Convergence: the wise words of Death, and decade reflections

A stairway to... somewhere? 

"It gets under your skin, life..." said Death. "Speaking metaphorically, of course. It's a habit that's hard to give up. One puff of breath is never enough. You'll find you want to take another." 

This, from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, a twisted take on a Christmas story that I faithfully watch every year. 

Discworld is no Planet Earth, but BBC brings this other world into clear focus, and while entertaining, it also offers keen insights and intriguing perspective we can apply here, too, on our spinning round ball.  

A heartwarming tale, though the villain is truly villainous and not for the faint of heart, Death gets some of the best lines in the three-plus hours—worth considering as we close out both a year and a decade. 

"You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?" 

Some of the major themes I wrote about this year: create your future, the role of mindset, and the power of beliefs (conscious or not). 

We must believe: 1) in ourselves, 2) in our capabilities) 3) that we create based on what we want and not what we've done or what's necessarily true, 4) that we deserve our good, and 5) that the universe, or life force, or divine energy—whatever you want to call it—conspires for our highest and greatest good. 

It's important to note that we often get in our own way, usually without knowing it. It's those underlying beliefs that hold us back, the self-talk we don't notice or don't give credence to, and persistent patterns and habits that no longer support us. 

We can create the life we want. Sometimes we have to #dohardthings first, though, which usually includes a thorough self-audit, and there is this thing, I believe, called Divine Right Timing. Self-awareness is critical to growth and change. It requires deep reflection, soul-trembling honesty, and a willingness to let go of who we are for who we can be. 

"Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom?" 

Life is precious, and while I don't believe we should always be busy, always striving, nor always productive, I do believe curiosity is a superpower—one that consistently helps us grow and moves us forward. It's one of mine, and one I'm deeply grateful for. 

What do you wonder about? Are you curious about why you've made the choices you have? Are you curious enough to realize you've made choices your entire life, and the results of those choices are why you do what you do, live how you do, and determine who you have around you? What about the world-at-large fascinates or befuddles you? 

As far as we know, or at least as far as we can conceive consciously, we have this one life, and it's up to us to make it what we want it to be. We can live in ignorance and blame the world for our situations and be victims of our circumstances, but we'll perpetuate the life we're already living. It won't get better. We can 'create better problems', as author and blogger Mark Manson writes about. 

There are endless places and ideas to explore, things to try, entire libraries to delve into, new people who cross your path every day who have a different story than your own, and now, in our digital world, podcasts and new music to listen to, and encyclopedic volumes of information at our fingertips. I've mentioned my sociology professor before, who often said: See everyone as your guru of the moment. In other words, everyone has something to teach us, even when it isn't immediately apparent. 

What do you want to know more about? 

"There is always time for another last minute... there's no better present than a future... "

My birthday, the winter solstice, Christmas, and year-end all arrive within two weeks of each other. I take this convergence to mean it's a powerful time for me—a time to go deeper than usual, to reflect, assess what I've learned and what about the last year had meaning, and set intentions for creation and change in the, or my, new year. A Christmas birthday can be hard—I've had a lot of stories around it that aren't supportive... but shifting my thinking to one of convergence is how I've not just finally made peace with it—my initial thinking—but how it truly works in my favor. 

We can all do this, whether at year-end, around your birthday, or whenever it makes sense. But now, as we close out a decade, it can be helpful to take a look back as you think ahead. 

Could you have ever imagined, 10 years ago, where you'd be now? Whether you observe it / judge it to be good or bad, is this what you had in mind for your life?  

Ten years ago, I could barely see beyond what was immediately in front of me. Forrest and I had separated and didn't know if we'd be back together. I started a new job, and my first six months were rocky. I had a balloon payment due on my mortgage and had been out of work following a layoff when the 2008 recession hit, so even my home was at risk. 

While I had plenty of self-awareness and had been doing a lot of this work for a lot of my life, suddenly, nearly everything was in question. 

And, I was intentional. I got very clear when this all seemed to happen at once that something still wasn't working. I recognized I had beliefs and patterns and habits that kept me stuck, including that life was hard, I didn't believe I belonged here, and that I couldn't have what I wanted. 

So, with help, hard work, a lot of soul-searching and solitude, I changed all that. And here we are, at the end of one and the start of another decade. There are some outward similarities, but on the inside, I'm a different person. Just as much of our bodies regenerate every seven or so years, so too, have I regenerated my beliefs, my thinking, and my actions. 

That's a lot to celebrate. And it's important to acknowledge what we consider success. I can build on this as I look ahead to 2020, and the decade in front of me.   

No matter our condition, that we are living, breathing, evolving individuals all connected through an energetic system invisible to the eye, is nothing short of miraculous, considering the complexity of our very existence.

What do you want in these last minutes of this, our second decade of the 21st century? As Death so wisely stated, there's no better present than a future. How can you set the stage for an awesome 2020, and the next decade? 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Ready, set... reset

I took this photo when I stayed here 6 years ago, 
and my 'seagull series' remains a favorite. 
This may have even been from the 
same balcony. 

A storm came up on my Thursday drive to Cannon Beach, Oregon from Seattle, with unrelenting high wind and pelting rain until Saturday morning. I hunkered down in my hotel room—a good thing since I paid extra for that ocean-front view this time.  

I'm deeply in need of a reset: body, mind, spirit... from diet to finances to... well, right now it feels like everything. This place is magic for me: open ocean, crashing waves, lengthy beaches, monolithic sea stacks, a delightful town center, fantastic local food, and, were I to venture farther, more charming pocket towns to explore along the coast just a short drive away.  

Revisiting self-care

How I reset can take different forms, depending on my current experience: stream-of-consciousness writing, journaling, reading, walking, meditating, a change in diet, or as of this moment, staring at and listening to the ocean, sitting next to the fire. Sometimes just a change in scenery has a powerful impact.  

I came here loaded with books, a journal and notepads, my laptop, tea, a swimsuit and running shoes, my camera, and nourishing things—because I don't yet know what "reset" requires.  

I use Insight Timer nearly every morning to help me meditate, a practice I aim for but can't say I'm good at, but sets the tone for my day. Lately, I'm not very focused, so I need that "me time." 

Waking up

A friend pinged me with some urgency before I left to suggest I listen to Sam Harris, both his podcast Making Sense and his Waking Up meditation course during this reset. His timing was perfect.  

On the drive, I listened to Sam's podcast with Roland Griffiths, Ph.D., a Johns Hopkins University professor of psychiatry and neuroscience. He's doing extraordinary work with psychedelics. Researchers today are building on work that started in the 1940s but got sidelined in the '60s; sadly, recreational psychedelic use freaked out the powerful who then killed the research. Thankfully, research now shows intriguing results for those who suffer from otherwise hard-to-treat conditions, like PTSD. Michael Pollan ("eat food, mostly plants, not too much") speaks to this in How to Change Your Mind.  

I also started Sam's Waking Up course to help unwind, regroup, and regenerate. 

Year-end intention

That's my intention for the next two weeks: regroup, reset, regenerate. 

This year-end reset ritual is a regular practice, although how I do it differs each year. My birthday (Dec. 19) and winter solstice—the shortest day and longest night of the year—marks the beginning of my self-reflection—my own new year. For many cultures, this is a solstice tradition; both solstice celebrations and Christmas are grounded in pagan rituals. (Here's an inspiring travel article.)

My prompts for thinking and writing: 

• What do I want my life to look like, particularly the year ahead?
• Are there themes to focus on? 
• Beyond goals, what intentions must be set? 

My birthday dessert, 
Stephanie Inn
chocolate pot-de-creme

Solitude and time alone are requirements, away from distractions and what's familiar.  

I need to breathe, walk, meditate, read, eat well, write, and sleep.... and this weekend, stare at the ocean and listen to the surf.   

Just 'be' 

Sometimes just being is enough. We're always doing, so not doing is essential. Early in Sam's Waking Up course, he quotes Socrates: A life unexamined is not worth living. Or at least, he adds, it may be worth living, but it's not very interesting. Our purpose is to grow and evolve, and we must just be to integrate learning, let go, and recalibrate. 

#soulretreat #selfcareishealthcare #healthcareisselfcare 



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What to do when you don't know what to do

As we begin the close-out of another year, there's no shortage of things that must be done. There's an urgency in the air, no matter how few obligations you actually have. That's true for me, at least, with no parents or children (other than my "little" through Big Sisters) that come with requirements.  

And still, year-end to-do lists are lengthy. There are still presents to make, purchase, wrap, package, give, or mail; cards and notes to write and send; holiday parties and people to see; goals and intentions to revisit or finish; year-end work projects, reports, and expenses to submit; and of course, prepping for the weather as winter officially arrives. 

Too-long to-do lists can be paralyzing. Even when it's self-generated. 

Do one thing... 

I occasionally read Marc and Angel Hack Life, a blog with over 100k followers, who advise their readers and clients when they're in this place to do just one thing: wash their dishes. 

When the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean, it's much easier to prioritize and see what's next. 

One go-to tactic is putting away clutter. Anything not in its rightful place gets put where it needs to be--hanging up coats, neatly stacking overflowing books and magazines... this is especially necessary if you live in a small space. 

Another tactic: keep a paper shopping bag tucked away for unwanted items to take to a charity shop or in some other way rehome. 

Bigger projects, or space to dream 

When we do our dishes and put away clutter, we make space in our heads. An uncluttered mind creates space for new ideas, projects, or just regenerating. Perhaps there's a side hustle you want to launch? 

Without the distractions of clutter and mess, your goals, dreams, and ideals have more room to flourish. 

As we approach the end of another year, it's the perfect time to reflect. What no longer fits, literally and figuratively? What no longer supports you, your goals, or your dreams? Hindsight is a great teacher: look back at the year and see what worked, what didn't, when you were thriving, when you were learning, and what you were doing. Everything is information, and we have to allow ourselves to process and access it. 

Here's a helpful exercise: 

• take a piece of paper, fold it in thirds
• write in the first column something you remember about the year that had meaning for you
• write in the second column why it had meaning and what you learned
• write in the third column what about that want or don't want to take into the new year with you. 

Let that guide you as you set goals or intentions for the coming year. 

Start with your dishes. Then take the next step. 

If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

How good can you stand it?

My idea of bliss

My cousins and I met this morning for our semi-annual Christmas breakfast at Fishermen's Terminal. Pondering the lengthy menu, we all noted we don't eat much for breakfast these days, but it was still a good idea. It's not quite a tradition but gives us quality time together, a rare thing these days. 

There were fewer of us this year. Over warm citrus scones, we reflected on our family. One cousin recently turned 60, and we noted how she's now lived longer than her mom and two sisters—gone before they turned 60.   

We acknowledged how grateful we are. We're generally healthy in mind and body, working, and in relationships that work for us. And we weren't cursed with addictive or destructive patterns like some who prematurely left this plane. What a gift.  


Creating more good

We're now in the throes of the holiday season... a time for giving as well as receiving. While I consume less than I used to, I find joy in finding just the right gift for someone I care about. And, I find giving so much easier than receiving. Part of emotional growth is learning to accept a gift graciously, even or especially when not reciprocated, whether it's a wrapped package, a compliment, or an act of kindness.  

What helped? Understanding the law of circulation: it feels good to give, which has a ripple effect, and if we give and don't receive, we'll get depleted.  

Acknowledging our good

Whether a daily gratitude practice or just counting your blessings as you see them, good begets good. As is true for most of us, my life is hardly perfect, but it's the hard things that ultimately make it better. Moving through a challenge, diving into a problem, navigating a hurdle... those bring meaning and purpose to our lives.  

When we know this, our lives get better. How you ever said, "I'll be happy when..." or "I'll be happy if..." It's a never-ending pursuit, and rarely brings happiness. 

Happiness is right here, right now; we choose. If it's elusive, look at how you fill your time, who you spend it with, and your expectations. You might find clues. 

Good perspective 

Many of us look back at the year in December. Radio stations play top songs, writers and readers share book lists, newspapers review top stories. Before setting goals or intentions, it's useful to take stock. 

• What worked well for you this last year? 
• What are you most proud of? 
• What do you want more of that you started? 
• Are there lessons you learned from what didn't work? 

Please don't lament or shame yourself if you didn't achieve your desires; it's easy to be optimistic about what we can accomplish and forget to account for real-life twists and turns. Look for what you learned instead.  

How much good...? 

So... How much good do you want in your life? What brings you meaning? How would it feel live in bliss? Do you know what this looks or feels like?   

For me: outside, in the woods or on the water. Sometimes in meditation or when I reflect and write my gratitude lists. Spending time with people I love. Diving deep into something new. Laughing. ...   

Bliss is fleeting but so delightful as it melts into contentment. 

Define it. See it. Create it. Own it. And when you can, just be it.  


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

When life takes a hard turn... can you fix it?

Talented gardeners, builders, creators

Imagine if you will... 

You live in an RV, parked on a city street, with few resources—no running water, no working toilet, no refrigeration or cooking facilities, and little money for food or propane for your stove or heater.

I know two people who fell on hard times and this is their current reality. I feel profound sadness for them and try to help by providing work when they ask, and a little bit extra. And maybe just as important, inviting them in for coffee and conversation, with some dignity and compassion on the side. 

I write this today because I can't get these two out of my mind, and today is Thanksgiving.

I truly believe that nobody should live in an RV or a tent, especially in one of the richest cities in the country. I don't understand why some who have power and means don't connect that caring for others means better care for all, including themselves. Basic health and financial support give those who are able the opportunity to contribute in meaningful ways, for them and us, enriching all of us. We also need better mental health and addiction policies and practices. 

So... now imagine if you will... how can anyone possibly turn circumstances like these around? 

Random vs choice

While randomness is real and bad stuff happens without reason and to people we label good or bad, we can make meaning out of anything.

In our favor, for those of sound mind and body, there's a philosophy that suggests if your life isn't working the way you want it to or think it should, you likely made a choice about what you believed you deserved, perhaps in early childhood. That choice wasn't conscious, because if it was, you'd probably make a different one. Maybe you made that choice because you suffered badly by another's hand, actions, or words. 

While this isn't true for all of us, it's true for a lot of us. Assuming it is, for you as you read this, my questions to you:

• Do you know that much of what you do, feel, think, and experience, is the result of a choice? 
• Do the choices you make improve your life and circumstances, or make them worse?

While other people's actions aren't your fault, as adults, we choose what we make it mean, and what we do about it. This is not victim shaming or blaming. It's a potential way forward. 

My experience, my belief 

Therapy helped me gain perspective on all this, which helped shift my outcomes. For much of my life, I believed I wasn't supposed to be here, that I didn't belong. Long story short: I didn't have a dad; he died right after I was born, signed paternity papers but met me just once. He and my mom weren't married, which was unpopular at that time. His mom and sister dismissed us; his brother was overseas. This and the loss of other caretakers early in my life left me with that deep but unrecognized belief. 

The impact

That belief, an unwitting choice, drove all my actions, including adopting other beliefs, like not being worthy, smart enough, nor capable enough. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places, all outside of myself. My teen years were precarious, full of bad choices, leading to some scary paths. 

Thankfully, I didn't get far along those paths, but I lost several friends to addiction, the streets, suicide. 

It's hard to internalize that our beliefs drive our choices, and our choices create our lives. Especially when we have no conscious access to what's below the surface of our thoughts and actions. But if we're tired of the life we're living, there are resources to help. 

Meet Kelly & Barry

Kelly takes care of my garden since my allergies prevent me from doing all that needs to be done. We met a few years ago through a neighborhood group. A self-described businesswoman, when we met she was in a vocational program to help others with addiction. She was close to receiving a certificate. 

Kelly's partner Barry gets odd jobs here and there. They're smart, capable, talented, and caring people who've struggled with their own addictions, and while clean and sober now, they had a recent relapse. 

A health crisis sidelined Kelly initially, and family helped her through it. But she hooked up with Barry, still unable to work, and then lost their subsidized housing. They rallied, did some manual labor, and earned enough money to buy a decrepit but out-of-the-elements RV.

On Sunday, we spent time talking as they prepped my yard for winter. Growing up, both had their share of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). 

How do you fix that? How do you reverse the cycle that's grounded in deeply buried beliefs? They deserve better. We know there are therapies that help, but typically require resources, ability, time, and an extraordinary and often difficult commitment. 

However...  

Barry said it: I know I'm responsible.

OK. Awareness is the first step toward change.

Kelly added: But without meeting that base layer of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when you're solely focused on survival, it's nearly impossible to move up the hierarchy.

Fair enough...

They offered to work for whatever I was willing to pay them, whether it was $20 a day or $20 an hour. My head screamed: Know your worth! Let's start there. 

They say they know they deserve better, but at their core, I know they don't believe it. They have dreams and desires, and truly, I believe, the capacity to achieve them—when they find a way to get out of their own way. 

Sound mind?

Addiction changes the brain and can impair cognitive and emotional ability, but generally, they're of sound mind (from my layman's perspective). I also know that depression is a serious issue, and Kelly mentioned a while ago that Barry is sometimes incapacitated by this. 

Having watched family on my maternal side suffer from depression, I've seen the impact up close. It's like being stuck in an abyss with no way out. And yet... it's not impossible. Help is out there.  

My own experience with depression gave me extraordinary empathy, as well as the knowledge that change can happen, and it's not a life sentence. I was lucky to have help. Both medical and therapeutic help, along with a better diet and exercise, gave me the leg up I needed to change my own beliefs. 

Dig deep and unearth those beliefs, diligently work on your mindset (stop, notice, redirect, or tell yourself, "there's no place for that language in here!), make better choices, have better problems. We can change our trajectory. Not so simple, but not impossible. Sometimes we can get there by working backwards: Make better choices, see the outcomes, mindset shifts, and eventually, we uncover beliefs. 

Leverage points

I wish I could do more for Kelly and Barry but it's not mine to do. I offer what I can, but I can't change them, their circumstances, their choices, or their minds. I believe in them, and know they're capable. I hope that maybe I'm at least a leverage point.  

This is probably a good time to acknowledge that those who have little also have fewer leverage points. It's hard to get a break. I think about my own privilege and how easy so many daily activities are, like eating, showering, even using the loo. Let alone the stuff I write about here. When you're living on the edge, it's extremely hard to climb up and out of your circumstances. And again, it's not impossible. 

The court of public opinion

On top of all that... Right now, what they face is a scathing public, a public that lumps all homeless people together, as addicts or lazy people who leech from the system. While mental illness is a huge part of the addiction, garbage, and public health problems in our homeless population, and while some do aim to buck the system, not everyone deserves these classifications. 

They are an 'other' and treated as such. There's a both/and here: mean-spirited neighbors throw garbage around RVs or tents and residents aim to keep them clean, while some encampment residents create their own filth due to mental health or active addiction. It's all a public health issue.  

Since housing is a challenge we can't seem to figure out, what if our tax dollars provided a safe and sanctioned place to park, with toilets, showers, and proper garbage disposal areas to better serve them and address public health concerns?  

I think it's on all of us to be aware of the complexity here, mind our own judgments, and do what we can, when or if we can, especially when we see an effort and willingness to make change.   

Our choices have consequences...

Our choices range from the most minuscule to life-changing. Some changes require a deep honesty with ourselves, a willingness to let go of who we are and what we believe, and some solid determination. We have to always ask if our choices line up with what we say we want. We have to imagine what better looks like.

My mantra from Ken Keyes' 12 Pathways comes to mind: I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up *emotionally* in what they need for their growth. 

As I told another friend, there are some journeys we must take on our own, and the journey inward is one of these. Even with help, only we can do that inner work.

Live your best life

So, if you're not living the life you want to live, how can you stop and hear your inner voice? Where do you need help? What small choice can you make today that may impact tomorrow's experience?  

It may be hard, but it's a way through. Pain is part of life but how long we suffer is on us. Both are thankfully impermanent.  

We're all here to learn and grow, and we often learn what's most important through pain. My hope for all of us would be that we learn through less suffering.

***

Update 12/3: On Sunday, Anderson Cooper did a story for 60 Minutes on homelessness—or, the 'unsheltered' as they were referred to—where Seattle is front and center. We apparently have the third-largest unsheltered population in the country. While it's mostly fair reporting and speaks to the root problem of unaffordable housing and the growing wage gap, it's not entirely representative. Cooper gets kudos, though. You can watch it here. 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Thank you

Autumn glory

On this Thanksgiving eve, with just a month of posts to go to achieve my goal of one post a week for a year, I'm grateful to all who read this blog, for your encouraging feedback, and for all I've learned this year through writing.

Having had a gratitude practice for many years, I recognize it's one of the most important things I do for myself. Over the last year, I also had the good fortune to witness what gratitude looks like from a position of leadership when it's authentic and coupled with humility. It's transformational.

Through a number of experiences this year, I also deepened my appreciation for forgiveness and acknowledgment. While it seems we do these practices for others, we really do them for ourselves. By continually forgiving and acknowledging, we give ourselves and others the grace to be human.

I also learned even more how important it is to tell those I love how much I care, continually, because life is short and we never know how long we have on this earthly plane.

I've shared the Hawaiian Ho'oponopono before, but here's Carrie Grossman's Thank You version again. (For my Canadian readers, if you can't access the link you should be able to find it with an online search.)

I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you. 

There's so much power in these words. You don't need to say them out loud, or to anyone. Just say them whenever you need grace, or feel grateful, of need to shift something in your life.

Please know that I continually strive to be the best version of myself, and I hope that through this blog and other ways, I help you, too. 

Four more weeks! And then? Stay tuned... 


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes, hello determination

Can you see what's possible? 

"Don't smoke. It's bad for you." 

As a pint-sized, pig-tailed 8-year-old, I'd speak my mind to random strangers smoking in public, whether or not it was appropriate.  

Never mind my whole family smoked like chimneys, or that, in those days, everyone smoked, everywhere, and second-hand smoke wasn't a thought. 

Then in fifth grade, my Barbie-looking teacher added fuel to my fire when her doctor-husband came to class for a real-time experiment. We tested the effects of smoking with our vice principal; as he smoked a cigarette in class, we watched his blood pressure rise with each inhalation. We filled glass jars with smoke, and angel hair standing in for lung tissue immediately blackened. Preserved lungs drove the point home: healthy and pink vs ravaged by tar-and-nicotine. This affirmed my point.  

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes... 
If 'goody-two-shoes' is a new expression for you, here's a definition. 

So you'd think I'd never consider smoking, right? You'd be wrong... 

The summer between 6th and 7th grade, as I graduated from elementary to junior high school, I found a new set of friends. My caregivers were gone; grandparents were recently deceased, my mom worked full time. I had no one to be accountable to, nor anyone to notice what I was up to. 

It started simply enough. My girlfriends and I would steal cigarettes from our parents and then practice smoking in my basement or out bedroom windows. At first, I was dizzy and sick. But I was committed to cool, solidly determined to smoke, so each hit of nicotine became easier. Soon, I was a full-blown smoker. 

It wasn't long before I wasn't just a casual smoker. I liked to smoke, so I smoked a lot. Parties, drinking... more smoking. Maybe a few stimulants, and a lot of feeling awkward... more smoking.  

While always outspoken, as a teen I took that to new levels. I didn't like it if I couldn't smoke, and I lived by 'better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.' 

This lasted about 10 years. 

The stigma

Directionless and purposeless, I quit college for a boring admin job and then found myself suddenly back home when my roommate had an emotional breakdown. I wasn't happy, but I somehow had the presence of mind to know I needed a 'real' job, different than the crappy 'throwaway' jobs I'd had so far. One thing I knew for sure, I wasn't following family footsteps in any capacity.  

As I interviewed, I decided smoking wasn't cool anymore, and by smoking, I was just like my family. So I stopped, even though smoking was still common, and we still weren't talking about second-hand smoke. (An aside: Most of the men I noticed weren't smoking, either.) I saw people taking smoke breaks in front of office buildings; I didn't want to be one of them.    

Determination

Two weeks before starting my new job at a travel agency in the heart of downtown Seattle, I smoked my last cigarette. I had a plan; I ate a lot of carrots, skipped the bars for a weekend or two, went for a lot of walks, and took a lot of deep breaths.  

I can't say it was easy, but once I decided, I never looked back. Kinda like when I started...  

I still drank pretty heavily off and on and did some things I'm not proud of, but I never started smoking again. When I met my current partner, 20-some years ago, he smoked, so I played with fire and took the occasional hit. But I knew I didn't want to be a smoker again. I still had smoking dreams, and I'd wake up in a panic thinking I had to quit again, mad at myself, and then realize it was just a dream. 

New awareness 

Because I still had plenty of other bad behaviors and habits, I wasn't yet on a wellness path, but giving up cigarettes was a turning point. Suddenly a lot more mattered. And I saw what I was capable of. 

At some point, hindsight again being 20/20, I understood my penchant for smoking had less to do with addiction and more to do with my lack of self-confidence. Cigarettes were something I could hide behind.  

What I learned? 

I could do anything I set my mind to: from getting the job I wanted at the company I wanted to work for, to quitting something studies show is the hardest addiction to kick. 

It started with a decision, a lot of determination, and a vision of what's possible. Even though I still struggled with self-worth and continued to trip myself up in other ways, this one action set myself up for ongoing success. 

Now, I see I've achieve what I've set my mind to, and I have evidence that supports doing it again.  

While I have odds in my favor that some don't, I'm no better or stronger or more capable than anyone else. It's wanting something bad enough, envisioning the possibilities, believing in ourselves just enough to make it happen, and taking that next step.   


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

When we need new friends...

Symbiotic relationships:
Life & death

When I lost my job in a 2016 reorg, it was soon clear how I relied on work for social connection. While I know a lot of people, most of my closest friends live anywhere but close--Canada, Chile, California, the UK, and the Southeast.  

While finding a job was important, I quickly realized building community and making new friends were equally important.  

Studies now show that social connection is as important for health and longevity as good sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. But interestingly, studies also show we'll sync with those we spend the most time with, e.g., if our social network is largely unhealthy, we're more likely to be unhealthy, too. 

Who we spend time with matters.

Intentional connection

Not long after the layoff, my partner went back to work—he's a merchant mariner away on ships for months at a time. While he's not my everything, he's my a-lot-o'things—companion, confidant, cheerleader, housemate, playmate... When he leaves for work, those first coupl'a weeks are like losing an appendage until I find my groove. I had a big gap.  

But I couldn't fill that gap randomly; I wanted people who shared my values and had a growth mindset. While I again lived in the city I grew up in and had "friends" both old and new, I enjoyed seeing some online. But I knew they wouldn't be part of the intentional "community" I wanted to create now.  

Desired experience 

So I considered the kinds of connection I wanted, what I wanted to do, learn, and experience, who I wanted to learn from, as well as where I could contribute. 

Those I spent time with must share some degree of optimism, gratitude, a willingness to expand their horizons, authentic generosity, and a curiosity about the world at large. That doesn't leave room for scarcity mindsets, victims, or even happy doomers. 

It's a life-affirming approach, knowing we create the lives we want and contribute to a better world.      

Relationship audits

Sometimes we outgrow our friends—and not just those from high school. There's a saying I don't love, but it's applicable: Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And that's OK. We're on this earth to grow, and we're all on different paths.  

I know a few people who regularly audit their "friends" on Facebook. I don't do this because that's time I don't want to spend, but I do find it important to audit IRL friends. Some friendships are deep and meaningful, and some are just for fun... both have value, but the question I ask about whether a friendship still fits, is: Do I feel energized or drained after being with that friend?  

Where to find friends

While we can find "community" in many places, making new friends isn't always easy for many adults. A recent Broken Brain podcast discussed this in-depth and offered ideas to find and create more meaningful friendships. 

Here are some examples of what I did that stuck: 

• I found a great professional women's group on Meet-Up, went to monthly meetings, took a few workshops, and have now had coffee with someone I have some things in common with; this may be the start of a new friendship.
• I went to the Seattle Lean In chapter's monthly meetings. At one of them, I ran into a former colleague and we decided to start a Lean In 'small circle' together with an assigned group of participants. We now meet monthly and the acquaintances are deepening into friendships. 
• Despite being church-averse, the spiritual center nearby intrigued me, so I dropped in on Sundays and signed up for a class--which led to more classes, volunteer work, and a few social activities. I can now say honestly I have new like-minded friends.  
• Online groups, while not the in-person connection I craved, filled some holes; one professional development group has a few locals in it, so I planned a get-together in December and a couple of coffee dates with others.  



Amazing Grace Spiritual Center, a
Center for Spiritual Living, on
their 10th anniversary

• I also found no shortage of volunteer opportunities, a great way to meet people. About the same time I was laid off, I was matched with a 'little' through the Big Sisters program, which did two things: it forced me to try new activities, and gave me a good reason to say no to other things--which can be as or more important than saying yes. 

An important outcome now that I'm busier: I pay close attention to who gets my time, why they get it, and how much I share my thoughts and feelings. Only some get my true self with the vulnerable parts. That takes time and reciprocal effort.  

Did it work? 

The short answer: from each of these efforts, I now have not just community, but individuals I call friends. 

Relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back on what we believe about the world and ourselves. Generally, we have to like the reflection or at least be open to it. If we don't, we can gauge whether it's an opportunity to learn and thereby worth looking at, or whether it's time to let go. 

Our health and wellness, including mental and emotional health, may depend on how we answer.   



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.