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Imagine if you will...
Random vs choice
While randomness is real and bad stuff happens without reason and to people we label good or bad, we can make meaning out of anything.
Therapy helped me gain perspective on all this, which helped shift my outcomes. For much of my life, I believed I wasn't supposed to be here, that I didn't belong. Long story short: I didn't have a dad; he died right after I was born, signed paternity papers but met me just once. He and my mom weren't married, which was unpopular at that time. His mom and sister dismissed us; his brother was overseas. This and the loss of other caretakers early in my life left me with that deep but unrecognized belief.
The impact
That belief, an unwitting choice, drove all my actions, including adopting other beliefs, like not being worthy, smart enough, nor capable enough. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places, all outside of myself. My teen years were precarious, full of bad choices, leading to some scary paths.
Thankfully, I didn't get far along those paths, but I lost several friends to addiction, the streets, suicide.
It's hard to internalize that our beliefs drive our choices, and our choices create our lives. Especially when we have no conscious access to what's below the surface of our thoughts and actions. But if we're tired of the life we're living, there are resources to help.
Meet Kelly & Barry
Kelly takes care of my garden since my allergies prevent me from doing all that needs to be done. We met a few years ago through a neighborhood group. A self-described businesswoman, when we met she was in a vocational program to help others with addiction. She was close to receiving a certificate.
Kelly's partner Barry gets odd jobs here and there. They're smart, capable, talented, and caring people who've struggled with their own addictions, and while clean and sober now, they had a recent relapse.
A health crisis sidelined Kelly initially, and family helped her through it. But she hooked up with Barry, still unable to work, and then lost their subsidized housing. They rallied, did some manual labor, and earned enough money to buy a decrepit but out-of-the-elements RV.
On Sunday, we spent time talking as they prepped my yard for winter. Growing up, both had their share of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).
You live in an RV, parked on a city street, with few resources—no running water, no working toilet, no refrigeration or cooking facilities, and little money for food or propane for your stove or heater.
I know two people who fell on hard times and this is their current reality. I feel profound sadness for them and try to help by providing work when they ask, and a little bit extra. And maybe just as important, inviting them in for coffee and conversation, with some dignity and compassion on the side.
I write this today because I can't get these two out of my mind, and today is Thanksgiving.
I truly believe that nobody should live in an RV or a tent, especially in one of the richest cities in the country. I don't understand why some who have power and means don't connect that caring for others means better care for all, including themselves. Basic health and financial support give those who are able the opportunity to contribute in meaningful ways, for them and us, enriching all of us. We also need better mental health and addiction policies and practices.
I know two people who fell on hard times and this is their current reality. I feel profound sadness for them and try to help by providing work when they ask, and a little bit extra. And maybe just as important, inviting them in for coffee and conversation, with some dignity and compassion on the side.
I write this today because I can't get these two out of my mind, and today is Thanksgiving.
I truly believe that nobody should live in an RV or a tent, especially in one of the richest cities in the country. I don't understand why some who have power and means don't connect that caring for others means better care for all, including themselves. Basic health and financial support give those who are able the opportunity to contribute in meaningful ways, for them and us, enriching all of us. We also need better mental health and addiction policies and practices.
So... now imagine if you will... how can anyone possibly turn circumstances like these around?
Random vs choice
While randomness is real and bad stuff happens without reason and to people we label good or bad, we can make meaning out of anything.
In our favor, for those of sound mind and body, there's a philosophy that suggests if your life isn't working the way you want it to or think it should, you likely made a choice about what you believed you deserved, perhaps in early childhood. That choice wasn't conscious, because if it was, you'd probably make a different one. Maybe you made that choice because you suffered badly by another's hand, actions, or words.
While this isn't true for all of us, it's true for a lot of us. Assuming it is, for you as you read this, my questions to you:
- Do you know that much of what you do, feel, think, and experience, is the result of a choice?
- Do the choices you make improve your life and circumstances, or make them worse?
Therapy helped me gain perspective on all this, which helped shift my outcomes. For much of my life, I believed I wasn't supposed to be here, that I didn't belong. Long story short: I didn't have a dad; he died right after I was born, signed paternity papers but met me just once. He and my mom weren't married, which was unpopular at that time. His mom and sister dismissed us; his brother was overseas. This and the loss of other caretakers early in my life left me with that deep but unrecognized belief.
The impact
That belief, an unwitting choice, drove all my actions, including adopting other beliefs, like not being worthy, smart enough, nor capable enough. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places, all outside of myself. My teen years were precarious, full of bad choices, leading to some scary paths.
Thankfully, I didn't get far along those paths, but I lost several friends to addiction, the streets, suicide.
It's hard to internalize that our beliefs drive our choices, and our choices create our lives. Especially when we have no conscious access to what's below the surface of our thoughts and actions. But if we're tired of the life we're living, there are resources to help.
Meet Kelly & Barry
Kelly takes care of my garden since my allergies prevent me from doing all that needs to be done. We met a few years ago through a neighborhood group. A self-described businesswoman, when we met she was in a vocational program to help others with addiction. She was close to receiving a certificate.
Kelly's partner Barry gets odd jobs here and there. They're smart, capable, talented, and caring people who've struggled with their own addictions, and while clean and sober now, they had a recent relapse.
A health crisis sidelined Kelly initially, and family helped her through it. But she hooked up with Barry, still unable to work, and then lost their subsidized housing. They rallied, did some manual labor, and earned enough money to buy a decrepit but out-of-the-elements RV.
On Sunday, we spent time talking as they prepped my yard for winter. Growing up, both had their share of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs).
How do you fix that? How do you reverse the cycle that's grounded in deeply buried beliefs? They deserve better. We know there are therapies that help, but typically require resources, ability, time, and an extraordinary and often difficult commitment.
However...
Barry said it: I know I'm responsible.
OK. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Kelly added: But without meeting that base layer of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when you're solely focused on survival, it's nearly impossible to move up the hierarchy.
Fair enough...
They offered to work for whatever I was willing to pay them, whether it was $20 a day or $20 an hour. My head screamed: Know your worth! Let's start there.
They say they know they deserve better, but at their core, I know they don't believe it. They have dreams and desires, and truly, I believe, the capacity to achieve them—when they find a way to get out of their own way.
Sound mind?
Addiction changes the brain and can impair cognitive and emotional ability, but generally, they're of sound mind (from my layman's perspective). I also know that depression is a serious issue, and Kelly mentioned a while ago that Barry is sometimes incapacitated by this.
Barry said it: I know I'm responsible.
OK. Awareness is the first step toward change.
Kelly added: But without meeting that base layer of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, when you're solely focused on survival, it's nearly impossible to move up the hierarchy.
Fair enough...
They offered to work for whatever I was willing to pay them, whether it was $20 a day or $20 an hour. My head screamed: Know your worth! Let's start there.
They say they know they deserve better, but at their core, I know they don't believe it. They have dreams and desires, and truly, I believe, the capacity to achieve them—when they find a way to get out of their own way.
Sound mind?
Addiction changes the brain and can impair cognitive and emotional ability, but generally, they're of sound mind (from my layman's perspective). I also know that depression is a serious issue, and Kelly mentioned a while ago that Barry is sometimes incapacitated by this.
Having watched family on my maternal side suffer from depression, I've seen the impact up close. It's like being stuck in an abyss with no way out. And yet... it's not impossible. Help is out there.
My own experience with depression gave me extraordinary empathy, as well as the knowledge that change can happen, and it's not a life sentence. I was lucky to have help. Both medical and therapeutic help, along with a better diet and exercise, gave me the leg up I needed to change my own beliefs.
Dig deep and unearth those beliefs, diligently work on your mindset (stop, notice, redirect, or tell yourself, "there's no place for that language in here!), make better choices, have better problems. We can change our trajectory. Not so simple, but not impossible. Sometimes we can get there by working backwards: Make better choices, see the outcomes, mindset shifts, and eventually, we uncover beliefs.
Leverage points
I wish I could do more for Kelly and Barry but it's not mine to do. I offer what I can, but I can't change them, their circumstances, their choices, or their minds. I believe in them, and know they're capable. I hope that maybe I'm at least a leverage point.
This is probably a good time to acknowledge that those who have little also have fewer leverage points. It's hard to get a break. I think about my own privilege and how easy so many daily activities are, like eating, showering, even using the loo. Let alone the stuff I write about here. When you're living on the edge, it's extremely hard to climb up and out of your circumstances. And again, it's not impossible.
The court of public opinion
On top of all that... Right now, what they face is a scathing public, a public that lumps all homeless people together, as addicts or lazy people who leech from the system. While mental illness is a huge part of the addiction, garbage, and public health problems in our homeless population, and while some do aim to buck the system, not everyone deserves these classifications.
They are an 'other' and treated as such. There's a both/and here: mean-spirited neighbors throw garbage around RVs or tents and residents aim to keep them clean, while some encampment residents create their own filth due to mental health or active addiction. It's all a public health issue.
Leverage points
I wish I could do more for Kelly and Barry but it's not mine to do. I offer what I can, but I can't change them, their circumstances, their choices, or their minds. I believe in them, and know they're capable. I hope that maybe I'm at least a leverage point.
This is probably a good time to acknowledge that those who have little also have fewer leverage points. It's hard to get a break. I think about my own privilege and how easy so many daily activities are, like eating, showering, even using the loo. Let alone the stuff I write about here. When you're living on the edge, it's extremely hard to climb up and out of your circumstances. And again, it's not impossible.
The court of public opinion
On top of all that... Right now, what they face is a scathing public, a public that lumps all homeless people together, as addicts or lazy people who leech from the system. While mental illness is a huge part of the addiction, garbage, and public health problems in our homeless population, and while some do aim to buck the system, not everyone deserves these classifications.
They are an 'other' and treated as such. There's a both/and here: mean-spirited neighbors throw garbage around RVs or tents and residents aim to keep them clean, while some encampment residents create their own filth due to mental health or active addiction. It's all a public health issue.
Since housing is a challenge we can't seem to figure out, what if our tax dollars provided a safe and sanctioned place to park, with toilets, showers, and proper garbage disposal areas to better serve them and address public health concerns?
I think it's on all of us to be aware of the complexity here, mind our own judgments, and do what we can, when or if we can, especially when we see an effort and willingness to make change.
Our choices have consequences...
Our choices range from the most minuscule to life-changing. Some changes require a deep honesty with ourselves, a willingness to let go of who we are and what we believe, and some solid determination. We have to always ask if our choices line up with what we say we want. We have to imagine what better looks like.
My mantra from Ken Keyes' 12 Pathways comes to mind: I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up *emotionally* in what they need for their growth.
As I told another friend, there are some journeys we must take on our own, and the journey inward is one of these. Even with help, only we can do that inner work.
Live your best life
So, if you're not living the life you want to live, how can you stop and hear your inner voice? Where do you need help? What small choice can you make today that may impact tomorrow's experience?
It may be hard, but it's a way through. Pain is part of life but how long we suffer is on us. Both are thankfully impermanent.
I think it's on all of us to be aware of the complexity here, mind our own judgments, and do what we can, when or if we can, especially when we see an effort and willingness to make change.
Our choices have consequences...
Our choices range from the most minuscule to life-changing. Some changes require a deep honesty with ourselves, a willingness to let go of who we are and what we believe, and some solid determination. We have to always ask if our choices line up with what we say we want. We have to imagine what better looks like.
My mantra from Ken Keyes' 12 Pathways comes to mind: I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up *emotionally* in what they need for their growth.
As I told another friend, there are some journeys we must take on our own, and the journey inward is one of these. Even with help, only we can do that inner work.
Live your best life
So, if you're not living the life you want to live, how can you stop and hear your inner voice? Where do you need help? What small choice can you make today that may impact tomorrow's experience?
It may be hard, but it's a way through. Pain is part of life but how long we suffer is on us. Both are thankfully impermanent.
We're all here to learn and grow, and we often learn what's most important through pain. My hope for all of us would be that we learn through less suffering.
***
Update 12/3: On Sunday, Anderson Cooper did a story for 60 Minutes on homelessness—or, the 'unsheltered' as they were referred to—where Seattle is front and center. We apparently have the third-largest unsheltered population in the country. While it's mostly fair reporting and speaks to the root problem of unaffordable housing and the growing wage gap, it's not entirely representative. Cooper gets kudos, though. You can watch it here.
If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.
***
Update 12/3: On Sunday, Anderson Cooper did a story for 60 Minutes on homelessness—or, the 'unsheltered' as they were referred to—where Seattle is front and center. We apparently have the third-largest unsheltered population in the country. While it's mostly fair reporting and speaks to the root problem of unaffordable housing and the growing wage gap, it's not entirely representative. Cooper gets kudos, though. You can watch it here.
If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.
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