Being with what is

My mom, Anelda, 1960s. 

I have come to a place of peace in my life, despite circumstances. Or maybe because of circumstances. While our current reality is hard in many ways, it's not the hardest thing I've ever done.

I come to this place honestly—this place of peace and mindfulness, of relative comfort with uncertainty. Today I feel like writing a bit about my journey because I'm sad today—knowing this is a place I occasionally visit but don't stay.

Today is Mother's Day. 

I write this today for anyone who's ever felt alone. For those whose mothers are gone, for those who didn't have a mother figure in their lives, or for those with no children of their own.  

My mother left this mortal plane 20 years ago next week on May 19. While she had been ill for several years, she was maintaining and doing OK. We were getting into a new groove, as she'd recently moved into assisted living. So when I returned home from a morning run and got the call, I felt like I'd run into a wall. Hard. Not yet, it's too soon. 

In hindsight, I am proud of my mother for living as long as she did, despite dying at 64. The youngest of four children, she was unplanned—an accident—and felt unwanted throughout her life. When her oldest sister died at 48, my grandmother was inconsolable. My mother was never the same; now, she was also the recipient of my grandmother's spite.  

Family matters...  

Still in my formative years, with my aunt and grandfather gone, we moved into the family home to care for my grandmother, who was paralyzed on her left side from a stroke. She graciously died three years later, and despite an end to the misery, I found myself unhappy and alone. With mom working every day, and no adults around, I went from a well-mannered, thoughtful kid, to a rebellious, self-destructive teenager.  

My mom was a single mom when it wasn't socially accepted; my dad died when I was two, and I didn't know his family. My dad was the love of my mom's life, and I'm not sure that sentiment was returned. (By the way, today would also have been his birthday.)

My grandfather, Ben.
(mid-1920/30?)

During those earliest years, there were many family gatherings—no siblings, but grandparents, aunts, uncles, great aunts and uncles, first cousins, cousins of cousins, and cousins once and twice removed. Holidays and harvests and many family funerals—funerals which resulted in fewer and fewer family gatherings. 

From abandonment to independence 

So my friends became my family, for better or worse. I attracted those on the same destructive path. We were a generation with absent parents, latch-key kids. Hindsight being a brilliant teacher, I see the impacts, from an abandonment mindset that impacted my early marriage, to later self-reliance and fierce independence. 

We are both always, and never, alone

So today I write for those who feel alone. I understand. I felt alone for much of my life. I was alone for much of my life. I even made sure I was alone, unconsciously pushing away anyone who cared—just in case they planned to leave.    

I rarely feel alone now because I have learned to be here for myself, above all else. Because in the end, I'm all I've got, and I'm here for me. I spent my single years building my resilience, learning to love and care for myself.   

Now, I'm fortunate to be with a man who chose to grow with me, even with a rocky (and long-distance) start. We, too, have an important date this month: 24 years together on May 18. This wasn't a given. A therapist once said our wounds recognized each other. The odds were against us—to come together in a healthy, interdependent relationship was not expected nor even anticipated. And yet, what we created will endure, because (with help) we learned to care for ourselves so we can care for each other. 

We learn from our mothers, intentionally or not

I still miss my mom. Always. We didn't have the easiest relationship, and yet, we grew to appreciate each other. She did what she was able to given the resources she had, which were few. Throughout it all, it was always just the two of us... me and mom. I know she loved me. 

Growing up, I wanted a mother I could be proud of, and I am. I'm proud because she found a way to survive despite it all. She offered words of wisdom that, while seeming less than adequate as a kid, now serve me well, like trusting my instincts and using my better judgment. From her, I also learned resilience and determination. A therapist once asked if I was angry at her. I'm not, although I am sometimes sad. But mostly, I feel gratitude and compassion.  

To honor her, today and any day, I take care of myself, including giving myself grace. Because I know she wanted me to have a good life.

I write this today because we are each on a journey, and we do this alone. Finding our place and being OK with "alone" is essential. No matter who we have, or don't have, in our lives, we have to show up for ourselves. 

Life is a continual journey to grow and learn. Pain is part of it. But through it all, we get better, stronger, and more fully human. The more we accept ourselves and our path, the easier it becomes to change our minds, our beliefs, our experience, and ultimately our lives. 

As my mother said so frequently, this too shall pass. 



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Convergence: the wise words of Death, and decade reflections

A stairway to... somewhere? 

"It gets under your skin, life..." said Death. "Speaking metaphorically, of course. It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another." 

This, from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, a twisted take on a Christmas story that I faithfully watch every year. 

Discworld is no Planet Earth, but BBC brings this other world into clear focus, and while entertaining, it also offers keen insights and intriguing perspective we can apply here, too, on our spinning round ball.  

A heartwarming tale, though the villain is truly villainous and not for the faint of heart, Death gets some of the best lines in the three-plus hours—worth considering as we close out both a year and a decade. 

"You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?" 

Some of the major themes I wrote about this year: create your future, the role of mindset, and the power of beliefs (conscious or not). 

We must believe: 1) in ourselves, 2) in our capabilities) 3) that we create based on what we want and not what we've done or what's necessarily true, 4) that we deserve our good, and 5) that the universe, or life force, or divine energy—whatever you want to call it—conspires for our highest and greatest good. 

It's important to note that we often get in our own way, usually without knowing it. It's those underlying beliefs that hold us back, the self-talk we don't notice or don't give credence to, and persistent patterns and habits that no longer support us. 

We can create the life we want. Sometimes we have to #dohardthings first, though, which usually includes a thorough self-audit, and there is this thing, I believe, called Divine Right Timing. Self-awareness is critical to growth and change. It requires deep reflection, soul-trembling honesty, and a willingness to let go of who we are for who we can be. 

"Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom?" 

Life is precious, and while I don't believe we should always be busy, always striving, nor always productive, I do believe curiosity is a superpower—one that consistently helps us grow and moves us forward. It's one of mine, and one I'm deeply grateful for. 

What do you wonder about? Are you curious about why you've made the choices you have? Are you curious enough to realize you've made choices your entire life, and the results of those choices are why you do what you do, live how you do, and determine who you have around you? What about the world-at-large fascinates or befuddles you? 

As far as we know, or at least as far as we can conceive consciously, we have this one life, and it's up to us to make it what we want it to be. We can live in ignorance and blame the world for our situations and be victims of our circumstances, but we'll perpetuate the life we're already living. It won't get better. We can 'create better problems', as author and blogger Mark Manson writes about. 

There are endless places and ideas to explore, things to try, entire libraries to delve into, new people who cross your path every day who have a different story than your own, and now, in our digital world, podcasts and new music to listen to, and encyclopedic volumes of information at our fingertips. I've mentioned my sociology professor before, who often said: See everyone as your guru of the moment. In other words, everyone has something to teach us, even when it isn't immediately apparent. 

What do you want to know more about? 

"There is always time for another last minute... there's no better present than a future... "

My birthday, the winter solstice, Christmas, and year-end all arrive within two weeks of each other. I take this convergence to mean it's a powerful time for me—a time to go deeper than usual, to reflect, assess what I've learned and what about the last year had meaning, and set intentions for creation and change in the, or my, new year. A Christmas birthday can be hard—I've had a lot of stories around it that aren't supportive... but shifting my thinking to one of convergence is how I've not just finally made peace with it—my initial thinking—but how it truly works in my favor. 

We can all do this, whether at year-end, around your birthday, or whenever it makes sense. But now, as we close out a decade, it can be helpful to take a look back as you think ahead. 

Could you have ever imagined, 10 years ago, where you'd be now? Whether you observe it / judge it to be good or bad, is this what you had in mind for your life?  

Ten years ago, I could barely see beyond what was immediately in front of me. Forrest and I had separated and didn't know if we'd be back together. I started a new job, and my first six months were rocky. I had a balloon payment due on my mortgage and had been out of work following a layoff when the 2008 recession hit, so even my home was at risk. 

While I had plenty of self-awareness and had been doing a lot of this work for a lot of my life, suddenly, nearly everything was in question. 

And, I was intentional. I got very clear when this all seemed to happen at once that something still wasn't working. I recognized I had beliefs and patterns and habits that kept me stuck, including that life was hard, I didn't believe I belonged here, and that I couldn't have what I wanted. 

So, with help, hard work, a lot of soul-searching and solitude, I changed all that. And here we are, at the end of one and the start of another decade. There are some outward similarities, but on the inside, I'm a different person. Just as much of our bodies regenerate every seven or so years, so too, have I regenerated my beliefs, my thinking, and my actions. 

That's a lot to celebrate. And it's important to acknowledge what we consider success. I can build on this as I look ahead to 2020, and the decade in front of me.   

No matter our condition, that we are living, breathing, evolving individuals all connected through an energetic system invisible to the eye, is nothing short of miraculous, considering the complexity of our very existence.

What do you want in these last minutes of this, our second decade of the 21st century? As Death so wisely stated, there's no better present than a future. How can you set the stage for an awesome 2020, and the next decade? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

When life takes a hard turn... can you fix it?

Talented gardeners, builders, creators

Imagine if you will... 

You live in an RV, parked on a city street, with few resources—no running water, no working toilet, no refrigeration or cooking facilities, and little money for food or propane for your stove or heater.

I know two people who fell on hard times and this is their current reality. I feel profound sadness for them and try to help by providing work when they ask, and a little bit extra. And maybe just as important, inviting them in for coffee and conversation, with some dignity and compassion on the side. 

I write this today because I can't get these two out of my mind, and today is Thanksgiving.

I truly believe that nobody should live in an RV or a tent, especially in one of the richest cities in the country. I don't understand why some who have power and means don't connect that caring for others means better care for all, including themselves. Basic health and financial support give those who are able the opportunity to contribute in meaningful ways, for them and us, enriching all of us. We also need better mental health and addiction policies and practices. 

So... now imagine if you will... how can anyone possibly turn circumstances like these around? 

Random vs choice

While randomness is real and bad stuff happens without reason and to people we label good or bad, we can make meaning out of anything.

In our favor, for those of sound mind and body, there's a philosophy that suggests if your life isn't working the way you want it to or think it should, you likely made a choice about what you believed you deserved, perhaps in early childhood. That choice wasn't conscious, because if it was, you'd probably make a different one. Maybe you made that choice because you suffered badly by another's hand, actions, or words. 

While this isn't true for all of us, it's true for a lot of us. Assuming it is, for you as you read this, my questions to you:

• Do you know that much of what you do, feel, think, and experience, is the result of a choice? 
• Do the choices you make improve your life and circumstances, or make them worse?

While other people's actions aren't your fault, as adults, we choose what we make it mean, and what we do about it. This is not victim shaming or blaming. It's a potential way forward. 

My experience, my belief 

Therapy helped me gain perspective on all this, which helped shift my outcomes. For much of my life, I believed I wasn't supposed to be here, that I didn't belong. Long story short: I didn't have a dad; he died right after I was born, signed paternity papers but met me just once. He and my mom weren't married, which was unpopular at that time. His mom and sister dismissed us; his brother was overseas. This and the loss of other caretakers early in my life left me with that deep but unrecognized belief. 

The impact

That belief, an unwitting choice, drove all my actions, including adopting other beliefs, like not being worthy, smart enough, nor capable enough. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places, all outside of myself. My teen years were precarious, full of bad choices, leading to some scary paths. 

Thankfully, I didn't get far along those paths, but I lost several friends to addiction, the streets, suicide. 

It's hard to internalize that our beliefs drive our choices, and our choices create our lives. Especially when we have no conscious access to what's below the surface of our thoughts and actions. But if we're tired of the life we're living, there are resources to help. 

Meet Kelly & Barry

Kelly takes care of my garden since my allergies prevent me from doing all that needs to be done. We met a few years ago through a neighborhood group. A self-described businesswoman, when we met she was in a vocational program to help others with addiction. She was close to receiving a certificate. 

Kelly's partner Barry gets odd jobs here and there. They're smart, capable, talented, and caring people who've struggled with their own addictions, and while clean and sober now, they had a recent relapse. 

A health crisis sidelined Kelly initially, and family helped her through it. But she hooked up with Barry, still unable to work, and then lost their subsidized housing. They rallied, did some manual labor, and earned enough money to buy a decrepit but out-of-the-elements RV.

On Sunday, we spent time talking as they prepped my yard for winter. Growing up, both had their share of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). 

How do you fix that? How do you reverse the cycle that's grounded in deeply buried beliefs? They deserve better. We know there are therapies that help, but typically require resources, ability, time, and an extraordinary and often difficult commitment. 

However...  

Barry said it: I know I'm responsible.

OK. Awareness is the first step toward change.

Kelly added: But without meeting that base layer of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when you're solely focused on survival, it's nearly impossible to move up the hierarchy.

Fair enough...

They offered to work for whatever I was willing to pay them, whether it was $20 a day or $20 an hour. My head screamed: Know your worth! Let's start there. 

They say they know they deserve better, but at their core, I know they don't believe it. They have dreams and desires, and truly, I believe, the capacity to achieve them—when they find a way to get out of their own way. 

Sound mind?

Addiction changes the brain and can impair cognitive and emotional ability, but generally, they're of sound mind (from my layman's perspective). I also know that depression is a serious issue, and Kelly mentioned a while ago that Barry is sometimes incapacitated by this. 

Having watched family on my maternal side suffer from depression, I've seen the impact up close. It's like being stuck in an abyss with no way out. And yet... it's not impossible. Help is out there.  

My own experience with depression gave me extraordinary empathy, as well as the knowledge that change can happen, and it's not a life sentence. I was lucky to have help. Both medical and therapeutic help, along with a better diet and exercise, gave me the leg up I needed to change my own beliefs. 

Dig deep and unearth those beliefs, diligently work on your mindset (stop, notice, redirect, or tell yourself, "there's no place for that language in here!), make better choices, have better problems. We can change our trajectory. Not so simple, but not impossible. Sometimes we can get there by working backwards: Make better choices, see the outcomes, mindset shifts, and eventually, we uncover beliefs. 

Leverage points

I wish I could do more for Kelly and Barry but it's not mine to do. I offer what I can, but I can't change them, their circumstances, their choices, or their minds. I believe in them, and know they're capable. I hope that maybe I'm at least a leverage point.  

This is probably a good time to acknowledge that those who have little also have fewer leverage points. It's hard to get a break. I think about my own privilege and how easy so many daily activities are, like eating, showering, even using the loo. Let alone the stuff I write about here. When you're living on the edge, it's extremely hard to climb up and out of your circumstances. And again, it's not impossible. 

The court of public opinion

On top of all that... Right now, what they face is a scathing public, a public that lumps all homeless people together, as addicts or lazy people who leech from the system. While mental illness is a huge part of the addiction, garbage, and public health problems in our homeless population, and while some do aim to buck the system, not everyone deserves these classifications. 

They are an 'other' and treated as such. There's a both/and here: mean-spirited neighbors throw garbage around RVs or tents and residents aim to keep them clean, while some encampment residents create their own filth due to mental health or active addiction. It's all a public health issue.  

Since housing is a challenge we can't seem to figure out, what if our tax dollars provided a safe and sanctioned place to park, with toilets, showers, and proper garbage disposal areas to better serve them and address public health concerns?  

I think it's on all of us to be aware of the complexity here, mind our own judgments, and do what we can, when or if we can, especially when we see an effort and willingness to make change.   

Our choices have consequences...

Our choices range from the most minuscule to life-changing. Some changes require a deep honesty with ourselves, a willingness to let go of who we are and what we believe, and some solid determination. We have to always ask if our choices line up with what we say we want. We have to imagine what better looks like.

My mantra from Ken Keyes' 12 Pathways comes to mind: I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up *emotionally* in what they need for their growth. 

As I told another friend, there are some journeys we must take on our own, and the journey inward is one of these. Even with help, only we can do that inner work.

Live your best life

So, if you're not living the life you want to live, how can you stop and hear your inner voice? Where do you need help? What small choice can you make today that may impact tomorrow's experience?  

It may be hard, but it's a way through. Pain is part of life but how long we suffer is on us. Both are thankfully impermanent.  

We're all here to learn and grow, and we often learn what's most important through pain. My hope for all of us would be that we learn through less suffering.

***

Update 12/3: On Sunday, Anderson Cooper did a story for 60 Minutes on homelessness—or, the 'unsheltered' as they were referred to—where Seattle is front and center. We apparently have the third-largest unsheltered population in the country. While it's mostly fair reporting and speaks to the root problem of unaffordable housing and the growing wage gap, it's not entirely representative. Cooper gets kudos, though. You can watch it here. 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes, hello determination

Can you see what's possible? 

"Don't smoke. It's bad for you." 

As a pint-sized, pig-tailed 8-year-old, I'd speak my mind to random strangers smoking in public, whether or not it was appropriate.  

Never mind my whole family smoked like chimneys, or that, in those days, everyone smoked, everywhere, and second-hand smoke wasn't a thought. 

Then in fifth grade, my Barbie-looking teacher added fuel to my fire when her doctor-husband came to class for a real-time experiment. We tested the effects of smoking with our vice principal; as he smoked a cigarette in class, we watched his blood pressure rise with each inhalation. We filled glass jars with smoke, and angel hair standing in for lung tissue immediately blackened. Preserved lungs drove the point home: healthy and pink vs ravaged by tar-and-nicotine. This affirmed my point.  

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes... 
If 'goody-two-shoes' is a new expression for you, here's a definition. 

So you'd think I'd never consider smoking, right? You'd be wrong... 

The summer between 6th and 7th grade, as I graduated from elementary to junior high school, I found a new set of friends. My caregivers were gone; grandparents were recently deceased, my mom worked full time. I had no one to be accountable to, nor anyone to notice what I was up to. 

It started simply enough. My girlfriends and I would steal cigarettes from our parents and then practice smoking in my basement or out bedroom windows. At first, I was dizzy and sick. But I was committed to cool, solidly determined to smoke, so each hit of nicotine became easier. Soon, I was a full-blown smoker. 

It wasn't long before I wasn't just a casual smoker. I liked to smoke, so I smoked a lot. Parties, drinking... more smoking. Maybe a few stimulants, and a lot of feeling awkward... more smoking.  

While always outspoken, as a teen I took that to new levels. I didn't like it if I couldn't smoke, and I lived by 'better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.' 

This lasted about 10 years. 

The stigma

Directionless and purposeless, I quit college for a boring admin job and then found myself suddenly back home when my roommate had an emotional breakdown. I wasn't happy, but I somehow had the presence of mind to know I needed a 'real' job, different than the crappy 'throwaway' jobs I'd had so far. One thing I knew for sure, I wasn't following family footsteps in any capacity.  

As I interviewed, I decided smoking wasn't cool anymore, and by smoking, I was just like my family. So I stopped, even though smoking was still common, and we still weren't talking about second-hand smoke. (An aside: Most of the men I noticed weren't smoking, either.) I saw people taking smoke breaks in front of office buildings; I didn't want to be one of them.    

Determination

Two weeks before starting my new job at a travel agency in the heart of downtown Seattle, I smoked my last cigarette. I had a plan; I ate a lot of carrots, skipped the bars for a weekend or two, went for a lot of walks, and took a lot of deep breaths.  

I can't say it was easy, but once I decided, I never looked back. Kinda like when I started...  

I still drank pretty heavily off and on and did some things I'm not proud of, but I never started smoking again. When I met my current partner, 20-some years ago, he smoked, so I played with fire and took the occasional hit. But I knew I didn't want to be a smoker again. I still had smoking dreams, and I'd wake up in a panic thinking I had to quit again, mad at myself, and then realize it was just a dream. 

New awareness 

Because I still had plenty of other bad behaviors and habits, I wasn't yet on a wellness path, but giving up cigarettes was a turning point. Suddenly a lot more mattered. And I saw what I was capable of. 

At some point, hindsight again being 20/20, I understood my penchant for smoking had less to do with addiction and more to do with my lack of self-confidence. Cigarettes were something I could hide behind.  

What I learned? 

I could do anything I set my mind to: from getting the job I wanted at the company I wanted to work for, to quitting something studies show is the hardest addiction to kick. 

It started with a decision, a lot of determination, and a vision of what's possible. Even though I still struggled with self-worth and continued to trip myself up in other ways, this one action set myself up for ongoing success. 

Now, I see I've achieve what I've set my mind to, and I have evidence that supports doing it again.  

While I have odds in my favor that some don't, I'm no better or stronger or more capable than anyone else. It's wanting something bad enough, envisioning the possibilities, believing in ourselves just enough to make it happen, and taking that next step.   


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

How to get out of your own way and achieve your dreams

Infinite possibilities

About ten years ago, I unearthed a belief I'd held all my life: I didn't belong here. I had no right to take up space.

You might wonder where that came from, or how I came to realize it. Or why it even matters. 

A little background

While I had reached a certain level of my definition of success, I never got where I wanted to go. I was undervalued at work, overlooked for better roles or promotions, didn't have the means to do the things that mattered most. I never sought the spotlight, and consequently got no rewards and limited recognition. I'd put myself out there just enough to improve my position, but every step was painful and hard. I gave everyone else more credit for being smarter, better, or more able to 'play the game'. 

This was behavior I arrived at to keep myself safe, and even though I'd do the "work" and spout affirmations, I continued to get in my own way. I felt it physically, in my chest and throat, like I was somehow stopped or trapped, and I didn't understand why. Because I was doing the work. 

What's underneath 

My dad died right after I was born and my parents weren't married—not acceptable at that point in our societal evolution. My father's mother and sister insisted I couldn't be his, and I didn't meet my dad's family until my early 20s after reaching out to them and asking if we were related (they said yes, thankfully). 

A 'goody-two-shoes' until I was 12, I did a 180 when I hit 13. I was the black sheep on my mom's side of my family before and after the 180 (each for different reasons). Throughout my childhood, my mom worked full-time, and many of my caretakers died during my formative years. My mom checked out emotionally and abdicated her role as a parent when my aunt died. I was 9. My grandfather died when I was 10, my grandmother at 12. 

I believed everyone who loved me left me. As an adult, my intellect told me they didn't leave because of me, but under the surface, my childhood internalization believed differently.  

I carried that belief beneath my awareness until 10 years ago. 

In high school, as mentioned in previous posts, while smart enough, I was the classic underachiever. Nobody cared. The ongoing message from teachers and other significant adults was that I'd never amount to anything. I was too much of a f*ck up. I was always in trouble, always looking for love, acceptance, and approval in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people. I had no appropriate role models. 

What I know now? I was ashamed. 

I carried the shame of being alive, of having no right to take up space, until 10 years ago.

There's no blame here

There's no blame here, nor do I regret my past or wish I could change it. I am who I am today because of my experiences and I am authentically grateful for all I've experienced, for where I am, and for what I have now.

And... you can bet I'm happy to say goodbye to those beliefs.

Ten years ago, my partner and I separated (a continuation of 'everyone that matters leaves me'). Thankfully, we both saw an amazing woman, separately, who guided us to understand how we got in our own way. 

I didn't know I carried that shame or had those beliefs. Beneath the surface, I felt unworthy and never good enough, even though I told myself this wasn't true. Whether I believed that or not, I can't say for sure. 

I knew these—and more—life events happened and were reason enough to have the not-good-enough not-worthy-enough beliefs. These are also common beliefs; most of us experience a version of them for part of our lives, if not all. 

But those weren't my core beliefs. There was more. That underlying, body-snatching, mind-numbing, deeply-buried but driving belief that I didn't belong here... that I had no right to take up space—these were new to me. And as soon as I saw them, I knew they were true. And they were cemented in shame.  

Why this matters

Unearthing these allowed me to see how I got in my own way, heal, and then change my circumstances for good. I still sometimes fight old patterns and behaviors; they were part of me for so long that they're deeply ingrained, and in many ways, they're still part of me. But now I can appreciate them; they're part of my shadow and give me perspective. I don't recall the last time I called myself stupid—a pattern I developed, likely learned, as a teen. Awareness is the critical first step to changing these. Now I take up space, ensure my voice is heard, and in turn, I make space for other unheard voices, too. 

Brené Brown, an expert on shame (I'm sure many of you have seen her TEDTalks on shame and vulnerability or read her books), gives this definition of shame in Dare to Lead:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame drives two tapes: 1) Not good enough, and 2) Who do you think you are? 

These beliefs keep us small. We stay in the background, don't reach for our dreams, get complacent, get comfortable with comfort. We don't take risks. We rarely achieve our potential or fully share our gifts with the world. As she notes, we put our armor on and ultimately, suffocate. 

We fear change. 
We fear risk. 
Instead, we do what we think 
keeps us safe and we 
die inside a little every day.

Shame is universal

Brown also notes that we all have shame. She gives examples: we feel ashamed when we're laid off (✔), get divorced (✔), are sexually harassed or abused (✔✔) (even though it's not our fault), or when we feel proud of something and then we're told it wasn't all that by someone whose opinion counts (✔✔✔✔...). Maybe it's just feeling disconnected, that we're unable to keep up with everything around us (✔). I'm sure you have your own examples. Sometimes, these embed themselves within us before we're even cognitively aware. 

Still not sure how or if shame shows up for you? Shame is often masked as perfectionism, blaming, and the isms (e.g., workaholism, alcoholism).

How to change your experience

First, be clear. Shame isn't guilt. Shame says we're bad; guilt says we did something bad. Brown writes, "the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy." 

The only way to release shame's hold on us is to recognize it and talk about it. To allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and look under the proverbial hood at what makes us tick. Love yourself enough to ask the hard questions and do the hard work because it's worth it: 

• Ask yourself what you believe about yourself at your core, and then ask what's underneath that. Keep asking. Be honest. 
• Look at your life events and ask what you made them mean about yourself.
• Ask whose opinion mattered more than your own, especially growing up, and whether you still believe those opinions.
• Look at your core values and make sure they're your own. 
• Think deeply about what matters most, and if you're not doing it, ask the questions again and again.

If you're not achieving what matters to you, however you define it, you may have an old belief still holding you back and getting in your way. It's worth getting a little dirty to see what might be lurking behind your awareness. You may want to work with a therapist or coach; that's what made the difference for me. 

Compassion is empathy's cousin. Be sure to be compassionate with yourself because this is hard work. And these beliefs aren't our fault. That said, we're now responsible. While I firmly believe we create our circumstances, these beliefs weren't in our conscious awareness and were adopted or learned based on the best information we had at the time. Now, with new awareness, we can let go and unlearn, and ultimately, we won't suffocate, we'll soar.  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

The fixings of possibility

A world of abundance

So many of us in the northern hemisphere are incredibly fortunate when we compare our lives to the world at large. But as the divide between rich and poor continues to increase, the wealth gap ever-widening, there are more of us who aren't so lucky. 

Here in the US, we have millions who live below the poverty line, and there are growing numbers of people who have nowhere to go at night other than an urban, unsanctioned, and makeshift campsite. This is all a giant shouldn't be and why those who have the power to enact policy to at least keep people fed and safe don't do that befuddles me beyond comprehension.  

Wise choices 

That said, we're all blessed to live in a time of inconceivable prosperity, although for many, there is no trickle-down. The majority who read this blog I assume live in a place where you can make choices that serve you, and you can course-correct when you make a bad decision. Peter Arnell, in his book Shift, wrote, "we can be our own aspiration." 

That's the stuff I write about most of the time. I love that we can choose a better life for ourselves with every decision we make. 

But it's important to remember that not everyone can—or at least, they don't know they can. We're all blessed with free-will, too, but even that's a non-starter for so many. If you can barely take care of your physiological and safety needs, it's highly unlikely you'll think about or maybe even know about the higher levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

Celebrate your gifts 

Danielle LaPorte, author of The Firestarter Sessions and other amazing books and resources, wrote on Instagram, "Can we be grateful for what we have when others are going without?" Yes, she says. Be modest and respect others, but celebrate all you're blessed with. 

She's right—because when we have more resources, we can do more, be more, share more. When we live into our potential, or lift ourselves up, we put that into the universal energy field and lift others up, too. 

We're grounded in belief

Yes, we all have the fixings of possibility (thanks to Liberte for the phrase). Even those who seemingly have nothing. But sadly, they don't know it, and may not have a way to find out. They haven't received a hand up and may rely on handouts, which feed their bodies but not their souls. As I view our growing homeless community, I wish I could help in a way that matters most—at that deep subterranean level where we know we have value.  

No matter where you live or what your experience, so much of what we have as adults is based on what we believe. No one spoke more eloquently and meaningfully about this than Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning, who spent years in a Nazi concentration camp.  

Those living in abject poverty may not know any other way. They may believe that's all they're worth. Many come from childhoods with countless 'adverse events' with no tools or resources to change. They may have never had a lucky break, a mentor, or an opportunity to see life from a different vantage point. Eric Butterworth, in Spiritual Economics, writes, "We have been erroneously conditioned to believe that our lives are completely shaped by what happens around us and to us. But life is lived from within-out. It's not what happens 'out there', but what we do or how we think about what happens."

What we believe can keep us in poverty, lonely, and unwell. It's for those reasons we owe it to ourselves and everyone else to use our freedom and privilege wisely and to do what we can to live from an abundant mindset. 

Know your worth

Those fixings of possibility? Know your worth, know you're part of something bigger, and carry with you at all times the mindset of abundance, gratitude, and generosity. Even if you don't feel privileged, if you live in the US, particularly in the Pacific Northwest, you likely benefit from some kind of privilege by the very fact you live where you do. 

When we acknowledge and accept this, we can make choices that contribute to a better world. We owe it to those who have less to make smart choices, to expand our capacity to be the best we can be, and to model the way for others. And, extend a helping hand in whatever way you can, in a way that's meaningful to you. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

We can't fight what we can't see

Daisies symbolize love,
beauty, and new beginnings.

There's a lot of unrest in the world right now, and this creates unrest within us, too. I'm not going to say much about the world at large here, as I aim to keep this largely apolitical, but I feel compelled to say something. 

The strife in the world is uncomfortable for many of us scary for more of us, and even dangerous for some of us. 

But I want to point out that much of what's happening in the world right now, particularly based on what people believe about the world and other people, isn't new. What's different is that those who hold beliefs about others based on ignorance and misinformation now have permission to vocalize and act on those beliefs in ways that are detrimental to individuals and the greater good. 

We can change the world

I am forever an optimist, and I believe that change is coming that will be better for all people. That said, it's likely to be painful; hell, it already is. 

Sadly, not everyone believes as I do, that "in our sameness we connect, in our differences we grow" (Virginia Satir, author, 'mother' of family therapy). Some feel very threatened by those who are different. 

But we can't change what's hidden, and with so much hate and anger now visible, we can fight it. We know what we're up against. 

For those of us who hold different beliefs, it's time to find what's ours to do. We must take a stand, speak up and speak out, and do what we can to create change. We have power, individually and collectively. 

Little things or big, it all counts

Sometimes all we can do is hold space, and that's OK. Energy matters. Putting compassionate, caring energy into the world has a profound ripple effect, so if that's all you can do, do that. 

If you can do more, do that. One singer / songwriter / friend holds "Pie and Persistence" house concerts, believing that backyard and living room gatherings with pie and music are where we connect, grow, and can make a difference. In just over two years, she's raised more than $20,000 for non-profits fighting the good fight. I've held two (and attended many more at homes all over the city): one for the National Resource Defense Council, another for Powerful Voices, an organization that supports girls of color to become leaders. I'll attest: these gatherings are powerful. 

Others are donating individually or volunteering. Many host birthday fundraisers on Facebook. Others are sharing their world views in ways that add to collective understanding and don't diminish other people. There is no shortage of opportunity to do something that matters. 

Our internal worlds are just as important

All this applies to our internal world, too. We can't change what we can't see. And to live a fulfilled, satisfying life, we must continue to learn, grow, and ultimately change. Ceasing to do so will literally kill us. 

That's why any kind of change means surfacing underlying beliefs that hold us back. Twelve-step programs require a moral inventory. Therapy and coaching require deep self-reflection. We must create awareness for those beliefs, behaviors, and mindsets that don't serve us. When we have this awareness, we can start living more mindful, conscious and empowered lives.  

What we do inside spreads outside 

When we start to live more consciously and authentically, we benefit the world at large. As we have more, we give more. As we feel happier, we spread happiness. When we do good for us, it's so much easier to do good for the world. As we have more energy, the world around us responds. Energy circulates.  

If you're not sure how to make a difference in our crazy universe, start with the two-feet in front of you and behind you. Take care of you in the best way you know how, do that deep work to find your highest and best self and remove beliefs that keep you small, and you'll be giving yourself and the world a huge gift. 

This may not be easy, but it's worth it, and definitely possible. We all deserve more joy, satisfaction, compassion, and forgiveness. 

Start with 'us'

The bottom line: to make the world a better place, whether our own individual worlds, or a much broader world, we must make visible that which is hidden. Start with you, me, us. Seek your internal truth. Give generously and often in any way you can. Don't be afraid of change. We must change. 

And eventually, love will win. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."

Indeed, it does... 


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.