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| Tybee Island gulls, chatting among themselves. |
I have a voice. So do you.
Do you hear me? Good. Because we all need to be heard.
A few nights ago, I woke up in the wee hours, a bit unsettled... dreaming that my partner of 17+ years told me we were getting married on May 23. What??? I'm on the fence about marriage, so that wasn't what nagged me. I believe the dream was a gut reaction to my birthday present: he planned my - our - vacation. Now, don't get me wrong. For the most part, I'm OK with this. He has good ideas, and I know we'll have fun together; that he was so thoughtful and actually took the time to plan this, well, that's awesome. His choice was one of several places we considered; we just hadn't collectively decided yet (
and because of some history and my limited vacation time, I wanted to weigh in). Really, it's a small thing, in this context.
However...
...what this brings up for me are the many times throughout my life where I haven't had a voice - haven't had a say, haven't had a choice. Where choices have been made for me. And I've had a few sleepless nights lately thinking about this. That's where the unsettled feeling came from.
My partner and I have come far in our 17+ years together. We have invested time and energy to learn about ourselves, and each other. A few years ago, we made a concerted effort to learn how to talk with each other, to set aside our filters and assumptions when we're listening, or at least, only assume positive intent. (
Why is it so easy to assume the worst, even from those who love us?) To not let our stories about ourselves (e.g., "
I can't do anything right...") get in the way of how we hear what the other is saying.
Because when we hear with our filters, we miss the message and the conversation becomes about me, not us, not the person we're engaged with. We're largely conditioned to hear what we want to hear, what we may have expected to hear, if not now, then at some point in our lives. Yes, that's right. We collect evidence for the stories about ourselves we're familiar and comfortable with - even if we don't like them (
does "I can't do anything right" translate to "I'm not good enough?" It just might, for some of us; note that these are common interpretations). Maybe we don't recognize those self-sabotaging stories yet. If not, we're more likely to get triggered. Which shuts down any opening for conversation.
So how do we talk with each other, speaking up and honoring ourselves, when we risk triggering someone's stuff? What happens if we shut down and don't say anything?
Staying quiet about what we care about serves no one. Staying quiet is a recipe for disaster. Really, it just prolongs an uncomfortable situation.
So we learn to speak up.
We speak from a place of love and respect. We pay attention. We check in. We know there might be filters and triggers; we ask questions. And we speak what's true for us, from the inside out. It's not about having the last word, or the first word, but engaging in meaningful conversation.
He and I have worked very hard at this, and it's paid off. (
So at some point, he and I are going to talk, but because he's aboard a ship off the coast of Florida, we haven't yet been able to talk about it with any depth. As he is wont to remind me, timing is everything.)
Timing is important, but it's not the be all, end all. Sometimes, there's never a good time. Sometimes, speaking up in the moment is essential for our well-being - and even safety. And sometimes, taking the time to think through the message we want to impart or just being courteous are our best options. But silence rarely is.
Good judgment speaks volumes. Choice of words and tone are also important. Lashing out is not speaking up. Accusing or attacking aren't speaking out.
Speaking up is speaking our truth, sharing our feelings, expressing our opinions, standing up for ourselves, while honoring ourselves and our relationships.
I've had to learn - and unlearn - a lot.
Not being heard goes back to childhood, growing up in an environment where I was frequently dismissed. In my teens, my mouth got me in trouble:
Notice me! But by then I had a lot of anger and this didn't help my cause. I didn't speak up; I lashed out. I didn't know how to use my voice; I didn't know it was OK for no to really mean no. I didn't know I had choices. Or that my opinions or what I wanted counted for something. As an adult, I largely shut up and chose not to rock boats, and was occasionally blindsided by the actions of others. Had I the tools I have now, I doubt it could happen.
So what have I learned?
- Communicating in a way that's honoring, respectful and compassionate is vital for healthy relationships - in any environment or circumstance.
- While I can't control anyone's actions or words, I'm no longer a victim of my circumstances. I can choose how I respond to what happens around me and what other people do.
- Allowing my voice to be silenced was learned behavior that can be unlearned. (Anger is also learned behavior that can be unlearned; while some anger can be healthy and motivating, expressing it appropriately is essential.)
- An argument today beats resentment tomorrow, and arguing doesn't mean the world will end. Nor does disagreement.
- Acceptance and approval need only come from me. Validation from outside sources isn't necessary. I operate from a place of high integrity; if someone doesn't like what I have to say or what I do, I'll welcome a conversation.
- How someone responds to me is their responsibility.
A few years ago I made some different choices. I knew I wanted different results in key areas of my life, including work and my relationships. And while I didn't know how to get these results, didn't even know just what I was looking for, I knew it was time for things to change. With some help, deep reflection and actively observing my own behavior, patterns and habits, things changed, and my results were different.
This is a much more powerful place to be. I know that what we internalize has to manifest in some way, and repressed anger, withdrawal, and silence can all lead to illness, crumbling relationships, depression, and so much more. If we keep our true selves, or our true feelings, blocked or invisible, we benefit no one, not even ourselves.
If it's important, speak up.
It's a new year. What are you ready to speak up for?
