We can't fight what we can't see

Daisies symbolize love,
beauty, and new beginnings.

There's a lot of unrest in the world right now, and this creates unrest within us, too. I'm not going to say much about the world at large here, as I aim to keep this largely apolitical, but I feel compelled to say something. 

The strife in the world is uncomfortable for many of us scary for more of us, and even dangerous for some of us. 

But I want to point out that much of what's happening in the world right now, particularly based on what people believe about the world and other people, isn't new. What's different is that those who hold beliefs about others based on ignorance and misinformation now have permission to vocalize and act on those beliefs in ways that are detrimental to individuals and the greater good. 

We can change the world

I am forever an optimist, and I believe that change is coming that will be better for all people. That said, it's likely to be painful; hell, it already is. 

Sadly, not everyone believes as I do, that "in our sameness we connect, in our differences we grow" (Virginia Satir, author, 'mother' of family therapy). Some feel very threatened by those who are different. 

But we can't change what's hidden, and with so much hate and anger now visible, we can fight it. We know what we're up against. 

For those of us who hold different beliefs, it's time to find what's ours to do. We must take a stand, speak up and speak out, and do what we can to create change. We have power, individually and collectively. 

Little things or big, it all counts

Sometimes all we can do is hold space, and that's OK. Energy matters. Putting compassionate, caring energy into the world has a profound ripple effect, so if that's all you can do, do that. 

If you can do more, do that. One singer / songwriter / friend holds "Pie and Persistence" house concerts, believing that backyard and living room gatherings with pie and music are where we connect, grow, and can make a difference. In just over two years, she's raised more than $20,000 for non-profits fighting the good fight. I've held two (and attended many more at homes all over the city): one for the National Resource Defense Council, another for Powerful Voices, an organization that supports girls of color to become leaders. I'll attest: these gatherings are powerful. 

Others are donating individually or volunteering. Many host birthday fundraisers on Facebook. Others are sharing their world views in ways that add to collective understanding and don't diminish other people. There is no shortage of opportunity to do something that matters. 

Our internal worlds are just as important

All this applies to our internal world, too. We can't change what we can't see. And to live a fulfilled, satisfying life, we must continue to learn, grow, and ultimately change. Ceasing to do so will literally kill us. 

That's why any kind of change means surfacing underlying beliefs that hold us back. Twelve-step programs require a moral inventory. Therapy and coaching require deep self-reflection. We must create awareness for those beliefs, behaviors, and mindsets that don't serve us. When we have this awareness, we can start living more mindful, conscious and empowered lives.  

What we do inside spreads outside 

When we start to live more consciously and authentically, we benefit the world at large. As we have more, we give more. As we feel happier, we spread happiness. When we do good for us, it's so much easier to do good for the world. As we have more energy, the world around us responds. Energy circulates.  

If you're not sure how to make a difference in our crazy universe, start with the two-feet in front of you and behind you. Take care of you in the best way you know how, do that deep work to find your highest and best self and remove beliefs that keep you small, and you'll be giving yourself and the world a huge gift. 

This may not be easy, but it's worth it, and definitely possible. We all deserve more joy, satisfaction, compassion, and forgiveness. 

Start with 'us'

The bottom line: to make the world a better place, whether our own individual worlds, or a much broader world, we must make visible that which is hidden. Start with you, me, us. Seek your internal truth. Give generously and often in any way you can. Don't be afraid of change. We must change. 

And eventually, love will win. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice."

Indeed, it does... 


If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find me here.

10 years: On anniversaries, getting started, starting over, and now

Our garden path, today

This month marks 10 years since I first wrote in this space—full of hope, excitement, and commitment to this new journey of writing—and gardening. 

The beginning

Growing Things started as a gardening blog, when we launched a community garden in our yard through Urban Garden Share, an online matching service for gardeners and homeowners (you can read more about that in the 'about' sidebar). But it quickly became personal when, a few months later, my partner and I separated after 13 years together. 

That first year I wrote with fervid commitment—at first it was fun as we transformed the garden space, and then it became a place to share my challenges, my pain, to express, and be witnessed. The name "growing things" took on new meaning, and the garden became a metaphor. 

Backyard

After that, even though the garden thrived, the blog languished as work and life took over. Just over a year after separating, he and I got back together, and began putting the pieces of "us" together in a new, different, and ultimately better way. 

Starting over

With help from an extraordinary therapist, he and I learned to relate to each other differently, to talk with each other and hear each other while noticing and monitoring our own filters. We learned to call each other on our stuff, gently but clearly, and even laugh about it, too. We both learned we got in our own way, and it was the "I" in the relationship who could fix it, not the we. So we focused on ourselves, and became capable of moving forward independently and together—interdependent, as we learned to call it. 

In the years following that first year, I worked hard to find my voice, both here and in real life. To speak up, not withhold or wither, to know my worth, know my value. To understand that life just is, and continue to nurture new ways of thinking and being. I still struggle on occasion with these—with my own self-confidence and the limiting beliefs that linger in the background, threatening to unearth themselves and derail me. 

But overall, I wouldn't trade any of these experiences. I've learned to be comfortable being uncomfortable, to be more brave, and that without challenges and pain, my life would be very different, and far less satisfying. 

Recommitting

Together and separately, we have dreams, goals, and ideas, respect how each other interacts with the world, and know we both act with our best interests in mind—no longer in our own way, or that of each other. 

Early years

Since this online journal came to be, he's traveled the world by ship, I've had a couple different jobs, and thanks to life's constant insistence that we grow and not get complacent, we've had many opportunities to further our inward journeys. 

To say it's occasionally been a slog, well, yes. Yes it has. Nothing seems to move at the pace we'd prefer. We've had countless bumps, hills, roadblocks, potholes, and the occasional crater slow us down. His recent work injury is the latest crater, with a 9 - 18 month healing window and an inability to do much with his right arm due to intense shoulder pain. A few years ago, I was laid off when my employer re-organized and I nosedived into a confidence crisis. A few years earlier, he took a circuitous route to a career change that required more learning and growing. And within those 10 years, our three precious furkids all took turns going over the rainbow bridge and for the first time, we are without cats. 

"In the shade of the old apple tree,
there's a place just for you and for me... "

And here we are, 10 years later. I'm still writing. We're stronger together. The garden continued until two years ago, when we ended the relationship with the current garden partners and made plans to sell the property. That's one of those slow parts—two years later, the city is still backlogged and we haven't moved forward. While my heart will ache when we finally say goodbye—I have often said I'd miss the Gravenstein more than I'd miss the house I live in, the tree and the property require more time, money, and resources than I can give them. It's more complicated than I'll go into here, but the house and garden are on separate lots, and given circumstances, keeping the house makes more sense than keeping the garden. 

While I'd love to kick things into higher gear—his healing, his work goals, the property sale, my developing career and personal goals, travel plans—there's not much I'd change. I know that through pain, we grow, and without it, we wouldn't have joy. 

We have a lot of joy in our lives, and much to be grateful for—good friends both near and far, a warm and (mostly) comfortable home, nourishing food, overall health, our careers (and my job), cars that get us where we're going, and plenty of resources and tools when we need them. We've even hung onto some of those earliest gardeners who became our friends, and I'm so grateful they continue on this journey with us. 

Lush life: first year with Urban Garden Share.  Shiv, 
our neighbor, often sang mantras to the plants, saying it 
helped them grow. Together, we created something amazing.  

This year I recommitted to writing and for the most part, I've penned my thoughts about once a week. Some posts take longer than others, or morph in an unexpected direction, so which day they publish isn't guaranteed. But I have a lot more to say and share, hopefully with insights that help those who join me here. Stay tuned. 

If you like this post, or this blog resonates with you in any way, please feel free to share it, comment below, or send me a message. I'm also available for one-on-one coaching—you can find out more here.

Locker room wisdom

To borrow from Gretchern Rubin, 
author of The Happiness Project, 
my reminder to Be Laura. Life works 
so much better when I get out of my head. 

"You have to recast it. You have to do it for the women and girls who come later."

Sarah and I were chatting in the locker room tonight about how women are conditioned or socialized to second guess ourselves, to somehow devalue ourselves, or otherwise feel and act 'less than' and hold ourselves back.

Prior to a recent job interview, she suggested I watch Amy Cuddy's TedTalk on shaping our confidence by adjusting our body language. Our stance can increase or decrease our testosterone and cortisol, which affect how we project confidence--in just two minutes! Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In also speaks to this, writing "fake it till you feel it" by assuming a high-power pose.

Sarah and I know each other only in passing, usually coming or going from the pool. Still, I'm glad to know her. Her advice was well-timed; I watched the talk and stood a little taller at my interview.

Tonight, I mentioned that I thought my interview went well. I genuinely liked everyone I met and how they conducted the interview process; I'm confident I'd not only excel in the job, but thrive, and I'd love to do it. It's a huge opportunity to make a difference, and I feel like I'm a good fit in every way. And, I have no way to gauge the outcome. I find myself fighting back old beliefs about self-worth, what I deserve, and projecting what others might think. It's time for a mental reboot.

Recast your story... 

Sarah's recasting her own story--for herself, her daughter, and those who come after. "I applied for an award, and I didn't think I'd get it. I told everyone I wouldn't get it. And I got it." I don't know what Sarah does for work; another frequent swimmer once mentioned she's a researcher at a local university. She wasn't going to apply; her coworkers encouraged her, saying if she couldn't do it for herself, she had to do it for others. For them. For those who come after. To make it easier or even possible.

What she said next makes so much sense: We'll do anything for others, especially those who may be at a disadvantage, like children or aging parents. We'll step out of what's comfortable, take a risk, speak out, speak up on their behalf.

So... here's the reframe: What if we take a risk on our own behalf because it paves the way for those who follow? If it's hard to do something for ourselves, can we find a way to do it because, ultimately, helping ourselves helps others, either directly or indirectly? It's a bit like the airplane mask analogy, or like paying forward, or living well by doing good. By recasting our inner dialogue so that taking a risk or speaking out on our own behalf benefits another, somehow it becomes easier, whether applying for an award, negotiating a salary increase, or lobbying for ourselves to land that just-right job. The playing field still isn't equal, but if we can put ourselves out there a little more each day, we'll get closer.


...and cast out old beliefs


I recognize those old beliefs no longer serve me, and I am recasting those, too. Casting them out, in fact. They are untrue stories, learned a lifetime ago. I am worthy and deserving, because I am. No more, no less. Hands on hips, head held high, eyes ahead, I've got this. I get it. I'm on it.


Addendum: This post was written prior to the released Trump tape that he described as "locker room talk". I do have a few things to say about that, but I'll save that for later.