Practicing impermanence

Callas are symbols of both rebirth
and death. They die back each year,
but the next year, they're stronger,
more beautiful, and more plentiful
than the year before. 

I am reminded this month of life's impermanence. Although I believe we are all energy, and energy can't be created or destroyed and only changes form, as humans on this mortal plane, we are impermanent. 

So as in life, so as in death.  

As humans, we are ever-changing, moment-by-moment, with every breath. As humans, we attach identity and meaning, but we choose these, either consciously or unconsciously. 

Our circumstances are also impermanent. And this is all good news.  

May is a month of anniversaries for me: the week after Mother's Day is the anniversary of my mom's death—this year marks 19 years. Her sister, who preceded her in death by several years, also left her earthly body in May. There are more. 

I currently have friends who just lost or are about to lose their closest relationships—one whose father recently transitioned, another whose parents are nearing their final days, and another whose date with death is literally planned through a MAID, or Medical Assistance in Death. It's not an easy time for many. 


The gift of presence


Death is hard for those who are left behind. 

On the same side of anguish, however, is presence. Death changes us, marks us, and shifts our perspective, reminding us of our own impermanence. Which makes today, our present moment, that much more meaningful and precious. 

On the other side of anguish is gratitude—for the moment, for our current experience, and for the future we still get to create. For the memories and gifts of those who left. 

On the other side of loss is forgiveness—for words unsaid, deeds undone, and grace not given. 

Parallel to pain is beauty—without pain, we cannot experience joy, happiness, contentment, nor peace. 

Perspective...

Physical loss is real, however the gifts that accompany that loss never leave us. We gain perspective. We grow appreciation. We soften over time as memories fade but feelings remain. We gain compassion and empathy, and are more likely to see others from a widened point of view.  

And, just as we are impermanent, so are our circumstances. There are other losses in my life right now. Changes at work and home, with friends and family. 

Change has many benefits... 

Impermanence serves us. We are not stuck. We can change how we think about our experience, change our response, and see our circumstances through a new lens.  

While loss of loved ones is truly one of the hardest things ever, I will always be grateful for change. Change is hopeful. Change is interesting, bringing meaning, substance and expansiveness from which we grow and learn. I wouldn't want to be the person I was in my youth, or even 20 years ago. Ugh! I am SO grateful for change. I have gained wisdom and experience that only comes with age and change. 

Good, bad, or otherwise, change happens, and our best option, for our highest and greatest good, is to find our way to peace with that. We must go through—there is no shortcut. If you're struggling with change, or the idea of impermanence, Buddhist sage Pema Chodron may be the preeminent authority and her foundation has many useful resources. 

Embrace what is...

We must embrace the anguish, the bittersweet experience that engulfs all loss. Mourn what was. Miss our loved ones. And trust that on the other side, life has its sweet rewards. There are still precious memories to make. Experiences to have. People to meet. I love yous to say. We will grow through loss, gain much, and love ourselves and each other that much more for it.  

Without impermanence, there would be no life.  


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Listen with your heart, not your ears

(Source: "the good quote")

A friend and I stopped for an appetizer after stocking up on produce at the local farmers market, and a comment she made about how I prioritized my time prompted a curt knee-jerk reaction from me. I caught myself and apologized, but this isn't the first time I reacted this way to her.

Knowing that our relationships are our greatest source of growth, that we humans are complicated, and that we all have blinders, I spent time journaling, had a sleepless night, and got more clear about why I react to her; this doesn't happen with anyone else.

We know what we know...

We think we know someone else's experience based on our own experience. But we don't, not really. We can attempt to walk in another's shoes, and empathy is essential, but we each have different reference points with different needs and desires.

I often say words matter, but I'll also add that tone, body language, and facial expressions also matter and are subject to interpretation.  

My friend has a way of being with me that taps into my self-doubt, where I question and judge myself. I actually felt judged. I felt unseen, disregarded. I felt mothered in a way that wasn't motherly. And I reacted defensively—only for a moment, but enough to change the dynamic.  

Relationships take two


I kept journaling, and a conversation with an 'intentional conversation' partner reminded me of The Four Agreements—one agreement is not taking anything personally, and another is don't make assumptions. 

I can't make this personal. If she is judging me, it's about her and not me. I know my friend isn't happy. Could it be that her unhappiness shows up in how she perceives me, how she interacts with me, and could be what I react to? Maybe. I won't assume, but it's worthy of consideration. 

My journal, and author Joe Dispenza's
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself

And... all relationships take two. My responsibility is to consider how I hear, ask clarifying questions, and clear misconceptions. Instead of feeling judged and unseen by her words, I can listen differently. Just as we see from our own unique lens, we hear with our own unique filters, and our monkey mind then interprets. 

What did you mean when you said that? What made you think that? Do you want to know... why I feel that way... don't have time... what I'm doing? 

We learn about ourselves from each other

In the Landmark Forum, they describe a way of listening and perceiving as "already always listening"—those unconscious filters that define what we hear. I have an already always listening for my friend—and I realize it's been developing for a while. I'm not wrong when I say I feel unseen—so much has changed both for me and about me in recent years that she has no insight into, but if I care enough, it's my responsibility to speak up and be both seen and heard. I haven't done that. 

This also requires trust, and I'm not sure we have that right now.

So, I'm going to listen with my heart and not my ears, and do my part to use my voice and claim my space, and see what changes. I can also listen with love and compassion, knowing she's having a hard time and may have clouded vision. 

I don't want to react. No one has power over this but me. When we know better, we do better, said Maya Angelou. I hope I know better in the future.   

Is there anyone you have an already always listening for? Do you anticipate what someone will say or how they'll say it? Again, all relationships take two... It may be up to them to change what they say or how they talk, and up to you to speak up and listen differently.  


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

A simple mindset shift changes everything

Callas: a symbol of
purity or death,
depending on what you
believe: kill that self-
defeating self-talk and
replace it with pure goodness.

Louise Hay first taught me to "change my thoughts, change my life" back in the 1980s when she published You Can Heal Your Life. I've used this strategy many times since, although sometimes it takes me a while to get there. It's simple, but not easy, and my brain's been known to play tricks. 

For example, a simple abundance lesson... My self-talk around money for a long time was two-fold: there's never enough, and I can't afford it. I didn't have good money models growing up, with mom living paycheck to paycheck or on credit, with plenty of emotional shop therapy. I see now how our money mindsets are much deeper than they appear.  

Clarify your priorities...

Checking your mindset about money, your self-worth, and what you believe you deserve are all pieces of your financial well-being. When I finally let go of those two beliefs, and dug deeper around other beliefs that impacted my well-being, like what I can have and what I can't, my financial well-being improved. Now, I no longer say I can't afford it. Instead, I have choices: 

• this is or isn't how I want to spend my money; 
• it is or isn't a priority; 
• it is or isn't aligned with what I say I want... 
• and if it's something I really want but the money isn't in the bank, I can focus on creating better circumstances to get it. Once committed, providence moves... 

...But I'll add a caveat: We have to know the stories we tell ourselves and actively work to change them to change our experience. 

Rethink your words

I had a huge a-ha the other morning.

I mentioned in my last post I started a 10-day Life Optimization challenge, which starts out with some intense (for me, given how little I do lately) exercise. I found myself thinking, "I'm really out of shape." There's a Facebook member group where participants share our experience, and someone else wrote something similar. But coach and facilitator Ryan Niddel's response took that "change my thoughts, change my life" mindset to a new level for me.  

His response? Instead say, "It feels so good to be getting in shape again."

Mic drop. 

So simple, but so big.  

Change your energy...

When I shifted my focus, my energy changed immediately. Until then, my backstory was: this is a ton of work; I'm never going to get back in shape; I don't know if I can do this... and I was a little sad, frustrated and discouraged. But that one shift in self-talk changed everything. My energy level increased. I now feel encouraged and hopeful. The pain in my arms and abdominals almost feels good! At least, it's a very present reminder that I'm doing something good for myself.

Lily of the valley
symbolizes a
"return to happiness"

...Change your experience

Another story: A woman in the group didn't have all the ingredients for the green smoothie we added on day 2, nor the money to buy them. But on day 3, she decided she was worth the investment, and used the last of her money to buy the ingredients because of that mindset message. She looked radiant in the selfie she posted (selfies are required; yet another step out of my comfort zone). 

On his podcast, Ryan recently talked about a similar situation when looking for a new office. He has several options available, all at different price points, and the amenities that either do or don't come with that. As he ponders his choices... does he want to play small or step into something bigger? How will each of these options make him feel about his business? About going to work every day? What impact will his environment have on his productivity? Will spending more on something he truly desires create a better outcome? Will spending less contribute to playing smaller? 

These types of decisions have the potential to be self-fulfilling prophecies... Just sayin'... 

That's not to say we should behave irresponsibly, but how do we decide what's responsible or if it just keeps us safe and playing small? 

What we tell ourselves has consequences

These stories are worthy of consideration when we think about the messages we tell ourselves and the impact they have on our lives. Our self-talk affects our work, our relationships, how we live, even the friends we have. 

How does what you say in your head directly influence your actions, and your results? When you think about what you want your life to look like, and how you feel about yourself, are they in alignment? And if not, what do you need to do to close the gap? How can you change your thinking to change what you experience? 


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here. 

False Evidence Appearing Real

Tell the truth about your fears
and find room to blossom. 

Often on the way to work, if I'm not listening to a meditation or affirmation on Insight Timer, I'm listening to Ryan Niddel's 15 Minutes to Freedom podcast. How I found this guy is anyone's guess, but he's a pretty astute 35-year-old. Interestingly to me, as it tests my previous assumptions, I've found a few of these mid-30s high-EQ, self-aware men who are putting out some introspective, helpful content. I've mentioned Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck in previous posts, to name another.  

A little dose of discomfort

Anyway, nothing like quickly getting comfortable being uncomfortable. 

Ryan's podcasts have compelled me to do a few things I'm surprised by, including today's Facebook Live videos within a group site he's facilitating. A week ago I signed up for 10 days of training through his Life Optimization coaching program—a special promotion and a deal at $20. What a great way to sample his coaching style without a big investment. Who wouldn't want to optimize their life? It starts Monday, but in typical Ryan fashion, there's some 'pre-work' to get you ready for the real work that's coming. Of course, the next two weeks promise to be my busiest at work yet. You know what they say, yes? If you want to get something done, ask a busy person. 

You can check Ryan out here. 

I bring this up because as mentioned, today I recorded not one but two Facebook Live videos—both videos on topics related to what I want from the 10-day program, as well as life overall. Video is totally out of my comfort zone; a Facebook Live video is over the top. I quite like being right here, typing away on my laptop. 

But you know what? I did it, and it wasn't so bad. And nothing bad happened as a result. I got a little more comfortable in my own skin, with expressing myself differently, with saying out loud a few things that are important to me. Go figure. 

Getting real about fear...

A few podcasts ago, I heard Ryan talk about fear, or rather, what I recall hearing was this awesome acronym I'd never heard before: False Evidence Appearing Real. 

I couldn't tell you the context of the podcast now. This brilliant acronym was my takeaway. No idea who coined it. Looking it up online results in a number of references  (none of which I've read yet, and may not). But it seems appropriate right now, as I think about how uncomfortable I was just thinking about doing those videos. 

Stay present

Think about it. Most of our fears never come true, whether about big things or small things (like Facebook videos...). They're based on what we think we might happen. And not just what might happen, but the worst that can happen. 

Yet, how often does anything really work out that way? How often are our worst fears realized? How often is the evidence we collect even really valid?  

Next time you feel fearful, nervous, or uncomfortable about something, think about it this way: it's almost certainly just false evidence. Maybe it feels real. But is it? I'm going to take my own advice here when I say 'don't fear the unknown,' as I have a lot of 'known unknowns' ahead. 

Staying present to where you are right now is key.  

Be bold...

Mark Twain said, "some of the worst things in my life never happened." He also said, "courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not the absence of fear." 

So let's not get stopped by fear. Go forth and be courageous, and remember that fear really just means false evidence trying to throw you off track. Once upon a time back when we got started as humans, fear kept us alive and well. To a degree, it can still keep us safe, but now it's overused. Don't let fear drive. Buckle it into the backseat, and go. 

Who was it that said "feel the fear and do it anyway"? Do that! I long ago told myself that when fear crept in, and I wanted to say no (because fear was driving), it was my queue to say yes. 

Onward! 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here.