Of podcasts, passion, and courage

The smart Steller's Jay knows where his
peanuts come from. He's a quick study. 

In today's world, we have endless ways to learn. And many of these are low cost if not free. What's not to love about that?

Online 'universities' like Udemy and Coursera offer a bevy of subjects taught by smart people, usually professionals in a given field. TEDTalks, including their TEDx offshoot, are largely fantastic. Audio books make traditional studying easier to do anywhere. Blogs and podcasts have exploded over the last several years—and there's absolutely nothing you can't find on YouTube, no matter how big or small a topic.

Finding time

Hard to see, but traffic here
is backed up a good mile;
nothing but taillights ahead.

My problem is largely how to choose and making time. Ambitiously, I purchased a handful of Udemy courses for $9.99 each. I haven't yet finished one, but I enjoy the few I've started and they add to my body of knowledge. Thankfully, once purchased, they're yours forever, which is both a blessing and a curse, as I know deadlines are often the driver to get something done.

I'm a new convert to podcasts. Not sure what took me so long, but they make congested commutes much more tolerable, even something to look forward to.

A clue about your passion

However, now that I jumped into that ring, the dilemma is choosing which podcast to listen to. So, as with anything else, I looked for shows that focus on human potential, health, and well-being, those topics that continually fascinate me—which, by the way, is a clue if you're still trying to assess what you're passionate about. What calls you? What do you listen to? What subjects captivate you in books or magazines, or even on TV?

My first podcast was Ryan Niddel's 15 Minutes to Freedom, and when he shifted to his current Optimized Life Show, I followed. (Recommended, and mentioned in previous posts.)

But now with just a few episodes behind me, I'm also hooked on Broken Brain with Dhru Purohit. These are a commitment at nearly an hour-and-a-half per episode.

A visceral response 

An offshoot from the television docu-series Broken Brain, the podcast tackles a wide net of issues related to health, brain health, and all things connecting mind, body, spirit. Recently, in podcast #67, host Purohit interviewed Alex Banayan, the 20-something author of The Third Door, an idea that came to him during his first year of college when he realized he was pursuing his family's dream and not his own.

Banayan was prepping for med school and studying for finals when he had a visceral response to his career path—that big "no, can't do it" kind of visceral response. So instead of studying for finals, he pulled an all-nighter to learn how to hack the game show The Price is Right... and clearly, something was conspiring for his highest and greatest good because not only did he land on the show right away, he won a sailboat, which he sold to fund his writing project.

Dreams come true... with committed, consistent effort 

And now we're all better for it. Over seven years, Banayan inteviewed some of the world's most 'successful' people to learn their 'secrets' to success. A few key takeaways from his story:

• Dreams are worth pursuing. 
• Miracles really can and do happen, but you have to participate. 
• You don't have to know how to get to where you're going. You just have to take the first step, and then the next step. 
• Action is required.
• Your biggest cheerleaders may not be those who know you best; in fact, they may be naysayers. Be careful and mindful who you share your dreams with. 
• Doors are often opened by loose connections, people who don't know you well. 
• We move forward through courage, not fearlessness. There's a big difference. 
• Don't give up. 
• You must know your why... and it has to be bigger than just you. 

Banayan named his own fear "The Flinch"—that feeling he got when his stomach knotted up and nearly stopped him. That fear keeps us from taking risks, from entering into the unknown and the uncomfortable. A way through, however, is knowing why you're doing what you're doing. That bigger why for him was realizing that other people were as curious as he was; it was his curiosity that pulled him toward his project, but it was the idea of helping others that kept him going. He said if what you're doing is for you alone, you have every reason on the planet to stop doing it, especially when it's hard or uncomfortable.

Fearlessness vs courage

Fearlessness is when you don't think about the consequences. Courage is knowing the risks, mitigating what you can, and then doing it anyway, despite that vice grip around your stomach. 

Most of us get stopped when the going gets hard. But we have to do hard things. It's the only way to realize our dreams. It's great to believe in fairytale endings, but the reality is we must do the work. It's from the other side of those challenges that we feel the most proud, where our best stories come from, and ultimately, lead us to the life we actually want, rather than just what we get. 

Find your tribe

Find those people who believe in you. Look outside of your known social circles and connect, connect, connect until you find those you resonate with. They will open doors for you. 

Ideally, give what you can in whatever way you can, be it a compliment, a kindness, a task, or a donation—not because you want something, but because it's the right thing to do. 

Take risks, even small ones. Keep going. And know what lights you up, even if you don't know how to get it. Then trust it's in the works, Take the step in front of you, and if it's hard, do it anyway.  

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene

Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background

Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!

Toolkit for living: gratitude and forgiveness

It's Thanksgiving week, and while in some ways it seems like the world is falling apart, there's much to be thankful for in my small piece of it. I often hear, you create what you focus on. If indeed that's true, it bodes well for all of us to focus on what's working, and what we want more of, although sometimes that's easier said than done.  


We have no blueprint for living...

...just good tools.

No matter how well we plan, or how clear our goals, we still just make it up, each one of us, every day. I have no doubt we all aim to do the best we can, and we make the best of the circumstances that shape and change us. Each day presents a new opportunity to start again.

Some schools of thought say we ask for these experiences before we take our mortal form, that we choose our families and the lessons we want to learn. Others say we're not given more than we can handle, or that it's the painful experiences from which we build more character. Still others say we create our circumstances, that everything we experience comes from our choices, even when those choices are unconscious.

We create what we focus on. 

While 'creating what we focus on' is not completely straightforward, good tools can make a difference. They help us get past those unconscious beliefs that direct our choices, or move us beyond our challenges.

Today I'm fretting because I don't always live up to my own moral code, although I do my best every day. Today, I regret a minor violation of integrity, one of my essential values. So, while I owned my stuff and 'fessed up, I am still spinning and beating myself up, temporarily forgetting all the good in my world.

This isn't what I want to focus on. So, how to move on? I have tools, new tools, that are better than my old tools to help me get off the hamster wheel in my head, and again focus on the good. I'm sharing them here so maybe they'll help you, too.


Gratitude

Writing a gratitude list has been a daily practice for some years now, but thanks to a class I'm taking, I've learned another way. I now have a 'gratitude partner', someone with whom I  exchange messages about all I'm grateful for each day. This is different than the journal entries I'm used to making, where I acknowledge just the good. This list includes anything that came up that had power or emotion around it. I reframe mine to see the lesson, but you don't have to. Just owning your experience and being grateful is enough.

Today I'm grateful for the awareness that my behavior, while unintentional, was less than stellar, and that I can do things differently in the future. 

The only rules: write what's meaningful, don't respond, just read and witness. This is really powerful and I invite you to try it.


Bless, Forgive, Release


My inner mean girl is much harder on me than anyone else. A recent workshop provided this new tool for letting go. So now, when that damned wheel in my head goes on overdrive and I'm berating myself, or if I feel angry, resentful, or frustrated with someone and I continue to spin,  I can say:

I bless you, I forgive you, I release you. 

Depending on the issue or the person, I may say it once, or a thousand times a day for weeks at a time. Say it anytime the feeling comes up until it weakens and dissipates. While it's always felt odd to me to say I bless something, because, well, who am I to bless anything... but why not? Especially if it works.

These are just two of my new tools for living, and in the short time I've used them, they've already made a difference.

Our greater good...  

These tools can and do apply to what's happening in our wider world. Those of us in the US who feel like things couldn't be worse, politically, have a lot of work to do in the years ahead, and we have to be clear headed and effective. Right now we're a nation divided, and we aren't looking for common ground. It feels too painful, too personal. And on some levels, it is personal. But this fight isn't just ours, individually. There are many of us, now more than ever, united in what we believe is right and just.

So what do we focus on? 

Anger and fear can be motivating, but they can also eat us alive from the inside out. I don't want to live in fear, nor always come from anger. I don't know if I can ever understand those who are so politically different, who spew rhetoric so hateful I feel physically ill, but I have to focus on where I can make a difference and what I can do, rather than what I can't. I have to trust that in the big scheme of things, we'll find a silver lining. We can't change what we can't see, and now, nothing is hidden. Perhaps it's some crazy blessing that we'll only understand in hindsight. Something I do know? Good prevails. Maybe not immediately. But always.

Truly, there's a lot to be thankful for. With gratitude and forgiveness, the impossible somehow becomes possible.

Credit for these new tools goes to Amazing Grace, a Center for Spiritual Living affiliate.