Grace required: the end of this pandemic winter

Outside, the birds are singing and the plants are budding. 

As we say goodbye to winter and embrace the scents, sounds, and sights of spring, there's light at the end of this pandemic tunnel. Here in the northwest corner of these "united" states, the days are longer, it's light later, and on the horizon is a vaccine for everyone who wants one, even though the rollout—for some of us—is excruciatingly slow.  

Experience shared, but different 

What that means is that many of us are still hunkered down, tucked in at home, keeping ourselves and others safe, with some semblance of a meaningful life, while some venture out more safely. Some of us are exhausted, some are traumatized, some assess their risks and do what they must to stay sane, while the truly introverted relish the quiet and lowered expectations. 

When we finally put this year-long pandemic winter to bed, such as there will be an end, we will have some form of collective PTSD. While many of us have experienced trauma previously, none of us have experienced trauma together, so broadly, collectively; in this case, myriad losses, challenges, and major life changes due to a pandemic.  

Grace, required.  

To expect normalcy now and in the future is expecting too much. And while "normal" has a nice ring to it after what has seemed abnormal for so long now, an important question to ask is, "What do I want now?" Were the 'before times' all that or is there a better tomorrow ahead? 

While we are, generally speaking, a resilient and capable society, priding ourselves on productivity, we'll need time to reflect, regroup, and assign meaning to this experience. We must re-evaluate our expectations, and while I believe the last year had all of us assessing meaning and priorities, this may look different as we step back into "real" life. 

As we emerge, much has changed. Some of our favorite places are gone. Our habits have likely changed, both good and bad. And we may have lost friends or family, whether to the virus, other health conditions, or to personal beliefs we learned were too different from our own. 

Some of us are already working through this, but others will need more time because what's true for many is that dreams were paused, goals revised, priorities re-evaluated. To borrow from my corporate life, what do you want to stop, start, or keep? 

Personally, I feel like I'm coming out of a long hibernation, an endless winter with few interactions. I'm still head down, working deadline-to-deadline, staying home, staying safe until it's my turn for a vaccine, but hope is in the air and not far away. But as I shake off the dregs of winter, I'm thinking about what's next. 

I hope you'll give yourself grace to be, do, and feel different for a while. Take this time as we emerge to learn and experience the world a little more personally, more mindfully. Remember, your point of power is in *this* moment. 

What do you want to take away from this year of change?  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Start 2020 with a strong foundation: 3 practices

Peace lily

On a recent stormy morning, Sam Harris guided me in the Buddhist practice of loving-kindness. Each day, the Waking Up 50-day course offers a different style or approach to meditation. Loving-kindness isn't new to me but I don't use it much... and then I had an a-ha moment.

Why NOT practice loving-kindness? Not as part of my morning meditation, but... Every. Single. Day. All. Day. When I'm out in the world, at work, in traffic, with friends... why not just wish everyone I encounter happiness, wellness, safety, and peace?

I typically start my year with gratitude—it's at the core of everything else—but this feels like it needs to be at the core, too. I want to make this a new habit.   

A quick note: My new year planning starts in late December (birthday/solstice weekend), but how I want my year to unfold, what I want to create, how I want to feel, and what intentions I'll set fall into place over about a month. It's OK to take time with this. It's your life!  

Here are three practices you can try, too. 

1) Loving-kindness

The loving-kindness practice, or 'metta meditation', starts with us: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease—essentially putting on our own oxygen mask before we care for others.

But my new a-ha was... why not do this for others, at any time, in any circumstance? I do my

The traveling Buddha
in my garden

morning meditation and listen to an affirmation I recorded, so I already start my day with self-care. How would my day be different if I adopted this mindset all day every day, every time I feel frustrated or defeated at work, or when I feel triggered by a situation? 

This seems like a great way to smile more, too, which author and entrepreneur Dean Graziosi says decreases stress. A smile tells your subconscious you're happy, even if you weren't just a minute before. And if you radiate positivity, he says, you attract similar people into your life. Who knew smiling was a success habit, and who doesn't want more positive people and experiences in our lives?

What if I practiced loving-kindness with a smile on my face? How powerful would that be?

2) Forgiveness

To have any kind of peace, we must forgive others... and we must also forgive ourselves. Both of these acts benefit us in countless ways. And while we must forgive someone else for any harm they cause, two things: it doesn't mean we forget or condone, and we do this for ourselves as much if not more than we do it for them. 

This practice is an essential part of our healing and self-care toolkit; it allows us to be free of the past, let go of suffering and resentments, and move toward the life we want with self-compassion.

It's often easier to forgive someone else than ourselves, especially for what we think. We've all hurt someone at some point, usually unintentionally, but who reading this hasn't experienced being your own worst enemy, flogging yourself far worse than anyone else would for indiscretions and mistakes? One critical step to changing this habit and moving on is forgiveness.

A daily forgiveness practice can be simple. I include mine in an affirmation I recorded that I listen to each morning and evening, but even just a statement to yourself in the mirror each day, or catching yourself beating yourself up, may be enough. And... perhaps combine it with your new loving-kindness practice... Just sayin'... You can also say or listen to the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono chant: I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. I can't explain it, but this has power. Listen to Carrie Grossman's version here. 

Without forgiveness, true peace-of-mind will always be elusive. Jack Kornfield has far better words than I do about the practice and its importance. If you haven't spent any time doing this work, I encourage you to read his book, The Art of Forgiveness, Loving-Kindness, and Peace, since it's not for the faint of heart if you're just beginning.

3) And yes, gratitude 

Anyone who's read anything on this blog knows that gratitude underpins everything else for me. I am nothing if not grateful for all of my life experiences, even the painful ones, for everything I have, and for all that's yet to be.

This is the one practice I encourage everyone to adopt, as it immediately makes life better. Where focus goes, energy flows. However you do it... whether you jot a daily journal entry, send a message to a gratitude partner as I do, or put a note in your phone. Something to consider, if you don't use a journal for other types of writing: physically handwriting sends a message to your brain and further enhances neuroplasticity, creating new pathways for good. Acknowledge what you have, even if you don't have much, and attract more of what fulfills you. 

A friend gave me some 'pocket affirmation' cards for my birthday. I wasn't feeling particularly grateful earlier today, so I pulled one. Here's my message: I am proud of myself. I take the time to celebrate how far I've come, even if I'm not yet where I want to be. This couldn't have been more fitting as I lamented my current work frustrations. Which is exactly what this recent Forbes article about gratitude speaks to... we just never know where we'll find our lessons. I'm not where I want to be, but I am extraordinarily grateful for where I am. As I have said many times, my life could have been so different, and more than likely not in a good way. 

There's wisdom everywhere if we're open to receiving it.

Why it matters 

Of course, there are goals to set and lists to make and tasks to start to get the year rolling along, but putting mindfulness practices like these—along with meditation and/or journaling—in place right out of that proverbial gate provides a solid foundation from which to achieve everything else that, after 365 days, will deem the year a success.

Gratitude and forgiveness are my foundation, but I'm eager to see how adding a loving-kindness practice will add to my day—and my year. 

The world needs more kindness, empathy, and compassion, and these further that ideal. As we embrace and embody these practices, we also attract those who share that desire, which then makes our own lives better, too.  

Outside of goal or resolution setting, do you have any practices you do consistently at the start of each year? What do you do that helps to ensure success?


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

What to do when you don't know what to do

As we begin the close-out of another year, there's no shortage of things that must be done. There's an urgency in the air, no matter how few obligations you actually have. That's true for me, at least, with no parents or children (other than my "little" through Big Sisters) that come with requirements.  

And still, year-end to-do lists are lengthy. There are still presents to make, purchase, wrap, package, give, or mail; cards and notes to write and send; holiday parties and people to see; goals and intentions to revisit or finish; year-end work projects, reports, and expenses to submit; and of course, prepping for the weather as winter officially arrives. 

Too-long to-do lists can be paralyzing. Even when it's self-generated. 

Do one thing... 

I occasionally read Marc and Angel Hack Life, a blog with over 100k followers, who advise their readers and clients when they're in this place to do just one thing: wash their dishes. 

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, it's much easier to prioritize and see what's next. 

One go-to tactic is putting away clutter. Anything not in its rightful place gets put where it needs to be--hanging up coats, neatly stacking overflowing books and magazines... this is especially necessary if you live in a small space. 

Another tactic: keep a paper shopping bag tucked away for unwanted items to take to a charity shop or in some other way rehome. 

Bigger projects, or space to dream 

When we do our dishes and put away clutter, we make space in our heads. An uncluttered mind creates space for new ideas, projects, or just regenerating. Perhaps there's a side hustle you want to launch? 

Without the distractions of clutter and mess, your goals, dreams, and ideals have more room to flourish. 

As we approach the end of another year, it's the perfect time to reflect. What no longer fits, literally and figuratively? What no longer supports you, your goals, or your dreams? Hindsight is a great teacher: look back at the year and see what worked, what didn't, when you were thriving, when you were learning, and what you were doing. Everything is information, and we have to allow ourselves to process and access it. 

Here's a helpful exercise: 

• take a piece of paper, fold it in thirds
• write in the first column something you remember about the year that had meaning for you
• write in the second column why it had meaning and what you learned
• write in the third column what about that want or don't want to take into the new year with you. 

Let that guide you as you set goals or intentions for the coming year. 

Start with your dishes. Then take the next step. 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Thank you

Autumn glory

On this Thanksgiving eve, with just a month of posts to go to achieve my goal of one post a week for a year, I'm grateful to all who read this blog, for your encouraging feedback, and for all I've learned this year through writing.

Having had a gratitude practice for many years, I recognize it's one of the most important things I do for myself. Over the last year, I also had the good fortune to witness what gratitude looks like from a position of leadership when it's authentic and coupled with humility. It's transformational.

Through a number of experiences this year, I also deepened my appreciation for forgiveness and acknowledgment. While it seems we do these practices for others, we really do them for ourselves. By continually forgiving and acknowledging, we give ourselves and others the grace to be human.

I also learned even more how important it is to tell those I love how much I care, continually, because life is short and we never know how long we have on this earthly plane.

I've shared the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono before, but here's Carrie Grossman's Thank You version again. (For my Canadian readers, if you can't access the link you should be able to find it with an online search.)

I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. 

There's so much power in these words. You don't need to say them out loud, or to anyone. Just say them whenever you need grace, or feel grateful, of need to shift something in your life.

Please know that I continually strive to be the best version of myself, and I hope that through this blog and other ways, I help you, too. 

Four more weeks! And then? Stay tuned... 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes, hello determination

Can you see what's possible? 

"Don't smoke. It's bad for you." 

As a pint-sized, pig-tailed 8-year-old, I'd speak my mind to random strangers smoking in public, whether or not it was appropriate.  

Never mind my whole family smoked like chimneys, or that, in those days, everyone smoked, everywhere, and second-hand smoke wasn't a thought. 

Then in fifth grade, my Barbie-looking teacher added fuel to my fire when her doctor-husband came to class for a real-time experiment. We tested the effects of smoking with our vice principal; as he smoked a cigarette in class, we watched his blood pressure rise with each inhalation. We filled glass jars with smoke, and angel hair standing in for lung tissue immediately blackened. Preserved lungs drove the point home: healthy and pink vs ravaged by tar-and-nicotine. This affirmed my point.  

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes... 
If 'goody-two-shoes' is a new expression for you, here's a definition. 

So you'd think I'd never consider smoking, right? You'd be wrong... 

The summer between 6th and 7th grade, as I graduated from elementary to junior high school, I found a new set of friends. My caregivers were gone; grandparents were recently deceased, my mom worked full time. I had no one to be accountable to, nor anyone to notice what I was up to. 

It started simply enough. My girlfriends and I would steal cigarettes from our parents and then practice smoking in my basement or out bedroom windows. At first, I was dizzy and sick. But I was committed to cool, solidly determined to smoke, so each hit of nicotine became easier. Soon, I was a full-blown smoker. 

It wasn't long before I wasn't just a casual smoker. I liked to smoke, so I smoked a lot. Parties, drinking... more smoking. Maybe a few stimulants, and a lot of feeling awkward... more smoking.  

While always outspoken, as a teen I took that to new levels. I didn't like it if I couldn't smoke, and I lived by 'better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.' 

This lasted about 10 years. 

The stigma

Directionless and purposeless, I quit college for a boring admin job and then found myself suddenly back home when my roommate had an emotional breakdown. I wasn't happy, but I somehow had the presence of mind to know I needed a 'real' job, different than the crappy 'throwaway' jobs I'd had so far. One thing I knew for sure, I wasn't following family footsteps in any capacity.  

As I interviewed, I decided smoking wasn't cool anymore, and by smoking, I was just like my family. So I stopped, even though smoking was still common, and we still weren't talking about second-hand smoke. (An aside: Most of the men I noticed weren't smoking, either.) I saw people taking smoke breaks in front of office buildings; I didn't want to be one of them.    

Determination

Two weeks before starting my new job at a travel agency in the heart of downtown Seattle, I smoked my last cigarette. I had a plan; I ate a lot of carrots, skipped the bars for a weekend or two, went for a lot of walks, and took a lot of deep breaths.  

I can't say it was easy, but once I decided, I never looked back. Kinda like when I started...  

I still drank pretty heavily off and on and did some things I'm not proud of, but I never started smoking again. When I met my current partner, 20-some years ago, he smoked, so I played with fire and took the occasional hit. But I knew I didn't want to be a smoker again. I still had smoking dreams, and I'd wake up in a panic thinking I had to quit again, mad at myself, and then realize it was just a dream. 

New awareness 

Because I still had plenty of other bad behaviors and habits, I wasn't yet on a wellness path, but giving up cigarettes was a turning point. Suddenly a lot more mattered. And I saw what I was capable of. 

At some point, hindsight again being 20/20, I understood my penchant for smoking had less to do with addiction and more to do with my lack of self-confidence. Cigarettes were something I could hide behind.  

What I learned? 

I could do anything I set my mind to: from getting the job I wanted at the company I wanted to work for, to quitting something studies show is the hardest addiction to kick. 

It started with a decision, a lot of determination, and a vision of what's possible. Even though I still struggled with self-worth and continued to trip myself up in other ways, this one action set myself up for ongoing success. 

Now, I see I've achieve what I've set my mind to, and I have evidence that supports doing it again.  

While I have odds in my favor that some don't, I'm no better or stronger or more capable than anyone else. It's wanting something bad enough, envisioning the possibilities, believing in ourselves just enough to make it happen, and taking that next step.   


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

How to get out of your own way and achieve your dreams

Infinite possibilities

About ten years ago, I unearthed a belief I'd held all my life: I didn't belong here. I had no right to take up space.

You might wonder where that came from, or how I came to realize it. Or why it even matters. 

A little background

While I had reached a certain level of my definition of success, I never got where I wanted to go. I was undervalued at work, overlooked for better roles or promotions, didn't have the means to do the things that mattered most. I never sought the spotlight, and consequently got no rewards and limited recognition. I'd put myself out there just enough to improve my position, but every step was painful and hard. I gave everyone else more credit for being smarter, better, or more able to 'play the game'. 

This was behavior I arrived at to keep myself safe, and even though I'd do the "work" and spout affirmations, I continued to get in my own way. I felt it physically, in my chest and throat, like I was somehow stopped or trapped, and I didn't understand why. Because I was doing the work. 

What's underneath 

My dad died right after I was born and my parents weren't married—not acceptable at that point in our societal evolution. My father's mother and sister insisted I couldn't be his, and I didn't meet my dad's family until my early 20s after reaching out to them and asking if we were related (they said yes, thankfully). 

A 'goody-two-shoes' until I was 12, I did a 180 when I hit 13. I was the black sheep on my mom's side of my family before and after the 180 (each for different reasons). Throughout my childhood, my mom worked full-time, and many of my caretakers died during my formative years. My mom checked out emotionally and abdicated her role as a parent when my aunt died. I was 9. My grandfather died when I was 10, my grandmother at 12. 

I believed everyone who loved me left me. As an adult, my intellect told me they didn't leave because of me, but under the surface, my childhood internalization believed differently.  

I carried that belief beneath my awareness until 10 years ago. 

In high school, as mentioned in previous posts, while smart enough, I was the classic underachiever. Nobody cared. The ongoing message from teachers and other significant adults was that I'd never amount to anything. I was too much of a f*ck up. I was always in trouble, always looking for love, acceptance, and approval in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people. I had no appropriate role models. 

What I know now? I was ashamed. 

I carried the shame of being alive, of having no right to take up space, until 10 years ago.

There's no blame here

There's no blame here, nor do I regret my past or wish I could change it. I am who I am today because of my experiences and I am authentically grateful for all I've experienced, for where I am, and for what I have now.

And... you can bet I'm happy to say goodbye to those beliefs.

Ten years ago, my partner and I separated (a continuation of 'everyone that matters leaves me'). Thankfully, we both saw an amazing woman, separately, who guided us to understand how we got in our own way. 

I didn't know I carried that shame or had those beliefs. Beneath the surface, I felt unworthy and never good enough, even though I told myself this wasn't true. Whether I believed that or not, I can't say for sure. 

I knew these—and more—life events happened and were reason enough to have the not-good-enough not-worthy-enough beliefs. These are also common beliefs; most of us experience a version of them for part of our lives, if not all. 

But those weren't my core beliefs. There was more. That underlying, body-snatching, mind-numbing, deeply-buried but driving belief that I didn't belong here... that I had no right to take up space—these were new to me. And as soon as I saw them, I knew they were true. And they were cemented in shame.  

Why this matters

Unearthing these allowed me to see how I got in my own way, heal, and then change my circumstances for good. I still sometimes fight old patterns and behaviors; they were part of me for so long that they're deeply ingrained, and in many ways, they're still part of me. But now I can appreciate them; they're part of my shadow and give me perspective. I don't recall the last time I called myself stupid—a pattern I developed, likely learned, as a teen. Awareness is the critical first step to changing these. Now I take up space, ensure my voice is heard, and in turn, I make space for other unheard voices, too. 

Brené Brown, an expert on shame (I'm sure many of you have seen her TEDTalks on shame and vulnerability or read her books), gives this definition of shame in Dare to Lead:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame drives two tapes: 1) Not good enough, and 2) Who do you think you are? 

These beliefs keep us small. We stay in the background, don't reach for our dreams, get complacent, get comfortable with comfort. We don't take risks. We rarely achieve our potential or fully share our gifts with the world. As she notes, we put our armor on and ultimately, suffocate. 

We fear change. 
We fear risk. 
Instead, we do what we think 
keeps us safe and we 
die inside a little every day.

Shame is universal

Brown also notes that we all have shame. She gives examples: we feel ashamed when we're laid off (✔), get divorced (✔), are sexually harassed or abused (✔✔) (even though it's not our fault), or when we feel proud of something and then we're told it wasn't all that by someone whose opinion counts (✔✔✔✔...). Maybe it's just feeling disconnected, that we're unable to keep up with everything around us (✔). I'm sure you have your own examples. Sometimes, these embed themselves within us before we're even cognitively aware. 

Still not sure how or if shame shows up for you? Shame is often masked as perfectionism, blaming, and the isms (e.g., workaholism, alcoholism).

How to change your experience

First, be clear. Shame isn't guilt. Shame says we're bad; guilt says we did something bad. Brown writes, "the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy." 

The only way to release shame's hold on us is to recognize it and talk about it. To allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and look under the proverbial hood at what makes us tick. Love yourself enough to ask the hard questions and do the hard work because it's worth it: 

• Ask yourself what you believe about yourself at your core, and then ask what's underneath that. Keep asking. Be honest. 
• Look at your life events and ask what you made them mean about yourself.
• Ask whose opinion mattered more than your own, especially growing up, and whether you still believe those opinions.
• Look at your core values and make sure they're your own. 
• Think deeply about what matters most, and if you're not doing it, ask the questions again and again.

If you're not achieving what matters to you, however you define it, you may have an old belief still holding you back and getting in your way. It's worth getting a little dirty to see what might be lurking behind your awareness. You may want to work with a therapist or coach; that's what made the difference for me. 

Compassion is empathy's cousin. Be sure to be compassionate with yourself because this is hard work. And these beliefs aren't our fault. That said, we're now responsible. While I firmly believe we create our circumstances, these beliefs weren't in our conscious awareness and were adopted or learned based on the best information we had at the time. Now, with new awareness, we can let go and unlearn, and ultimately, we won't suffocate, we'll soar.  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

We're a little like Ikea furniture

Seen at Shilshole Marina as I walked
and contemplated my future... 

Never thought of yourself as a piece of Ikea furniture? Me either.  

This analogy apparently started on the Earn Your Happy podcast but I didn't hear it so I don't know which episode. I read it on a post in one of the coaching groups I'm part of where many of the participants share what they read or heard that day, which in turn helps the others in the group grow and expand.  

Small steps lead to big results

So much of what we want comes together in small increments. Especially the big stuff—those lofty ideals and the seemingly impossible. 

Those goals and dreams we have and work so hard to achieve are a lot like the tangle of pieces and parts that come in an Ikea box. The picture shows a finished piece of furniture, but seeing all those seemingly disparate parts can feel overwhelming. And putting them together? Nothing ever goes together exactly as it should, at least not the first time. The process can be extremely frustrating. 

Eventually, though, it does come together and everything makes sense. You finally have that thing you pictured. And ideally, there aren't any 'surplus' parts alongside your finished product. 

See it, be it

But it isn't done until it's done, and in life, sometimes it looks a little different than we envisioned. That's OK; it's hard to picture exactly what we want. Unlike Ikea, it has to unfold. In life, too, we often change our picture when we're mid-way through and have new information to work with and our picture gets broader and better, or more refined. It's often with hindsight that we see how all those parts came together to form a whole we couldn't have otherwise imagined. 

What matters is whether you have the right tools, commitment to at least a partial vision, a little direction, and infinite patience. Everything happens in the right time in the right way, which isn't always on our preferred timeline. We must know what we want and hold that vision or feeling, and allow it to unfold while taking the step in front of us.

And more than anything else, not necessarily true when putting an Ikea desk together, it's important to find joy in the process... because life can be very short, and ultimately, as we've all heard so many times, it's the journey, not the destination.  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Of podcasts, passion, and courage

The smart Steller's Jay knows where his
peanuts come from. He's a quick study. 

In today's world, we have endless ways to learn. And many of these are low cost if not free. What's not to love about that?

Online 'universities' like Udemy and Coursera offer a bevy of subjects taught by smart people, usually professionals in a given field. TEDTalks, including their TEDx offshoot, are largely fantastic. Audio books make traditional studying easier to do anywhere. Blogs and podcasts have exploded over the last several years—and there's absolutely nothing you can't find on YouTube, no matter how big or small a topic.

Finding time

Hard to see, but traffic here
is backed up a good mile;
nothing but taillights ahead.

My problem is largely how to choose and making time. Ambitiously, I purchased a handful of Udemy courses for $9.99 each. I haven't yet finished one, but I enjoy the few I've started and they add to my body of knowledge. Thankfully, once purchased, they're yours forever, which is both a blessing and a curse, as I know deadlines are often the driver to get something done.

I'm a new convert to podcasts. Not sure what took me so long, but they make congested commutes much more tolerable, even something to look forward to.

A clue about your passion

However, now that I jumped into that ring, the dilemma is choosing which podcast to listen to. So, as with anything else, I looked for shows that focus on human potential, health, and well-being, those topics that continually fascinate me—which, by the way, is a clue if you're still trying to assess what you're passionate about. What calls you? What do you listen to? What subjects captivate you in books or magazines, or even on TV?

My first podcast was Ryan Niddel's 15 Minutes to Freedom, and when he shifted to his current Optimized Life Show, I followed. (Recommended, and mentioned in previous posts.)

But now with just a few episodes behind me, I'm also hooked on Broken Brain with Dhru Purohit. These are a commitment at nearly an hour-and-a-half per episode.

A visceral response 

An offshoot from the television docu-series Broken Brain, the podcast tackles a wide net of issues related to health, brain health, and all things connecting mind, body, spirit. Recently, in podcast #67, host Purohit interviewed Alex Banayan, the 20-something author of The Third Door, an idea that came to him during his first year of college when he realized he was pursuing his family's dream and not his own.

Banayan was prepping for med school and studying for finals when he had a visceral response to his career path—that big "no, can't do it" kind of visceral response. So instead of studying for finals, he pulled an all-nighter to learn how to hack the game show The Price is Right... and clearly, something was conspiring for his highest and greatest good because not only did he land on the show right away, he won a sailboat, which he sold to fund his writing project.

Dreams come true... with committed, consistent effort 

And now we're all better for it. Over seven years, Banayan inteviewed some of the world's most 'successful' people to learn their 'secrets' to success. A few key takeaways from his story:

• Dreams are worth pursuing. 
• Miracles really can and do happen, but you have to participate. 
• You don't have to know how to get to where you're going. You just have to take the first step, and then the next step. 
• Action is required.
• Your biggest cheerleaders may not be those who know you best; in fact, they may be naysayers. Be careful and mindful who you share your dreams with. 
• Doors are often opened by loose connections, people who don't know you well. 
• We move forward through courage, not fearlessness. There's a big difference. 
• Don't give up. 
• You must know your why... and it has to be bigger than just you. 

Banayan named his own fear "The Flinch"—that feeling he got when his stomach knotted up and nearly stopped him. That fear keeps us from taking risks, from entering into the unknown and the uncomfortable. A way through, however, is knowing why you're doing what you're doing. That bigger why for him was realizing that other people were as curious as he was; it was his curiosity that pulled him toward his project, but it was the idea of helping others that kept him going. He said if what you're doing is for you alone, you have every reason on the planet to stop doing it, especially when it's hard or uncomfortable.

Fearlessness vs courage

Fearlessness is when you don't think about the consequences. Courage is knowing the risks, mitigating what you can, and then doing it anyway, despite that vice grip around your stomach. 

Most of us get stopped when the going gets hard. But we have to do hard things. It's the only way to realize our dreams. It's great to believe in fairytale endings, but the reality is we must do the work. It's from the other side of those challenges that we feel the most proud, where our best stories come from, and ultimately, lead us to the life we actually want, rather than just what we get. 

Find your tribe

Find those people who believe in you. Look outside of your known social circles and connect, connect, connect until you find those you resonate with. They will open doors for you. 

Ideally, give what you can in whatever way you can, be it a compliment, a kindness, a task, or a donation—not because you want something, but because it's the right thing to do. 

Take risks, even small ones. Keep going. And know what lights you up, even if you don't know how to get it. Then trust it's in the works, Take the step in front of you, and if it's hard, do it anyway.  

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Don't rely on willpower to get what you want

Getting this mimosa to grow from a
stick to a tree required the discipline of
regular water and patience. 

While standing at the bathroom mirror getting ready for work, the word discipline came to mind. 

I can't think of many words I despised more as a teenager. Not in the sense of being punished... although there was that, too. 

People who were disciplined were boring. I hated routine. I didn't care if I was late—to class, on homework, or if I didn't achieve the goals I set... I started out as an over-achiever (really, a people-pleaser), but by 7th grade, after a lot of personal loss, I became the classic underachiever. I was smart and got good grades but that didn't matter. I made myself graduate, but it required a valiant effort in my senior year (yes, discipline...).  

After high school, college required it. But I still didn't like it. Being disciplined had no meaning for me, even though something as simple as regularly watering my plants required a certain amount of it. I still didn't understand the connection between discipline and achieving something because my underlying belief, as a kid, was "why bother." Goals? What goals? 

I also learned as a kid that life was hard. Yet, I'd heard it was supposed to be easy, too, so I had a huge disconnect. Life always felt hard—like walking uphill in concrete boots—but I wanted it to be easy.  

It wasn't until about 10 years ago I realized that "life just is"—there's no hard or easy, just our own perception and what we do with it. 

Rituals make life easier 

Discipline is inherent in our rituals. Call it routine or habit, we create rituals to ease our way; if we're disciplined about them, morning rituals make that hour before work flow more smoothly. Creating those rituals—those habits that serve our dreams and desires—keeps us on track, and for me, on time.  

Now I understand that discipline is necessary to accomplish something, and I know being disciplined, at least much of the time, makes life better. 

Do hard things

Discipline requires commitment, which requires a bit of mental and emotional toughness. Any goal worthy of reaching (and if it isn't, why set it?) is worthy of applying discipline. 

Several coaches I read or listen to talk about doing the hard things, something I'd have balked at when I was younger. But it's true. If we want to be healthy and wealthy in old age, it makes sense to do what feels hard when we're young—eat right, don't over-consume, exercise, save or invest... Those hard things become easier if we're disciplined about them; then they serve our needs, the what we want and why we want it. Discipline makes it happen.  

Willpower vs discipline

Discipline isn't willpower. How many times have you made an excuse and said, "I don't have any willpower" about that second piece of chocolate cake, the shopping excursion (I could use more discipline here...), or the third or fourth glass of wine. Willpower keeps us from taking responsibility; it's not our fault—we just don't have any willpower. We believe we either have it or we don't. And it's a lot about what we believe we deserve. 

Discipline is a choice. Discipline moves us forward, leads to achievement, and helps us accomplish more than we think possible—even if we don't believe we deserve it. Few of us are savants, so to achieve something, we must be disciplined about practice, whether playing sports, an instrument, even the lottery... Sometimes we must be disciplined about just getting through our day-to-day, as well as those lofty goals, like retiring early, traveling the world, or even finding a new job that's a step toward achieving these. 

Try changing your internal language and swap out willpower for discipline. Then get up in the morning and meditate when you want to sleep in. Write daily in a journal. Exercise and skip the sugary beverages. Connect with people when you'd rather isolate or watch TV. Discipline will keep you motivated when you feel like it's too hard. There's a reason to bother: life gets better. 

The magic of discipline

Discipline is something we develop; it's not something we're born with. It's building a muscle, or forming a habit. It's doing something consistently, for a reason you care about. If you miss a mark, you haven't failed; you get up and keep going. Forge ahead doing what you say you're going to do because you choose to.  

To create the life you want, discipline is essential. Start with small things, do the hard things, but just do them. And keep doing them. Soon, it'll be easier.  And you'll be celebrating successes. 

With discipline, nearly anything is possible. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.