One in a million: live up to your potential

Are you one in a million? 

Psychologists estimate that not one person in a million is living up to their potential. Wait, what? 

Next time you're out-and-about--walking, on a bus, in an elevator, look around and imagine everyone being their best selves. What kind of impact would that have, on them, on us, or in world?   

I'm paraphrasing Eric Butterworth's Spiritual Economics, a book I'm reading for a class of the same name. He doesn't cite a source, and it's from 2001 so not current, but the estimate has a ring of truth even now, although I hope it's exaggerated.  

He then asks, "Look in the mirror and reflect on this same thing. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you could realize your potential?" 

The idea of self-actualization is relatively recent, at least in western culture, and we're just now starting to understand neuroplasticity, the mind-body connection, and motivation. He does go on to also offer encouragement and hope, noting our "civilization is just beginning and the best is yet to be." 

We're actually better than ever

While locally and globally we have great cultural problems, including gaping class and cultural divides, statistically we're better in more ways than not. Author Steven Pinker talks about this and offers a lot of data in Better Angels of our Nature, to name just one example. 

So much of what we experience is our perspective, no matter where we fall on a socio-economic scale. There's research that indicates we don't get happier with more affluence; in fact, sometimes the more we have, the less happy we tend to be. So potential is not tied to perceived success or monetary gain. 

Here's an exercise Butterworth suggests: 

Choose the most difficult thing you're facing right now and say, 'I know that this is the best thing that could happen to me; I know that in the happening there's a new lesson to learn and some new growth to experience. Within me is an unborn possibility of limitless potentialities and this is my opportunity to give birth to new ideas, new strengths, and new vision. I accept the reality of the difficulty but not its permanence. ... By knowing 'it has come to pass', something wonderful is on its way to me far surpassing anything I have ever known before...'

Everything is impermanent

My mother was fond of saying, "this too shall pass" and it drove me nuts. However, she was right (of course). Everything is impermanent. What happened moments ago will never happen in the same way again, nor will what happens next. 

I recently heard someone suggest we view our 'problems' as 'projects'. I like it. Projects end. They always resolve. We can break them into pieces and take on easier-to-digest small part by small part. And they usually end well; at the least, they're always opportunities for learning.  

Spiritual Economics is full of wise words, but because Butterworth was a 'new thought' minister and borrowed heavily from Christian language, I do mental gymnastics with his use of Biblical terms. Conceptually, however, it's gratefully different, and the book is fine-tuning my own thinking—and getting me closer to living my potential. 

What difficult thing can you ask yourself about today?  



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Cultivate an abundance mindset

Abundance is what we
choose to see.

Most mornings, I listen to a Kenneth Soares "I AM" affirmation on Insight Timer. I've listened to them for so long now I hear his voice in my head. Usually what I hear is, "where focus goes, energy flows." 

You don't have to read Carol Dweck's Mindset, popular among today's c-suite leaders, to know that some of us are more open to learning than others. In fact, that's her premise—are you generally open- or closed-minded (a 'growth' or 'fixed' mindset) to new experiences and ideas? Are you willing to change what you believe and how you learn? 

For all intents and purposes, we are our mindset. So much of what we experience ties back to what we believe, at our core, which is what we made our experiences mean when we were kids. This belief becomes our mindset, which largely defines our approach to learning and development.

Declutter your thoughts 

Spiritual Economics, The Principles and Process of True Prosperity by Eric Butterworth, is an exploration into our beliefs about abundance, and not just our finances. Butterworth shows us how to recognize our beliefs around abundance, how to change them, and ultimately, how to cultivate an abundant life. 

Amazing Grace Spiritual Center

I'm taking a class based on the book, and last week, the instructor asked if I'd talk about it on Sunday at the spiritual center I often attend. Seeing it as a stretch opportunity, I said yes. We teach that which we most need to learn, yes? That's certainly true in coaching. Funny how that works. 

As if to emphasize the point, Sunday's featured talk was called, Declutter Your Life, Kondo Your Thinking, Change Your Life. 

Perfect. I shared the following story. 

Garbage in, garbage out... 

I had friends over for dinner a few nights ago, and the conversation turned to national politics, and I noticed I started to squirm.  

I got up, cleared the table, did a few things, sat back down, and I recognized I was very uncomfortable with the nature of the continuing conversation. So I stopped it. I didn't just change the subject. I owned that it was making me uncomfortable. Focusing on everything that's wrong feels like scarcity to me, and it fuels my anxiety. It doesn't feel hopeful, and it detracts from whatever meaning I assign to my life. 

I have no power to change what's happening at the national level, other than with my vote and small financial contributions. My point of power is in my present moment, in the small circle of influence I currently inhabit, and with the energy I put out into the world. I don't want to add to scarcity. I want to add to abundance. Where focus goes, energy flows. 

What we think, we create

Wayne Dyer writes in The Power of Intention, "Be continually alert to the fact that simply by thinking and feeling in harmony with intention... you'll counterbalance the collective negativity of 90,000 people, and perhaps millions." 

What I know is that there are a lot of people doing amazing work, including some of those people at the dinner table. Yes, we can talk about all the giant things that shouldn't be in the world right now but let's focus on what we can do and not kvetch. I'm not naive. I know what's going on; I read and watch trusted news sources. There's an endless list of broken systems. And... there are also people working to fix them.  

What does abundance mean to you?

While not financially flush, I believe my life is abundant. Every day, when I open my back door, I see and hear an abundance of birds, smell a variety of plants, trees, and fertile soil, and can snack on the growing things peppered around the yard. I also count my blessings because I have this yard, a partner who helps me manage it (who loves me), and a house, with heat, and a refrigerator that's never empty. And that's just a starting point. 

I've always liked the saying, "you can lament because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." 

I choose how I see the world, and my abundance is grounded in what I choose to see. Where I put my attention is what I create.  

Cultivate and protect your mindset

Here are a few tips for cultivating more abundance:  

• Contribute. Volunteer. Donate. Share. Recognize how much you have to give, even if it feels small. There is likely someone who would gladly change places with you. 
• Ask better questions. Instead of, what do I need to get done today, ask, what do I need to do for my highest and greatest good today? 
• Or, ask, what does the world need from me today (I think that's what JFK asked)?  
• Start a daily gratitude practice. Either at the start or end of your day, write out those few things that stand out that you're grateful for today. Even better, tell someone else. 
• Open your eyes (figurative and literal) to what's working in your life, even the smallest things. What or who do you appreciate?  
• Explore how you define success. When will you know you're there? 
• What do you tell yourself about your self-worth? What are you deserving of? Is what you tell yourself something you'd say to someone you care about? 
• Be mindful of how you engage and the quality of content and people you allow into your life. Do you feel good or not? While commiserating has its place, be careful. Pay attention. This may be more important than anything else. 

As I experience more abundance, I'm able to give more and do more, and in turn, generate more abundance in my world. Where focus goes, energy flows...  

What do you want more of? Do that... Give that. 

Whether it's time, money, energy, or just shifting a conversation, we all have a role in creating the abundant world we want to live in. What feeds you, fuels you? That's your gift to the world, which radiates positive energy, which contributes to abundance everywhere.  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Anger is an energy

Alone in the wilderness... or, well,
 in this case, on a beach. 

A few years ago, while talking about growing up, a life-long friend told me my anger scared her when we were teenagers. This caught me off guard; I had no idea. We met in elementary school; I was a lieutenant on the safety patrol and she was on my squad. From there, our lives became deeply intertwined; we know and understand our origin stories. And yet, her words made me think.  

As a teenager, I was small, smart, and cute, which didn't benefit me at that point in time and caused ire among my peers. So I was feisty; I had a mouth only sailors could love, and I was often in trouble with teachers for directing it at them.  

We learn to be angry... 

I learned how to be angry from my mom. That was her acceptable emotion, along with frustration. She yelled a lot, swore a lot, slammed doors, and threw things. Throughout our life together, I watched her vacillate between anger, frustration, and depression. Consequently, my teenage self yelled and swore a lot, and sometimes slammed doors and threw things (typically, just my hairbrush on bad hair days, though). Full transparency: I had a few good reasons to be angry. I just needed better ways to express it.  

I started my journey toward healthy expression in my early 20s, but it's an ongoing practice and I don't always get it right. As a newlywed, I yelled during an argument—and my husband's response taught me to quell my anger, even deny it. Instead, I withdrew rather than rocking the boat, which had its own unintended consequences.  

Now I'm rarely angry and I know anger is just one of many options. But it's also a useful one if we pay attention. It's a tool, a motivator. Or as John Lydon (nee Johnny Rotten) sang on Rise, it's an energy. It's information. 

Anger is often our quickest response in a heated interaction and can easily mask other emotions, like fear or hurt. Stopping in the moment, when we first feel angry, is a big step. What's it telling you? Stop, notice, and name it. Then choose how you want to respond to any given situation.  

I don't avoid conflict, but I stopped provoking controversy when I 'grew up.' That doesn't mean I don't express anger when I feel it, but I discovered my limitations around arguments. I sometimes struggle to follow a train of thought when emotions are high, and verbal communication can be challenging for me. That's why it's important to know I can stop. I also noticed in heated conversations with certain people that I can become overwhelmed and get flustered and acquiesce when they insist they're right. This also isn't OK, and I've learned to navigate those relationships more carefully.     

Communication, awareness, and boundaries 

Now, with a lot of deep work behind me and a high level of self-awareness, I have very clear boundaries, which makes setting limits easier. Anger isn't my immediate response.  

But here's something else: We typically have different boundaries for different relationships, and we're allowed to change and adjust them. We're also not required to tell people when we set new boundaries, especially if it puts us at risk in some way. Push-back is real. Sometimes, they don't know what's different, only that something is, and that's enough to cause a reaction.   

The trick, then, is to hold those new boundaries and not get sucked into old behaviors, and not get angry. I recently got tricked. Hence this post. 

Remember Charlie Brown and Lucy? 

I found myself in a situation where I expected a different result. I have a friend I regularly feel challenged by. I'm Charlie Brown, falling on my ass trying to kick a football that Lucy pulls away at the last minute. (Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... what?!?) I decided I couldn't do that anymore, so I created some new boundaries for myself in that relationship. I didn't share that; I just showed up differently. And then... here I was... I did the same thing, again, and I said a thing or two in a conversation I didn't want to have... and got lambasted for all the ways I was wrong. Charlie Brown... I should know better. 

I was livid. But... this time, I didn't react. I didn't swear. I didn't cry. I noticed it. I stepped back to look at what just happened.  

Behind the reaction...  

The Landmark Education Forum asks you whether you want to be right or whether you want workability. I aim for workability, which is why I don't think all disconnects need to be discussed. I could very easily find myself saying hurtful things that don't help. 

So what happened... I felt like a caged cat, trapped, attacked even... which made me even less interested in further engaging. It wasn't pretty, so we hung up with neither of us in a good place. What I know for sure is that this cannot happen again. I refuse to again be Charlie Brown.   

Trust your insides... 

I have finely honed gut instincts, and I must listen to them. I can't second guess myself, nor must I explain my actions and choices, nor defend them in most circumstances.

I mentioned anger is information, and this particular experience enlightened me to a couple of things. 

• How I relate to my partner: I have a new appreciation for my partner's process when he's working through something. Now, when I ask him what's up when my spidey senses are buzzing and he says 'nothing' or 'it doesn't have anything to do with you', I have to trust him. I must also trust that if he does have something we need to talk about, he'll let me know.  
• What's important to me: I have more clarity about my values and boundaries, how I want to show up, and what I expect in relationships, friendships or otherwise. 

As with anything else, there are always gifts... that proverbial silver lining. This exchange prompted me to write on my bedroom mirror, where I see them sometimes multiple times a day, a few affirming statements:  

• take up space
• amplify my voice
• know my worth (an ongoing theme here)
• trust myself, and 
• take no shit

None of this is about making someone else wrong, or not loving them. What I find I need is to rethink my relationships, my needs, and my interactions—which right now, is taking back some space, and when I say "no," know that I mean no, especially when something is personal and not about them. 

Writing this, I feel less angry and more compassionate, for my friend and myself, even as I recognize I'm done with being Charlie Brown.  

Anger... it's useful. In this case, it caused me to pause and reflect, and then stand firm, know my worth, and resolve to set more limits.   

Let anger be your guide...

And, lastly, there's a lot to be angry about in the world... like oppression and inequity. That's where anger can be truly motivating. It's information and an energy. Use that. But don't let it consume you, and when you feel it, explore it.   

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here. 

Doing the hard things

In my last post, I quoted Soulful Simplicity about doing the things you don't want to do, so you can do the things you want to do later on. As a coach and follower of coaches, self-help authors, and wellness types, I'm seeing a lot right now about how we have to do the hard things.

I wish I'd had that mindset when I was younger. 

Don't get me wrong. Life was hard, so in that sense, I did hard things. Throughout my teens and early adulthood, life was very hard. A high school friend has long said we went to "handle it school" because if we learned nothing else, we learned to handle almost anything -- any crisis or problem -- growing up in our neighborhood. But those aren't the type of hard things, nor the mindset, I'm referring to. Many hard-learned lessons later, I realize that while I didn't grow up in ideal circumstances, I also made my life much harder by getting in my own way. 

How do you know if you're in your own way?  

When you feel like nothing's working, or if where you're headed isn't where you want to go, you might be getting in your own way. If you find yourself always struggling, or consistently unhappy.

How did we get here? We may not know any better, especially when we're young. We're products of our environment and our experience, and even our DNA, and if you're like me and didn't have many good role models, it takes a while to figure it out.

So much of what we experience is mindset--a concept that can be challenging to understand. Because at my core I believed life was hard, I (unknowingly) looked for evidence in every circumstance to support my belief. And because I believed life was hard, I looked for and drew to me circumstances that made life harder than it had to be. I'm not saying that many of the bad and sad things that happened during my early years were my fault -- by no means was I responsible for predatory men, belittling teachers, absent adults, and bullies and friends more fucked up than me. But because of my beliefs, which included what I felt I deserved, I put myself in a lot of situations that could only result in harm or hardship. 

Even though I intellectually understood some of this in my twenties, having learned a bit about 'new thought' philosophies, creative visualization, quantum physics and energy, etc., those early beliefs by then were buried deep in my bones and drove much of my experience, running below the surface of everything I did. Not until yet another devastating circumstance presented itself did I finally break free. 

A wise therapist helped me shift my thinking. Among other things, she asked if I believed life was hard, and when I said yes, she asked, "what if life just is?" What if the universe, or whatever you believe in, is neutral, and your circumstances are a reflection of what you believe? 

I'd have done a whole lot of things differently. 

I used to think I wanted life to be easy. Growing up, I thought life was supposed to be easy and was always astonished when it wasn't. Because I was so afraid of failing, of looking stupid, because everything seemed hard, I regularly chose the path of least resistance, or what felt like the easiest way. Except it wasn't ever easy, and in fact, that mindset made everything much harder. I was an intentional underachiever because so much felt too hard and I was scared.

But looking back at my accomplishments, the greatest satisfaction came as a result of hard work - - from effort made, energy expended, challenges accepted... sometimes involving strife or heartache or walking through fear, and almost always learning something new or different.

Although not aware while doing these things, I did a lot of hard-for-me things over time, without really thinking about how hard they'd be.

Some of my hard things? Honestly, I don't think I expected to live a long life, so I didn't take particularly good care of myself when I was young. I smoked and abused myself during my teen years, but decisively stopped all that when I realized I was going to be around a while and wanted a better life. I watched my mom and other family members succumb to illness, and deliberately made choices like eating better and exercising that support a healthier life. I determinedly put myself through college when it seemed nearly impossible. I wanted a career that included writing, so I carefully and mindfully carved out a path. I wanted a different result when a relationship nearly ended so I went to therapy and uncovered those deeply held beliefs -- and made a conscious effort to change them.

In hindsight, these were the hard things I had to do for a better life later, although at the time, I wasn't aware of that mindset.   

We can do the hard things. Sometimes it's just saying no to a second helping (noticing my own patterns), or starting an exercise program by moving your body 10 minutes every morning, or unlearning an unhealthy behavior. Sometimes it's calling an estranged relative or friend, setting aside a need to "be right" and instead choosing the relationship, or setting boundaries with someone who crosses them. Sometimes it's much harder, like forgiving yourself or someone who harmed you, or being compassionate with yourself, or finding gratitude for just one thing each day. 

Do the small things every day,
and they'll lead to big things. 

If you want something, be intentional. If it feels hard, start small. And know that if it feels hard, it's probably worth it. Get clear about your priorities, then map out a plan. Create daily routines or rituals and then methodically take the steps -- every day -- that lead you there.  

Sometimes I still hope for luck. But experience tells me that luck comes to those who do the work. My mom, not a religious woman by any stretch, always said that "god helps those who help themselves."  

I don't know about you, but if I'm going to grow old, and I hope to, I want to be healthy, and able-bodied, with the means to afford a decent life. While I know there are many circumstances over which I have no control, I can make choices that, should I get to grow old, increase my odds of enjoying those later years more than I enjoyed my younger years. Most days, I can do the hard things. 

I don't think we all need luxury homes and and exotic cars -- although if that's your jam, then by all means, work to create it. That said, I believe I deserve a life with "better problems", as author Mark Manson refers to them in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I think we all do.

So if you're in your own way like I was, take steps every day to create the life you want, even if it feels hard. Work toward having better problems. I no longer believe life is hard, even though some things feel hard.

Remember that saying, "Life's what you make it"? For the vast majority of us who are of sound mind, that's pretty much it.  

Life just is. 

Locker room wisdom

To borrow from Gretchern Rubin, 
author of The Happiness Project, 
my reminder to Be Laura. Life works 
so much better when I get out of my head. 

"You have to recast it. You have to do it for the women and girls who come later."

Sarah and I were chatting in the locker room tonight about how women are conditioned or socialized to second guess ourselves, to somehow devalue ourselves, or otherwise feel and act 'less than' and hold ourselves back.

Prior to a recent job interview, she suggested I watch Amy Cuddy's TedTalk on shaping our confidence by adjusting our body language. Our stance can increase or decrease our testosterone and cortisol, which affect how we project confidence--in just two minutes! Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In also speaks to this, writing "fake it till you feel it" by assuming a high-power pose.

Sarah and I know each other only in passing, usually coming or going from the pool. Still, I'm glad to know her. Her advice was well-timed; I watched the talk and stood a little taller at my interview.

Tonight, I mentioned that I thought my interview went well. I genuinely liked everyone I met and how they conducted the interview process; I'm confident I'd not only excel in the job, but thrive, and I'd love to do it. It's a huge opportunity to make a difference, and I feel like I'm a good fit in every way. And, I have no way to gauge the outcome. I find myself fighting back old beliefs about self-worth, what I deserve, and projecting what others might think. It's time for a mental reboot.

Recast your story... 

Sarah's recasting her own story--for herself, her daughter, and those who come after. "I applied for an award, and I didn't think I'd get it. I told everyone I wouldn't get it. And I got it." I don't know what Sarah does for work; another frequent swimmer once mentioned she's a researcher at a local university. She wasn't going to apply; her coworkers encouraged her, saying if she couldn't do it for herself, she had to do it for others. For them. For those who come after. To make it easier or even possible.

What she said next makes so much sense: We'll do anything for others, especially those who may be at a disadvantage, like children or aging parents. We'll step out of what's comfortable, take a risk, speak out, speak up on their behalf.

So... here's the reframe: What if we take a risk on our own behalf because it paves the way for those who follow? If it's hard to do something for ourselves, can we find a way to do it because, ultimately, helping ourselves helps others, either directly or indirectly? It's a bit like the airplane mask analogy, or like paying forward, or living well by doing good. By recasting our inner dialogue so that taking a risk or speaking out on our own behalf benefits another, somehow it becomes easier, whether applying for an award, negotiating a salary increase, or lobbying for ourselves to land that just-right job. The playing field still isn't equal, but if we can put ourselves out there a little more each day, we'll get closer.


...and cast out old beliefs


I recognize those old beliefs no longer serve me, and I am recasting those, too. Casting them out, in fact. They are untrue stories, learned a lifetime ago. I am worthy and deserving, because I am. No more, no less. Hands on hips, head held high, eyes ahead, I've got this. I get it. I'm on it.


Addendum: This post was written prior to the released Trump tape that he described as "locker room talk". I do have a few things to say about that, but I'll save that for later.