When we need new friends...

Symbiotic relationships:
Life & death

When I lost my job in a 2016 reorg, it was soon clear how I relied on work for social connection. While I know a lot of people, most of my closest friends live anywhere but close--Canada, Chile, California, the UK, and the Southeast.  

While finding a job was important, I quickly realized building community and making new friends were equally important.  

Studies now show that social connection is as important for health and longevity as good sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. But interestingly, studies also show we'll sync with those we spend the most time with, e.g., if our social network is largely unhealthy, we're more likely to be unhealthy, too. 

Who we spend time with matters.

Intentional connection

Not long after the layoff, my partner went back to work—he's a merchant mariner away on ships for months at a time. While he's not my everything, he's my a-lot-o'things—companion, confidant, cheerleader, housemate, playmate... When he leaves for work, those first coupl'a weeks are like losing an appendage until I find my groove. I had a big gap.  

But I couldn't fill that gap randomly; I wanted people who shared my values and had a growth mindset. While I again lived in the city I grew up in and had "friends" both old and new, I enjoyed seeing some online. But I knew they wouldn't be part of the intentional "community" I wanted to create now.  

Desired experience 

So I considered the kinds of connection I wanted, what I wanted to do, learn, and experience, who I wanted to learn from, as well as where I could contribute. 

Those I spent time with must share some degree of optimism, gratitude, a willingness to expand their horizons, authentic generosity, and a curiosity about the world at large. That doesn't leave room for scarcity mindsets, victims, or even happy doomers. 

It's a life-affirming approach, knowing we create the lives we want and contribute to a better world.      

Relationship audits

Sometimes we outgrow our friends—and not just those from high school. There's a saying I don't love, but it's applicable: Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And that's OK. We're on this earth to grow, and we're all on different paths.  

I know a few people who regularly audit their "friends" on Facebook. I don't do this because that's time I don't want to spend, but I do find it important to audit IRL friends. Some friendships are deep and meaningful, and some are just for fun... both have value, but the question I ask about whether a friendship still fits, is: Do I feel energized or drained after being with that friend?  

Where to find friends

While we can find "community" in many places, making new friends isn't always easy for many adults. A recent Broken Brain podcast discussed this in-depth and offered ideas to find and create more meaningful friendships. 

Here are some examples of what I did that stuck: 

• I found a great professional women's group on Meet-Up, went to monthly meetings, took a few workshops, and have now had coffee with someone I have some things in common with; this may be the start of a new friendship.
• I went to the Seattle Lean In chapter's monthly meetings. At one of them, I ran into a former colleague and we decided to start a Lean In 'small circle' together with an assigned group of participants. We now meet monthly and the acquaintances are deepening into friendships. 
• Despite being church-averse, the spiritual center nearby intrigued me, so I dropped in on Sundays and signed up for a class--which led to more classes, volunteer work, and a few social activities. I can now say honestly I have new like-minded friends.  
• Online groups, while not the in-person connection I craved, filled some holes; one professional development group has a few locals in it, so I planned a get-together in December and a couple of coffee dates with others.  



Amazing Grace Spiritual Center, a
Center for Spiritual Living, on
their 10th anniversary

• I also found no shortage of volunteer opportunities, a great way to meet people. About the same time I was laid off, I was matched with a 'little' through the Big Sisters program, which did two things: it forced me to try new activities, and gave me a good reason to say no to other things--which can be as or more important than saying yes. 

An important outcome now that I'm busier: I pay close attention to who gets my time, why they get it, and how much I share my thoughts and feelings. Only some get my true self with the vulnerable parts. That takes time and reciprocal effort.  

Did it work? 

The short answer: from each of these efforts, I now have not just community, but individuals I call friends. 

Relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back on what we believe about the world and ourselves. Generally, we have to like the reflection or at least be open to it. If we don't, we can gauge whether it's an opportunity to learn and thereby worth looking at, or whether it's time to let go. 

Our health and wellness, including mental and emotional health, may depend on how we answer.   



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