Buy nothing

Until now, I've had no interest in the "buy nothing" piece of the sustainability movement. But my motivation has changed. So today begins my year of buying nothing. And I'm stating it here to help hold me to my commitment. Whether or not anyone actually reads this blog, it's still a visible declaration.

So this post isn't about the garden, but it is about being more self-sufficient and sustainable, primarily personally but also because of my commitment to doing the right thing for the planet wherever possible. I'd say this is one area I've been out of integrity.

There will be exceptions - house emergencies, cat requirements - and food and household items are of course necessary. But I have to be careful about what I consider necessary - it's far too easy to stop at the local drug store for allergy pills and pick up a new tube of unneeded lipstick or jar of lotion. I'm not a spendthrift by any means and I'm fairly frugal, but when I do shop, it's often for the wrong reasons.

Why today? My life has taken a new turn. I am looking ahead to being on my own.

For most of my life, I've equated "stuff" with safety and love. Shop therapy has served me for a long time, but no longer. A cute new skirt, a pair of shoes, a new type of anti-aging cosmetic, or something for the kitchen... I can play dress up, pretend my life is different... Sometimes I consider shopping as entertainment or my clothes as part of my creative self-expression. But it's really more than that. When I'm feeling insecure, or unsafe, or scared, these purchases offer a momentary lift.

I no longer want the distraction of the "treasure hunt" or "something new," the false sense of being whole and complete. It's time for me to address my underlying safety and insecurity issues, thanks in large part to the baggage of my youth, so that I can come to a new place of power and choice. It will be hard. I have to find new ways to validate myself and allow myself to be loved for who I am.

For the last several days, I've been purging. I have donated about 20 bags or boxes of house and personal goods to Goodwill, and taken about five bags of food to the food bank collection boxes. My recycling containers are overflowing. I hope to never have so much stuff - ever again. And I'm not done. There is still so much more "stuff" to let go of - including the biggest piece of all, the "ball and chain" my mother called my house. Both a gift and a curse, it's time to look at how it can manifest into more of the gift than the curse it's become.

I would like to live life more lightly. My last purchase was a new camera, which for me is an important tool for living.

I hope to find a way to travel within the not-too-distant future, to explore my context within the world. I don't yet know what this looks like - only that I haven't lived my life-long dreams because I've felt incapable of creating them. I had hoped to be shown the way but I don't necessarily recognize the pathway when it opens, or even believe its possible. Doing this on my own would not have been my choice and I'd prefer to move forward with my partner, but I'm owning my own life right now. Clearly, something had to happen to make it important enough to move through inertia, complacency, fear - whatever it was that stopped me. And indeed, something did.

I have a lot of work to do right now - healing, learning, planning, clean up (emotionally, financially, physically) - before anything can really happen. But the weight of what I've been learning this last week tells me that it is infinitely important to do this work, take these steps, and own my past, present and future.