is true for our thoughts,
feelings and behaviors.    

We're just over six months into 2019, so it seems like a good time to stop, notice, and celebrate our wins so far this year, whether they're large or small.  

Celebrating success is motivating, no matter how small those successes. It's like the debt snowball Dave Ramsey talks about in his money makeover programs: pay off your smallest debt first, then tackle the next smallest. It builds a trail of success that has the potential to grow exponentially. 

Don't climb the wrong ladder...

It's also a great time to check and adjust. There's a saying about reaching the top of your proverbial career ladder, only to discover you climbed the wrong ladder... this applies whether you're climbing the ladder at work, pursuing a dream that you later discover wasn't yours, or doing something that doesn't align with your values.  

A few questions to ask yourself: Do the intentions you set in January still fit? Are you taking the right actions to reach your goals, dreams, and desires? What must you stop, start, or re-assess so that at the end of the year, you feel like you accomplished something important to you?  

We always want to stop and check in with ourselves to make sure we add meaning to our lives. If something isn't working or no longer fits, it's OK to stop doing it. You don't need permission. Re-set. Re-align. What daily actions might fit better than what you're doing now?  

Small wins

Most of my wins this year so far are small, but I'm OK with this. I'm making steady progress, creating and building, and I'm mostly consistent. 

This blog, for instance. I'm writing weekly and have since the first week of January—a challenge I set for myself. I'm building my writing muscle and learning to use my voice in ways I haven't before, about subjects I care about rather than the business topics I write about for work. I didn't know if I could do it, how it would shake out, or who would read it. None of that mattered when I started. 

I also count my new morning and evening rituals as small wins, something I started in early May but had to revisit in late June. How I initially set them up didn't work for me when I got hit with a headache; my new routines do. And they fit with my bigger intention of optimal health and well-being. 

Big wins

I don't have anything I'd classify as really big and tangible so far, but I have a few intangibles, and I'm taking action to land a big win or two by year's end. Those action steps include refining and more clearly defining my priorities, purpose, passions, and values, as well as my short- and long-term goals. These may seem like small wins, but collectively, they feel like and lead to a big win. I'm also setting up meetings to talk about work and life. Change is in the air, and that's a big win. 

Tend to your internal house or
it could end up like this place...
(Second Ave., Belltown, Seattle)

I found my voice this year in ways I didn't know I needed to. A coaching session revealed I'd benefit from taking up space and using that voice. I'm setting boundaries and stating my needs in ways I haven't before—at work, with friends, at home. Sadly, I lost a friend in the process, but I also gained a friend. Change creates change: when we alter who we are, those around us may react, or sometimes, they change, too. Sometimes, we just have to let go. 

I don't want to suggest that wins imply loss, because it's all perception. Loss is also winning. Anytime we gain new awareness, learn, shift our perception, and grow, we win. We really can't lose unless we choose to. 

Enable success

A tip to ensure progress, since we don't set intentions or goals, or have aspirations or dreams, with no desire to fulfill them, is to write everything down in a way you can measure where you are and what you must do to get where you want to go. This doesn't need to be complicated—keep a list in your phone, on your refrigerator, or whatever tracking method works best for you.  

The important thing is to make sure you're moving forward, by one small step or leaps and bounds, and if you're headed in the wrong direction, to course correct as soon as possible. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.