When we need new friends...

Symbiotic relationships:
Life & death

When I lost my job in a 2016 reorg, it was soon clear how I relied on work for social connection. While I know a lot of people, most of my closest friends live anywhere but close--Canada, Chile, California, the UK, and the Southeast.  

While finding a job was important, I quickly realized building community and making new friends were equally important.  

Studies now show that social connection is as important for health and longevity as good sleep, a good diet, and not smoking. But interestingly, studies also show we'll sync with those we spend the most time with, e.g., if our social network is largely unhealthy, we're more likely to be unhealthy, too. 

Who we spend time with matters.

Intentional connection

Not long after the layoff, my partner went back to work—he's a merchant mariner away on ships for months at a time. While he's not my everything, he's my a-lot-o'things—companion, confidant, cheerleader, housemate, playmate... When he leaves for work, those first coupl'a weeks are like losing an appendage until I find my groove. I had a big gap.  

But I couldn't fill that gap randomly; I wanted people who shared my values and had a growth mindset. While I again lived in the city I grew up in and had "friends" both old and new, I enjoyed seeing some online. But I knew they wouldn't be part of the intentional "community" I wanted to create now.  

Desired experience 

So I considered the kinds of connection I wanted, what I wanted to do, learn, and experience, who I wanted to learn from, as well as where I could contribute. 

Those I spent time with must share some degree of optimism, gratitude, a willingness to expand their horizons, authentic generosity, and a curiosity about the world at large. That doesn't leave room for scarcity mindsets, victims, or even happy doomers. 

It's a life-affirming approach, knowing we create the lives we want and contribute to a better world.      

Relationship audits

Sometimes we outgrow our friends—and not just those from high school. There's a saying I don't love, but it's applicable: Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And that's OK. We're on this earth to grow, and we're all on different paths.  

I know a few people who regularly audit their "friends" on Facebook. I don't do this because that's time I don't want to spend, but I do find it important to audit IRL friends. Some friendships are deep and meaningful, and some are just for fun... both have value, but the question I ask about whether a friendship still fits, is: Do I feel energized or drained after being with that friend?  

Where to find friends

While we can find "community" in many places, making new friends isn't always easy for many adults. A recent Broken Brain podcast discussed this in-depth and offered ideas to find and create more meaningful friendships. 

Here are some examples of what I did that stuck: 

• I found a great professional women's group on Meet-Up, went to monthly meetings, took a few workshops, and have now had coffee with someone I have some things in common with; this may be the start of a new friendship.
• I went to the Seattle Lean In chapter's monthly meetings. At one of them, I ran into a former colleague and we decided to start a Lean In 'small circle' together with an assigned group of participants. We now meet monthly and the acquaintances are deepening into friendships. 
• Despite being church-averse, the spiritual center nearby intrigued me, so I dropped in on Sundays and signed up for a class--which led to more classes, volunteer work, and a few social activities. I can now say honestly I have new like-minded friends.  
• Online groups, while not the in-person connection I craved, filled some holes; one professional development group has a few locals in it, so I planned a get-together in December and a couple of coffee dates with others.  



Amazing Grace Spiritual Center, a
Center for Spiritual Living, on
their 10th anniversary

• I also found no shortage of volunteer opportunities, a great way to meet people. About the same time I was laid off, I was matched with a 'little' through the Big Sisters program, which did two things: it forced me to try new activities, and gave me a good reason to say no to other things--which can be as or more important than saying yes. 

An important outcome now that I'm busier: I pay close attention to who gets my time, why they get it, and how much I share my thoughts and feelings. Only some get my true self with the vulnerable parts. That takes time and reciprocal effort.  

Did it work? 

The short answer: from each of these efforts, I now have not just community, but individuals I call friends. 

Relationships are like mirrors, reflecting back on what we believe about the world and ourselves. Generally, we have to like the reflection or at least be open to it. If we don't, we can gauge whether it's an opportunity to learn and thereby worth looking at, or whether it's time to let go. 

Our health and wellness, including mental and emotional health, may depend on how we answer.   



If you like this post or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to subscribe (see right column), share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here. 

The art and practice of forgiveness

Roses are the flowers of love,
a true love stronger than thorns. 
Forgiveness is the ultimate
act of love. 

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we do, along with self-compassion. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting, or letting someone off the proverbial hook. But it is about letting go, and creating space for peace of mind. 

Forgiveness also isn't about doing something for someone else; while it is a gift to them, it's an even bigger gift to yourself. 

Practicing forgiveness

I had an experience last weekend that took me by surprise, and triggered an emotional response that I in no way expected. 

So now, I'm trying to find space within myself to forgive: my friend, who's grieving a major loss and lashed out in anger, and myself, for not anticipating that something I said could be received in a way I hadn't intended, and for my teary and completely befuddled and reactive response. I believe fully that the few words I chose were said with no intent to minimize or take away from her in-the-moment experience. And, that's how they landed.     

...Holding space

Holding space for someone isn't easy. It's being present and allowing what is to just be. It's stillness, understanding, grace, and getting our egos out of the way. It's also forgiveness. 

As Amy Wright Glenn writes in Holding Space, On Loving, Dying and Letting Go, we fear holding space in part because we don't want to say the wrong thing. "We don't want to add to the pain and suffering." Of course we don't. I certainly didn't. And yet, even though my words came from love, and while in no way meant to add to or even ease suffering, they were heard in ways I didn't and couldn't predict.  

Under normal circumstances, my friend would assume positive intent... (the only kind of assumption we should ever make, by the way, and one we should make often), but grieving such a loss isn't a normal circumstance. 

Letting go...

Surrender. Forgive. Let go. Those are the words that keep coming up for me as I process my own experience this last weekend. We all do the best we can in any given circumstance with the knowledge and capability we have. I know this to be true, in this case for her and for me; I also know "one's best" may be different every day, every moment, and that not everyone will see one's best in the same same way.  

Relationships are truly the hardest things we do, and there are times when I want to throw up my hands and say, "I'm done!" and isolate like my mother did. But that's not the answer. 

Practicing presence

Show up. Listen. Witness. That's what we do for the grief-stricken. I did those things, as well as cried, held, and honestly said few words.  

I'm not a therapist, and I know better than to wear my coaching hat when not asked. I showed up as a caring friend and nothing more. And yet, my few words were interpreted as the wrong words, words that apparently felt invalidating and unsupportive of her feelings and her need to be present with them, pushing her along before she was ready. 

I know myself well enough to know I wouldn't invalidate or not support. We must go through our experience, and the more we can dive in, bathe in it, breathe it in, the more meaningful and powerful it will be for us. It's necessary—and yes, it's necessary for healing. 

Because we do heal from loss and grief. 

And while loss stays with us until we, too, say goodbye to the mortal plane, it won't always be our daily moment-by-moment experience—hard as that may be to hear when we're right there in it. We must stay in those depths for as long as it takes. There is no timeline for grief, and there are no shortcuts. The one caveat—if after a period of time (for many, it's typically one to two years), we're still overcome with sadness and can't find joy in any part of our lives, we may need to get help from a skilled outside source.  


The tension of opposites...

There is both beauty and anguish in grief. I know this from personal experience; I've had many losses throughout my life—most of my immediate family, many extended family members, and some of my closest friends have died too young, lost to disease, drugs, depression, and accidents. In my earlier days, I endured huge abandonment issues that still show up on my very worst days. 

What I know most of all is how grief shows up differently for all of us. We each have our own process, and it's even different each time. There is no pushing through. We must feel what we feel, because there are consequences if we don't. 

So... we must give ourselves and those we love a lot of grace, and the room to make mistakes—we must hold space for and forgive again, and again, and again. Because dammit, there is no great love without great loss. 

Onward. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

Winter tips for health and happiness

While the calendar still says fall, winter is settling in here in the Northwest. The days are shorter, the nights dark and long, and it's starting to get very cold by Northwest standards. Staying healthy and happy this time of year can get a little trickier as we all spend more time in closer indoor quarters. The weather, the light, and all that togetherness can affect us both physically and emotionally.

A murder of crows in a backyard tree

Since I'm often asked how I stay sane and sated, here's a look at my philosophy and a sample of my own practices for the long winter months.

Sustenance: Eat chocolate. I have a sliver of organic dark Theo chocolate every day, usually after dinner. I'm a firm believer that what we put in our bodies has an impact on how we view the world around us, and a little bit of chocolate makes me happy. By some standards, I may eat too much, but at about an ounce a day, I'm not going to worry about it. That said, I eat whole, fresh and largely organic foods and avoid most of the packaged stuff. I'm not afraid of butter, oils and cream, at least in smallish quantities. But too much sugar or fake food and I'm sluggish and depressed.

Hydration. Coffee with cream is a weakness, but I feel better if I drink more water each day. I don't buy bottled water; I've seen too much washed-up plastic on beaches and I don't trust the packagers to do any more than filter the tap, while fighting to privatize water when fresh clean stuff should be everyone's right. Filtered water from my own tap in a reusable bottle works just fine for me, or I'll make a pot of herbal tea when I need to warm up. If extra hydration is needed, coconut water offers up good nutritional value and electrolytes, and doesn't add unhealthy sugars.

Move more: While eating less and moving more is always a good idea, these are much harder for me this time of year, with moving more the hardest. A recently acquired FitBit has me tracking my steps, though, so I aim for no less than the requisite 10,000 a day to maintain some semblance of fitness. This may mean a walk at lunch, or, if I'm a few thousand steps short at the end of the day, running in place on my rebounder (the mini trampoline that lives in my dining room). I've yet to make the gym a habit but I intend to change that this winter. And when I need an inspirational lift, I plug in my Zune (yes, I'm one of the few who have one), and do some form of aerobic dance movements in my living room to old Motown. (Yes, I dance like no one's watching, and I really hope they aren't...)

Move less: Getting enough sleep is essential, and the amount needed varies by person. The suggested amount usually hovers at no less than 6 hours per person, and I am wont to get this. Yet, life looks so much rosier when I do so I continue to make the effort. Recent reports suggest it's OK to break it up into 3 or 4 hours here, another 3 or 4 hours there, with just a few hours in between. If only I had all those hours to make that work! When I boot the cat from the bedroom, I'm more likely to get my sleep. A soft heart and warm bed makes for sometimes sleepless nights.

Shilshole Marina before a storm

Get out: I'm less likely to venture out when I'm cold, especially once I'm tucked inside the house, comfortable and warm. And, I know that being in nature is good for my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being, so out I go... not always, but sometimes. To the marina, the beach, around the neighborhood... When I'm at the beach, I'm always in awe when I remember there's an entire big city behind me, and all I can see is an expansive horizon. This feeds my spirit and opens my mind and heart. I'm especially fond of these places during winter months, and at night, when there aren't many people there.

Get social: At one time a full-on extrovert, I am adopting more introverted ways as I age, so I can be just as comfortable at home as in a social environment. But research shows that a solid social circle can extend life, and therefore, I suspect, it can figuratively shorten the winters. I am content with my own company and books, magazines, and the Intranet are my friends, yet I'll admit that nothing compares to shared experience with my partner or a sister, connecting minds and hearts, enjoying a laugh. So making the effort to socialize has multiple benefits.

Get inspired: As a kid, reading opened me up to whole new worlds, and while I spend far less time with books now, a good winter tale can make even the shortest day of the year seem ... well, too short. Who inspires you? What intrigues you? Reading about people and things can spark the imagination, replenish your soul, and fill a void with ideas and dreams. I have so many books waiting to be read that I can't begin to list them, but I'm sure there's one in every genre. Or close.

Find light: Long nights coupled with gray Northwest skies can get the better of me now and then. Full spectrum bulbs and regular Vitamin D3 supplements go a long way to brighter days. Most of us who live with limited natural light need to supplement; while Vitamin D3 really doesn't have side effects, it's still a good idea to have your blood levels checked first. And... as mentioned earlier, getting outside at any opportunity, even in low light, is better than not at all. I'll admit to a penchant for Christmas lights; my pagan heart likes the light and festivity and their cheerfulness make December much more bearable.  
And lastly, there's gratitude. I think that's how all my posts close these days. I have endless things to be grateful for, and when life looks gray and grim, well, I can remind myself of all that's good in my world, and almost everything gets easier.

I believe every one of these contribute to a healthy, vibrant immune system, as well as my overall happiness. I'll also give a shout-out to being germ friendly; our love affair with anti-bacterial everything does us more harm than good, And even when I couldn't afford it, I'd find a way for a semi-regular massage. I'm convinced it keeps me both sane and sated, in every way.  

Sedona: A visit to Inspirational Drive

People flock to Sedona for inspiration, healing, connection, and so much more. Sedona is indeed inspiring, but I only learned after returning to Seattle that the house where I stayed was on Inspirational Drive. How appropriate is that?

Being home and back at work after only a few days there feels a little surreal. It's a bit like transporting myself out of this realm and into another. Everything you've ever heard about Sedona and its beauty or other-worldliness is true. And my perspective feels forever slightly shifted.

Just do it...

My intent was solely to visit and catch up with a friend of 20+ years who moved to Sedona from Vancouver, BC about five years ago. We met at work shortly after we'd both relocated from the US, newly married, and our status immediately connected us. While we've stayed in touch via phone, Facebook, email and text, our last in-person visit was three or so years ago when she moved her personal possessions from the chilly damp air of Vancouver to the radiant dry heat of Sedona.

She came through Seattle with a U-Haul filled with the contents of her storage space, not quite certain of her decision to move. I get that; it was hard for me to come back to Seattle, despite having grown up here. Sedona's small and the landscape entirely different, and it's a plane ride instead of a short drive away from everything familiar. But her family - daughter, mother, brother and sister had all moved here, in that order, and she wanted to be close to them.

I have missed our personal connection, so a visit has been on my radar for a while now. But it was never the right time. So early this year, I determined it was now or never and to just. set. a. date. Time and resources finally aligned, or maybe it was meant to be.

The nature of things

They say everything for a reason, yes? This is even more pronounced in Sedona, so apparently it was no accident that I landed here now. I am transitioning into my role as coach, claiming my life journey as valuable, stepping into my natural gifts, and open to so much more. And more is what I got. Here's a sampling of who I met, where I went, what I saw and what I learned about:

• Lightworkers, healers and shamans (oh my)
• Art, nature and unrivaled beauty
• Organic, vegan, green and raw
• Sacred space, mystery and majesty
• Chakras and the divine feminine
• Natural spring and kangen water
• Ascendant masters, spirit guides, and visiting Pleiades
• Higher vibrations, energy and sunshine 
• Yoga, rebounding and hiking
• Smudging, altars, gemstones and crystals
• Stars - a brilliant, beautiful star-filled sky
• Wonder, awe, and ... peace 

Sedona is physically, culturally and spiritually rich. While it's a relatively young city (1902), its rock / sand formations have been millions of years in the making and it's renowned the world over (perhaps universes and/ or galaxies, too?) for its vortexes and the profound energy found there as a result. UFO sightings are common. Some call it a "spiritual Disneyland." And some of the Native American cultures believe the land is sacred and shouldn't have been built on at all. True or not, Sedona does a decent job of ensuring its design laws honor the landscape in texture, color and feel. And it's not hard to summon images of rugged pioneers seeking their fortunes amidst the iron-laden soils of this wild west outpost.

One thing I was surprised by, however - given Sedona's beauty and their apparent commitment to keeping it that way - was the seemingly limited recycling / compost options. I'm curious and would like to learn more about what they're doing, or not doing - and if not, why not. I would think, given the level of earth and general environmental consciousness there, that options for both would be everywhere. If Seattle can have compost and recycling bins in their shopping malls, well, anything seems possible.

Connection

After a shuttle from Phoenix, I met Lori at the gallery where she works in Tlaquepaque, an art center in the center of the city, arriving in the middle of a new show opening. My favorite piece by the featured artist was called "Lightness of Being." Lightness of being has been an area of focus for me for the last couple years - reclaiming that feeling of lightness I recall from my unencumbered youth (usually noticed when I skipped school on a sunny spring day, but that's another story; I remember the feeling and want it back).

Lori at Thunder Mountain

Earth Wisdom Tours

Of this earth... or not

Hiking at Thunder Mountain followed the next morning, and we scored an Earth Wisdom jeep tour with Lori's brother that afternoon at no charge due to a cancellation. Earth Wisdom holds the only tour permit to access key locations that are otherwise inaccessible except privately with the right vehicle. Our fabulous dinner at Elote Cafe featured a tableside "hello" from its renowned chef.

Sunday coffee came with introductions to wisdom seekers, embodiments of spiritual masters, and shamans. And really good coffee. Shopping with Lori's daughter and granddaughter followed, and the weather turned overcast. We spent the last daylight hours at Cathedral Rock, a spectacular red outcrop, and one of four main vortexes. Back on Inspirational Drive, we watched a video about tapping into your own psychic abilities and Lori prepared a delicious, healthy meal. She later offered a card reading, and I gratefully accepted. She's a gifted reader, and I have new information to work with, and more tools to explore.

A Monday morning visit to Lori's daughter's place gave me insight into new technology that I don't have the words or understanding to explain. But I purchased a Level II pendant that is purported to increase my energy and/or vibrations. I will learn more and share later (I still need to read through this). But it's fascinating work, and I am happy there are people doing what they're doing. Our planet needs this. But it's even bigger than that. And again, I have no words. Yet. I didn't know it then but it's exactly what I wanted.

The shuttle back to Phoenix was as uninspiring as Sedona was inspiring, and it felt like a long journey back. The 'green' juice Lori made me for breakfast, however, suggested it might be time for an overall detox. It's rare that I'm happy to spend more than a couple hours at an airport, but in this case, I didn't mind. And it gave me time to reflect.

Grace

I entered this weekend with no expectations, no set plans, and a willingness to just be present and see what showed up. Grace, love and opportunity showed up for me, and I am again counting blessings. Lori and I have an ongoing friendship of give and take, sharing, supporting and helping each other, and this was evident throughout the weekend. I love what my friend is up to, and I think she feels the same about me. Inspirational, indeed.

It comes in threes...

"Stuff comes in threes." How many times have I heard that?

While it can be applied to anything, the idea or belief that things happen in triplicate is usually applied to things that are weird, unusual, or just plan unpleasant. Maybe we notice the 'threes' because we pay more attention when bad things happen, and we're ready for them to stop at a certain point. Good things could just keep happening.

I'm not sure I buy it, but right now it's ringing true.

• I attended my aunt's memorial in Los Angeles this weekend; she left the mortal coil about a month ago after living with Alzheimer's, such as living with this disease is, for about five years. I didn't know her well. She didn't want to know me as a child; as an adult, long after my dad died, she welcomed me back into her life and helped me learn about their family - the paternal side that I knew less than a paragraph about growing up. I'm grateful for that opportunity, and her willingness to at last see from a different lense.
• My 98-year-old neighbor, a pillar in my world, a woman who knew me my entire life, my mom as a teenager, my grandparents, and so many more, left us on Friday. She was my evidence that we don't have to leave this world prematurely, as so many in my own family have. Although she's been ready to go for a while, until recently, she maintained her health and independence. But over the last two years or so, her quality of life deteriorated. She couldn't spend time in her garden, and she finally gave up driving. It's difficult to comprehend that she's no longer just across the street, keeping an eye on the neighborhood, or telling stories of former neighbors, friends and events.
• A woman I've known nearly all my life - we were kids together - was diagnosed with cancer just three weeks ago. Not quite two weeks ago, she had surgery to remove the tumors in her throat. She was going in for more tests this week, but on Monday night, something was very wrong so she called 911. By the time the medics came, she had to be revived, and now she's in the hospital, unconscious. While the human spirit is capable of much and she has two young boys she loved beyond anything, it doesn't look like she's going to recover. She's 49.

None of these are really "about me." But I am deeply sad and feel very affected. Mortality is an interesting thing. We don't know how long we're here. So many leave us before it seems they should - my mom at 64, my dad at 28, my aunts at 48 and 60, grandparents at 68 and 70, cousins at 18, 52, and 54, and countless friends and acquaintances gone at a young age. Yet one could argue that we all have our time - fate, destiny, whatever you might call it (Forrest says, "If you're meant to be drown, you won't be hanged").

Or as one friend says, there are lessons for those of us left behind.

If I could, would I want to know what the future really holds? Probably not. I think it would be hard to understand those lessons and see the gifts or silver linings without truly experiencing them. Currently, lessons coming to mind are:

• not leaving anything left unsaid (especially to those we care about),
• asking myself what's really important,
• planning for the future while living for today - at least covering the bases in whatever way possible for the unpredictable and unknown (perhaps a last gift for those we leave).

But I'm hoping this is it for a while. Three feels like plenty right now because in some ways, these are markers of time... and each of these women were significant in my life for different reasons. They were all part of my history.

For today, I am grateful and happy with where I am in my life. I am healthy, happy, gainfully employed working with good people, with a man I love and adore, and have a home in a location that's hard to beat. And I have exciting plans for my future that I intend to fulfill.

Onward, yes? There's a lot of life yet to be lived, and I don't want to waste a minute.