Do ethics matter? What about our gaps?

On Monday, we had a speaker on campus to talk with us about ethics at work - oh so important in a work environment and in mine, perhaps more so than some. But what fascinated me was how he opened the conversation by asking us about our personal values. A few key points stood out and I thought I'd share - because it became very clear that it's from our values that our personal and work ethics stem.

Shades of blue and gray: Oregon coast south of
Cannon Beach (April 2013)

Gaps and gray areas

Our speaker, Bill Grace, who founded the Center for Ethical Leadership, noted when he asked us about our values that no matter how saintly we consider ourselves (or not), we all have gaps. All of us. And there are many shades of gray. He also acknowledged that most of us want to close those gaps once we know they exist - but it's the knowing part that's sometimes the hardest. Most of us have a pretty strong sense of what's wrong or right, yet those the gaps can be hard to see because, like it or not, we have our biases based on our backgrounds, experiences, knowledge, and our own moral compass.

One way Bill suggested we assess where we are is to look at our calendars and our checkbooks. Does how we spend our time (and I have to add, who we spend it with...), or how we spend our money, line up with what we say we value? That's a useful benchmark. I know I'm not there yet. At least in a few areas there's room for improvement (ahem... shop therapy, anyone?).

Shared experience

He also explained that we - the collective we - share at least a handful of personal values. His experience shows that, whether in a room of 80 or 8000 people, at least one out of eight common values are shared, with love, family and integrity the top three. He did an exercise to demonstrate this, and our group of 150 shared at least one in seven. Of those three, my top value is integrity - in a sense, an umbrella value for me under which things like honesty, doing what you say you're going to do (or clean it up) and acting ethically fall under.

A particularly fascinating reminder was about the Pledge of Allegiance, something I haven't thought about for a very long time, but it's pertinent given the gay marriage legislation being considered in states around the country. Written in 1892, the closing line reads, "and liberty and justice for all." (By the way, for those of you who don't know, "under God" was added to the pledge in the 1950s). But in 1892, there were many gaps in terms of who 'all' included. Women didn't yet have the vote. It wasn't until the 1960s that the Civil Rights Act was passed. And today, civil liberties are still unavailable to certain segments of the population - and dare I say it, some could be considered threatened.

Doing the right thing

Distinctions in leadership were made: Are you a transactional or a transformational leader? Both are acceptable forms of leadership and have value. But transactional leadership is about doing things the right way, whereas transformational leadership is doing the right thing, even if it isn't the popular thing. Bill challenged us to "stay in deep water and work to resolve" the things that are important - and to do the right thing, even if it isn't the easy answer.

Lastly, we talked about ethical dilemmas and how important it is to remember there's a human being at the other end of a decision. As author Stephen Covey suggests, look for the win-win. Don't necessarily choose justice over mercy, or vice versa, just because a policy dictates something. Policies and laws aren't always right, and as mentioned, there are many gray areas. Instead, what if there's a third possible option that's both just and merciful?

So just what is ethics? 

Our ethics are derived from what we value. It's doing the right thing. Your heart or your gut (whichever one you listen to) usually knows what that is. In coaching, one of the first things we look at when checking in with ourselves or working with a client is what we most value. It's in part how we measure progress. How do these things we say are so important actually line up with what we do?

Celebrating older women

I heard a story on our local NPR station recently that piqued my curiosity enough to explore further. New York photographer Ari Cohen has made it his mission to photograph style mavens over 60 on the streets of New York. Despite their advancing age (many are in their 80s and 90s), they're still very much embracing and celebrating life and themselves, and living out loud with what they wear.

Check it out here.

As a young girl, I was surrounded by interesting older women. Friends of my grandmother - Mary Swift and Mary McKagen (grandmother of Duff) - were stylish, creative, talented, outspoken, and both very prominent figures in my life at different times. A pale yellow skirt made from fine wool with exquisite detailing by Mrs. Swift was my introduction to couture at a very young age. Ms. McKagen's sense of humor stayed with her 'til her final days and my visits with her are unforgettable.

There was Hazel Schultz, a friend of my father who kept his memory alive for me. She was a hat model in the 1920s. The afternoon we spent in her attic opening hat box after hat box was my version of heaven at that moment. Already a hat collector, she sent me home with a couple dozen ranging from 1940s military style, 1950s pillboxes to 1960s mod and so many more. The stories behind those hats! If only I'd written them down...

My neighbors Mrs. Bean, Dorothy, Old Mrs. Wurm and the spinster Miss G (whose German last name was hard to pronounce) each had their own special style and made their contributions to the world and my life. I'm also lucky enough to have hats from each of them except Miss G, who insisted on wearing scarves to cover her thinning hair (one of those many things we potentially have to look forward to...).

My great aunt Vernis was my own Auntie Mame. Her laughter and zest for life were contagious, and she always maintained a positive outlook. When her second husband died after a long illness, she reconnected with her first husband who was still wildly in love with her. They remarried, and spent much of their final years together boating in the San Juan Islands. She drove a Cadillac, wore bright colors, always had her hair done, and never left the house without makeup. With no children of her own, she indulged me in meaningful ways. It was from her that I developed my love for vintage clothes, hats, gloves and handbags, playing dress-up with her lovely castoffs. She was a rare gift - so different than the others in my family.

These are just a few who have inspired me and who I could aspire to be like as I age.

I love it when stereotypes are smashed and cultural myths about aging defied. This becomes more important to me as I age and contemplate what aging means to me. One day I will be considered 'old' by societal standards. What does that look like? I certainly don't want to feel old. And I don't want my style to be dictated by my age - how I dress, the length of my skirt or how I wear my hair. And I really don't want collective expectations to hinder my ability to live as loudly and fully as possible.

What concepts about aging do you want to break?

By the way, I'm excited to note there's an Advanced Style documentary film in the works to be released sometime this year. I don't know any more details but if I hear of any, I'll post them here.

Managing expectations, dealing with disappointment... and the stories they trigger

I should be on a plane to Singapore on Friday. A relatively short trip - just over a week, but an opportunity to see Forrest after six months apart and explore an intriguing destination together - a place I've read about, heard about, thought about, and wanted to visit for a long time. Ideally, a longer trip would encompass travel to other destinations in the area: various parts of Thailand, Vietnam, Bali, Kuala Lumpur... to name just a few. But I was so looking forward to this trip, regardless. To seeing Forrest, to going somewhere I've never been, to vacation time, to play time, hanging out, laughing... something I'm currently in need of.

I bought my ticket on April 1. I waited until Forrest confirmed the ship he's on would be in port on the scheduled dates with no change in plans. But still it wasn't meant to be - the shipping line decided last minute on a cost saving measure, anchoring in international waters with no 'launch' service - meaning the crew can't go ashore. I cancelled my flight on April 9. I don't think I have words that are any better than his, so you can read his blog post here.

This was quite a letdown - one of many since his flight left Seattle October 17, albeit the biggest. Our communication options have been terrible - before he signed on, we thought "modern shipping line - no problem." We expected we'd have internet, Skype, email... Instead, we've had horrible satellite phone conversations - bad connections, delays, disconnections... And email is sent and received from the ship once a day to his crew email address. When he's in port, he has SIM cards that allow him to make and receive calls from his cell phone, and gives him internet access - when they work. We thought we'd be able to meet in a port or two - we planned to meet in Savannah in December before he started his second Atlantic crossing to Gibraltar and points beyond. But the ship's schedule changed.

This last disappointment triggered a lot of old stories and beliefs about my self worth, what I can have, what I deserve, whether my life matters or works, and if I should even be here (I'm really not being dramatic - I grew up with this crap in the recesses of my brain... and there's a bit more to this story: I have guidebook after guidebook of places I've planned to visit and have only managed to get to a minute few over a vast number of years). It feels unfair.

These are all interesting things to notice. The stories don't run me anymore, and they rarely even make an appearance. And when they do, they don't stay very long. Awareness is key. I now know these are stories that were developed from events, experiences, and other people's perspectives - and they aren't true. But they were part of my inner dialogue for so long that at low points, when I'm least prepared, they come back in a flash and nearly blindside me.

What shifts me away and into a better place? After awareness comes acceptance and compassion. Seriously, compassion for myself had to be one of the hardest things I've had to learn, but the choice is really simple. Now that I can see the difference, it's really the only choice.

Because I know the old stories aren't true and I can put perspective around the feelings, I can more quickly see beyond my immediate sadness and disappointment. Practicing compassion helps me move toward self empowerment. Forrest will be home in just over five weeks. One day, I will make travel happen and I will go to the places I've dreamed about for so long because I know how to do things differently now and make different choices (I did actually buy this ticket, didn't I? That's a step closer!). Together, Forrest and I have been laying a foundation to create these opportunities, and this is merely a minor setback. Really.

This too shall pass. And as I have been reminded, all things do seem to happen for a reason and at some point, that reason will likely be apparent. I'll stay open and see what shows up.

Meanwhile, I'm hitting my reset button and giving myself plenty of room. At the beach.


Update 4/12/13: While not particularly relevant, it did make me laugh about 'being triggered.'