When to say yes and when to say no

Lake Serene

Yes, I hear you. No, I don't agree. 

Yeah, no... Sometimes you need both yes and no at the same time. (And if you know me personally, you'll hear me say this frequently.)

The words are so simple, and yet, they're not. That's why I developed a few guiding principles about when to use each one.

1. When fear drives, say yes anyway. Years ago, during the throes of my divorce, I realized I'd been saying no a lot, and that I'd become afraid to do anything, After a late-night drive, I landed at the Blaine Harbor Marina, writing in my journal, crying and feeling sorry for myself. Light bulb moment: That wasn't how I wanted to live my life, nor how I saw myself. The pact I made with myself at that moment still stands. When fear calls, I say yes unless there's a good reason--not excuses--to say no. We've all heard about deathbed regreets--what they didn't do, not what they did. Life is short. Grab it! "Sure, I'll jump off a cliff; happy to," I said when friends planned a hang-gliding day in Rio. No regrets.

Caveat: Sometimes we're afraid for a reason, and we have to pay attention to our spidey senses. Listen to your guts. 

2. Commit to an absolute yes. How often do we say yes when we want to say no? We often confuse obligation with our need to be liked, approved of, or accepted. We want to be helpful or do the right thing--but the right thing might not be right for us. Sometimes, a yes is enabling; we deprive people of what they most need for their growth. So later, we regret that yes, when we're zapped of energy and resources. Food for thought: Unless you can answer with an absolute yes, say no.

3. No is a complete sentence. It's OK to say no without adding a why. This takes practice if you're not used to it. Say, "no, thank you." Or, "I decline." Or "thanks for offering, and no thank you." And be firm. We don't need a rationale. Women in particular do this because we learn early to justify ourselves. No, I'm not having kids. No, I'm not available. No, I'm not willing to do that. No, I'm not interested. Just no.

4. Say no to say yes. When we say no to one thing, we say yes to another. 

5. Yes, and... Of course, we all have real-life obligations where yes is a must no matter what--work and children often come with exceptions. Relationships require compromise and sacrifice. What's important is to pay attention and know why you're saying yes. That absolute is always worth considering.


Yeah, no, yeah... 

Forrest and I went for a hike on Sunday. I said yes because I knew I needed it. Was it an 'absolute yes'? No. It was a yes with trepidation. Fear. I was afraid I couldn't do it, might hurt myself, winter conditions, or... frankly, looking bad and being judged (my stuff...). 

And, I heard my self-talk and realized "no" was the wrong answer.

I love hiking in the offseason - there are fewer people and it's life-affirming. The brisk chill, the shades of green, shadows and panoramas, and ... quiet. But with a busy schedule, it's rare that I get more than a 500 ft elevation gain.

The frozen lake in the background

Kudos to those trail builders: the 2000 ft elevation gain was mostly switchbacks and rocks. After 2.5 hours, we hit snow, so we stood next to the frozen lake and ate our cheese sandwiches using the icy bench as a table, as avalanches fell steadily from Mt. Index.

So... what about yes, and what about no? 

Pay attention. Why say yes when we want to say no, and why don't we say no when it's for our greatest good?

We serve the world better when we take care of ourselves; being "nice" and doing "the right thing" isn't really the right thing. We have more to give when we truly mean yes, and when we really mean no. Fear can be our guide but we can't let it drive. It often keeps us playing safe, instead of living full, enriching lives. 

In 2019, make a pact with yourself to be deliberate about yes and no. Practice! You'll be happier, healthier, more energetic, and have more to give when it matters.

Wishing you a very good year!

The answer is gratitude

Sombrio Beach, BC

A fresh start, a clean slate, a new year... Don't we all have high hopes for the year ahead when the clock strikes midnight and a new year begins?

I do. However, few of us have an easy time during the holidays, which largely culminate on New Year's Day. Family dynamics, our financial circumstances, our health, and so much more impact how we feel on this first day out. 

That's why it helps me to see this day as a continuation; while it is a new day, New Year's Day is, in reality, a 'next' day in a continuum. 

But today, as another day starts and this new year begins, I'm worried. Mindful that worry has power, I know feeling gratitude is key. And... 

Worry activates a future we don't want...

There's a lot of noise in the world, and there's little I can do about it. Yet, my worry list continually repeats the negatives from the inputs of the day: 

• our currently precarious economy, a government shutdown, a potential wall and rampant isms
• increased property crime in my 'hood, and how those tasked to protect and serve don't, won't, or can't
• the hardships so many currently experience (and how my usual mantra, "I feel with loving compassion..." isn't appropriate for all circumstances right now)
• what happens to others because of bias 
• a seeming lack of kindness, consideration, and civility everywhere

I know worry doesn't serve me or the world. I can't project the future; I'm making assumptions and projecting. Imagining the worst.  

Why is it so hard to imagine the best???  

Socially, we're conditioned to imagine the worst, but it's deeper than that. Genetically, worry and fear saved us. Today, though, life is rarely life threatening (for those of us with privilege). (An aside: imagining is an important tool, however; read The Gift of Fear and The Unthinkable -- books I highly recommend to everyone.) 

Be intentional with your words

Words have power. They can guide us and help us stay on track. One approach I take is choosing an annual word to represent where I want to focus each year, and this helps me imagine the best. 

My word for 2016 was invest. And then, not long after the start of the year, I was laid off. Suddenly, investment looked very different than I initially intended, and I re-interpreted that word to invest in myself -- internal confidence, skill building, and building community. 

In 2017, my words were expansiveness and spaciousness, and I see how these played out, although again, differently than initially intended. I started two new jobs, took on new challenges, drove cross-country, built new networks, furthered community, shifted more limiting beliefs, and developed practices to support positive change. 

Vancouver Island

In 2018, my word was deliberate -- focusing on experiences, not 'stuff', learning my new job, and practicing self-care. I tracked my spending, and in most ways, spent less. I changed my diet, lost 12 pounds, and at the end of the year, my blood work was the best its been in years. I went to more concerts, saw more shows, spent more time with friends, and mostly stayed true to my focus and beliefs. 

Words are my framework; they motivate me, support me, re-engage me. I've made countless changes in my life in part because of using words deliberately, including creating a solid foundation with my partner. We have done the work, and we've landed in a good place, with a future we can look forward to.  

Now it's time to reap the rewards of that work. So I'm leaning toward manifest or fruition as my word(s) for 2019.

But first... gratitude. Gratitude is my keyword. It underpins everything else. It's at my essence and is essential for managing life's curve balls. Because we may not achieve everything we've planned for 2019; we still have challenges ahead and all those worries I mentioned. There's so much we can't control.  

Changing the dialogue...  

I believe consciousness is cause. I also believe we're all capable and creative. And it's up to me to direct my inner dialogue away from that which doesn't help. 

So, here goes. 2019 is the year I: 

• deepen my belief that everything works for me, even if it doesn't always seem that way 
• repair my relationship with money, making that work better for me, too
• get my house in order, literally and figuratively
• own my worth--not just know it, but own it, and accept nothing less
• write more
• ... and try harder to believe in miracles... 

I recently heard the questions, "What miracles would you love to experience this year? What would be an outrageous good and transform your world?" I'm going to ponder these for the next week or so and see what shows up. 

The key to manifesting miracles is gratitude. Living from gratitude makes our days look brighter and more seems possible. Add in grace, compassion, and forgiveness, and it's a mixture for deeper satisfaction.  

I don't want for anything--I have a warm, comfortable home, a loving partner who's a staunch companion, a good job with a steady paycheck, a satisfying social network, and I'm generally healthy in mind, body, and spirit. 

That's a lot to be grateful for. And for now, that's really all I need to focus on. Because with gratitude, all things are possible.