Goodbye, goody-two-shoes, hello determination

Can you see what's possible? 

"Don't smoke. It's bad for you." 

As a pint-sized, pig-tailed 8-year-old, I'd speak my mind to random strangers smoking in public, whether or not it was appropriate.  

Never mind my whole family smoked like chimneys, or that, in those days, everyone smoked, everywhere, and second-hand smoke wasn't a thought. 

Then in fifth grade, my Barbie-looking teacher added fuel to my fire when her doctor-husband came to class for a real-time experiment. We tested the effects of smoking with our vice principal; as he smoked a cigarette in class, we watched his blood pressure rise with each inhalation. We filled glass jars with smoke, and angel hair standing in for lung tissue immediately blackened. Preserved lungs drove the point home: healthy and pink vs ravaged by tar-and-nicotine. This affirmed my point.  

Goodbye, goody-two-shoes... 
If 'goody-two-shoes' is a new expression for you, here's a definition. 

So you'd think I'd never consider smoking, right? You'd be wrong... 

The summer between 6th and 7th grade, as I graduated from elementary to junior high school, I found a new set of friends. My caregivers were gone; grandparents were recently deceased, my mom worked full time. I had no one to be accountable to, nor anyone to notice what I was up to. 

It started simply enough. My girlfriends and I would steal cigarettes from our parents and then practice smoking in my basement or out bedroom windows. At first, I was dizzy and sick. But I was committed to cool, solidly determined to smoke, so each hit of nicotine became easier. Soon, I was a full-blown smoker. 

It wasn't long before I wasn't just a casual smoker. I liked to smoke, so I smoked a lot. Parties, drinking... more smoking. Maybe a few stimulants, and a lot of feeling awkward... more smoking.  

While always outspoken, as a teen I took that to new levels. I didn't like it if I couldn't smoke, and I lived by 'better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.' 

This lasted about 10 years. 

The stigma

Directionless and purposeless, I quit college for a boring admin job and then found myself suddenly back home when my roommate had an emotional breakdown. I wasn't happy, but I somehow had the presence of mind to know I needed a 'real' job, different than the crappy 'throwaway' jobs I'd had so far. One thing I knew for sure, I wasn't following family footsteps in any capacity.  

As I interviewed, I decided smoking wasn't cool anymore, and by smoking, I was just like my family. So I stopped, even though smoking was still common, and we still weren't talking about second-hand smoke. (An aside: Most of the men I noticed weren't smoking, either.) I saw people taking smoke breaks in front of office buildings; I didn't want to be one of them.    

Determination

Two weeks before starting my new job at a travel agency in the heart of downtown Seattle, I smoked my last cigarette. I had a plan; I ate a lot of carrots, skipped the bars for a weekend or two, went for a lot of walks, and took a lot of deep breaths.  

I can't say it was easy, but once I decided, I never looked back. Kinda like when I started...  

I still drank pretty heavily off and on and did some things I'm not proud of, but I never started smoking again. When I met my current partner, 20-some years ago, he smoked, so I played with fire and took the occasional hit. But I knew I didn't want to be a smoker again. I still had smoking dreams, and I'd wake up in a panic thinking I had to quit again, mad at myself, and then realize it was just a dream. 

New awareness 

Because I still had plenty of other bad behaviors and habits, I wasn't yet on a wellness path, but giving up cigarettes was a turning point. Suddenly a lot more mattered. And I saw what I was capable of. 

At some point, hindsight again being 20/20, I understood my penchant for smoking had less to do with addiction and more to do with my lack of self-confidence. Cigarettes were something I could hide behind.  

What I learned? 

I could do anything I set my mind to: from getting the job I wanted at the company I wanted to work for, to quitting something studies show is the hardest addiction to kick. 

It started with a decision, a lot of determination, and a vision of what's possible. Even though I still struggled with self-worth and continued to trip myself up in other ways, this one action set myself up for ongoing success. 

Now, I see I've achieve what I've set my mind to, and I have evidence that supports doing it again.  

While I have odds in my favor that some don't, I'm no better or stronger or more capable than anyone else. It's wanting something bad enough, envisioning the possibilities, believing in ourselves just enough to make it happen, and taking that next step.   


If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

The fixings of possibility

A world of abundance

So many of us in the northern hemisphere are incredibly fortunate when we compare our lives to the world at large. But as the divide between rich and poor continues to increase, the wealth gap ever-widening, there are more of us who aren't so lucky. 

Here in the US, we have millions who live below the poverty line, and there are growing numbers of people who have nowhere to go at night other than an urban, unsanctioned, and makeshift campsite. This is all a giant shouldn't be and why those who have the power to enact policy to at least keep people fed and safe don't do that befuddles me beyond comprehension.  

Wise choices 

That said, we're all blessed to live in a time of inconceivable prosperity, although for many, there is no trickle-down. The majority who read this blog I assume live in a place where you can make choices that serve you, and you can course-correct when you make a bad decision. Peter Arnell, in his book Shift, wrote, "we can be our own aspiration." 

That's the stuff I write about most of the time. I love that we can choose a better life for ourselves with every decision we make. 

But it's important to remember that not everyone can—or at least, they don't know they can. We're all blessed with free-will, too, but even that's a non-starter for so many. If you can barely take care of your physiological and safety needs, it's highly unlikely you'll think about or maybe even know about the higher levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. 

Celebrate your gifts 

Danielle LaPorte, author of The Firestarter Sessions and other amazing books and resources, wrote on Instagram, "Can we be grateful for what we have when others are going without?" Yes, she says. Be modest and respect others, but celebrate all you're blessed with. 

She's right—because when we have more resources, we can do more, be more, share more. When we live into our potential, or lift ourselves up, we put that into the universal energy field and lift others up, too. 

We're grounded in belief

Yes, we all have the fixings of possibility (thanks to Liberte for the phrase). Even those who seemingly have nothing. But sadly, they don't know it, and may not have a way to find out. They haven't received a hand up and may rely on handouts, which feed their bodies but not their souls. As I view our growing homeless community, I wish I could help in a way that matters most—at that deep subterranean level where we know we have value.  

No matter where you live or what your experience, so much of what we have as adults is based on what we believe. No one spoke more eloquently and meaningfully about this than Austrian psychologist Viktor Frankl, in Man's Search for Meaning, who spent years in a Nazi concentration camp.  

Those living in abject poverty may not know any other way. They may believe that's all they're worth. Many come from childhoods with countless 'adverse events' with no tools or resources to change. They may have never had a lucky break, a mentor, or an opportunity to see life from a different vantage point. Eric Butterworth, in Spiritual Economics, writes, "We have been erroneously conditioned to believe that our lives are completely shaped by what happens around us and to us. But life is lived from within-out. It's not what happens 'out there', but what we do or how we think about what happens."

What we believe can keep us in poverty, lonely, and unwell. It's for those reasons we owe it to ourselves and everyone else to use our freedom and privilege wisely and to do what we can to live from an abundant mindset. 

Know your worth

Those fixings of possibility? Know your worth, know you're part of something bigger, and carry with you at all times the mindset of abundance, gratitude, and generosity. Even if you don't feel privileged, if you live in the US, particularly in the Pacific Northwest, you likely benefit from some kind of privilege by the very fact you live where you do. 

When we acknowledge and accept this, we can make choices that contribute to a better world. We owe it to those who have less to make smart choices, to expand our capacity to be the best we can be, and to model the way for others. And, extend a helping hand in whatever way you can, in a way that's meaningful to you. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Deciding means nothing without action

The face in this stump taunts. 

One piece of early career advice came when I was an ad agency account coordinator. Always eager to grow and learn, I asked Stan, a senior PR guy I respected, for words of wisdom. Those words stayed with me: Make a decision, any decision. Just make one.

I got to test that soon after for one of my clients, the sponsor of a major local parade. A team of classic convertible Mustangs were set to open the show, but for reasons unknown, no one was around to direct the drivers to start. When I realized I was the only one from our team there, a mere coordinator, I made a decision, got them moving, and the parade began.

While being decisive is a highly valued skill in business, decision making doesn't come easy for everyone. Easier is second guessing, doubting our own judgement, or acquiescing to those we think know better. So that was good advice, something I've heeded ever since.

But here's a catch.

To decide doesn't mean anything if no action follows.

Decisions must have action steps

Janine Driver, in a recent TEDx talk in Houston, made me think a little deeper about decisiveness. There's a lot of wiggle room around the word decide, which is both good news and bad news, depending on who's doing the deciding. 

We can decide to change our lives, our thoughts, our experience—something I write about frequently. We can decide to lose weight, or decide on a New Year's resolution. But if we don't take action, that decision is an empty promise. 

So just because you decide something doesn't mean it's set in stone. Make a bad decision? Chances are, you can fix it. A good decision? Breathe a sigh of relief! 

Well-informed decisions are the best kind: when we have enough information about the topic at hand, we can make decisions that matter. 

When it isn't your decision

Sometimes others make decisions for us, and let's say we don't agree with those decisions. While some decisions are irreversible, like a job layoff, others... well, they may be negotiable. 

Driver adds 'ly' to decide and says, "Decidedly because changes what was." Yes, that's awkward, but stay with me for a moment. The clincher is in the word because. She says words that end in 'ly' are wiggle words—words like typically, usually, likely, and while most of us don't use the word 'decidely', she has a point.

Decided means there may be another way. Just like typically. Or usually. Or likely. All of these have an out-clause, meaning there's another potential option. The 'ly' added to a word creates uncertainty. Sure, it may be in part semantics, but when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. 

How we make decisions

Driver describes the decision-making process: we research, then we reason (because), which leads to results. In my above example, the research was done previously: I knew what was supposed to happen. But reason showed up when I realized there wasn't anyone there actually doing what had to be done, that someone had to do it, and that someone was me. The result was that the parade started on time.

Ask for what you want

Her point was this: fight for what you want. If we hear those words: decide(dly), typically, usually, likely, that means there are other options. 

She cited a work situation: If your boss says they usually don't promote employees until after their first full year, but you feel you deserve a promotion, usually is your out-clause. Ask for what you want. Usually means an exception can almost certainly be made.

Words matter. 

Make a decision

Whenever I find myself floundering, stuck, or unsure, I tell myself: Just make a decision. Doesn't matter if it's the right one or the best one. Just make one. Everything starts with a decision. Even if it's just what to wear to work, or more broadly, where to work. 

Keep in mind, there are no mistakes, just opportunities to learn. Try on whatever you decide, act on it, see if it fits. If what you decided feels flawed or doesn't work the way you thought it would, change it. But make a decision.  

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Whose voice matters?

Whose voice do you give power to? 

When you have a decision to make, or you put yourself out there in some way, and you can't quite make the leap or get there on your own━maybe you're afraid to make a mistake, the unknown feels too risky, that you might look foolish, or you want some kind of approval or validation━how do you get clarity or find support?  Who do you go to for help? 

Many of us look to those we respect or care about━family, friends, mentors, etc.━but what if what they tell you doesn't ring true for you? What if you find yourself angry? What if you suddenly know they're wrong, and you're right? They probably mean well, but clearly, they didn't get it. They don't get "you" or what you want to undertake or achieve. 

Do you consider their input, take their advice, or just go for it anyway?  

"I hear the voices..."

Maybe you don't want anyone else's opinion... but there's still another voice that factors in━the ghosts of people and situations past. Those voices in our head (and not the "I hear the voices..." type) that influence our decisions: our parents, teachers, previous bosses, or a myriad of others who in some way influenced us or got under our skin (and into our psyches). These often evolve into our inner critic, the voice I sometimes call my "inner mean girl" when the voice tells me I'm an idiot, or that my ideas have no basis. 

These stem from something we heard or experienced in childhood━we took someone's opinion of us, a situation, or our ideas, and gave it meaning. We carry these 'stories' with us━usually always negative━unless we actively work to reprogram our self talk.  

It's all information... 

The voices of others, and those in our heads, can be looked at as information. We can choose whether or not to give them deeper meaning. They help us shape our thinking━we can decide if what they say makes sense, or if it doesn't fit with what we think or believe. 

Opinions are just that; if it's an informed opinion expressed by someone who's been where you want to go or done what you want to do, take what you need and leave the rest. So often, though, it's not informed, and in fact, may be ill-informed and have the potential to be detrimental to your decision-making. 

Too often I give the opinions of others or my own repetitive story far too much weight━outweighing my own innate wisdom, my inner intelligence, even my own knowledge.  


Check in with your insides... 


How do you know when it's not your own true voice, or if someone's opinion isn't in your best interest? Check in with your body. If the voice is in your head and not your gut. If the opinion causes self-doubt but doesn't feel true. If either makes you question your capability. 

What do you really want to do? Say? Think? Do that. I hear a clichéd, disingenuous "you do you" but really, that's exactly what you need to do. Do you. Listen to your heart, your guts. That's your soul talking. The part of you that has to live in this world and not regret your time here in the end. 

Sure, it's important to consider the impact of your actions on others and on real responsibilities, if there is, indeed, an impact, but that's not what this post is about.

The voices in your head or other's well-meaning opinions may help you make a more informed decision, but they're not the decider.  Only you know innately what's best for you. 

Do that. 

Your voice━your authentic, gut-level, inner-soul-knowing━is the voice that matters.