The distance we travel... from who we were to who we are

Looking ahead or looking behind, or
just noticing the reflection...? 

During a recent online coaching program, the facilitator assigned homework. We were asked to record a live two-minute video, owning up to and sharing the "worst" thing we've ever done. 

When I heard it, I thought... really? The worst thing?? Holy crap. Not doing that. However, from a brief stint in Al-Anon, I recall that owning our stuff and making amends is a big part of recovery, so I know exercises like these can be helpful and healing. 

So I took some time for self-reflection and paid a visit to my past.  

Looking back over many years, there was a lot of bad behavior, particularly during my teens. Transitioning from that goody-two-shoes I wrote about here, I had few boundaries and couldn't care less about consequences.  

However, from that teenage fog, I evolved into a searching, seeking young adult. It wasn't always easy; there were backslides... but I started to care about myself enough to make good decisions and take better care of myself. Perhaps the seeds my grandfather planted--justice, integrity, and gratitude--finally took root; they're now the core of who I am.  


Troubled years 

I spent many of those teen years looking for love in all the wrong places and numbing myself. I later learned about unconscious beliefs, and what mine were: I didn't belong here on this earthly plane; those I cared about would leave; if anything good came my way, it would be taken away, so why try, why bother... So for a long time, I didn't try, and I didn't bother. 

There's an adage: Hurt people hurt people. I mostly just hurt myself, but certainly, there was collateral damage along the way. I'm not proud of that, but it's because of who I was that I can be who I am today. 


Change is possible 

Somewhere along the way, there were leverage and inflection points. A roommate who had a mental health breakdown. A best friend lost to addiction. Breakups and losses, and some very hard lessons. Then, an introduction to metaphysics. A sociology professor who taught the Handbook to Higher Consciousness. And finally, a job that piqued my curiosity and launched a career, and a Canadian beau who changed my worldview. 

An important lesson: We don't do anything alone. 

I still have a bit of that rebellious teen within me. I also value freedom, adventure, authenticity, and autonomy. 


Looking ahead

There's no way I could have predicted when I was 20 who I would be at 30, nor at 30, who I'd be at 40, and so on. Whoever coined the phrase, "the days are long but the years are short" totally got it. Time slips and memories play tricks, and sometimes it seems that time literally vaporizes. 

With the onset of this new decade, I can't predict where I'll be in another 10 years, either. I know what I'd like my life to look like—but it's impossible to know what life lessons lay ahead of me, and what I'll make them mean. 

Imagining is a good exercise, though--where you'd like to be 10 years from now: who you'll have in your life, where you'll live, what work you'll do (or not), how much money you'll have, the places you'll go between now and then, the lifestyle you dream about. 

Imagining gives you something to strive for, and just like goals, you're more likely to get to the place you want to go if you can see it, feel it, embrace it.  


Worst thing ever? 

So what was my worst thing? Nope, not saying... I chose a couple from an interesting list, some of which previously required amends, to others and myself.  

I don't often revisit my past now because I previously did a lot of healing work. But sometimes it's good to look back again—if only to see how far we've come. The good news: we're never stuck. We can always become a better version of ourselves. We have the power to change. 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Ukelele happiness

While searching online for background music to accompany an affirmation I'm recording, the Somewhere over the Rainbow / What a Wonderful World medley by Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole popped up in the YouTube sidebar. 

I couldn't help but click and listen; it never fails to make me smile.

Recorded more than 25 years ago, this version of the song that made Judy Garland famous in the Wizard of Oz has brought joy to millions of listeners. Many stumbled across this long after Iz ventured over the rainbow in 1997 at just 38. While he accomplished so much more in his short life, he's most famous outside of his native Hawaii for this recording, which continued to grow in popularity long after his death. Now, that's a legacy!

It's never too late to consider your legacy 

While we can't all record a song that touches hearts across time, cultures, and geography, we all leave a legacy, intentional or not.

Contemplating that legacy is a good tool to take stock of where you are and where you're headed because it's never too late to shift gears. If you discover the direction you're headed in doesn't inspire you or in some way feel like you're on the right track, this is a great time to course-correct.

Think about what you want your life to look like, and notice if your work, relationships, and activities are aligned with what you want to ultimately experience, be known for, or leave behind. I know I have some work to do here, but it's not a one-time opportunity. If you miss the mark on one day, you can start over the next.

A baby step is still a step

What's important is to keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps, while they may feel frustrating, will still get you there, albeit much more slowly.

And if you need a quick lift, listen to this heartwarming classic and smile. Remember that we're all headed over the rainbow at some point, and it's what we do between now and then that counts.

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here.

Never too late--don't wait!

Right before Seattle's 2019
#Snowmaggedon

As long as you're breathing, it's highly likely there's still time—time to fulfill those bucket list dreams.

Whether you have a legacy to carve, a book to write, a trip to take, a mountain to climb, a new role to play, very little, certain physical limitations aside, is truly impossible. 

Some of our dreams may look a little different now, may require some alteration. But impossible? Only if you believe they are.  

What matters most? That's a question I ask myself a lot because it helps me stay on track. 

When you're 80 or 90 years old, in the winter of your life with more years behind you than ahead, what do you want to see when you look back at those years? 


What motivates you? 

Most bucket list items require a willingness to let go of what was for what could be. They typically aren't part of our day-to-day, so they probably require a little risk taking, a bit of stretching, a sidestep out of our comfort zones. 

But as we cross those items off our list, we're stronger, better, smarter. We never stop growing or learning... unless we choose to. 

I'm all about meaningful learning and development, adventure, and freedom. These drive me, move me to action, and make life worth living for me, whether I'm learning a new skill, reading about a moment in time or a bold new future, absorbing a culture, walking a city end-to-end, hiking a woodsy island trail, exploring an unfamiliar destination, or quelling my curiosity about people and their motivations...  

At work, doing the same thing again and again is a motivation killer. But I'm old enough now that I mentor more than I'm mentored, so it's up to me to create opportunities to learn and stay engaged.  

What kills your motivation? What stops you from moving through your bucket list? Are you waiting for someone to pave the way or show you how? 

Don't wait. 

Don't wait... I think that's the advice my older self would give my younger self. To quote Nike, just do it. 

You've probably seen many of these before, but I'm going to put them out there as a reminder: 

• Fans of Little House on the Prairie, a popular 70s TV show, may not be aware that the first of this series of books was published by author Laura Ingalls Wilder when she was 64, encouraged by her daughter to document her early pioneer years. Mom and I never missed this show when I was a kid. How tame it was by today's standards! We all have stories... and you have yours to tell. 
• Famous chef Julia Child didn't learn to cook until she was in her 30s, and didn't publish Mastering the Art of French Cooking until she was 49. She was 51 when her public television show, The French Chef, debuted. And she wasn't even French. 
• The king of fried chicken, Colonel Sanders, didn't start his franchise behemoth until much later in life—he developed his beloved recipe when he was well into his 60s. 
• The oldest person to climb Mt. Everest was retired Japanese schoolteacher, Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who was 71, and the oldest to summit Mt. Rainier, Bill Painter, did so when he was 81. 
• The world's oldest female body builder, Ernestine Shepherd, now in her 70s, didn't even start working out until she was 56. My uncle was a body builder in his 20s, but put that on hold until he started lifting in his 50s. Now in his late 80s, he only recently stopped competing... and winning in his age class. 

If we do it right, with age comes experience and with experience comes wisdom. We've learned from our failures and our fuck ups, our small wins and big wins. Second, third, or even fourth act careers are sometimes the most satisfying, according to those who made the leap and tell the tales. 

Some of the most interesting and successful entrepreneurs didn't have a background in their new business; they wanted to bake, teach, learn, sew, paint, code, serve others, or just had an idea they wanted to pursue. They found the resources, learned what they needed to know, and, likely a step at a time, made it happen.  

The next best advice I'd give my any-age self? Try something new. If it looks appealing, seems interesting, or fascinates in some fashion, try it. You've got little to lose and a lot to gain. If you need more incentive, search success after (pick an age) and you'll find an endless array of inspiration. 

So, what are you waiting for? What steps can you take today that move you through your list, or get you closer to fulfilling a dream? Get specific, and make it happen!  




If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching, which you can find out more about here. 

When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene

Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background

Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!

Fine tuning, not improving

The self-help and self-improvement industries rake in money hand over fist, but lately the conversation about "improving" ourselves seems to be shifting. Good. Let's stop. Helping ourselves? Sure. Improving? Not so much.

As a coach, I see my clients as whole, complete, creative, and resourceful, and in 'new thought' spiritual teachings, we're all perfect as we are. What we consider "imperfections" are those unique character traits that make us different and special.


So--what if we just need fine tuning? 


Honestly, there's nothing wrong with us. Not really. We're human, and we're all different.

That doesn't mean we can't improve or develop skills, become better versions of ourselves, that we don't have more to learn, or explore whatever we're intrigued by. But that's not us.

We may see others as having something wrong with them, because they think differently, do differently, or believe differently than we do. But that doesn't mean it's true. And it doesn't mean they need improving, no matter how much we disagree with them.

Improving implies the need to fix, 

and fixing implies that something's broken. 

Bones break (those can be fixed...). Parts of us break down. Sometimes we say "I'm broken" to emphasize a point. Our hearts break, our spirit breaks. But most of us aren't actually broken. Being in pain isn't broken; it's a very real and important part of living. There's always possibility for something to be different, even when it feels impossible and we can't see it. We may have a belief to let go of or an old story still dictating our behaviors, but to shift these, we reprogram, unlearn, or create, not fix.

Maybe it's years of being advertised to that's turned me off to the word improved, with the endless introduction of new and improved versions of almost anything on our large and small screens, on supermarket shelves, and in our online shopping carts. Or maybe it's the underlying message that if you're working to improve yourself, you're not good enough as you are.

We don't need to be fixed. 

And telling ourselves that we do, reinforced by the words self-improvement, isn't very helpful, whether it comes from inside our heads as self-talk or from somewhere else.

We may have a few cracks, perhaps, like Japanese pottery. If that's the case, let's add some figurative gold filigree, and be a different, more complex version of ourselves. Let it change us in ways that embolden us and make us even more unique. Perfect as it was; perfect as it is. Who says a perceived imperfection isn't really perfect? It's all perception, right?

Who defines perfect in your world? 

As Leonard Cohen sang, the cracks are where the light shines through. We need those cracks, those things that set us apart from anyone else. Those cracks are like our emotional fingerprints, and they make us interesting.

I, for one, am sick of "improving" myself, something I spent my younger years doing because I never felt good enough; I often felt less than. We all have "stuff" we can work on. But improvement is a self-defeating concept. Embrace your idiosyncrasies, gain mastery over those things you're passionate about, and shed the old crap that holds you back. That's not "improvement" unless you want to define it that way. But I think there's a better description. The need to improve feels like we're motivated by something outside of us, like something we should do, not something we do because we want to-- something that comes from within.

I believe, over time, we become more of who we are, and who we're meant to be...

Ancient Gravenstein, continually
evolving to be more of what it's
meant to be.

...and as we age, in particular, and grow in experience, we gain a deeper confidence and wisdom, which also brings the gift of self-acceptance, with our perfect imperfection.

As we step more firmly into our own shoes (in my case, some might say many pairs.... but that's an aside), love--and like--yourself as you are. That doesn't mean you won't have things you want to change. But become that "more of" version. Evolve your language and use words that make you feel good. Continually fine tune, grow, and adapt. This is what makes life's challenges, hurdles, and joys far more fascinating and easier to maneuver. 

How much more can we give the world if we feel good about who we already are? How much more exciting is it to focus on something we want to do, explore, or learn, rather than doing something to improve ourselves?

Let's be part of that shifting conversation.

6 things not to say to a job seeker

Breathing space... 

Chances are, you know someone who's looking for a job. Don't we all? Gone are the days when someone stays at a job long enough to retire. And while many leave by choice, countless more leave when companies reorganize, restructure or downsize.

That's where I am, along with 300+ of my former coworkers. Our layoff -- 10 percent across the board -- took place over the better part of a year, so we're all in different stages of looking for work. And some jobs are easier to find than others. Many areas in tech are in demand here in the northwest, so if that's your gig, you're likely golden. But for some of us in tighter fields, it takes longer. I thought I'd have a job by now, four months into this, and while I've landed some interviews, I haven't yet landed a job.

Well-meaning, misguided... 

So does that mean I'm a slacker? Not doing enough? Not willing to pursue any job? You'd think so, based on some of the questions I've been asked or comments I've heard, even though I know they're well-meaning. So for those of you who have friends, family or acquaintances looking for work, here are a few tips of what to say and not say.

1. You haven't found a job yet? Well, no. This question implies the job seeker isn't doing enough, or isn't doing something 'right.' Better might be, "How's the job search coming?" "Anything I can do?" 
2. Are there other things you could do... / ...can you do something else... / ...have you thought about...? Well, yes, and I am broadening my scope. But resumes must be targeted to posted job descriptions, and updating every resume to reflect a tweak in direction takes time. And while I am always open to ideas, and it's possible I haven't thought of yours (and I appreciate your perspective), likely, by this point, I have. If I appear weary, I apologize. 
3. Can't you just get any job for now? Well, no. It doesn't work that way anymore. There was a time where a job seeker could peruse the 'help wanted' ads, see something that looked interesting, say, "I could do that" -- and potentially go get that job. I suppose a version of that still happens now, although I suspect it's not that quick and would happen through a network, not an ad where the job is posted and the company is ready to hire. But it begs the question, is it worth it? If you need work because having money coming in is imperative at that exact moment, then yes. That may mean you're working holiday retail, and there's nothing wrong with that. But that said, because there's so much competition for jobs, companies tend to hire those with the experience they need now. It could take just as much effort to get the job you don't really want.  
4. Have you tried (company x, hottest company around). Well, yes. And so has everyone else. I am one of countless others vying for few positions. I am optimistic and realistic. 
5. It's harder to find work when you get to be a certain age / over x age. If I hear this one more time, I might poke my eyes out. Or theirs. Whether or not there's truth to the age-related myth for job seekers, I don't want to perpetuate that in my thinking or actions. I am still very employable, with great skills and ideas, good energy, and wisdom and experience that take time to acquire, like good judgment. Sure, there are a lot of great applicants younger than me, but we all bring something different to the workplace, and as I've stated in a previous post, there's room for all of us out there. 
6. Isn't it great to have time off? Well, kind of. Except it really isn't time off. There's an ever-present anxiety about finding work. I have more sleepless nights than not. All those questions above? If you think we don't ask ourselves those same questions, think again. At some point, they all wander through the internal dialogue. Yes, I'm able to go grocery shopping, run errands, work out or have coffee with friends in the middle of the day, but as we've all heard, finding a job is a full-time job. And looking for work typically takes a lot of energy and effort, which can be physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.  

Honestly, I want the right job, not just any job, so I aim to be strategic with my search. While the foundations of a search are the same (LinkedIn profile, resume, talk to people!), each of us has our own process we need to accept and honor. We spend a lot of time in our places of employment and finding the right culture and experience fit is essential. I don't want to find myself back in a job search within the next year because I settled. At least, not if I don't have to.

That's not to say I'm unwilling to stretch; I absolutely am. I do know I've succumbed unwittingly to the pattern: men apply when their skills match 30 percent of a job description; women apply with about an 80 percent match (these numbers may not be 100 percent accurate but they're close). Duly noted, and I'll work on this. 

Listen, empathize, connect

So if you want to help your job seeker friend / family member / acquaintance, here are some suggestions: 

• Listen and put on your empathy hat. If you haven't been in this position, you may not have a frame of reference, especially if you haven't been in this position in the last 10 or even five years. Much has changed for the job seeker. Don't judge if they haven't found work within what seems to you like a reasonable amount of time. Slackers are few and far between. Finding the right job takes time. 
• Offer contacts. Who do you know that might be helpful? We all know people who have jobs and work for companies of all types and sizes. Whether or not they're hiring, or in a position to hire, connections are what often land the job. While the 'hidden job market' is apparently a myth, having contacts in the right places at the right time can make the difference. The industry I work in is built around relationships. 
• Be mindful. Not everyone wants to work, or would be a good fit, for company x -- the one 'everyone' wants to work for. Don't be offended if the job seeker doesn't respond favorably to every suggestion or idea. However, if you know someone, or know someone who knows someone, conversations are always worth having. Make an introduction. 

A job seeker's work space

If you've heard other questions, comments or have suggestions to add, by all means please include them in the comments. 

Onward, to that next right job!

With gratitude, 

First impressions: Our whole, real selves

What if I showed up to an interview wearing my
favorite shoes, instead of shiny new pumps,
and we focused on the work that needed
to get done and how I could help? 

What if we could bring our whole, real selves to everything we do? There's a lot of chatter these days about bringing our whole selves to work. The separation of work and home required for so long seems to have finally gone the way of the double-breasted suit and pantyhose, at least in many workplaces. Couldn't happen soon enough!!

But what about interviews? I ask this as I navigate my job search. The process feels much like a game, and there are those who are better at playing than others. I think it's easier for extroverts, of which I no longer call myself. I straddle that introvert / extrovert fence now, and with each passing year, lean more heavily toward introvert. Better to observe, listen, assess, advise - those skills that make me good at what I do, but not as good at marketing myself.

I haven't been shy about stating this previously: I have long felt the corporate environment to be largely unhealthy. While I think that's changing (in some cases) as society changes -- people like me working inside the system for more humanity and authenticity, younger workers with different expectations of what work should be and do, technology revving up the pace of it all... Yet the world of interviewing hasn't changed much, except it's more competitive, and includes applicants and interviewers from all generations.

Here's the thing I'm unsettled by. I'm not just "iPhone smart" as an acquaintance put it. I am older, more experienced now, with creativity, energy and insights to spare, yet it seems as though many talented job seekers younger than me benefit from assumptions about age. Not that there hasn't always been bias in the workplace / hiring sphere...

Aacck... and, as I write (and rewrite) this, checking myself on my own biases and assumptions about getting hired.

By nature of our generations, we have different skillsets and mindsets. We have different experiences that shape who we are. And all generations have value in today's workplace. Generalizations based on generations and first impressions mean a lot of organizations miss out on great people -- whether they're hiring for youthful idealism or aging wisdom, maturity and experience. We've all heard the assumptions about generations X, Y, millennials and boomers, and sure, some are true, but that's only a piece of our story...

Call me a pragmatic idealist

At this point in my life, I carry my idealism couched in pragmatism. It means I have great ideas, yet the ability to be effective, follow through and make things happen. I don't think I fit the stereotypes. I'm savvy, smart, learn quickly and pay attention to how things are changing and where we're (collective we) headed. But how many hiring managers get a sense of this through the current interview process?

My point about bringing our whole selves to everything we do is about our energy and true contribution. Had I worn those shoes pictured above, with the outfit I had on, my energy at a recent interview would have been entirely different. 

Mind you, I'm not suggesting we wear workout gear and flip flops to interviews. Unless it's a job that requires yoga pants -- and some do.  And I'll admit that seeing a stylist, having my make-up done, and shopping for some 'interview-worthy' outfits to 'feel more fresh and vibrant' has made the process a little bit more fun. But if that's how I'm going to be judged (because what does a hiring manager do if not judge; first impressions count!), it's disappointing.

What if rather than a guessing game, hiring managers shared the details of their culture even before meeting you, told you about the problems they're experiencing and need solving (I've yet to see a job posting that really does this), expected you to come as you are (just as they show up to interview you ... as they are), and clarified their needs and expectations right up front, rather than waiting for you to ask those 'questions that show you're interested' at the end of every interview? What if the process was a conversation about getting work done? An exchange of ideas to see how you'd really work together? The physical and creative energy in that setting would be so much more powerful.

To date, I feel like I'm preparing for finals without knowing more than a few generic questions. I am a storyteller of other people's stories; pre-canned 'accomplishment statements' to shout out my successes make me cringe.

All that said, attitude is everything. Confidence, competence, resilience... I have these in spades, and this process continues to build more. And I know when the right place and I find each other, none of the above will matter (except the shoes). We'll have a conversation, we'll all see the benefits, and everything will fall into place. Because that's how it works.

Onward.

Are you listening?

I awoke the other morning with a booming voice -- not mine -- in my head:

"Are you listening to me?" 

Good question. 

Hmmm... 

... listening now. 

Breathing. 

I have been busy being busy. I have been doing, not being. Trying to fill the space, the void. Not listening. It all feels important, and likely is, at least somewhat. And my job right now is, in part, to listen. To pay attention. That's where the good stuff resides. 

Ambiguity. That's where I need to be right now. Clarity will come if I let it. I don't want the same, I want what's next, what's better. Dream. Create. Expand. 

Onward.  

There's something to be said for scrappy and street smart

I'm definitely not a Pollyanna. I learned a lot the hard way. But early on, I developed the skills to do that. Given where I could be right now, I'm grateful to be where I actually am.

I'm right where I should be. Are you? 

I find the Pollyanna's of the world hard to be around. The naivete irritates me. Perhaps it's because I once wished I had an easier upbringing. Perhaps it's because I didn't.

I often lament my earlier years, say, from 12 onward. The years prior to that are all pretty blurry and largely remembered thanks to photos. I've said from the outside looking in, they look pretty good but reality isn't always as it seems.

But from 12 on, things got interesting. My history teacher, Mr. Kimball, once told me I wouldn't amount to anything (although he also said something about wasting my intelligence, so I guess he thought I was smart). Because of my loud mouth and feisty spirit (to be kind to myself), he suggested I join the debate team, but I wasn't interested.

My years in junior and high school were tough, during a tough time. Nearing the end of the cold war... Busing... Post-60s freedoms and all the confusions that went with them, especially for women...

Some of my school mates and I were wont to say after graduation, which I managed albeit barely, "We went to Handle-It School - we can handle anything." Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Maybe...

Some of those early friends are doing well now. Some of my closest friends really aren't... or weren't, as they departed this mortal coil. But a tough beginning doesn't mean there's no hope or possibility. Sometimes it's a great foundation from which to build upon.

Hope, possibility, opportunity

My former step-daughter had a rough beginning. I worried a lot when she came to live with us. But now, she travels the world for work, is happily married, and often lives abroad. From the outside in, she has a good life.

When I left what I consider to be my first "real" job (as in, the start to a career rather than just a job), my boss wrote in my recommendation that I combined intellect with street smarts. I wasn't sure what to make of that, but I get it now. It took a while.

Me, December, 2014, Golden Gardens Park, Seattle

Being scrappy and street smart makes me a pretty decent human being, with skills to solve problems, contribute to a meaningful discussion, compromise, and get results. I "get" people and know how to maneuver in the world. I'm pragmatic, a realist, even while holding a lot of ideals about how I think things should be.

There's gold in them thar hills... (or, my 

guess is we're all in the right place, right now). 

If we can find the gold in the hands we're dealt, even if we're playing Cards Against Humanity, we can create something special toward a greater, better world.

Empathy: Been there, done that

Empathy seems to be a trend these days. Don't get me wrong; by calling it out as a trend, I'm not dissing the importance of figuratively walking in another's shoes.

As a kid, I celebrated the Pagan May Day by anonymously giving baskets of
flowers to my elderly, and in some cases, incapacitated, neighbors. I give my
grandfather credit for fostering my early ability to feel empathy.

Empathy is one of my most treasured values, and I came by it honestly - I've been there, done that in a whole lot of circumstances, and benefited from some very hard lessons.

Lately, though, I'm hearing about empathy in unlikely places, particularly in a business environment. Marketing especially seems to have co-opted empathy (as they do any value worth its salt, really). I don't think this is bad; I think it's largely been missing despite lip service about caring about and understanding the customer.

I'm also hearing the word authenticity a lot more. Maybe it's because it's also on my radar; being my authentic self has become more important than ever and was a big part of my coach training program.

The thing with empathy is that it can't be faked well. Speaking of lip service, empathy is just that without authenticity. It certainly isn't sympathy. I don't want anyone's sympathy. But I damn sure want to feel empathy when I need it.

Truth... Trust... Actions do 

speak louder than words. 

Body language. Facial expressions. Tone. Inflection. Each says something, and adds meaning to your words.

How do you show up? How do you want to be seen? Understood? Are you willing to understand?

I'm also hearing more about how we're collectively experiencing an empathy deficit. This shows up in many ways, including hate speech, bullying, racial profiling, gender bashing, the list goes on. Immigration, gay marriage, women's rights - these are in the news, everyday, and here we are in 2014. What did Shakespeare say? The play is the same, only the characters change? We've made progress, true. Yet this isn't new; there's just a new(er) term for it. There are and always have been factions of insular, small-minded people, everywhere.

I'm all for fostering ways to bring more empathy into the world. If marketing helps us get there, well, whatever it takes. The more life we experience, the more ups, downs, failures, challenges we face, if we learn from them and don't become bitter, we can be empathetic. We can walk in those other proverbial shoes. We can make a difference for each other - and ultimately ourselves.

Seek first to understand...