The way things are, and the way things were

I've often said, "There but for the grace..." in terms of where I am in life. I lament that I'm not further along with my career, at my age, that I haven't accomplished the proverbial more, that I haven't done so much of what I say I want.

But the truth is, given where I could be, it's rather miraculous that I made it this far. Growing up, I had no voice. I was taught to be obedient and do the 'right' thing. I learned that girls shouldn't be too smart. Competition wasn't encouraged, but pleasing others, or aquiessing, was.

In my teens, I had no guidance, no parameters. I looked for love and approval in all the wrong places. My best friends were troubled. The path I took was tough. I made bad choices. And while no longer part of my life for more years than not, many of those best friends are no longer living - their road was rougher than mine. There are some barely alive, a few live on and off the streets. No, not everyone I knew traveled that road, and many are doing well, but those closest to me during some very formative years - Shelley, Dorci, Huck, Lauri, Dawn - took a very different path. And that could have been me.

So I count my blessings and feel grateful for where I am when I remember. Somehow, I've traveled to a decent place with just a bare bones road map, some deep seated values unearthed during crisis, and a strong will to survive.

I still lament. I read the Art of Non-Conformity and my soul aches to be brave and do more. But my own realities slow me down. I don't feel smart enough, good enough, experienced enough, whole enough... hence my last post on not striving for perfection.

I say slow, because I'm know I'm moving forward, but the steps sometimes feel miniscule. Compassion helps. When I look back, recognize and accept, I can take those steps forward. I have walked through fears, rewritten stories, undone beliefs that were barriers. It's such a damn process, though, and I wish I just intrinsically knew that I can do whatever I choose. That I have the power to make it work.

I know that I have not settled. I have used sheer will to make my life non-standard in so many ways.

I have come a long way and I have time to go further and create the world I want. I intend to do at least some of the things I say I want to do. Travel, write, advocate. In a bigger, more satisfying way. I would love to do these professionally, but even to do more personally would be a greater step. The big picture is still unclear - in part because I've never let myself dream or trust I can create - but I want boats, water, healthy food, wellness, travel, nature, entertainment, culture, people to all factor in in some way. Flexibility to explore, experience, and learn are essential.

There's a part of me that feels very strongly that I am supposed to be more entrepreneurial. Over a number of years, I have taken classes, workshops, drafted plans, and talked with small business groups. But I guess I want a safety net, and I don't have one.

I want the courage to take more risks and do them more quickly. To let go of that rope, as a friend once suggested, and start something, create something.

Aiming for excellence, not perfection...

... and really, even excellence is subjective, so I'm not sure it's really a worthy goal. The bottom line is that I just want to write more blog posts, focus on things that matter - things I think we should all know about, to some degree care about (like air, water, garbage, food quality, each other, etc.), and maybe make some new connections. And not worry about waiting until I have a perfectly formed idea, or a perfectly written piece, or an original thought (of which really isn't possible anymore, only variations on themes, at least for the vast majority). Or until I'm really clear on where I want this blog to go next...

So what might I write more posts about?

Food and farms are big for me - and how they interconnect with our overall well-being - mentally and emotionally as well as our physical health. Fighting big ag and companies like Monsanto are worthy of effort, and of sharing information about. Supporting local farming businesses - including the newer urban neighborhood farms - is essential to make sure we have land for a nearby food supply.

Toxins are a big one, too. What we put on our skin gets sucked into our tissues, our cells, and every other part of us. And if it's full of toxic chemicals, well, hello. It's like a slow intravenous drip, sending poison into our bodies a drop at a time. I haven't yet read The Toxic Avenger, a book by a neighborhood author, but I'm curious. Prior to writing the book, she already lived a fairly au natural lifestyle, yet toxicity testing still revealed a high level of chemical crud in her blood. These particular additives have only been around the last 50 or 60 years... we don't really know what their long-term impact will be. Marketed as "safe," it's really just a guessing game, or a crap shoot. The FDA is a virtually useless agency, so if you're counting on them for protection through testing, well, don't.

Or maybe I'll write about the little things that piss me off, that I also think we should all be aware of, like the impact stupid drivers have on all the other drivers on the road. Like using the far left lane on the freeway as a cruising lane, rather than a passing lane. It's illegal, people! But obviously that law isn't enforced. Can you say accident? Or at the very least, the potentially damaging rise in blood pressure of those stuck behind the unconscious or self-serving driver.

These are things I might write about here. But what do these and other similar topics have to do with Growing Things? Maybe growing awareness, or growing responsibility toward others who either benefit or are inadvertently harmed by the choices I make. It's something I believe we all should be thinking more about. The impact we have on the world around us - whether in our own backyards, or in our global community.

We'll see. It's been a very long time since I've posted and writing is essential in my world.