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| BC Ferries - loading at Tsawwassen |
I am amused by this.
One of the hardest things couples do is negotiate and compromise. It doesn't come naturally but it can be learned, and it's essential to a lasting relationship unless you want to live in a perpetual stalemate.
Who gets to be right? Is it worth it?
OK, so why I'm amused... 1) because of the seeming pettiness of the argument, 2) how quickly it spiraled downward, 3) the awareness that it could have become so much worse, and been about all kinds of other old hurts or beliefs, and 4) that I saw this so clearly and quickly right after it happened.
Seek to understand...
My SO and I are planning a trip to Victoria for the Celebration of Life for a friend's partner (I wrote about my recent ill-fated visit here). SO wants to take the Victoria Clipper. I want to drive and go by way of the Tsawwassen ferry terminal.
Twice this came up in conversation, and twice it led to a near-fight because we couldn't agree. Twice we both walked away before the fight became real, tempering ourselves, noting there's no right answer when we both want what we want in the heat of it. Full disclosure, though: At one point I even told him I'd go by myself, or that he could take the Clipper and I'd meet him there (emotional intelligence, anyone?). I also stated we have more time than money right now, and he reminded me I really don't have a lot of time, either.
So, shortly after the last escalation, I calmly explained my rationale for driving (secret agenda: I wanted to be understood, and ideally, have him change his mind).
That prompted him to explain his rationale for the Clipper (did I seek to understand? Sadly, in that moment, no... but I listened).
Time vs money vs adventure
Him: He has grown to hate going to Tsawwassen—it's nearly two hours to the border, there's the border crossing, the ferry wait, and then the hour-and-a-half long ferry. It's not cheap, although right now the dollar is in our favor (part of my argument for). And, he wants adventure; he tries to never go the same way twice if there's an alternative, and he's adamant I need that, too (shhh... he's right). And finally, he's never taken the Clipper.
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| Gulf Islands, BC, in between Tsawwassen and Sidney, BC (ferry landing for Victoria) |
Me: I want to drive so I have my car when we're there, in part to run errands for my friend if needed and to not add to her burden by having to pick us up or drive us around. Driving and taking the ferry from Tsawwassen takes more time, especially if there's a ferry wait, but it's also less expensive. The Clipper is inflexible; we're stuck to a very specific round trip schedule, which makes me feel a little like a caged cat.
Light bulb!
Us: I can reserve my space and bring my car, it's not more expensive to choose one way (and keeps our options open for the return trip), it's a route neither of us have taken, it's through a different set of islands, and while it takes as much time as the BC ferry and we'll be up before dawn to drive to Anacortes, it's a little less expensive than either of the other options.
Remember the why...
It's all about the why, my friends. When we're trying to solve problems, big or small, with significant others, friends, coworkers, or anyone, really... when we can step back from the 'what', let go of the need to be right, and explore the 'why'... we often see a new path that satisfies both.
Or, as Richard Bach wrote in Jonathan Livingston Seagull, "...look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."
If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.
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