Doing the hard things

In my last post, I quoted Soulful Simplicity about doing the things you don't want to do, so you can do the things you want to do later on. As a coach and follower of coaches, self-help authors, and wellness types, I'm seeing a lot right now about how we have to do the hard things.

I wish I'd had that mindset when I was younger. 

Don't get me wrong. Life was hard, so in that sense, I did hard things. Throughout my teens and early adulthood, life was very hard. A high school friend has long said we went to "handle it school" because if we learned nothing else, we learned to handle almost anything -- any crisis or problem -- growing up in our neighborhood. But those aren't the type of hard things, nor the mindset, I'm referring to. Many hard-learned lessons later, I realize that while I didn't grow up in ideal circumstances, I also made my life much harder by getting in my own way. 

How do you know if you're in your own way?  

When you feel like nothing's working, or if where you're headed isn't where you want to go, you might be getting in your own way. If you find yourself always struggling, or consistently unhappy.

How did we get here? We may not know any better, especially when we're young. We're products of our environment and our experience, and even our DNA, and if you're like me and didn't have many good role models, it takes a while to figure it out.

So much of what we experience is mindset--a concept that can be challenging to understand. Because at my core I believed life was hard, I (unknowingly) looked for evidence in every circumstance to support my belief. And because I believed life was hard, I looked for and drew to me circumstances that made life harder than it had to be. I'm not saying that many of the bad and sad things that happened during my early years were my fault -- by no means was I responsible for predatory men, belittling teachers, absent adults, and bullies and friends more fucked up than me. But because of my beliefs, which included what I felt I deserved, I put myself in a lot of situations that could only result in harm or hardship. 

Even though I intellectually understood some of this in my twenties, having learned a bit about 'new thought' philosophies, creative visualization, quantum physics and energy, etc., those early beliefs by then were buried deep in my bones and drove much of my experience, running below the surface of everything I did. Not until yet another devastating circumstance presented itself did I finally break free. 

A wise therapist helped me shift my thinking. Among other things, she asked if I believed life was hard, and when I said yes, she asked, "what if life just is?" What if the universe, or whatever you believe in, is neutral, and your circumstances are a reflection of what you believe? 

I'd have done a whole lot of things differently. 

I used to think I wanted life to be easy. Growing up, I thought life was supposed to be easy and was always astonished when it wasn't. Because I was so afraid of failing, of looking stupid, because everything seemed hard, I regularly chose the path of least resistance, or what felt like the easiest way. Except it wasn't ever easy, and in fact, that mindset made everything much harder. I was an intentional underachiever because so much felt too hard and I was scared.

But looking back at my accomplishments, the greatest satisfaction came as a result of hard work - - from effort made, energy expended, challenges accepted... sometimes involving strife or heartache or walking through fear, and almost always learning something new or different.

Although not aware while doing these things, I did a lot of hard-for-me things over time, without really thinking about how hard they'd be.

Some of my hard things? Honestly, I don't think I expected to live a long life, so I didn't take particularly good care of myself when I was young. I smoked and abused myself during my teen years, but decisively stopped all that when I realized I was going to be around a while and wanted a better life. I watched my mom and other family members succumb to illness, and deliberately made choices like eating better and exercising that support a healthier life. I determinedly put myself through college when it seemed nearly impossible. I wanted a career that included writing, so I carefully and mindfully carved out a path. I wanted a different result when a relationship nearly ended so I went to therapy and uncovered those deeply held beliefs -- and made a conscious effort to change them.

In hindsight, these were the hard things I had to do for a better life later, although at the time, I wasn't aware of that mindset.   

We can do the hard things. Sometimes it's just saying no to a second helping (noticing my own patterns), or starting an exercise program by moving your body 10 minutes every morning, or unlearning an unhealthy behavior. Sometimes it's calling an estranged relative or friend, setting aside a need to "be right" and instead choosing the relationship, or setting boundaries with someone who crosses them. Sometimes it's much harder, like forgiving yourself or someone who harmed you, or being compassionate with yourself, or finding gratitude for just one thing each day. 

Do the small things every day,
and they'll lead to big things. 

If you want something, be intentional. If it feels hard, start small. And know that if it feels hard, it's probably worth it. Get clear about your priorities, then map out a plan. Create daily routines or rituals and then methodically take the steps -- every day -- that lead you there.  

Sometimes I still hope for luck. But experience tells me that luck comes to those who do the work. My mom, not a religious woman by any stretch, always said that "god helps those who help themselves."  

I don't know about you, but if I'm going to grow old, and I hope to, I want to be healthy, and able-bodied, with the means to afford a decent life. While I know there are many circumstances over which I have no control, I can make choices that, should I get to grow old, increase my odds of enjoying those later years more than I enjoyed my younger years. Most days, I can do the hard things. 

I don't think we all need luxury homes and and exotic cars -- although if that's your jam, then by all means, work to create it. That said, I believe I deserve a life with "better problems", as author Mark Manson refers to them in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I think we all do.

So if you're in your own way like I was, take steps every day to create the life you want, even if it feels hard. Work toward having better problems. I no longer believe life is hard, even though some things feel hard.

Remember that saying, "Life's what you make it"? For the vast majority of us who are of sound mind, that's pretty much it.  

Life just is.