Staying together: 18 tips for a thriving relationship

We've come a long way. What I thought would be a summer fling has grown into an 18-year (and counting) relationship.

Forrest and Laura, by artist friend
Teresa Waclawik, after visiting
us in Seattle, 1999.

He was young. A musician. I was divorced. Starting over.

I lived on the Canadian west coast. He was leaving Washington's Olympic Peninsula to return to the deep southeast, where he's from. By motorcycle.

He stayed at my place for Music West, Vancouver's then music conference and festival. We were two ships passing that weekend. But over dinner that last night, something clicked. He ran. I hid.

We saw each other a few more times before he crossed the country. Then we emailed. We hand-wrote letters. We had long conversations. We visited. For a year-and-a-half, we grew closer even in our distance. Then we landed in Seattle.

Forrest and Laura, May 18, 2014
at Willows Inn on Lummi Island.
Celebrating 18 years. 

That fateful dinner was the beginning of an adventure. Because we don't have a wedding date, we attribute May 18 as the day we set our intention to stay together.

I've read countless times that you won't always like or even love your partner, and it's true. While it isn't always easy, if you can weather the storms, the rewards are worth it.

Here's my list of 18 lessons learned - one for every year but in no particular order - to create an enduring relationship.

1. Laugh. Any way you can, as much as you can. Have fun. Be silly. Don't be afraid to look goofy. Then the difficult times become almost funny, as long as you're laughing together.
2. Get over yourself. Sure, we all want to be right. And, we all have filters that get projected onto our partners. Cliche' though it may be, recognize when you point a finger at your partner, there are four pointing back at you. Ask what's more important, being right or the relationship. 
3. Don't make assumptions. We created an "ass check" - a lighthearted way to check in with the other if one of us might be assuming something. The ass check also supports 1 & 2 above.
4. Chill. Another cliche', but don't sweat the small stuff. If 'improperly' squeezing the toothpaste tube is more than a minor annoyance, it might be a sign there's more going on under the surface.
5. Argue. Sometimes it's necessary. I used to think that disaster was upon us if we had a fight. But you're two different people and you're never going to agree on everything. Step away if it gets too heated, but be clear when you'll be back. And see #1 above; nothing diffuses an argument quicker than laughter. Inside jokes help; they both make you laugh and build intimacy.
   
6. Own your stuff. I am responsible for my emotions and actions. How he feels is his responsibility. Period. 
7. Talk. Even when it's uncomfortable. In fact, especially when it's uncomfortable. Be direct. Share feelings. Our partners aren't mind readers, even though they know us better than anyone else.
   
8. Give and take. You can't always have it your way. Know when it's important to compromise or concede. Sometimes doing something because you know it makes your partner happy is enough.
9. Dream. What do you want to create together? What kind of life do you want? Having shared dreams moves you forward, together. Having your own dreams makes you interesting... and helps you grow. 
10. Forgive. We've had some tough times. When we first landed in Seattle, I was depressed - my mom was ill, I had no job, and life looked grim. In 2009, his stress, lack of coping skills and unhealthy habits led to a meltdown. While forgetting isn't essential, forgiveness is. And if trust is broken, we're proof it can be rebuilt.
11. Have compassion. We all go through rough patches. We fumble, we fail, we lose confidence. No one escapes this, so be patient and kind when it happens to your partner. And, have compassion for yourself when it happens to you, and hope they do the same.
12. Trust your instincts. They're almost always right. Act on your hunches, for better or worse. 
13. Be trustworthy. Be who you say you are, do what you say you're going to do. Operate with unflinching integrity.
14. Be grateful and check your baggage. We all have baggage, and it follows us into relationships. So look for the gifts and appreciate the small kindnesses, and be mindful about taking each other for granted. Much like tending a garden, this requires consistent effort and attention. 
15. Ask for help. Sometimes you can't do it on your own. We had a therapist from an earlier time. He made the call, but I came along. We saw her separately, but concurrently. With her help, because of his breakdown, I had major breakthroughs. Painful, yes. We made the choice to stay together. Miraculously, we can even laugh at the breakdown now. It got us where we are. 
16. Make time for each other. And yourselves. Friendship is key. Share meals. Watch a movie. Hold hands. Write notes. Go for a walk and talk about your day. Everything has an opposing side - be sure to give each other enough room, too. Having a life of your own gives you something to talk about.
    
17. Respect each other. We all aim to do the best we can. We make mistakes. There's truth in the saying, "perfect is the enemy of the good." Take time to learn about your partner's life goals and aspirations, and share yours. 
18. Be willing to grow. Don't be afraid of change because nothing stays the same. Giving each other room to grow, as well as growing together, is essential. A solid foundation of shared values, dreams, love and respect helps you grow as an individual and as a couple. We're two individuals on our own paths, and they happen to be parallel. It makes our journey together far more interesting. 

Many of these were hard for me and took plenty of practice. Even laughing. Often serious and sensitive, I've had to let go of some beliefs about who I was, what I thought was important, and maybe more importantly, what I made things mean. Now, it just gets better.

Words matter. I love you... 

thank you.... I'm sorry... I get it... 

 these make a difference... 

PS... For anyone who's read this blog since the beginning, this is evidence of just how far we've really come.  

Bittersweet: Mother's Day reflections

Yes, a mother's job is serious stuff, and a lot of hard, often thankless work. But being a mom, especially one from earlier generations before support groups and online forums, doesn't come with instructions, and not every woman is inherently good at it. 

First, I'm not a mother, unless you count cats or a brief foray into step-parenting 20-some years ago. Second, I'm not very sentimental about Mother's Day. Reading the history of mom's day makes me feel better about that. There's nothing like seeing 500 Facebook posts about people's moms to induce guilt.

I loved my mother.

She left this mortal coil on May 19, 14 years ago. And 14 years ago, we shared our last Mother's Day together. But she'd be one of the first to tell you it's a Hallmark holiday. Still, it was a lovely, sunny Sunday. She was feeling good and in good spirits. It was one of the few times she'd been back to the house, her childhood home, after moving to an assisted living apartment. Forrest's brother Clay and his family joined us for a backyard picnic. Just 64, mom's health was failing, but she'd been doing better lately and I thought there would be several more mom's days to come.

But just one week later, she was gone.

My mom and I had our challenges. She admitted one day not long before she died that she hadn't always been a good mother. I was a little surprised to hear her say that, so I asked what she meant. She didn't elaborate. But I knew. I also know she did her best. She didn't have a lot to work with. Her mom, my grandmother, was mean, and even meaner after a stroke. She was a martyr whose favorite tool was manipulation through guilt, and she treated my mom, her youngest, badly. Shit flows downhill, and I felt the brunt of that when, in her final years, we moved in to take care of her. Those were tough times for all of us.


I know my mom loved me. 


At least, she did to the best of her ability. There's an adage that says you can't truly love someone else until you love yourself, and my mom, for the most part, didn't like nor love herself. She spent most of her life fighting depression. And she did fight. From lots of self-medicating with the popular pills of the day, to a seven-year stint with a psychiatrist. She even took me to a session when we were having a particularly hard time. Mostly, she hid behind her weight, her caustic wit, TV, and cigarettes.

Co-dependent. 

That's a good word to describe our relationship. My earliest years were spent with my grandparents and an aunt while mom worked, but we'd always go home together. Just the two of us.

During those earlier years, we did things together. She was a good sport. She'd camp with my Girl Scout troop. She'd help me with badges, even if we did everything wrong (which we'd laugh about). She took me to see Fantasia. We went to ceramics classes. She made sure I had birthday parties and separate birthday and Christmas presents (I arrived just before Christmas). She fed me well and dressing me nicely was one way she showed she loved me. I honestly think she was both thrilled to have me in her life, and greatly burdened by me.

As a teen, she took in all my wayward friends, but at some point she abdicated any parental authority. She wanted what was best for me but didn't know how to guide me. She couldn't keep me safe. She especially didn't know how to deal with my hormones or emotions. My mom didn't have much love in her life, and though she and my dad were together only a short time, I believe she mourned him for the rest of her life.

My mother was social and loved family gatherings, but as family and friends died or slipped away, she became more reclusive and detached. From my earliest days, I remember her anger. She yelled. Slammed things. Threw things. Her frustration was easily triggered - a characteristic I adopted and only unlearned during my own self-analysis. I shared her anger, too, although I didn't realize this until a lifelong friend told me that as teens, she was afraid of my anger. That was a big a-ha for me.

I loved my mother. And I know she loved me.

And I'm not sentimental about Mother's Day.

By that last Mother's Day together, we'd largely made peace with each other, and ourselves. She once asked, "How'd you get so smart?" I told her I had good genes. My mom was wicked smart but had rare outlets to express it. Late in her life, she shared with me the dreams she'd had of doing something more. But fear, self-loathing and the responsibilities of being a single mom kept those dreams safely tucked away. Her fear spilled over on me; she discouraged my dreams, always suggesting the safe, familiar path.

Not everyone is fit to be a parent. I tried my best to be a step-mom. I didn't have a lot to work with. And my step-daughter triggered fears I didn't know I had. She came to live with her dad and me when she was 14. By 14, I had already cracked open the Pandora's box of drugs, sex and rock-and-roll. She was on a similar path, and it scared me. For her and for me. Step-parenting ushered in the end of my marriage - and drove me to see myself in a way I hadn't ever viewed myself previously. I had already done some inner work and made some changes, yet this was a real crossroads. I felt both proud and shamed by some of my own behavior.

Not all moms should be moms. I don't have children of my own, and I don't think that's just an accident. I put my mom through hell during my teen years. And, as she graciously owned, she wasn't a very good mom. I don't blame her. She didn't have anything to go on. From a young age, she shut herself off emotionally, did everything she could to protect herself from her own childhood pain.

Blood connections don't mean you owe each other anything. A friend is now caretaking her mom - a mom who's life was spent in festering resentment, never gaining emotional maturity, despite her advanced age. My friend is a compassionate woman; she left home at 16 for good reason, but she's doing what needs to be done, not because her mom earned her care, but because it's the right thing to do. And she's heartbroken, watching her mom suffer in her final days, still angry, resentful, and full of blame.

Yes, I miss my mom. 

I miss her humor and creativity, her insightful perceptions, her flashes of wisdom, her hugs. And I believe I was there for her in the best possible ways for both of us those last few years of her life. Her care was my priority; despite our continued challenges, I so badly wanted her to experience ease in those final years. She had done her best, given her circumstances. We had weathered a lot.

Despite it all, I didn't need a holiday - a day that began with good intentions (but even the founder was appalled at what it quickly became) - to do the right thing for my mom.

Not every mom knows how to be a mom. My mom tried, when she could. I'm grateful to her for much: she brought me into this world, she tried hard to do things differently with me, and she passed along some priceless gifts, in part, unwittingly. I honor her by doing things differently, still.

I applaud all those moms who made it through, do good jobs, and have wonderful relationships with their children. And I applaud those who were able to mend difficult relationships. And, I acknowledge all those who had a different experience.

Yes, I miss my mom. In many ways. But sometimes I just feel sadness when I think of her, and can't imagine anything else.

For me, as it is for many, Mother's Day is bittersweet. 

Empathy: Been there, done that

Empathy seems to be a trend these days. Don't get me wrong; by calling it out as a trend, I'm not dissing the importance of figuratively walking in another's shoes.

As a kid, I celebrated the Pagan May Day by anonymously giving baskets of
flowers to my elderly, and in some cases, incapacitated, neighbors. I give my
grandfather credit for fostering my early ability to feel empathy.

Empathy is one of my most treasured values, and I came by it honestly - I've been there, done that in a whole lot of circumstances, and benefited from some very hard lessons.

Lately, though, I'm hearing about empathy in unlikely places, particularly in a business environment. Marketing especially seems to have co-opted empathy (as they do any value worth its salt, really). I don't think this is bad; I think it's largely been missing despite lip service about caring about and understanding the customer.

I'm also hearing the word authenticity a lot more. Maybe it's because it's also on my radar; being my authentic self has become more important than ever and was a big part of my coach training program.

The thing with empathy is that it can't be faked well. Speaking of lip service, empathy is just that without authenticity. It certainly isn't sympathy. I don't want anyone's sympathy. But I damn sure want to feel empathy when I need it.

Truth... Trust... Actions do 

speak louder than words. 

Body language. Facial expressions. Tone. Inflection. Each says something, and adds meaning to your words.

How do you show up? How do you want to be seen? Understood? Are you willing to understand?

I'm also hearing more about how we're collectively experiencing an empathy deficit. This shows up in many ways, including hate speech, bullying, racial profiling, gender bashing, the list goes on. Immigration, gay marriage, women's rights - these are in the news, everyday, and here we are in 2014. What did Shakespeare say? The play is the same, only the characters change? We've made progress, true. Yet this isn't new; there's just a new(er) term for it. There are and always have been factions of insular, small-minded people, everywhere.

I'm all for fostering ways to bring more empathy into the world. If marketing helps us get there, well, whatever it takes. The more life we experience, the more ups, downs, failures, challenges we face, if we learn from them and don't become bitter, we can be empathetic. We can walk in those other proverbial shoes. We can make a difference for each other - and ultimately ourselves.

Seek first to understand...

 

Beyond resolutions: Setting intentions for 2014

Sailing in Shilshole Bay

Resolutions are made to be broken. Or at least, in my world, they are. So I stopped making them.


Now I set intentions. 


There's spaciousness around intentions. They're more about being than doing. Resolutions are, well, resolute.  A hard and fast destination.

Intentions are powerful. Yet flexible. They're a little like sailing - you set a course, but despite best laid plans, there are many unknowns to be discovered along the way. What is known is that sails will need trimming, the course adjusting.

Intentions allow room to shift directions, course correct, enjoy the journey, ask questions. It's being in the moment, and noticing what's working, what's not, and continually making choices. There's still a place for goals; goals help propel us forward. Setting an overall intention supported by incremental goals has a strong likelihood of succeeding.


They work.  


Today, I'm looking ahead at what I want to create, this year and beyond. What do I want my life to look like? What steps can I take to get me closer? How can I be the creative force in my world - designing a life that works for me in every way?

While I'm now firmly planted in midlife, I don't want to leave the rest of my life to chance. None of us know how much time we have, and even though we're all mere specs on the space / time continuum, I want to make a difference with the time I have. I want my minutes to count. My regrets thus far are few; I know now when I feel afraid, it's almost always my clue to step toward, not away. My gut tells me which.


I wish.


Yes. I wish. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to wish big, dream big. I'm going to look at those dreams and wishes, revel in the absurd, and celebrate the unobtainable. And then I'm going to look at these with a discerning eye:

• What is it about those wishes and dreams that appeal to me? 
• What makes them desirable? 
• What meaning do they hold for me? 

Then I can start making them real - or the parts that count. I'll state my intentions as though they exist right now. I'm designing my life on my terms. One incremental step - or maybe a big leap - at a time.

Speak up: your health, happiness and well-being depend on it

Tybee Island gulls, chatting among themselves.

I have a voice. So do you.

Do you hear me? Good. Because we all need to be heard.

A few nights ago, I woke up in the wee hours, a bit unsettled... dreaming that my partner of 17+ years told me we were getting married on May 23. What??? I'm on the fence about marriage, so that wasn't what nagged me. I believe the dream was a gut reaction to my birthday present: he planned my - our - vacation. Now, don't get me wrong. For the most part, I'm OK with this. He has good ideas, and I know we'll have fun together; that he was so thoughtful and actually took the time to plan this, well, that's awesome. His choice was one of several places we considered; we just hadn't collectively decided yet (and because of some history and my limited vacation time, I wanted to weigh in). Really, it's a small thing, in this context.


However... 

...what this brings up for me are the many times throughout my life where I haven't had a voice - haven't had a say, haven't had a choice. Where choices have been made for me. And I've had a few sleepless nights lately thinking about this. That's where the unsettled feeling came from.

My partner and I have come far in our 17+ years together. We have invested time and energy to learn about ourselves, and each other. A few years ago, we made a concerted effort to learn how to talk with each other, to set aside our filters and assumptions when we're listening, or at least, only assume positive intent. (Why is it so easy to assume the worst, even from those who love us?) To not let our stories about ourselves (e.g., "I can't do anything right...") get in the way of how we hear what the other is saying.

Because when we hear with our filters, we miss the message and the conversation becomes about me, not us, not the person we're engaged with. We're largely conditioned to hear what we want to hear, what we may have expected to hear, if not now, then at some point in our lives. Yes, that's right. We collect evidence for the stories about ourselves we're familiar and comfortable with - even if we don't like them (does "I can't do anything right" translate to "I'm not good enough?" It just might, for some of us; note that these are common interpretations). Maybe we don't recognize those self-sabotaging stories yet. If not, we're more likely to get triggered. Which shuts down any opening for conversation.

So how do we talk with each other, speaking up and honoring ourselves, when we risk triggering someone's stuff? What happens if we shut down and don't say anything?

Staying quiet about what we care about serves no one. Staying quiet is a recipe for disaster. Really, it just prolongs an uncomfortable situation.


So we learn to speak up. 

We speak from a place of love and respect. We pay attention. We check in. We know there might be filters and triggers; we ask questions. And we speak what's true for us, from the inside out. It's not about having the last word, or the first word, but engaging in meaningful conversation.

He and I have worked very hard at this, and it's paid off. (So at some point, he and I are going to talk, but because he's aboard a ship off the coast of Florida, we haven't yet been able to talk about it with any depth. As he is wont to remind me, timing is everything.)

Timing is important, but it's not the be all, end all. Sometimes, there's never a good time. Sometimes, speaking up in the moment is essential for our well-being - and even safety. And sometimes, taking the time to think through the message we want to impart or just being courteous are our best options. But silence rarely is.

Good judgment speaks volumes. Choice of words and tone are also important. Lashing out is not speaking up. Accusing or attacking aren't speaking out.

Speaking up is speaking our truth, sharing our feelings, expressing our opinions, standing up for ourselves, while honoring ourselves and our relationships.


I've had to learn - and unlearn - a lot.

Not being heard goes back to childhood, growing up in an environment where I was frequently dismissed. In my teens, my mouth got me in trouble: Notice me! But by then I had a lot of anger and this didn't help my cause. I didn't speak up; I lashed out. I didn't know how to use my voice; I didn't know it was OK for no to really mean no. I didn't know I had choices. Or that my opinions or what I wanted counted for something. As an adult, I largely shut up and chose not to rock boats, and was occasionally blindsided by the actions of others. Had I the tools I have now, I doubt it could happen.

So what have I learned?

• Communicating in a way that's honoring, respectful and compassionate is vital for healthy relationships - in any environment or circumstance.
• While I can't control anyone's actions or words, I'm no longer a victim of my circumstances. I can choose how I respond to what happens around me and what other people do. 
• Allowing my voice to be silenced was learned behavior that can be unlearned. (Anger is also learned behavior that can be unlearned; while some anger can be healthy and motivating, expressing it appropriately is essential.)
• An argument today beats resentment tomorrow, and arguing doesn't mean the world will end. Nor does disagreement.
• Acceptance and approval need only come from me. Validation from outside sources isn't necessary. I operate from a place of high integrity; if someone doesn't like what I have to say or what I do, I'll welcome a conversation. 
• How someone responds to me is their responsibility. 

A few years ago I made some different choices. I knew I wanted different results in key areas of my life, including work and my relationships. And while I didn't know how to get these results, didn't even know just what I was looking for, I knew it was time for things to change. With some help, deep reflection and actively observing my own behavior, patterns and habits, things changed, and my results were different.

This is a much more powerful place to be. I know that what we internalize has to manifest in some way, and repressed anger, withdrawal, and silence can all lead to illness, crumbling relationships, depression, and so much more. If we keep our true selves, or our true feelings, blocked or invisible, we benefit no one, not even ourselves.

If it's important, speak up. 

It's a new year. What are you ready to speak up for?

Newly minted...

It's official! On Friday, December 13, after 16 months of in-depth study, practice, mentoring and testing, I graduated from Invite Change, an International Coach Federation-accredited vocational training program, as a life coach.

While I've been doing this work in some fashion unofficially for much of my adult life, this at last makes it official. Here's what the Invite Change faculty had to say about me at our graduation celebration:

And that's "d" for damn, as in Damn Good Coach, an intention I set for myself when I started the Mastery program, the last of five courses in their Certified Professional Coach curriculum. And while I have learned new skills, built upon talents, developed my processes, and honed my instincts, the best things that came from this program were the relationships - with my cohorts, especially, but also with my instructors and mentors, as well as my trusting clients. And if I'm really honest, the relationship with myself. I have done an even deeper dive and come out with much greater awareness, clarity, understanding, compassion, confidence, appreciation, and recognition of who I am, what I believe, how I operate, what moves me, drives me, makes me tick, as well as where I limit myself and get in my own way (of which I'm doing less of, by the way).

It's been a rewarding, fascinating 16 months, for which I'm truly grateful. What's next? Keep on coaching! The experience of coaching is hard to describe in words, and yet, its value is both extraordinary and measurable. If your curiosity is at all piqued, I have more information on my website.

How to be hopeful and helpful during the holidays

For all the hoopla, fun, and togetherness some experience during the holidays, the season also comes with extra tasks and expectations. And for some, it's a lonely time of year. The days are short and dark, ads in print, on the airwaves and on the internet depict happy gatherings, gifts and good times. Perhaps because it's also the end of the year, all those unmet goals and ideals can amplify in their importance. I know my world can be a crazy mash up of all of these.

What to do? Here are a few things I try to keep in mind as the clock ticks faster and the days evaporate.

• Prioritize. What's really important - and as important, who decides? Check in with yourself to see if it's an obligation you can renegotiate or somehow do differently. Or not do at all. What's the worst that can happen if something doesn't get done? Carefully evaluate what's worthy of keeping on the overflowing to-do list. 
• Say no. Measure the value of invitations, engagements and expectations. Where will your help or offering be most appreciated and valued? What will you remember most when it's all behind you? 
• Say yes. What's the most meaningful to you this time of year? How can you practice radical self-care in the midst of it all? 
• How much is enough? Will the trinkets and gifts be memorable in the years - or even days - to come? If not, what can you do differently? There are countless charitable organizations that would welcome gifts of time, money or needed supplies. And there's something for every interest: animal lovers and conservationists, or the homeless, seniors or children in need. I aim for local, but CharityWatch has some ideas for global organizations that make a difference. 
• Reach out. If you have time or energy to give, or need someone to give to you, there are many ways to do this. Sometimes there's no better way to feel hopeful and helpful than to give to others, even when it feels like we have nothing to give. There's no shame in needing support. We all have low points, and we all need to rejuvenate and replenish. At points throughout our lives, we all give and take. The scales eventually balance, in whatever way they need to, whether a direct exchange or we pay it forward. 

A few final tips that keep me sane... Despite my penchant for shopping the rest of the year, I try to avoid malls and big box stores from mid-November to Boxing Day. I make small things for girlfriends, and buy gifts like preserves or special indulgences from the farmers market. Usually there's a new product I'm particularly excited about - a locally crafted chocolate, coffee or tea, or a soap or body product - and I share that. I don't get energy from people the way I used to (as I age, I'm becoming more introverted), so a random party is less meaningful to me than reading a book or watching favorite Christmas specials for the umpteenth time. Or going for a nice long walk, bundled like a weeble-wobble.

Notice what gives you energy, and do that. And notice what drains you, and see what you can do differently. Chances are, as you start to pay attention, you'll feel the difference.

And, if you thrive on chaos, now's your time. Enjoy!

Sated: Full fat or no fat, please

Today I read yet another article explaining how we've been doing it wrong. For years, doctors gave us the wrong advice about what to eat and what to avoid. Unwittingly, maybe... but their tune is changing, and we'll all be better for it. Avoiding fat isn't the answer to better health. Eating real, whole foods is.

I grimace whenever I see a health "authority" recommending a low fat diet or when I can only find non-fat products on the grocery shelves. Regardless of the changing tune, there's still a lot of misinformation out there. I read it in articles online and off, I see it at work in our cafes - where low fat is king. And I see it in random places where it seems to me it's a "shouldn't be." Most low fat foods also have unhealthy additives, not to mention they're low on the satisfaction scale.

I followed the no-fat path for a while. When Joe Piscatella's book, Don't Eat Your Heart Out, came out in the '80s, I gave up just about everything. I stopped eating red meat - no more fast food burgers for me! No butter, no oil. No bacon! And just non-fat dairy. I was determined. I hated the way high fat foods felt in my mouth.

I eventually fell off that wagon, but I stayed on that track for a number of years - a move to Vancouver and regular visits to a naturopath only made my diet more extreme - I gave up all dairy, corn, yeast, wheat and caffeine, among other things.

Now, many years, lots of research, and trial and error led me back to whole foods. Foods with natural fats are flavorful and satisfying. They're not laden with fillers or chemicals. And I'm not talking about deep fried foods, nor chips or foods made from highly processed or genetically engineered oils. Just whole, real foods. Cream. Butter. Grass-fed beef. Olive and coconut oils, and rich, creamy avocados. Nuts and seeds. And yes, even bacon occasionally - ideally when I know where it's from. Appropriately proportioned, these are healthy, satisfying choices.

My new favorite thing? Kefir. Most grocers sell just a couple of brands, and mostly low fat or non fat. But the real prize is from our local Grace Harbor Farms. This stuff is rich and delicious. If you're not in the Northwest, perhaps there's a local dairy near you with something similar. It might be worth exploring. Kefir has the added benefit of being fermented, full of probiotics - the good bacteria our bodies need. Greek yogurt is also a healthy option, but I think the best advice is to read the ingredients on the containers you pick up. If it's full of stuff you can't visualize or pronounce, it might be good to pass up.

Studies show: Small food choices can have a big impact

As a member of my local natural foods co-op, I'm a lucky recipient of their monthly newsletter, in which they regularly publish articles about food, farming, nutrition and health, including news bites from other publications.

The food / health connection is one I've made - incrementally - for 25 years or more, and I regularly read studies and news articles from a wide variety of sources, keeping in mind that findings change and results can be skewed by wherever the research money comes from.

One constant: What we put in our bodies does matter. Whether you're looking to lose weight, manage a health condition, want better nutrition, or avoid pesticides and contaminants - there are no shortage of reasons to read, watch and care.

A couple of clips from the November PCC Sound Consumer news bites caught my attention:

• Because diabetes is pervasive in my family, I'm intrigued by a new Harvard study: Just two servings per week of whole fruit can reduce the risk of Type 2 diabetes by 23%. Just two per week! They suggest apples, grapes and blueberries in particular. When my mom was learning how to manage her diabetes at the Joslin Diabetes Center, I remember learning that because of their high sugar content, grapes could negatively impact blood sugar and should be eaten with other food or avoided. So this is new for me. That said, the study also confirms that fruit juice can increase risk - which isn't new (fresh vegetable juice is a better option, or a smoothie with protein). Orange juice can get your blood sugar back to normal quickly when it's low, but fruit juice, particularly commercial, is never an optimal choice for health. Just two... That's a small step to reduce your chances by over 20% if you're at risk. I know food deserts exist, but for most of us, finding a couple of apples is as close as a grocery store. We just have to make that choice.
   
• Since others in my family either succumbed to heart disease or are in some way managing it, a report by the Union of Concerned Scientists made me take note. The study states that if we increase our fruit and vegetable intake to the daily requirement,* 127,000 deaths from heart disease could be prevented - not just saving lives but also saving about $17 billion in annual medical costs (nationally). Just adding a half-cup a day to our current average diet could save $2.7 trillion. So while they're talking numbers and dollars, what those really mean is better health for those who do this. 

For not much effort, those are some impressive numbers.

Eating well doesn't have to be hard, although changing habits can be. That's why even incremental change can make a difference. Maybe start with one or both of these if you're not already doing them. Or just choose one thing - whatever that looks like for you - that makes you feel better. Then see what happens?

A lot of what we eat is what we're used to, often what we grew up with. We like it, we say, when we may not have have anything to compare it to, or haven't given other types of foods a chance. I said that about fast food cheeseburgers not so many years ago. Now I can't imagine eating any kind of fast food; I just can't un-know what I've learned about food. And what I like and what I crave has changed as I incrementally changed the foods I ate.

This was wildly evident at Thanksgiving. These were the foods I grew up eating - and loved. While I enjoyed the visit to memory lane, even my mother's "famous" cranberry marshmallow salad will remain in my past, along with canned cranberries, white rolls, margarine and Cool Whip topping (although I admit, I'll still put black olives on all my fingers and then eat them...). I've trained my palette to like the real thing, the healthier thing for me, and I can't go back.



*The RDA varies by age and gender. While I agree we all need to eat more fruit and vegetables, I would argue some of our government recommendations, and wish they'd push for better food, generally. 

Giving thanks: It really is about choice

I was thankfully reminded last night while having dinner with my aunt and uncle that it's not just genetics that influence how we age.

My uncle, my mom's brother, turned 79 last month, and he looks pretty good. He's still spry, square dances twice a week, and does most of the repairs on his home and rental property. He's aging, clearly, and slowing down; he's had a few health challenges, but nothing that's threatened his mortality or that requires intense management (that I'm aware of). I have long said lifestyle trumps genetics, and I'm taking this as proof that my maternal ancestry doesn't necessarily doom me to a shorter life.

I've had far too many relatives leave the mortal coil at too young an age. My cousin Terri, whose birthday would have been Monday, was just 54 when she died from lung cancer. Cousin Sherri was 52. Their paternal aunt lived into her 90s, though, so I take this as yet another example of lifestyle over genetics.

Other relatives also succumbed to lifestyle-based illness: my mom at 64, her sisters at 60 and 48. Two great aunts in my maternal blood line lived the longest - Alma to 88, her youngest sister, Vernis, to 78. They didn't smoke, among other things. And my mom's maternal cousin, bless her, is well into her 90s and living fully and vivaciously. Whew! But these are just three exceptions on my mom's side.

On the paternal side, I've mentioned that my uncle is now into his 80s, and until recently, competed in weight lifting competitions around the world. I like those genetics!

When I think about genetics, I get scared I'll die a premature death, before I've fully lived the dreams I've envisioned. After all, mom - just 64; my dad - just 28, and on and on. That fear and the realities of managing an illness, as so many in my family must do, are primary motivators for choosing differently. Sometimes I fear there will be a penance for my early years of excess. But my naturopath says if I'd done real damage, I'd likely know by now. Thank goodness for teenage resilience! When I see pictures of my younger self, cigarette in one hand, drink in another, I barely recognize myself and it feels like someone else's life. In a way, it was.

When this fear shows up, I aim first to forgive myself for those early years - not always easy... and trust I haven't yet activated anything undesirable, and remember that genetics aren't the be all, end all. And then I get this body moving. Evidence continues to support how much our diets and activities impact our overall health - even Alzheimer's is proving to be largely diet related. This gives me hope, as that's something I can manage, and that's a disease that's rampant, along with diabetes and heart disease, throughout my family. Research shows that even making small changes can make a big difference if you're not already doing those things that lead to optimal health.

So as I regularly chant, I'm thankful today and every day that lifestyle can, indeed, trump genetics. I can't slack off much. I'm committed to my own health and well-being, despite the challenges. I read today there's actually scientific proof that being thankful improves health, too. That's an easy one!

I hope you, too, have much to be thankful for, today, tomorrow and every day.