Find meaning and purpose: tips to get started

This gull lives and breathes its meaning
and purpose... 

For years, self-help advice said follow your passion. Thankfully, for those of us unclear about what that might actually be, there's another way to think about how to create a life we love (read this, or this).  

What we're learning now that's proving more important: bring passion to whatever we're doing, wherever we happen to be, rather than waiting to discover what we're passionate about or fretting about why we don't have one.  

After meeting our hierarchy of basic needs, what humans truly crave is autonomy, meaning, and purpose (so says Daniel Pink in Drive), not necessarily passion for something specific.  

I've always loved the phenomenally classic Auntie Mame quote, "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death." I took it as a directive to bring passion to everything. 

Engaging with what we're doing, in the moment, has the potential to fill us with both meaning and passion. If nothing else, it makes life a lot more interesting. And, that said, our humanity sometimes works against us, though... we're hardwired to be cautious. So if you need some ideas to find more meaning and purpose, I've listed some ideas below.    

Follow your curiosity

What makes you go huh...? Or hmmm...? Clues come from what you're reading, listening to, or watching. What about those appeal to you? 

What or who do you want to know more about? Who or what do you envy? What would you study or where would you travel if means and time were available?  

Perhaps you're curious about brain science, like I am, but not willing or able to be a neuroscientist. If you're curious, you may have a latent talent for something related... I'll never be a neuroscientist, but I love coaching and how the latest research in brain science applies to personal development and human potential. 

Check your checkbook 

Our bank and credit card statements are insightful; they document what we care about. What do you buy, who or what do you donate to, and how are you entertained? Does how you spend your money align with your values?  

Perhaps you care about our warming planet. What do you eat? How do you shop? I used to be a mindless shopper, filling an emotional void, until I recognized the pattern. I also care deeply about my health, growing up in a family with numerous lifestyle conditions, so buying healthy food and supporting farm-to-table dining are ways I find meaning.    

Notice when you're angry   

Author, entrepreneur, and funder (and acquaintance) Nathalie Molina Nino wrote in her book  Leapfrog that we should forget about finding our passion and instead find something we want to punch. What makes us most angry may be great opportunities to explore: for work, new ventures, or volunteering.  

You'll also find big clues here about what's meaningful and purposeful for you.  

Test the waters 

When we find meaning and purpose, we find our passions—often right where we are. Fascinated by something, but never tried it? Test it. It's through doing that we build confidence, gain experience, get excited, and yes, find passion.  

Maybe you'd love to own a bakery one day; time disappears when you're baking cookies, bread, or specialty desserts. A bakery may not be feasible, but what gets you closer? These days, we have so many options, like starting a microbusiness using the magic of technology.  

Given today's economics, a side hustle is both easy and a good idea. If you need ideas or a how-to guide, Portland's world-traveling Chris Guillebeau is a go-to resource. 

The founder of Seattle's line-out-the-door Hot Cakes started selling that chocolate gooey goodness at the local farmers market. Now she has two brick-and-mortars and recently opened two vegan ice cream shops. They run themselves while she travels and surfs. 

Small steps are better than no steps. 

Know your why

Knowing why you're doing something can keep you on track when what you're doing feels hard. Not sure about your why? Ask why five or seven times until you get your answer.   

Simon Sinek's Start with Why is one of the most popular TEDTalks ever. And it makes sense... why you do something can make all the difference.

It matters 

A colleague recently suggested we should make 2020 the year of the side hustle. If nothing else, we'll add more meaning and purpose. We may make more money. We might just find our passion. And remember: Where focus goes, energy flows.

Meaning and purpose have staying power; passion sometimes fizzles. Man's Search for Meaning author Viktor Frankl believed meaning and purpose, not passion, were essential to survival, and if anyone could attest, he could.  



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Breaking bad habits

A sea of blossoms viewed from the top of

Carkeek Park's South Ridge trail.  

I fidget. I can't sit still, I slide around in my chair, twirl my hair, run my fingers through it, tug at my lips... I even sometimes twiddle my thumbs. I have done these things or a variation all my life. It makes one friend anxious. I make myself a little crazy.

I also shop. Out of boredom. For comfort. I consider this a habit now, too. I associate shopping and having new clothes, in particular, with being loved, left over from childhood. I love fashion and at times consider style a part of my creative expression, but really... While I don't stand a chance next to The Shopaholic, nor am I anywhere near a contender for Hoarders, shop therapy played a big role when I moved to Vancouver, and even more, post-divorce, as a way to feel less isolated. What started as a coping mechanism became a bad habit. Now it's a go-to when I feel alone, even if it's just window-shopping.


...Change is, well... change is.


I woke up this morning thinking about change, largely because there's a lot going on at work and I'm currently focused on change management. I read and write almost every morning, and today, reading about the placebo effect on health, the fog I've been in for the last two weeks finally lifted. It became clear that it was time to refocus, to be intentional about what I want in my own life, and make some changes again (change seems to be a theme of this blog).

My old house has rooms and closets
built for 1907 lifestyles, so I make-do
with shelving and baskets.

I'm starting small while I give more thought to the bigger changes ahead. I am tired of operating by rote, tired of these habits. Fidgeting burns a few calories, but it's irritating, to me and others. And shopping for material goods I don't need takes time, energy and funds away from more important endeavors, and goes a little against my environmentalist grain. I have enough.

It's spring, or nearly, and a good time to make a shift. 

How?

Good question. Some of these are so ingrained it'll take serious conscious effort (as I write, I find my fingers at my lips or in my hair...). I may have to exchange a habit or two for the short term. And... 

• Awareness is the critical first step, followed by a willingness to make change. Followed by continuous re-commitment to this. 
• I'll set some rewards and some boundaries - I'm not yet sure what these are since this is still a new plan. 
• I will at times take it moment by moment, and not chastise myself when I screw up - just note it and start over. 
• I will put sticky notes around to remind myself of what I want instead. 
• Maybe add a calendar appointment in my phone as a daily reminder.
• I will continually ask myself what I want my life to look like and what's most important. 

I'm not aiming for perfection and I'm grateful I don't have worse habits to break. I think my only current addiction is caffeine - which I learned of when I got my first-ever withdrawal headache last fall after a day without coffee.

...I have much more empathy.  

But these are hard for me, and in some ways, it's a test. They may seem innocuous, but they aren't - they impact how I'm perceived, and in some ways even how I feel about myself. It bugs me that I succumb to these. They are habits, not conscious actions, and consequently, they "run" me (to borrow from Landmark's Forum; they're in control).

My mom was a self-proclaimed "creature of habit," and while I loved my mother, I choose not to emulate her. I have quit smoking, and stopped many other unhealthy behaviors. I have changed my language when it made more sense to speak differently. I stopped saying "um" and using other fillers. I have created good habits, like daily journal writing and exercise. I have changed how and what I eat.

I've read it takes anywhere from 21 - 30 days to break an old or instill a new habit, depending on the complexity (I've also read some take much longer). So I'll aim to be patient with myself. I do believe it's possible to change even these insidious quirks. I will report back. And please, by all means, share your habit-breaking tips, ideas and successes in the comments.

Updates
- Day one update: It helps to say to myself, "I'm choosing to stop this."
- Day two observation: Identified that, 1) I have the desire to do this and, 2) I believe I can do this. - So far, so good!
- Day three insight: I'm not sure I would call this hard... but it requires constant diligence. I am impressively habitual.
- Three weeks later: Still doing great with the fidgeting part. It's not always easy; I think about it frequently. But I am not acting on those thoughts. Shopping, well, a slip... Not a big slip, just a little slip. And gave myself a cash limit. So it was a conscious slip, too. Ah well. Onward. It's been a trying couple of weeks, to say the least. Starting anew each day. 

Manual transmission... (or, a girl and her car, and the power of choice)

I always fancied myself a good driver, and at one point even considered doing driver training at a local race track. While I didn't pursue the training, I've had a thing for driving since I was a kid - I loved my Matchbox cars and my Tonka truck at least as much as I loved Barbie dolls. I'd make roads for these wee little hot rods anywhere I could, and later, I'd ride my two-wheeler up and down the block, into neighboring driveways, imagining my bike was a car. I'd sit behind the wheel of my mom's old Ford and pretend to drive long before I got my learner's permit. I loved the feeling of navigating windy roads - even when the roads were only in my mind.

When it comes to the real thing, my most basic requirement, after a body and four wheels, is a manual transmission. I've been driving a stick shift since I bought my first five-speed about 25 years ago - a car I didn't know how to drive when I bought it and had to have someone drive home for me. But there was no way I was buying an automatic. Why? Good damn question. Something about the road beneath my wheels, the illusion of control.

Another essential was just two doors. No four-door sedan for me, no sir. Another good "why" question. I think having just two doors plays to a self image of myself as a hip, take charge driver of a sporty little convertible without the impracticality. (Even if whatever car I drive in no way resembles a sports car.)

I've pondered getting a new-to-me car for a few years now. But giving up my little 1989 Toyota Corolla is hard. Perhaps ridiculous, but it's been part of my identity my entire time back in Seattle.

However, when I bought it in 1998, I thought I'd keep it a year, no more. It wasn't ideal, but my previous car - a newer Corolla - was totaled by a hit-and-run driver, I didn't have a job, was moving back to the states, and the Canadian dollar was at an all time low. I got paid out by my B.C. insurance company in those dwindling Canadian dollars so I didn't have much to work with.

But now, 14 years later, it's been an awesome little car. My 'green' side regularly tells me that it's more eco-friendly to keep an old car than to get something new after all the monetary and environmental costs of manufacturing a new one. And if I were to buy one, what would I get? Should I buy electric, diesel, or a little econo model?

My physical response to those questions was immediate anxiety followed by paralysis. Sure, the Corolla burns a bit more oil now, but it consistently passes emissions tests, the gas mileage is decent, I can take it almost anywhere, and it's still fun to drive. Financially, I haven't missed having a car payment, insurance is cheap, and car tabs are next to nothing. So I take it in for regular quarterly maintenance, and give thanks every day that it's still going at 260,000+ miles. Until now.

Well, the car is still going, but I have retired my use of it. In the midst of my emotionally trying summer, I bought a brand new car. A 2013. Really? Yes, really. The afterglow is a bit more afterpale, as I'm continually second guessing myself. I hate to admit it, but I have on many occasions bought a piece at Nordstrom, brought it home, thought about it a while, then returned it (tags on, of course. I'm not one of those people!). Example: When searching for a pair of black boots one year, I must have brought home over the course of several months more than a dozen pairs from almost as many shoe stores - finally settling on a pair post-season with the reward for my efforts a 70% discounted price. Can't do that with a car...

The new six-speed, two-door coupe is a Hyundai Elantra - the first Elantra with just two doors. Research tells me there's not much of a market for two-door cars these days - just 22,000 Scion tCs were sold in the US in 2011 (a car I'd considered). But still the Elantra holds its value (despite the initial loss driving off the lot), it gets exceptional gas mileage, and the warranty is second to none.

Despite a fair price, it is a big expense, and it's a new monthly payment at an inconvenient time. The body is bigger than I'm used to, I can't quite get my seat oriented right, and it's not at all sports car like. I'm told it looks a bit cat like. Because it's actually a fraction of an inch longer than a four-door, it's kind of a sedan in disguise.

So I'm conflicted - albeit a waste of energy given that car dealers don't subscribe to the Nordstrom return policy. Here's the mind bending at its best:

• My conservative side wishes I'd looked around more and taken more time with my decision, maybe found something less expensive, and I'm completely befuddled by brand new.
• Various family voices pay a visit and offer their unsolicited opinion about taking on a car loan. But at 1.99% interest, really? If I'd paid cash, there would be no point in getting something different. While spending a lot on a car goes against my grain, this is reasonable. And I currently have the resources and credit rating to do this.
• My professional side says, "Why not? Your colleagues have much newer cars, and most of them are pretty nice. You need to present yourself professionally."
• My social justice side kicks in with some guilt, and I picture the guys standing under the Ballard Bridge with requests for help. In my Toyota, I was inconspicuous and presumably not much better off than they were.
• The environmental side is disgusted by the off-gassing of all the interior fabric and plastics (but happy about the gas mileage).
• Then there's my rebellious, ego-centric side that says, "but wait, didn't you want a Genesis, an Audi, or a sweet little cabriolet?" Not a lot of cache with a Hyundai, but then, the Hyundai was a lot more affordable - both now, and later (when it's time for maintenance or repairs).
• The wanna-be adventurer reminds me the purchase price would cover a lot of plane tickets, or add up to a lot of boat dollars. (But hey - it does hold its value!)
• Then there's the proverbial self doubting side that whispers, "Do you really think you deserve a new car?" Actually, yes. Maybe for the first time, I don't question what I deserve. I recognize that I have many choices and I make pretty sound ones most of the time.

(An aside: a lesson in choice came from the Landmark Forum ages ago. Choose - chocolate or vanilla. Doesn't matter which, just choose. But of course we all felt compelled to rationalize our choice. When no rationale was requested or needed. The only thing that matters is making a choice. A similar lesson came while working at an ad agency - make a decision, any decision, as long as you make one. Not making a choice is also a choice.)

Hyundai was a good choice. I know this. They've done some great work with styling and quality improvements over the last several years. And did I mention the gas mileage and the warranty?

In the month I've had it, I've become surprisingly attached to a couple of features I never knew I needed: heated seats, hands-free calling and a USB port (I can plug in my Zune!). It has A/C (my Toyota's AC stopped working last year), which was handy since we finally hit 90+ degrees - the first time in more than two years (imagine, two summers never passing the 90 degree mark - but I digress...). Cruise control I can take or leave (detracts from the driving experience), and satellite radio is fun for now (free trial) but unnecessary as I'm quite happy with NPR, our local progressive talk radio, and a few local music stations. A few features I've never had that I could probably live without are electric windows and remote locking, although they're convenient.

What I'm really happy about: all the interior and exterior lights work when they're supposed to, there's a special place for my sunglasses and a lighted vanity mirror in the driver's side visor, my seatbelt retracts as it should, and my gas gauge not only works, but I get a reading of my average mileage per tank and how much farther I can go with what's left based on my average use.

So, while I'm still second guessing myself, it wasn't a bad idea and how lucky am I to be able to drive something brand new? It's safe, it's economical, it's pretty to look at, and I can fit real people in it. Despite my kvetching, I can even afford it.

Gratitude. That's where it's at, and that's what I have to focus on. This fall and winter, when the rain comes back en force, I will be very very happy with this decision. So why not have a new car? It's a pretty fortunate place to be.