The way things are, and the way things were

I've often said, "There but for the grace..." in terms of where I am in life. I lament that I'm not further along with my career, at my age, that I haven't accomplished the proverbial more, that I haven't done so much of what I say I want.

But the truth is, given where I could be, it's rather miraculous that I made it this far. Growing up, I had no voice. I was taught to be obedient and do the 'right' thing. I learned that girls shouldn't be too smart. Competition wasn't encouraged, but pleasing others, or aquiessing, was.

In my teens, I had no guidance, no parameters. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places. My best friends were troubled. The path I took was tough. I made bad choices. And while no longer part of my life for more years than not, many of those best friends are no longer living - their road was rougher than mine. There are some barely alive, a few live on and off the streets. No, not everyone I knew traveled that road, and many are doing well, but those closest to me during some very formative years - Shelley, Dorci, Huck, Lauri, Dawn - took a very different path. And that could have been me.

So I count my blessings and feel grateful for where I am when I remember. Somehow, I've traveled to a decent place with just a bare bones road map, some deep seated values unearthed during crisis, and a strong will to survive.

I still lament. I read the Art of Non-Conformity and my soul aches to be brave and do more. But my own realities slow me down. I don't feel smart enough, good enough, experienced enough, whole enough... hence my last post on not striving for perfection.

I say slow, because I'm know I'm moving forward, but the steps sometimes feel miniscule. Compassion helps. When I look back, recognize and accept, I can take those steps forward. I have walked through fears, rewritten stories, undone beliefs that were barriers. It's such a damn process, though, and I wish I just intrinsically knew that I can do whatever I choose. That I have the power to make it work.

I know that I have not settled. I have used sheer will to make my life non-standard in so many ways.

I have come a long way and I have time to go further and create the world I want. I intend to do at least some of the things I say I want to do. Travel, write, advocate. In a bigger, more satisfying way. I would love to do these professionally, but even to do more personally would be a greater step. The big picture is still unclear - in part because I've never let myself dream or trust I can create - but I want boats, water, healthy food, wellness, travel, nature, entertainment, culture, people to all factor in in some way. Flexibility to explore, experience, and learn are essential.

There's a part of me that feels very strongly that I am supposed to be more entrepreneurial. Over a number of years, I have taken classes, workshops, drafted plans, and talked with small business groups. But I guess I want a safety net, and I don't have one.

I want the courage to take more risks and do them more quickly. To let go of that rope, as a friend once suggested, and start something, create something.