Mindfulness moment

Beautiful British Columbia

We all need to disconnect now and then... from our jobs, our computers, our mobile devices. Many of us sit too much and spend too much time staring at small screens, and much of that time is spent consuming media, not creating. 

Our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being requires that we take time out. Time out spurs creativity and ingenuity, and is proven to lower our stress levels. 

Even though I practice various forms of self-care, I'm not always great about taking time away from the day-to-day, and I'm especially not good at disconnecting. But Forrest insisted I take time off, and he was right. I needed it. And oh-my-gosh was it pretty! If it weren't for the mosquitoes, I'd have stayed an entire week at this place. 

But because I can't, I captured a couple of moments to revisit when I need to stop, breathe, and decompress in a hurry. The creek was so loud, the fire is inaudible, and the rushing water is more reminiscent of white noise—but white noise has its benefits, too.  

Here you go:  

(Apologies to those who receive this by email; the video images above aren't visible and I don't know why... )

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Six months in: Take stock, celebrate wins, course correct

If left unchecked, weeds creep in
and keep our plants from thriving.
The same is true for our thoughts,
feelings and behaviors.    

We're just over six months into 2019, so it seems like a good time to stop, notice, and celebrate our wins so far this year, whether they're large or small.  

Celebrating success is motivating, no matter how small those successes. It's like the debt snowball Dave Ramsey talks about in his money makeover programs: pay off your smallest debt first, then tackle the next smallest. It builds a trail of success that has the potential to grow exponentially. 

Don't climb the wrong ladder...

It's also a great time to check and adjust. There's a saying about reaching the top of your proverbial career ladder, only to discover you climbed the wrong ladder... this applies whether you're climbing the ladder at work, pursuing a dream that you later discover wasn't yours, or doing something that doesn't align with your values.  

A few questions to ask yourself: Do the intentions you set in January still fit? Are you taking the right actions to reach your goals, dreams, and desires? What must you stop, start, or re-assess so that at the end of the year, you feel like you accomplished something important to you?  

We always want to stop and check in with ourselves to make sure we add meaning to our lives. If something isn't working or no longer fits, it's OK to stop doing it. You don't need permission. Re-set. Re-align. What daily actions might fit better than what you're doing now?  

Small wins

Most of my wins this year so far are small, but I'm OK with this. I'm making steady progress, creating and building, and I'm mostly consistent. 

This blog, for instance. I'm writing weekly and have since the first week of January—a challenge I set for myself. I'm building my writing muscle and learning to use my voice in ways I haven't before, about subjects I care about rather than the business topics I write about for work. I didn't know if I could do it, how it would shake out, or who would read it. None of that mattered when I started. 

I also count my new morning and evening rituals as small wins, something I started in early May but had to revisit in late June. How I initially set them up didn't work for me when I got hit with a headache; my new routines do. And they fit with my bigger intention of optimal health and well-being. 

Big wins

I don't have anything I'd classify as really big and tangible so far, but I have a few intangibles, and I'm taking action to land a big win or two by year's end. Those action steps include refining and more clearly defining my priorities, purpose, passions, and values, as well as my short- and long-term goals. These may seem like small wins, but collectively, they feel like and lead to a big win. I'm also setting up meetings to talk about work and life. Change is in the air, and that's a big win. 

Tend to your internal house or
it could end up like this place...
(Second Ave., Belltown, Seattle)

I found my voice this year in ways I didn't know I needed to. A coaching session revealed I'd benefit from taking up space and using that voice. I'm setting boundaries and stating my needs in ways I haven't before—at work, with friends, at home. Sadly, I lost a friend in the process, but I also gained a friend. Change creates change: when we alter who we are, those around us may react, or sometimes, they change, too. Sometimes, we just have to let go. 

I don't want to suggest that wins imply loss, because it's all perception. Loss is also winning. Anytime we gain new awareness, learn, shift our perception, and grow, we win. We really can't lose unless we choose to. 

Enable success

A tip to ensure progress, since we don't set intentions or goals, or have aspirations or dreams, with no desire to fulfill them, is to write everything down in a way you can measure where you are and what you must do to get where you want to go. This doesn't need to be complicated—keep a list in your phone, on your refrigerator, or whatever tracking method works best for you.  

The important thing is to make sure you're moving forward, by one small step or leaps and bounds, and if you're headed in the wrong direction, to course correct as soon as possible. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Grow your mind, body and spirit

Change is all there is

If you've ever been hit over the head with a two-by-four, figurative or literal, you know it hurts. And sadly, the hit of the proverbial kind often takes more than one to get our attention. Ideally, we learn and stay out of harms way the next time.  

That proverbial hit has happened to me more often than I care to admit—major moves, job changes, relationship trauma—but thankfully, I can also say I've experienced what the experts now call post-traumatic growth (a term I'm still not sure I like, even though I get the value of it). When we learn from events that cause what most of us know as PTSD, we develop new coping skills, grow our emotional intelligence, and ideally, grow our mind, body and spirit. 

To do this, though, we must be willing to shift our mindset. Most of us are more prone to be victims of our circumstances, rather than to view what happens as opportunities to grow. 

Blueprint for growth and change

Over the last week, I watched a five-part series called Transcendence, Live Life Beyond the Ordinary. The show is a comprehensive blueprint for change, challenging knowledge and beliefs pervasive throughout our north American culture. During one interview, Sean Stephenson, author of the international best seller Get Off Your 'But' asked himself after yet another fall, 'why him' and 'why again' when he broke more bones. Sean, who was born with a rare bone disorder, grew to just three feet and wasn't expected to live, is an extraordinarily accomplished human—because at one point, he changed his mindset.  

A few things he shared: 

• having a dream is more important than achieving a dream
• when something is upsetting or unfair, he's too zoomed in; he suggests zooming out and changing perspective—this isn't happening TO me, but FOR me
• ask, "what can I learn from this?"

While this post doesn't even remotely do justice to the show, which I highly recommend to anyone who's interested in living a more intentional, empowered life, here are a few other gems from this episode:

• To be fulfilled, apply effort now, enjoy pleasure later; to be gratified, seek pleasure now, but pay later
• Be an unrealistic human being; these are the people who chart the course for the rest of us (think Jobs, Bezos, et al)
• If we're unsure of our purpose, look at the pains we experienced as children and explore the gifts those pains may have provided us; these pains may lead us to what we're passionate about and where we feel purposeful 

To have a fulfilling life, there are three types of worthy pursuits: 

1. decide what experiences you want to have in your life
2. ask yourself and then list how you want to grow and evolve
3. consider where you want to make a difference and how you'll give back to the world... 

Reap the rewards... 

From Transcendence... 

I don't want to be hit upside the head again, so I actively work to grow mind, body, and spirit, and facilitate change when I know something isn't working anymore. I've felt that blow enough, and while tremendous good has come from each, I'd rather learn sooner and reap, not pay, big dividends. 

How about you? Feeling any change afoot? Areas where something no longer serves you? Know what you need to do but aren't yet willing to do it? My suggestion is to get on it, or it'll get on you. Seriously. 

Life is about change, and change is good. Without it, we'd all be stagnant, boring, and bored. Who wants that? 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I also have two openings available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Don't let your past dictate your future

Gardeners must always check and adjust;
moving plants for better light or drainage...
removing plants that no longer fit,
trying new things...  

Over the last several years, I've made many mindset changes to shift the trajectory of my experience and circumstances for the remainder of my life. Part of that is consistently reminding myself that I can't let my past dictate my future because that creates more of the same. If we want something different than what we've had, we have to do this work. 

One way I do that is to repeat the phrase, 'my future calls me in.'  

But even though I set goals and practice visualization, make vision boards of how I want my life to look and what I want to create, and actively do the other work necessary to grow—forgiveness (particularly self), release, and gratitude—I'm not sure I've known exactly what that means, feels like, or looks like in practice.  

Yesterday morning, I got it. 

Here's what happened, and how you can benefit, too...  

I've had a headache for three weeks.  

You read that right. Three weeks. Doctor said it's a tension headache. Just today, the start of the fourth week, it subsided. For three weeks, every day, I woke up at 4 a.m. with blinding pain, which then subsided by 10 a.m.  

And yes, this is relevant.

I attribute my headache to a number of things, but mostly to computer use. I had a few highly intense weeks at work with crazy deadlines that required doubling down on writing, editing, and online reading, which added a new level of tightness to my already-tight traps across my upper back. Couple this with some emotionally taxing events, an out-of-alignment atlas, and bad sinuses... 

When the headache hit, I was six weeks into a new morning routine and loving it. Waking up a little earlier to start my morning with 50 reps each of squats, push ups, and crunches (and trust me, I had to modify), a green smoothie, water, meditation, a hot/cold shower, and more... that 10-day challenge I wrote about previously. 

But the headache caused an abrupt halt to this, and just this weekend I found enough breathing space to think about what's possible in light of my circumstances. 

When things don't work, check and adjust

Borrowing a phrase from my almost-former colleague, the president who retires at the end of the month, I had to check and adjust. 

On Sunday I decided I could still do this, I just had to do it differently. So I further modified, including my timing. Before bed, I: 

• Do an adapted exercise routine with stretches
• Made my green smoothie for the next morning (for maximum nutrient retention, fill a jar to the rim and cover tightly)
• Continue my gratitude practice, sharing what I'm grateful for that day with my gratitude partner
• Take my hot/cold shower
• Place a hot pack around my neck
• Leave my phone in the living room and read a book instead—a change I wanted to make anyway but wasn't really motivated to do

Headache as catalyst...  

And my mornings: On Monday, after hitting snooze twice, I stumbled into the living room, unlocked my phone and went straight to Insight Timer for a previously selected breathing meditation. I did not pass go, nor did I collect $200... and I did not look at any of the notifications. And after 10 minutes of focused breathing, I wrote. 

That's where the magic happened. 

First, let me say that all this did not make my headache go away. I had a massage on Saturday (love me some Two Smiling Feet), and tortured myself with the foam roller a few times. I'll credit these, along with the newly added stretches, to booting out the headache. As noted earlier, today was the first morning it didn't cause a rude awakening. 

My future calls me in... 

I've read a lot lately about versions of 'future self journaling' (and here's one example from the Holistic Psychologist) and I thought that's what I would do on Monday morning. But what showed up was "the remembering process," a type of journaling I learned about while taking a class a couple of years ago at the spiritual center I go to. 

The book didn't move me; I found it tedious. And at the time, the process didn't come easy.  

But this time, it flowed. 

I wrote as though it was two-and-a-half years into my future, when the changes my partner and I have set in motion finally reach fruition, when those long-ago set dreams are at last fulfilled. 

It was so freeing. I felt light—something I haven't felt in a very long time. 

I wrote about our travel plans, about our house, our work lives, our health. In detail. For pages. And as I wrote it, I felt it as though I really was writing from the future. 

We must feel the change we want to create

A lot of us get this wrong. We're familiar with the new age-y, pop culture phenomena, 'change your thoughts, change your life,' and while that's important and it does create change, there's more that has to happen for real and lasting change.  

Creating what we want requires us to feel the changes to match the thoughts, and believe they're as true as our present moment. Where we're often tripped up is getting stuck in our heads, and not diving deep and uncovering those beliefs that undermine us. But when we do this, we can change anything. We can change our experience of our past so we're empowered and not victims. We can create from what we dream about rather than our previous experience. 

Our minds are pliable...

While by no means a neuroscience expert, I love reading about neuroplasticity and how our minds are capable of far more than we ever thought possible. 

Our minds can't differentiate between the immediate now and the 'now' we're feeling as though it were true. That's why the remembering process works. Our minds think this has already happened, so it, or the energy we are at our most base element, aligns with what we feel. 

The science is more complex, but the concept isn't. Give it a try and see what happens. Write as though you're already living your future—the delicious realization of your dreams, achieving your big, hairy, audacious goals (yep, that's BHAG), and believing it's as true as the air you're breathing this very moment. 

What would you write if these were true and done?  If you feel like it, share your experience in the comments. I'd love to hear about your experience.  

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Berry delicious

Fresh-picked raspberries; pic does
not do bowl size justice...

It's the season for fresh berries, and here's a great tip for preserving that just picked flavor: make fruit leather! We tried this a couple of years ago and a friend liked it so much she said we should package it and sell it. Dang. Now that's a vote of confidence. 


Easy, healthy and delicious snack

While I can't take credit for making it myself, I picked the berries and then watched the procedure, and it's pretty darned easy. Blend fresh berries with SCOBYs  from your homemade kombucha, spread thinly on parchment paper or silicone drying sheets, and place in a dehydrator on low for about 10-12 hours (or in the oven if you don't have a dehydrator).

Finished product, coming off the silicone sheets

You can read some fun editorial along with instructions in Bon Appetit (go figure!), or on the Wellness Mama blog. Unlike Bon Appetit, though, we didn't use kombucha in the mixture, and we didn't add any herbs for flavor, as Wellness Mama did, nor did we add sugar (I don't think it's needed). 

Once the fruit mixture is sufficiently dry, wrap it in wax or parchment paper (if you used silicone sheets), then store in glass or plastic. This deliciousness will keep indefinitely; it'll last an entire year if stored in the freezer, assuming you can keep it around that long. Not only does it taste like fresh raspberries, but you'll do your microbiome a favor with the probiotics from the SCOBY. 

Thirst quencher

And here's a quick idea for a refreshing beverage, thanks to my cousin Gin, co-host of the YouTube channel, Almost Homestead. They have a cabin in the Cascade Mountain foothills, near Mt. Index, and they have great tips for living more sustainably. 

An easy and refreshing beverage

Place fresh fruit or berries in a Mason jar, add some sugar and fresh cut ginger, fill with water and put the lid on. Let it sit a couple of days, giving it a shake here and there, and then drink. It's a flavorful sparkling soda, with no nasty additives. You can refill with water and add more sugar to the mix at least a couple more times. 


We interrupt this program... 

Honestly, this post could have been about self-preservation after the few weeks I've had, but berries are a much lighter and prettier topic. And this blog is all about growing, after all, whether it's growing things or growing self. 

Onward. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Extra grace required...

While some may call these weeds,
some of us appreciate their presence.

Extra grace required... 

I heard this statement on Sunday at the spiritual center I often attend. The talk that day was a Father's Day tribute to all the men who love, nurture, and teach. 

My grandfather was my father figure; he left the mortal plane when I was 9. But love, nurture, and teach he did during those scant short years, and his lessons and love endured. I am forever grateful. That said... In the coming years, starting at about age 12, I needed a whole lot of extra grace.  

Thankless work 

Parenting is a lot of work at the best of times, and while there are countless books available about how to do it better, it's one of those things we only learn through experience. While I don't have children of my own, I dipped my toes into that icy water during a stint as a step-mom. To say I needed extra grace, as did my step-daughter, would have been an understatement at the time. 

We will all need extra grace at one time or another. And likely many times over; as humans, we're all just making it up as we go.  

Our deepest desire is to be loved

Extra grace came up while talking about love: Those who are easy to love need our love the least because they love themselves; those who are hard to love need our love the most. And they need extra grace, because they don't love themselves.  

Referencing the biblical verse from the book of Matthew, love your enemies, we were asked from the podium if we could all think of someone who was hard to love (including those holding high political offices). Um, yeah... I can think of a few. While the center isn't Christian- nor Bible-based, the Good Book occasionally comes up as a source of wisdom and lessons, filled with great stories and parables from which we can all learn, even if we question their validity as truth.  

Tough love, love tough...

We also heard a few examples. One in particular stood out: Blues musician Daryl Davis, a black man, armed himself with knowledge and then befriended Klansmen, which eventually led to at least 200 of them giving up their robes. Initially brought together through music, he took the time to listen, talk, and learn, and yes, extend grace.  

This reminded me of a story I read a while ago about Derek Black, a former white nationalist and son of Stormfront's founder, one of the most extreme hate groups in the country. Derek was being groomed by the Klan's grand wizard to be the next leader of the movement. But while attending college in Florida, Derek hooked up with a new set of friends who were gay, Jewish, and immigrants. Love, knowledge, and grace made him see the light and walk away from hate. You can read his words here in the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Report.  

While these are extreme examples, we all know people who need extra grace. With a little bit of grace, change is possible. And if the seemingly worst of the worst can be granted grace by those they've harmed, can't we all do that? 

And again, gratitude... 

I count my blessings every day for the grace I've been given over time: for losing my temper, doubting myself, doubting others, acting out, outright failing at life sometimes. I am as human as the rest of us, after all. And the only way we continue to grow and expand is to be, do, and say—for which there's no real blueprint. Mistakes are inevitable;  hence, grace. 

Love your enemies... bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you... 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

What to do when tempers flare

BC Ferries - loading at Tsawwassen

I didn't realize it at the time but I got to practice a 'light' version of a crucial conversation the other day. It wasn't all that crucial, really, but after the fact, I realized it fits the format described in the book, Crucial Conversations. 

I am amused by this. 

One of the hardest things couples do is negotiate and compromise. It doesn't come naturally but it can be learned, and it's essential to a lasting relationship unless you want to live in a perpetual stalemate. 

Who gets to be right? Is it worth it? 

OK, so why I'm amused... 1) because of the seeming pettiness of the argument, 2) how quickly it spiraled downward, 3) the awareness that it could have become so much worse, and been about all kinds of other old hurts or beliefs, and 4) that I saw this so clearly and quickly right after it happened. 

Seek to understand... 

My SO and I are planning a trip to Victoria for the Celebration of Life for a friend's partner (I wrote about my recent ill-fated visit here). SO wants to take the Victoria Clipper. I want to drive and go by way of the Tsawwassen ferry terminal.  

Twice this came up in conversation, and twice it led to a near-fight because we couldn't agree. Twice we both walked away before the fight became real, tempering ourselves, noting there's no right answer when we both want what we want in the heat of it. Full disclosure, though: At one point I even told him I'd go by myself, or that he could take the Clipper and I'd meet him there (emotional intelligence, anyone?). I also stated we have more time than money right now, and he reminded me I really don't have a lot of time, either. 

So, shortly after the last escalation, I calmly explained my rationale for driving (secret agenda: I wanted to be understood, and ideally, have him change his mind). 

That prompted him to explain his rationale for the Clipper (did I seek to understand? Sadly, in that moment, no... but I listened). 

Time vs money vs adventure

Him: He has grown to hate going to Tsawwassen—it's nearly two hours to the border, there's the border crossing, the ferry wait, and then the hour-and-a-half long ferry. It's not cheap, although right now the dollar is in our favor (part of my argument for). And, he wants adventure; he tries to never go the same way twice if there's an alternative, and he's adamant I need that, too (shhh... he's right). And finally, he's never taken the Clipper. 

Gulf Islands, BC, in between Tsawwassen
and Sidney, BC (ferry landing for
Victoria)

Me: I want to drive so I have my car when we're there, in part to run errands for my friend if needed and to not add to her burden by having to pick us up or drive us around. Driving and taking the ferry from Tsawwassen takes more time, especially if there's a ferry wait, but it's also less expensive. The Clipper is inflexible; we're stuck to a very specific round trip schedule, which makes me feel a little like a caged cat. 

Light bulb! 

Um... well... there are other options we hadn't considered, not readily remembered. Neither alternative is particularly convenient but each potentially addresses both needs. There's the Blackball ferry, Coho, from Port Angeles to Victoria, which we nixed because of both cost and time, but there's also a Washington state ferry from Anacortes to Victoria. 

Us: I can reserve my space and bring my car, it's not more expensive to choose one way (and keeps our options open for the return trip), it's a route neither of us have taken, it's through a different set of islands, and while it takes as much time as the BC ferry and we'll be up before dawn to drive to Anacortes, it's a little less expensive than either of the other options. 

Remember the why... 

It's all about the why, my friends. When we're trying to solve problems, big or small, with significant others, friends, coworkers, or anyone, really... when we can step back from the 'what', let go of the need to be right, and explore the 'why'... we often see a new path that satisfies both. 

Or, as Richard Bach wrote in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, "...look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly." 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

16 simple steps to change your past and create your future

Where do you
want to go? 

I've spent a lot of time working on mindset and on letting go of my past. I had plenty of stuff happen to me throughout my life, particularly my teen years, as I've written about here on occasion. 

There are days I still feel like I'm far behind where I could have been if I'd had better parents, better teachers, better role models. But I didn't. And as an adult, I am the only one responsible for where I am in my life. Sure, I was a little slow off the mark. I'd like to be financially independent like some of my high school mates. But I'm alive, and some of those high school mates aren't. There are no guarantees. 

We all make choices, even if they're unconscious. Our patterns and beliefs served us at points in time. We developed coping skills and habits to move us along in the world. But at some point, we have to look at whether these continue to serve us or hinder our progress. A lot of the time, they stop us from having the life we want. 

Our roadmap

I've written about Landmark's Forum, too. A few questions I took away, all those years ago, are:

• what did you make it mean?
• what's the payoff?

What those two questions refer to are the incidents that happened to us and the meaning we assigned them. Even pre-verbal, we can assign meaning to something that directly impacts our self-worth, but most often, it's something that happened when we were kids. Sometimes it's truly something heinous. I totally get that. I had a few of those things. Big things. Things I'm still not comfortable writing about here. But at some point, we have to decide if that's the roadmap we want.  

Problem is, a lot of us don't even know it's a map. But it is. How we interact with our past shows up in how we interact with the world. Is the world a friendly place? Is there enough to go around? How do you make your presence known? Do you often feel bad about what happened to you, or someone else? (Just so you know, they may be over it...)

Change your story...

We CAN change our past. No, we can't change what happened, but we can change how we see it, feel about it, and our response to it, which really does change it. Our minds are amazing things... We have the power. 

Edwene Gaines, a Unity minister in Alabama, overcame a life of poverty and tells her compelling life story in The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity. In a vignette that illustrates the power of changing our story about something that happened, she talks about changing her consciousness around sexual abuse, and the gift of an understanding heart that came from that. That's huge. I'm not suggesting you do that, but, how we view our past plays out in our future in one way or another.  

It's worth doing the deep work to uncover these beliefs, habits, world views, and coping mechanisms. Because if we don't know they're there, they will drive us based on that existing map, full of potholes and dead ends, and keep us from getting where we want to go. Or at least, it'll take a lot longer to get there.  

Don't believe me? Try it.  

Simple, but not easy

So, in that vein, I have a list of steps for your consideration that can help you change your past and create your future. They're things to note and things to do, all simple, but not easy: 

1. When you focus on whatever happened in your past, you give it power
2. When you focus on that past event, you give it meaning
3. Consider: how real and true is the meaning you gave it? was it someone else's opinion, and if yes, why did their opinion matter, and does it still? 
4. Now: assign new meaning to whatever happened to you—what good came from what happened? Feel it, believe it, know it in your bones. Make it real. 
5. And, devalue whoever else's opinion played in, because their opinion has less weight than yours; you are the expert on your life and who you are
6. Ask yourself: what's the payoff? Do you still get value by reliving what happened? For example, some of us like to be right, and by living in our past, we get to be right, or we get to be a victim, and not take responsibility for where we are in your lives
7. Ask yourself: what did you learn from what happened to you that has value for you now
8. Own that something good came from your experience
9. Forgive anyone who harmed you, or yourself, for harming yourself or others
10. When old tapes start to play restating that meaning, or that opinion, hit the stop button on your internal stereo
11. Put in a new tape that brings you joy; what do you want to tell yourself instead? You get to make it up, just like you did the first time, only this time with more wisdom and knowledge to draw from
12. Give yourself room to dream and create a better future
13. Decide that you deserve to have better problems, and that you can't carry the world on your shoulders
14. Do what's yours to do and let go of the rest, trusting that we all have something we can do, and we do it the best we can
15. Stop caring what anyone else thinks, and let go of the need for permission; chances are, if you're reading this, you're an adult, and you don't need permission, and anyone else's opinion of you or your actions is none of your business
16. Remember: all that old stuff doesn't serve you now unless you're getting a payoff, and then you have to ask if the payoff is worth it. All that old stuff showed up to keep you safe, but if you want to grow, evolve, and flourish, you have to change your mind about your experience and give it new meaning.

And a bonus step: To quote Richard Bach in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, "argue for your limitations and they're yours."


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

The art and practice of forgiveness

Roses are the flowers of love,
a true love stronger than thorns. 
Forgiveness is the ultimate
act of love. 

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we do, along with self-compassion. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting, or letting someone off the proverbial hook. But it is about letting go, and creating space for peace of mind. 

Forgiveness also isn't about doing something for someone else; while it is a gift to them, it's an even bigger gift to yourself. 

Practicing forgiveness

I had an experience last weekend that took me by surprise, and triggered an emotional response that I in no way expected. 

So now, I'm trying to find space within myself to forgive: my friend, who's grieving a major loss and lashed out in anger, and myself, for not anticipating that something I said could be received in a way I hadn't intended, and for my teary and completely befuddled and reactive response. I believe fully that the few words I chose were said with no intent to minimize or take away from her in-the-moment experience. And, that's how they landed.     

...Holding space

Holding space for someone isn't easy. It's being present and allowing what is to just be. It's stillness, understanding, grace, and getting our egos out of the way. It's also forgiveness. 

As Amy Wright Glenn writes in Holding Space, On Loving, Dying and Letting Go, we fear holding space in part because we don't want to say the wrong thing. "We don't want to add to the pain and suffering." Of course we don't. I certainly didn't. And yet, even though my words came from love, and while in no way meant to add to or even ease suffering, they were heard in ways I didn't and couldn't predict.  

Under normal circumstances, my friend would assume positive intent... (the only kind of assumption we should ever make, by the way, and one we should make often), but grieving such a loss isn't a normal circumstance. 

Letting go...

Surrender. Forgive. Let go. Those are the words that keep coming up for me as I process my own experience this last weekend. We all do the best we can in any given circumstance with the knowledge and capability we have. I know this to be true, in this case for her and for me; I also know "one's best" may be different every day, every moment, and that not everyone will see one's best in the same same way.  

Relationships are truly the hardest things we do, and there are times when I want to throw up my hands and say, "I'm done!" and isolate like my mother did. But that's not the answer. 

Practicing presence

Show up. Listen. Witness. That's what we do for the grief-stricken. I did those things, as well as cried, held, and honestly said few words.  

I'm not a therapist, and I know better than to wear my coaching hat when not asked. I showed up as a caring friend and nothing more. And yet, my few words were interpreted as the wrong words, words that apparently felt invalidating and unsupportive of her feelings and her need to be present with them, pushing her along before she was ready. 

I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't invalidate or not support. We must go through our experience, and the more we can dive in, bathe in it, breathe it in, the more meaningful and powerful it will be for us. It's necessary—and yes, it's necessary for healing. 

Because we do heal from loss and grief. 

And while loss stays with us until we, too, say goodbye to the mortal plane, it won't always be our daily moment-by-moment experience—hard as that may be to hear when we're right there in it. We must stay in those depths for as long as it takes. There is no timeline for grief, and there are no shortcuts. The one caveat—if after a period of time (for many, it's typically one to two years), we're still overcome with sadness and can't find joy in any part of our lives, we may need to get help from a skilled outside source.  


The tension of opposites...

There is both beauty and anguish in grief. I know this from personal experience; I've had many losses throughout my life—most of my immediate family, many extended family members, and some of my closest friends have died too young, lost to disease, drugs, depression, and accidents. In my earlier days, I endured huge abandonment issues that still show up on my very worst days. 

What I know most of all is how grief shows up differently for all of us. We each have our own process, and it's even different each time. There is no pushing through. We must feel what we feel, because there are consequences if we don't. 

So... we must give ourselves and those we love a lot of grace, and the room to make mistakes—we must hold space for and forgive again, and again, and again. Because dammit, there is no great love without great loss. 

Onward. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Practicing impermanence

Callas are symbols of both rebirth
and death. They die back each year,
but the next year, they're stronger,
more beautiful, and more plentiful
than the year before. 

I am reminded this month of life's impermanence. Although I believe we are all energy, and energy can't be created or destroyed and only changes form, as humans on this mortal plane, we are impermanent. 

So as in life, so as in death.  

As humans, we are ever-changing, moment-by-moment, with every breath. As humans, we attach identity and meaning, but we choose these, either consciously or unconsciously. 

Our circumstances are also impermanent. And this is all good news.  

May is a month of anniversaries for me: the week after Mother's Day is the anniversary of my mom's death—this year marks 19 years. Her sister, who preceded her in death by several years, also left her earthly body in May. There are more. 

I currently have friends who just lost or are about to lose their closest relationships—one whose father recently transitioned, another whose parents are nearing their final days, and another whose date with death is literally planned through a MAID, or Medical Assistance in Death. It's not an easy time for many. 


The gift of presence


Death is hard for those who are left behind. 

On the same side of anguish, however, is presence. Death changes us, marks us, and shifts our perspective, reminding us of our own impermanence. Which makes today, our present moment, that much more meaningful and precious. 

On the other side of anguish is gratitude—for the moment, for our current experience, and for the future we still get to create. For the memories and gifts of those who left. 

On the other side of loss is forgiveness—for words unsaid, deeds undone, and grace not given. 

Parallel to pain is beauty—without pain, we cannot experience joy, happiness, contentment, nor peace. 

Perspective...

Physical loss is real, however the gifts that accompany that loss never leave us. We gain perspective. We grow appreciation. We soften over time as memories fade but feelings remain. We gain compassion and empathy, and are more likely to see others from a widened point of view.  

And, just as we are impermanent, so are our circumstances. There are other losses in my life right now. Changes at work and home, with friends and family. 

Change has many benefits... 

Impermanence serves us. We are not stuck. We can change how we think about our experience, change our response, and see our circumstances through a new lens.  

While loss of loved ones is truly one of the hardest things ever, I will always be grateful for change. Change is hopeful. Change is interesting, bringing meaning, substance and expansiveness from which we grow and learn. I wouldn't want to be the person I was in my youth, or even 20 years ago. Ugh! I am SO grateful for change. I have gained wisdom and experience that only comes with age and change. 

Good, bad, or otherwise, change happens, and our best option, for our highest and greatest good, is to find our way to peace with that. We must go through—there is no shortcut. If you're struggling with change, or the idea of impermanence, Buddhist sage Pema Chodron may be the preeminent authority and her foundation has many useful resources. 

Embrace what is...

We must embrace the anguish, the bittersweet experience that engulfs all loss. Mourn what was. Miss our loved ones. And trust that on the other side, life has its sweet rewards. There are still precious memories to make. Experiences to have. People to meet. I love yous to say. We will grow through loss, gain much, and love ourselves and each other that much more for it.  

Without impermanence, there would be no life.  


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.