Anger is an energy

Alone in the wilderness... or, well,
 in this case, on a beach. 

A few years ago, while talking about growing up, a life-long friend told me my anger scared her when we were teenagers. This caught me off guard; I had no idea. We met in elementary school; I was a lieutenant on the safety patrol and she was on my squad. From there, our lives became deeply intertwined; we know and understand our origin stories. And yet, her words made me think.  

As a teenager, I was small, smart, and cute, which didn't benefit me at that point in time and caused ire among my peers. So I was feisty; I had a mouth only sailors could love, and I was often in trouble with teachers for directing it at them.  

We learn to be angry... 

I learned how to be angry from my mom. That was her acceptable emotion, along with frustration. She yelled a lot, swore a lot, slammed doors, and threw things. Throughout our life together, I watched her vacillate between anger, frustration, and depression. Consequently, my teenage self yelled and swore a lot, and sometimes slammed doors and threw things (typically, just my hairbrush on bad hair days, though). Full transparency: I had a few good reasons to be angry. I just needed better ways to express it.  

I started my journey toward healthy expression in my early 20s, but it's an ongoing practice and I don't always get it right. As a newlywed, I yelled during an argument—and my husband's response taught me to quell my anger, even deny it. Instead, I withdrew rather than rocking the boat, which had its own unintended consequences.  

Now I'm rarely angry and I know anger is just one of many options. But it's also a useful one if we pay attention. It's a tool, a motivator. Or as John Lydon (nee Johnny Rotten) sang on Rise, it's an energy. It's information. 

Anger is often our quickest response in a heated interaction and can easily mask other emotions, like fear or hurt. Stopping in the moment, when we first feel angry, is a big step. What's it telling you? Stop, notice, and name it. Then choose how you want to respond to any given situation.  

I don't avoid conflict, but I stopped provoking controversy when I 'grew up.' That doesn't mean I don't express anger when I feel it, but I discovered my limitations around arguments. I sometimes struggle to follow a train of thought when emotions are high, and verbal communication can be challenging for me. That's why it's important to know I can stop. I also noticed in heated conversations with certain people that I can become overwhelmed and get flustered and acquiesce when they insist they're right. This also isn't OK, and I've learned to navigate those relationships more carefully.     

Communication, awareness, and boundaries 

Now, with a lot of deep work behind me and a high level of self-awareness, I have very clear boundaries, which makes setting limits easier. Anger isn't my immediate response.  

But here's something else: We typically have different boundaries for different relationships, and we're allowed to change and adjust them. We're also not required to tell people when we set new boundaries, especially if it puts us at risk in some way. Push-back is real. Sometimes, they don't know what's different, only that something is, and that's enough to cause a reaction.   

The trick, then, is to hold those new boundaries and not get sucked into old behaviors, and not get angry. I recently got tricked. Hence this post. 

Remember Charlie Brown and Lucy? 

I found myself in a situation where I expected a different result. I have a friend I regularly feel challenged by. I'm Charlie Brown, falling on my ass trying to kick a football that Lucy pulls away at the last minute. (Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... what?!?) I decided I couldn't do that anymore, so I created some new boundaries for myself in that relationship. I didn't share that; I just showed up differently. And then... here I was... I did the same thing, again, and I said a thing or two in a conversation I didn't want to have... and got lambasted for all the ways I was wrong. Charlie Brown... I should know better. 

I was livid. But... this time, I didn't react. I didn't swear. I didn't cry. I noticed it. I stepped back to look at what just happened.  

Behind the reaction...  

The Landmark Education Forum asks you whether you want to be right or whether you want workability. I aim for workability, which is why I don't think all disconnects need to be discussed. I could very easily find myself saying hurtful things that don't help. 

So what happened... I felt like a caged cat, trapped, attacked even... which made me even less interested in further engaging. It wasn't pretty, so we hung up with neither of us in a good place. What I know for sure is that this cannot happen again. I refuse to again be Charlie Brown.   

Trust your insides... 

I have finely honed gut instincts, and I must listen to them. I can't second guess myself, nor must I explain my actions and choices, nor defend them in most circumstances.

I mentioned anger is information, and this particular experience enlightened me to a couple of things. 

• How I relate to my partner: I have a new appreciation for my partner's process when he's working through something. Now, when I ask him what's up when my spidey senses are buzzing and he says 'nothing' or 'it doesn't have anything to do with you', I have to trust him. I must also trust that if he does have something we need to talk about, he'll let me know.  
• What's important to me: I have more clarity about my values and boundaries, how I want to show up, and what I expect in relationships, friendships or otherwise. 

As with anything else, there are always gifts... that proverbial silver lining. This exchange prompted me to write on my bedroom mirror, where I see them sometimes multiple times a day, a few affirming statements:  

• take up space
• amplify my voice
• know my worth (an ongoing theme here)
• trust myself, and 
• take no shit

None of this is about making someone else wrong, or not loving them. What I find I need is to rethink my relationships, my needs, and my interactions—which right now, is taking back some space, and when I say "no," know that I mean no, especially when something is personal and not about them. 

Writing this, I feel less angry and more compassionate, for my friend and myself, even as I recognize I'm done with being Charlie Brown.  

Anger... it's useful. In this case, it caused me to pause and reflect, and then stand firm, know my worth, and resolve to set more limits.   

Let anger be your guide...

And, lastly, there's a lot to be angry about in the world... like oppression and inequity. That's where anger can be truly motivating. It's information and an energy. Use that. But don't let it consume you, and when you feel it, explore it.   

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here. 

Post-Thanksgiving gratitude, and a big 'shouldn't be'

Driving south on I-5 toward my uncle's place for Thanksgiving dinner, for the first time I noticed the magnitude of tent encampments under the freeway as we drove through and beyond downtown. Forrest was driving and we were in his truck, which sits higher than my car.

Discovery Park frost

Whether it was the added height or that I wasn't driving, I was able to notice differently. There were dozens, maybe hundreds... tent after tent stretched out in groups under the raised lanes of the freeway.

I know of this, have read and heard about this, but I haven't seen more than just a scattered few tents before.

This is a shouldn't be... 

How is it in our wealthy country, and in our affluent northwest, we have so many homeless? This isn't unique to our area, but with our usual moderate climate and liberal programs and policies, there are many who choose the northwest over other, less tolerant areas to live their lives outdoors.

Yet, the near freezing temperatures say it's winter. A local charity that helps women and children, Mary's Place, notes there are more than 500 families right now in our area with no place to call home.

Walking through Discovery Park, an old military base converted to a 500-acre park and some high-end view homes, I see an occasional tent tucked among the trees and brush. I cannot fathom how this is possible in today's world.

Sanctioned tent cities, in my neighborhood and throughout the city, give people who live on the street a bit more security along with bathroom facilities and access to drinking water. Yet neighbors complain; I can only surmise they don't want their cozy perceptions of safety shattered. There are shelters and half-way houses everywhere, but still there aren't enough beds.

But my real question is... why? 

Why is this even an issue at this point in time, in this place?   

Do they choose this? Maybe... maybe it's better than what home once was. I know many women are on the street because it's better than anything else they know, because they feel they have no other choice. And mental illness keeps some on the fringes of 'civilized' society.

I believe that to some degree we choose our circumstances. But I think in cases like this, even if this is true, those who live this plight do not understand they have choice. Do not believe that choice can be theirs. There are no visible options. They don't have foresight beyond survival because their circumstances never gave them that. When survival is your focus, the choice you make is what's right in front of you.

No one, 

especially children and families, 

should have no place to go to be 

warm, fed, and cared for. 

I had earlier whined that the food on my holiday table likely wasn't organic nor sustainable. Those individuals - those fellow humans - would be more than happy to have that food. I quickly berated myself and gave thanks for my amazing abundance -- a table full of delicious food, and family to share it with, and leftovers to spare.

My life is far from perfect. My company is reorganizing and many jobs are going away; mine may be eliminated. I have debt. My house is old and inefficient. Really?

Daily, I experience abundance.

Discovery Park blackberry blossoms... in November.
#Hopespringseternal.

I have choices. So many choices. And resources beyond measure. I am not materially wealthy, and yet, I have extended family and friends to share meals with. A life partner who loves me. A warm home to come back to. A cat to snuggle with. A job, for now, that gives me a paycheck in exchange for work. I am healthy and generally happy.

I also understand that I am my own security and I will (almost for certain) always be OK. I can choose. I am lucky to live where I do. I benefit from the legacy of my ancestors and my circumstances.

This isn't true for everyone. Yes, there will always be difference, injustice, and inequity. But does the gap have to be so... gaping?

How do we change this? 

#choice #hope