The power of words

So much of how we are in the world has to do with words. Our self-talk, our inner critic, our self-reflection. My inner critic has always been pretty vocal, and it's the negative words of my childhood (and a few past relationships) that often scream the loudest. Among them (but not limited to): "You're lazy." "You're smart, but you'll never amount to anything." "You're a fuck up." "You're selfish." "You're stupid."  "You have no talent." "You're boring."

So who exactly spoke those words? Family, teachers, parents of friends, and later, bosses, boyfriends and even my (now ex-) husband. Authority figures. Peers. Partners. Fallible people who didn't know the lasting impact of the words they chose, or thought their words might scare me "into shape."

But they didn't scare me into shape, and the words and what I made them mean stuck. They can loop around like a wheel with a hyperactive hamster running the show. The actual words are in large part forgotten, but what I made them mean and the words I replaced them with are not. I created my own vocabulary from my assumptions and interpretations, which then continually tripped me up and stopped me. Things like "you're not good enough;" "you don't deserve (insert desire - or even need - here)" and "you're not worthy." These lived within me as beliefs and stories that influenced much of my behavior and choices.

But I now know those beliefs and stories I created aren't true, and that the words and the meaning I gave them can also be replaced. But this time with empowering words that support me and give me the freedom to live my life according to my own voice.

My new vocabulary? I am dynamic, fiery, independent, and resoundingly capable. I am caring and generous, passionate and purposeful. I know that I'm valuable, and that the lessons of my early years help me to be empathetic and understanding. I have gained wisdom and insight that helps me help others. And these are all powerful, fabulous words, and very genuine.

Without question, I am courageous. I have walked through fears, shifted my views, and now, I am shaping my future.

New York City... as luck would have it

The conference I registered for in October was fortuitously rescheduled to begin November 26, the week following Thanksgiving, which meant I was headed for the east coast on the first work day following a four-day holiday weekend. Not one to miss an opportunity, I graciously accepted a standing offer to have Thanksgiving dinner with a friend and her family in New Jersey, something we'd talked about for years but hadn't been able to make happen. I made arrangements through work to extend the trip since I'd be traveling anyway, and the plan was made.

What a lucky gal I am! A memorable Thanksgiving of about 30, followed by a breakfast of bagels and lox for 20, I now have "family" in the northeast. Delicious food, a friendly bunch, and a welcome I barely experience from my own family made the two days more than worthwhile. And what came next... well, I'm feeling even luckier.

But first... a lesson learned: Bring a hair dryer. Nothing sucks more than knowing you (well, I) have perpetually bad hair and there's not much I can do about it. A flat iron wasn't enough - a hair dryer and proper products are now a must for any trip.



Prohibition Bakery

That said, the Saturday following the eating festivities saw my pal Sheryl and me in the big city. By train from Metuchin, we arrived in Manhattan mid-afternoon and took a cab to our overnight residence at cousin Matt's. We had dinner reservations and theatre tickets at The Public Theatre thanks to another cousin, Bobbie, whose place we stayed at the following night. Our dinner at Pylos was fabulous, particularly a roasted beet and feta mousse appetizer, and this was following a stop at Prohibition Bakery in the Lower East Side, which we stumbled upon as we walked from point A to point B (try a cupcake made with Guinness, or laced with rum and brown butter... and tell me it's not one of the best things you've tasted in a very long time...). We had a quick peak at Alphabet City; probably my only disappointment with this trip was no time on St. Mark's Place - a favorite of previous visits. The production we saw was a musical rendition of James Dean's Giant - not recommended, unfortunately, but it was still a thrill for me to be at the theatre.

Sunday was hosted by cousin Todd, who took us to breakfast at Spitzer's Corner where pork belly was on the menu. Stumptown Coffee is the brewer of choice in many NYC locales, and I inhaled several cups with a delicious spinach omelette. A walking tour of the Lower East Side and East Village followed. I haven't walked this much in longer than I can remember. My plantar fasciitis (both feet) screamed loudly, but not loudly enough for me to stop. There was too much to see and do. 



The Dough Satellite

After a final cup from the Roasting Plant on Orchard Street (where I learned WHY we should choose beans that aren't very oily, instead of just because), Todd dropped us at Bobbie's place in Chelsea, and after settling in, we set about shopping. We'd consulted a 20-something cousin on Thanksgiving of the hip places to go, and found ourselves at Zara, Loehmann's, and other shops now unrecalled. A faux fur later and a follow up trip to The Loft for 40% off, I barely got my suitcase closed for the return trip. We relaxed over Italian for dinner at Crispo, picked up some cupcakes at Cake, then watched a cable show all about the fabulous desserts they're turning out in Brooklyn. Including a doughnut shop called Dough, which to my delight had a satellite at Bryant Park, where food, craft and various other vendors set up for some holiday sales. I think a future trip to NYC will require a venture into Brooklyn. 

Monday's breakfast found us at a little creperie, La Grainne Cafe, where on Sylvia's recommendation, I had the goat cheese crepe, more coffee, and some delicious bread and jam. Very French, and quite delightful. Sheryl informed me that Ethan Hawke came in, but uncultured as I am these days, I didn't recognize him. I saw many faces throughout my week that sported famous looking features, but I honestly just don't know. 

After some much needed and enjoyable girl time, I left my friend mid-day and checked into the Bellvedere, a 1920s deco hotel on 48th and 8th in midtown, and after checking in with work, set off on my own to explore the city. The conference I went there to attend was thankfully informative and very worthwhile, but every non-conference, non-sleeping, non-working moment was spent exploring the city. It's the first time I've been there on my own. Here's a sampling of where I walked:

• Fifth Avenue
• Park Avenue
• Madison Avenue
• Garment District
• Diamond District
• Times Square
• Theatre District (Broadway and 42nd, anyone?)
• Columbus Circle
• Central Park South
• Bryant Park / NYC Library
• 9th Avenue (Chelsea, Clinton, Hell's Kitchen, etc.)
• Hudson River walk
• Lincoln Center
• (and with Sheryl: Chelsea, Lower East Side, East Village, and Alphabet City)

... to name a few. I strolled through Tiffany's, gawked at the Trump Tower (really??? ugh...), saw holiday windows at Saks, Lord & Taylor and Bloomingdales (oh yeah, and Harry Winston), got caught in the crowds for the Rockefeller Center tree lighting (but skipped the official lighting because of the crowds), explored the exquisite food court at The Plaza, ate sushi, got take-out beans and rice, had a few slices of pizza, a decadent dessert or two... and walked. I stopped in at St. Patrick's cathedral, an awe-inspiring place if there ever was one, and offered a thank you for my good fortune and grace to those in need. The cathedral interior is stunning; I think each time I've been to the city, and this time no exception, the exterior was covered in scaffolding. I remember being awed by the architecture styles and the magnificence of so many buildings, but the sheer number of amazingly beautiful churches and cathedrals I noticed this time was surprising. I have been to St. Patrick's and Trinity (near Ground Zero, where I went previously but not this time), and St. Patrick's really is the crown jewel with its absolute beauty and heartwarming history. 

A dinner with Forrest's cousin Heather in Harlem was the family and cat fix I needed - Persians Madison and Lexington are entertaining just by their presence; although the feisty Madison left me with a few little reminders since I can't resist a fluffy cat belly. We had some good girl time, good food, and generally caught up. A later post-conference reception at the Microsoft office was uninspiring.

Anne Lamott and Gretchin Rubin

Another fortuitous event... a few days prior to leaving Seattle, I noticed a Facebook post by Anne Lamott, an author I admire and whose book Bird by Bird helped me let go of my fear of writing. She would be speaking at Symphony Space on the upper west side on November 29 - my last night in the city. I hesitated for about a second or so, then clicked on the link and bought my ticket. I figured that if I couldn't make it for some reason - too tired after the conference, not able to get uptown, whatever, it wasn't so much money that I'd regret buying it if I couldn't get there. But New York City subways are the shit, and it's incredibly easy to get around (mind you, contrary to the rumor, New Yorkers are also friendly and forthcoming, and happy to answer a question or three when asked, particularly if you need to make sure you're heading in the right direction at a subway stop). Even with the recent devastation by Hurricane Sandy, most of the systems are now up and running. And while much damage was done and there are still many needs, New Yorkers are resilient and the city really doesn't sleep for anyone. 

Cupcakes and macarons are everywhere in the city, and there's absolutely no type of food you can't find. The entirety of Ninth Avenue may be my new favorite for eating - slightly off the beaten tourist path with small little cafes lining the street, along with hardware and pet stores, laundromats and groceries, delis and shoe stores, small businesses and pharmacies, clothing and thrift stores, bakeries and gift shops. I feel like I missed a bit, but really, between this and earlier trips, I have experienced much of New York, from watching the ball drop at midnight on New Year's Eve, to shopping on Canal Street, dining in Tribeca, sipping java in Greenwich Village, brunching in SoHo, feeling reverent at Ground Zero (and previously the Twin Towers), to gasping at the magnificence from the top of the Empire State Building. I would still like to visit some of the galleries and museums, sail out to the Statue of Liberty, take in some jazz, cross over the Brooklyn Bridge and explore the outer reaches, but there will be other trips and as trips go, this one can't be beat.

Soaking up the energy of a place - the people, the architecture, the neighborhoods, the smells, the way the air feels and the cultural quirks - the sheer diversity of a place makes leaving home so worthwhile. It's energizing, validating and enlivening. 

I am home now and while the cat was unsure about what to do when I walked in the door (he pulled his infamous disappearing act for the catsitters), it's a quiet house right now. But I loved my visit to the northeast - every single second of it, and I am, indeed, feeling pretty lucky.