Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Whose voice matters?

Whose voice do you give power to? 

When you have a decision to make, or you put yourself out there in some way, and you can't quite make the leap or get there on your own━maybe you're afraid to make a mistake, the unknown feels too risky, that you might look foolish, or you want some kind of approval or validationhow do you get clarity or find support?  Who do you go to for help? 

Many of us look to those we respect or care aboutfamily, friends, mentors, etc.but what if what they tell you doesn't ring true for you? What if you find yourself angry? What if you suddenly know they're wrong, and you're right? They probably mean well, but clearly, they didn't get it. They don't get "you" or what you want to undertake or achieve. 

Do you consider their input, take their advice, or just go for it anyway?  

"I hear the voices..."

Maybe you don't want anyone else's opinion... but there's still another voice that factors inthe ghosts of people and situations past. Those voices in our head (and not the "I hear the voices..." type) that influence our decisions: our parents, teachers, previous bosses, or a myriad of others who in some way influenced us or got under our skin (and into our psyches). These often evolve into our inner critic, the voice I sometimes call my "inner mean girl" when the voice tells me I'm an idiot, or that my ideas have no basis. 

These stem from something we heard or experienced in childhood━we took someone's opinion of us, a situation, or our ideas, and gave it meaning. We carry these 'stories' with us━usually always negative━unless we actively work to reprogram our self talk.  


It's all information... 

The voices of others, and those in our heads, can be looked at as information. We can choose whether or not to give them deeper meaning. They help us shape our thinking━we can decide if what they say makes sense, or if it doesn't fit with what we think or believe. 

Opinions are just that; if it's an informed opinion expressed by someone who's been where you want to go or done what you want to do, take what you need and leave the rest. So often, though, it's not informed, and in fact, may be ill-informed and have the potential to be detrimental to your decision-making. 

Too often I give the opinions of others or my own repetitive story far too much weightoutweighing my own innate wisdom, my inner intelligence, even my own knowledge.  


Check in with your insides... 


How do you know when it's not your own true voice, or if someone's opinion isn't in your best interest? Check in with your body. If the voice is in your head and not your gut. If the opinion causes self-doubt but doesn't feel true. If either makes you question your capability. 

What do you really want to do? Say? Think? Do that. I hear a clichéd, disingenuous "you do you" but really, that's exactly what you need to do. Do you. Listen to your heart, your guts. That's your soul talking. The part of you that has to live in this world and not regret your time here in the end. 

Sure, it's important to consider the impact of your actions on others and on real responsibilities, if there is, indeed, an impact, but that's not what this post is about.

The voices in your head or other's well-meaning opinions may help you make a more informed decision, but they're not the decider.  Only you know innately what's best for you. 

Do that. 

Your voice━your authentic, gut-level, inner-soul-knowingis the voice that matters. 




Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Time out

Time off, time out, downtime... these are all important for our health and well-being. And if we don't take time for ourselves voluntarily, our bodies will often let us know when we're overdue.

As mine has. 

Tybee Island, Georgia, looking toward dunes and the Atlantic
from just outside my perch on the beach house couch.  

Dammit... 

Ideally, being at the beach, after four days with family and barely able to talk with them, will help me kick this cold and laryngitis out of my body.

There's nothing quite like spending time near water, particularly the ocean. I can hear the surf as I sit and type this, across from double doors that open to the boardwalk pictured above.

Here are a few photos from the Georgia coast.  


Near St. Simons, GA

Who doesn't love a good oyster roast, 
with a bushel or more of oysters. 


Near St. Simons, GA

Sunset from Tybee Island, a ship off in the distance. 

Our beach house for a few days.

Bird life along a canal

Our door to the beach




Factor's Walk, downtown Savannah

On River Street, downtown Savannah

Factor's Walk, downtown Savannah

Forsyth Park Saturday farmers market

Back at Tybee

PFDs at AJ's Eatery on the back river, Tybee

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

6 tips to find your flow when you're not feeling it

We all have days when life feels harder than it should be. 

Every moment feels clunky, projects are full of fits and starts, nothing quite comes together. Frustration might be a little high, patience a little thin. Creativity is stymied. We're discontent--our bodies heavy, our minds unclear.

There's no flow. 

You know it doesn't have to be this way... isn't usually this way. You know what "being in the flow" feels like, and ... sigh ... wouldn't it be nice if you could be there now? 

The 1990 bestseller, Flow, describes it as optimal experience, a state of consciousness producing genuine satisfaction. It's not what happens to us that shapes our experience, but instead it's how we respond, or what we make it mean (the stories we tell ourselves). Flow underscores our happiness. When we're in flow, time disappears. When we're not, the clock barely moves and it feels like we'll never find flow again. But we will, and with attention, we can get it back sooner rather than later.  

Here are a few steps to make it happen.  

1) Notice it and name it. If you can, identify what's causing it. Are you sleep deprived, angry, irritated, worried, sad, depressed? Spinning over an issue? Unsure what action to take next? Think through all the possibilities and see what fits. 

2) Take several deep breaths. Notice your posture and what's going on in your body. Where are you holding tension? Are you slouching? Is your breathing shallow? If you journal, take a few minutes to do some stream-of-consciousness writing and see what shows up. 

3) Do something different. Give yourself a time-out, go for a walk, work out, or try "forest bathing" in a nearby park. Shift your perspective by shifting your attention and flood your body with oxygen and feel-good endorphins. The natural environment can be a quick fix.  

4) Say no. Is there something you're saying yes to where you'd be better served by saying no? We say yes when we mean no more often than we're aware of. It's an important part of self-care easily forgotten. There's no guilt in saying no. 

5) Remember what's most important. Let go of what isn't. Think about those you love, your dreams, an upcoming vacation, a favorite pet, or new shoes, if that's your jam. Are you holding on to a resentment? A slight? A judgment? If you're spinning on something--a comment said in passing, a misguided email, an unsolicited opinion--acting on it could do more harm than good, so let it go. Not everything requires--or deserves--a response. Sometimes it's just not worth it. 

6) Practice gratitude (it always comes back to gratitude). Be grateful for the experience, the sensations... because without one, there's no other. Without pain, there's no joy. Without hate, love would feel different. Maybe the no-flow is a disguised blessing, causing you to rethink or shift gears.   

A bonus tip: forgiveness. Sometimes we have to forgive others and ourselves for being human, for allowing ourselves to stay stuck in whatever's keeping us from our flow. It can take time to truly identify the cause, sit with it, and then finally be willing to let it go. If you're lucky, it may just be a function of time, and the need for a good night's sleep. 

Whatever it is, if all else fails, repeat my mother's mantra: This too shall pass. You know it will; it always does. Flow comes and goes, and there are lessons to be gained from everything. 

So, take a deep breath, slow down, reflect, and give yourself permission to start again later. 

You've got this. 


Tuesday, January 8, 2019

When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene
Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background
Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!



Tuesday, January 1, 2019

The answer is gratitude

Sombrio Beach, BC
A fresh start, a clean slate, a new year... Don't we all have high hopes for the year ahead when the clock strikes midnight and a new year begins?

I do. However, few of us have an easy time during the holidays, which largely culminate on New Year's Day. Family dynamics, our financial circumstances, our health, and so much more impact how we feel on this first day out. 

That's why it helps me to see this day as a continuation; while it is a new day, New Year's Day is, in reality, a 'next' day in a continuum. 

But today, as another day starts and this new year begins, I'm worried. Mindful that worry has power, I know feeling gratitude is key. And... 

Worry activates a future we don't want...

There's a lot of noise in the world, and there's little I can do about it. Yet, my worry list continually repeats the negatives from the inputs of the day: 
  • our currently precarious economy, a government shutdown, a potential wall and rampant isms
  • increased property crime in my 'hood, and how those tasked to protect and serve don't, won't, or can't
  • the hardships so many currently experience (and how my usual mantra, "I feel with loving compassion..." isn't appropriate for all circumstances right now)
  • what happens to others because of bias 
  • a seeming lack of kindness, consideration, and civility everywhere
I know worry doesn't serve me or the world. I can't project the future; I'm making assumptions and projecting. Imagining the worst.  

Why is it so hard to imagine the best???  

Socially, we're conditioned to imagine the worst, but it's deeper than that. Genetically, worry and fear saved us. Today, though, life is rarely life threatening (for those of us with privilege). (An aside: imagining is an important tool, however; read The Gift of Fear and The Unthinkable -- books I highly recommend to everyone.) 

Be intentional with your words

Words have power. They can guide us and help us stay on track. One approach I take is choosing an annual word to represent where I want to focus each year, and this helps me imagine the best. 

My word for 2016 was invest. And then, not long after the start of the year, I was laid off. Suddenly, investment looked very different than I initially intended, and I re-interpreted that word to invest in myself -- internal confidence, skill building, and building community. 

In 2017, my words were expansiveness and spaciousness, and I see how these played out, although again, differently than initially intended. I started two new jobs, took on new challenges, drove cross-country, built new networks, furthered community, shifted more limiting beliefs, and developed practices to support positive change. 

Vancouver Island
In 2018, my word was deliberate -- focusing on experiences, not 'stuff', learning my new job, and practicing self-care. I tracked my spending, and in most ways, spent less. I changed my diet, lost 12 pounds, and at the end of the year, my blood work was the best its been in years. I went to more concerts, saw more shows, spent more time with friends, and mostly stayed true to my focus and beliefs. 

Words are my framework; they motivate me, support me, re-engage me. I've made countless changes in my life in part because of using words deliberately, including creating a solid foundation with my partner. We have done the work, and we've landed in a good place, with a future we can look forward to.  

Now it's time to reap the rewards of that work. So I'm leaning toward manifest or fruition as my word(s) for 2019.

But first... gratitude. Gratitude is my keyword. It underpins everything else. It's at my essence and is essential for managing life's curve balls. Because we may not achieve everything we've planned for 2019; we still have challenges ahead and all those worries I mentioned. There's so much we can't control.  


Changing the dialogue...  

I believe consciousness is cause. I also believe we're all capable and creative. And it's up to me to direct my inner dialogue away from that which doesn't help. 

So, here goes. 2019 is the year I: 
  • deepen my belief that everything works for me, even if it doesn't always seem that way 
  • repair my relationship with money, making that work better for me, too
  • get my house in order, literally and figuratively
  • own my worth--not just know it, but own it, and accept nothing less
  • write more
  • ... and try harder to believe in miracles... 

I recently heard the questions, "What miracles would you love to experience this year? What would be an outrageous good and transform your world?" I'm going to ponder these for the next week or so and see what shows up. 

The key to manifesting miracles is gratitude. Living from gratitude makes our days look brighter and more seems possible. Add in grace, compassion, and forgiveness, and it's a mixture for deeper satisfaction.  

I don't want for anything--I have a warm, comfortable home, a loving partner who's a staunch companion, a good job with a steady paycheck, a satisfying social network, and I'm generally healthy in mind, body, and spirit. 

That's a lot to be grateful for. And for now, that's really all I need to focus on. Because with gratitude, all things are possible.