How to get out of your own way and achieve your dreams

Infinite possibilities

About ten years ago, I unearthed a belief I'd held all my life: I didn't belong here. I had no right to take up space.

You might wonder where that came from, or how I came to realize it. Or why it even matters. 

A little background

While I had reached a certain level of my definition of success, I never got where I wanted to go. I was undervalued at work, overlooked for better roles or promotions, didn't have the means to do the things that mattered most. I never sought the spotlight, and consequently got no rewards and limited recognition. I'd put myself out there just enough to improve my position, but every step was painful and hard. I gave everyone else more credit for being smarter, better, or more able to 'play the game'. 

This was behavior I arrived at to keep myself safe, and even though I'd do the "work" and spout affirmations, I continued to get in my own way. I felt it physically, in my chest and throat, like I was somehow stopped or trapped, and I didn't understand why. Because I was doing the work. 

What's underneath 

My dad died right after I was born and my parents weren't married—not acceptable at that point in our societal evolution. My father's mother and sister insisted I couldn't be his, and I didn't meet my dad's family until my early 20s after reaching out to them and asking if we were related (they said yes, thankfully). 

A 'goody-two-shoes' until I was 12, I did a 180 when I hit 13. I was the black sheep on my mom's side of my family before and after the 180 (each for different reasons). Throughout my childhood, my mom worked full-time, and many of my caretakers died during my formative years. My mom checked out emotionally and abdicated her role as a parent when my aunt died. I was 9. My grandfather died when I was 10, my grandmother at 12. 

I believed everyone who loved me left me. As an adult, my intellect told me they didn't leave because of me, but under the surface, my childhood internalization believed differently.  

I carried that belief beneath my awareness until 10 years ago. 

In high school, as mentioned in previous posts, while smart enough, I was the classic underachiever. Nobody cared. The ongoing message from teachers and other significant adults was that I'd never amount to anything. I was too much of a f*ck up. I was always in trouble, always looking for love, acceptance, and approval in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people. I had no appropriate role models. 

What I know now? I was ashamed. 

I carried the shame of being alive, of having no right to take up space, until 10 years ago.

There's no blame here

There's no blame here, nor do I regret my past or wish I could change it. I am who I am today because of my experiences and I am authentically grateful for all I've experienced, for where I am, and for what I have now.

And... you can bet I'm happy to say goodbye to those beliefs.

Ten years ago, my partner and I separated (a continuation of 'everyone that matters leaves me'). Thankfully, we both saw an amazing woman, separately, who guided us to understand how we got in our own way. 

I didn't know I carried that shame or had those beliefs. Beneath the surface, I felt unworthy and never good enough, even though I told myself this wasn't true. Whether I believed that or not, I can't say for sure. 

I knew these—and more—life events happened and were reason enough to have the not-good-enough not-worthy-enough beliefs. These are also common beliefs; most of us experience a version of them for part of our lives, if not all. 

But those weren't my core beliefs. There was more. That underlying, body-snatching, mind-numbing, deeply-buried but driving belief that I didn't belong here... that I had no right to take up space—these were new to me. And as soon as I saw them, I knew they were true. And they were cemented in shame.  

Why this matters

Unearthing these allowed me to see how I got in my own way, heal, and then change my circumstances for good. I still sometimes fight old patterns and behaviors; they were part of me for so long that they're deeply ingrained, and in many ways, they're still part of me. But now I can appreciate them; they're part of my shadow and give me perspective. I don't recall the last time I called myself stupid—a pattern I developed, likely learned, as a teen. Awareness is the critical first step to changing these. Now I take up space, ensure my voice is heard, and in turn, I make space for other unheard voices, too. 

Brené Brown, an expert on shame (I'm sure many of you have seen her TEDTalks on shame and vulnerability or read her books), gives this definition of shame in Dare to Lead:

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame drives two tapes: 1) Not good enough, and 2) Who do you think you are? 

These beliefs keep us small. We stay in the background, don't reach for our dreams, get complacent, get comfortable with comfort. We don't take risks. We rarely achieve our potential or fully share our gifts with the world. As she notes, we put our armor on and ultimately, suffocate. 

We fear change. 
We fear risk. 
Instead, we do what we think 
keeps us safe and we 
die inside a little every day.

Shame is universal

Brown also notes that we all have shame. She gives examples: we feel ashamed when we're laid off (✔), get divorced (✔), are sexually harassed or abused (✔✔) (even though it's not our fault), or when we feel proud of something and then we're told it wasn't all that by someone whose opinion counts (✔✔✔✔...). Maybe it's just feeling disconnected, that we're unable to keep up with everything around us (✔). I'm sure you have your own examples. Sometimes, these embed themselves within us before we're even cognitively aware. 

Still not sure how or if shame shows up for you? Shame is often masked as perfectionism, blaming, and the isms (e.g., workaholism, alcoholism).

How to change your experience

First, be clear. Shame isn't guilt. Shame says we're bad; guilt says we did something bad. Brown writes, "the opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing empathy." 

The only way to release shame's hold on us is to recognize it and talk about it. To allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and look under the proverbial hood at what makes us tick. Love yourself enough to ask the hard questions and do the hard work because it's worth it: 

• Ask yourself what you believe about yourself at your core, and then ask what's underneath that. Keep asking. Be honest. 
• Look at your life events and ask what you made them mean about yourself.
• Ask whose opinion mattered more than your own, especially growing up, and whether you still believe those opinions.
• Look at your core values and make sure they're your own. 
• Think deeply about what matters most, and if you're not doing it, ask the questions again and again.

If you're not achieving what matters to you, however you define it, you may have an old belief still holding you back and getting in your way. It's worth getting a little dirty to see what might be lurking behind your awareness. You may want to work with a therapist or coach; that's what made the difference for me. 

Compassion is empathy's cousin. Be sure to be compassionate with yourself because this is hard work. And these beliefs aren't our fault. That said, we're now responsible. While I firmly believe we create our circumstances, these beliefs weren't in our conscious awareness and were adopted or learned based on the best information we had at the time. Now, with new awareness, we can let go and unlearn, and ultimately, we won't suffocate, we'll soar.  

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

A simple mindset shift changes everything

Callas: a symbol of
purity or death,
depending on what you
believe: kill that self-
defeating self-talk and
replace it with pure goodness.

Louise Hay first taught me to "change my thoughts, change my life" back in the 1980s when she published You Can Heal Your Life. I've used this strategy many times since, although sometimes it takes me a while to get there. It's simple, but not easy, and my brain's been known to play tricks. 

For example, a simple abundance lesson... My self-talk around money for a long time was two-fold: there's never enough, and I can't afford it. I didn't have good money models growing up, with mom living paycheck to paycheck or on credit, with plenty of emotional shop therapy. I see now how our money mindsets are much deeper than they appear.  

Clarify your priorities...

Checking your mindset about money, your self-worth, and what you believe you deserve are all pieces of your financial well-being. When I finally let go of those two beliefs, and dug deeper around other beliefs that impacted my well-being, like what I can have and what I can't, my financial well-being improved. Now, I no longer say I can't afford it. Instead, I have choices: 

• this is or isn't how I want to spend my money; 
• it is or isn't a priority; 
• it is or isn't aligned with what I say I want... 
• and if it's something I really want but the money isn't in the bank, I can focus on creating better circumstances to get it. Once committed, providence moves... 

...But I'll add a caveat: We have to know the stories we tell ourselves and actively work to change them to change our experience. 

Rethink your words

I had a huge a-ha the other morning.

I mentioned in my last post I started a 10-day Life Optimization challenge, which starts out with some intense (for me, given how little I do lately) exercise. I found myself thinking, "I'm really out of shape." There's a Facebook member group where participants share our experience, and someone else wrote something similar. But coach and facilitator Ryan Niddel's response took that "change my thoughts, change my life" mindset to a new level for me.  

His response? Instead say, "It feels so good to be getting in shape again."

Mic drop. 

So simple, but so big.  

Change your energy...

When I shifted my focus, my energy changed immediately. Until then, my backstory was: this is a ton of work; I'm never going to get back in shape; I don't know if I can do this... and I was a little sad, frustrated and discouraged. But that one shift in self-talk changed everything. My energy level increased. I now feel encouraged and hopeful. The pain in my arms and abdominals almost feels good! At least, it's a very present reminder that I'm doing something good for myself.

Lily of the valley
symbolizes a
"return to happiness"

...Change your experience

Another story: A woman in the group didn't have all the ingredients for the green smoothie we added on day 2, nor the money to buy them. But on day 3, she decided she was worth the investment, and used the last of her money to buy the ingredients because of that mindset message. She looked radiant in the selfie she posted (selfies are required; yet another step out of my comfort zone). 

On his podcast, Ryan recently talked about a similar situation when looking for a new office. He has several options available, all at different price points, and the amenities that either do or don't come with that. As he ponders his choices... does he want to play small or step into something bigger? How will each of these options make him feel about his business? About going to work every day? What impact will his environment have on his productivity? Will spending more on something he truly desires create a better outcome? Will spending less contribute to playing smaller? 

These types of decisions have the potential to be self-fulfilling prophecies... Just sayin'... 

That's not to say we should behave irresponsibly, but how do we decide what's responsible or if it just keeps us safe and playing small? 

What we tell ourselves has consequences

These stories are worthy of consideration when we think about the messages we tell ourselves and the impact they have on our lives. Our self-talk affects our work, our relationships, how we live, even the friends we have. 

How does what you say in your head directly influence your actions, and your results? When you think about what you want your life to look like, and how you feel about yourself, are they in alignment? And if not, what do you need to do to close the gap? How can you change your thinking to change what you experience? 


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here. 

Never too late--don't wait!

Right before Seattle's 2019
#Snowmaggedon

As long as you're breathing, it's highly likely there's still time—time to fulfill those bucket list dreams.

Whether you have a legacy to carve, a book to write, a trip to take, a mountain to climb, a new role to play, very little, certain physical limitations aside, is truly impossible. 

Some of our dreams may look a little different now, may require some alteration. But impossible? Only if you believe they are.  

What matters most? That's a question I ask myself a lot because it helps me stay on track. 

When you're 80 or 90 years old, in the winter of your life with more years behind you than ahead, what do you want to see when you look back at those years? 


What motivates you? 

Most bucket list items require a willingness to let go of what was for what could be. They typically aren't part of our day-to-day, so they probably require a little risk taking, a bit of stretching, a sidestep out of our comfort zones. 

But as we cross those items off our list, we're stronger, better, smarter. We never stop growing or learning... unless we choose to. 

I'm all about meaningful learning and development, adventure, and freedom. These drive me, move me to action, and make life worth living for me, whether I'm learning a new skill, reading about a moment in time or a bold new future, absorbing a culture, walking a city end-to-end, hiking a woodsy island trail, exploring an unfamiliar destination, or quelling my curiosity about people and their motivations...  

At work, doing the same thing again and again is a motivation killer. But I'm old enough now that I mentor more than I'm mentored, so it's up to me to create opportunities to learn and stay engaged.  

What kills your motivation? What stops you from moving through your bucket list? Are you waiting for someone to pave the way or show you how? 

Don't wait. 

Don't wait... I think that's the advice my older self would give my younger self. To quote Nike, just do it. 

You've probably seen many of these before, but I'm going to put them out there as a reminder: 

• Fans of Little House on the Prairie, a popular 70s TV show, may not be aware that the first of this series of books was published by author Laura Ingalls Wilder when she was 64, encouraged by her daughter to document her early pioneer years. Mom and I never missed this show when I was a kid. How tame it was by today's standards! We all have stories... and you have yours to tell. 
• Famous chef Julia Child didn't learn to cook until she was in her 30s, and didn't publish Mastering the Art of French Cooking until she was 49. She was 51 when her public television show, The French Chef, debuted. And she wasn't even French. 
• The king of fried chicken, Colonel Sanders, didn't start his franchise behemoth until much later in life—he developed his beloved recipe when he was well into his 60s. 
• The oldest person to climb Mt. Everest was retired Japanese schoolteacher, Katsusuke Yanagisawa, who was 71, and the oldest to summit Mt. Rainier, Bill Painter, did so when he was 81. 
• The world's oldest female body builder, Ernestine Shepherd, now in her 70s, didn't even start working out until she was 56. My uncle was a body builder in his 20s, but put that on hold until he started lifting in his 50s. Now in his late 80s, he only recently stopped competing... and winning in his age class. 

If we do it right, with age comes experience and with experience comes wisdom. We've learned from our failures and our fuck ups, our small wins and big wins. Second, third, or even fourth act careers are sometimes the most satisfying, according to those who made the leap and tell the tales. 

Some of the most interesting and successful entrepreneurs didn't have a background in their new business; they wanted to bake, teach, learn, sew, paint, code, serve others, or just had an idea they wanted to pursue. They found the resources, learned what they needed to know, and, likely a step at a time, made it happen.  

The next best advice I'd give my any-age self? Try something new. If it looks appealing, seems interesting, or fascinates in some fashion, try it. You've got little to lose and a lot to gain. If you need more incentive, search success after (pick an age) and you'll find an endless array of inspiration. 

So, what are you waiting for? What steps can you take today that move you through your list, or get you closer to fulfilling a dream? Get specific, and make it happen!  




If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching, which you can find out more about here. 

6 tips to find your flow when you're not feeling it

We all have days when life feels harder than it should be. 

Every moment feels clunky, projects are full of fits and starts, nothing quite comes together. Frustration might be a little high, patience a little thin. Creativity is stymied. We're discontent--our bodies heavy, our minds unclear.

There's no flow. 

You know it doesn't have to be this way... isn't usually this way. You know what "being in the flow" feels like, and ... sigh ... wouldn't it be nice if you could be there now? 

The 1990 bestseller, Flow, describes it as optimal experience, a state of consciousness producing genuine satisfaction. It's not what happens to us that shapes our experience, but instead it's how we respond, or what we make it mean (the stories we tell ourselves). Flow underscores our happiness. When we're in flow, time disappears. When we're not, the clock barely moves and it feels like we'll never find flow again. But we will, and with attention, we can get it back sooner rather than later.  

Here are a few steps to make it happen.  

1) Notice it and name it. If you can, identify what's causing it. Are you sleep deprived, angry, irritated, worried, sad, depressed? Spinning over an issue? Unsure what action to take next? Think through all the possibilities and see what fits. 

2) Take several deep breaths. Notice your posture and what's going on in your body. Where are you holding tension? Are you slouching? Is your breathing shallow? If you journal, take a few minutes to do some stream-of-consciousness writing and see what shows up. 

3) Do something different. Give yourself a time-out, go for a walk, work out, or try "forest bathing" in a nearby park. Shift your perspective by shifting your attention and flood your body with oxygen and feel-good endorphins. The natural environment can be a quick fix.  

4) Say no. Is there something you're saying yes to where you'd be better served by saying no? We say yes when we mean no more often than we're aware of. It's an important part of self-care easily forgotten. There's no guilt in saying no. 

5) Remember what's most important. Let go of what isn't. Think about those you love, your dreams, an upcoming vacation, a favorite pet, or new shoes, if that's your jam. Are you holding on to a resentment? A slight? A judgment? If you're spinning on something--a comment said in passing, a misguided email, an unsolicited opinion--acting on it could do more harm than good, so let it go. Not everything requires--or deserves--a response. Sometimes it's just not worth it. 

6) Practice gratitude (it always comes back to gratitude). Be grateful for the experience, the sensations... because without one, there's no other. Without pain, there's no joy. Without hate, love would feel different. Maybe the no-flow is a disguised blessing, causing you to rethink or shift gears.   

A bonus tip: forgiveness. Sometimes we have to forgive others and ourselves for being human, for allowing ourselves to stay stuck in whatever's keeping us from our flow. It can take time to truly identify the cause, sit with it, and then finally be willing to let it go. If you're lucky, it may just be a function of time, and the need for a good night's sleep. 

Whatever it is, if all else fails, repeat my mother's mantra: This too shall pass. You know it will; it always does. Flow comes and goes, and there are lessons to be gained from everything. 

So, take a deep breath, slow down, reflect, and give yourself permission to start again later. 

You've got this.