It's time. It's time to look ahead, to create my own future, authentically, with commitment. To let go of what was for what can be. "Once one is committed..."
Gardening, the initial focus of this blog, is something I feel spiritually connected to but don't currently have the physical capacity for. Other priorities have taken hold.
I still have a community garden in my yard, and I am so grateful for those who garden here, and the friends I've made because of it. I love the garden. Being in a garden - this garden - connects me with so much of who I am. Leaving it may be one of the hardest things I'll ever do. But honestly, it's bittersweet, and I'm ready to leave all the history and memories behind. And, beyond its beauty, it's more work that I can manage - even with help. Perhaps its fertile soil can seed something new and wonderful. Ideally, it'll hold its place in the urban agriculture movement.
I love my community, but I'm ready to leave the wet northwest. The city and the neighborhood where I grew up have changed exponentially, as has my second home of Vancouver, and I don't love what any of these once magical places has become. And while there are countless memorable moments - family, friends, sweet pets, neighbors long gone... there are also painful memories - throughout childhood, my teens, and adulthood - that I'm still reminded of as I go from place to place. I'd rather have the fond memories and leave the painful ones in place.
I'm ready to let go of much of my work. I've been working in this field in some capacity or other since my late 20s. I'm now closing in on 50, and still, my career is unsatisfying and unrewarding, and to quote a friend, I've never really had 'traction.' I'm frustrated by the limited professional growth, the corporate structure, being a cog in a wheel, creativity constrained, here to implement and follow protocol. I've yet to find "my place." I now have a much better idea why this has been my experience. So it feels like it's time to let go and try something different.
And I'm finally ready to leave my home. While I feel spiritually connected to the garden, my house will be difficult and complicated for other reasons. I co-own it with my uncle, so I'd like it to be a shared decision. It's also been both my "safe place," and my shackle. It's one of the few constants in my life - always here, a place I could always come "home" to. So many who visit say how wonderful it is, and in many ways, they're right. But it's time to let go. My mother called it a ball and chain. In many ways, she was also right. She said I'd have pictures and memories.
Living here keeps me from fully living the life I want to live. I didn't want to come back to Seattle, and didn't think I would. I never thought I'd live in this house again, and here I am. There's so much of the world to see and experience, and in my deepest core, I feel compelled to see, do, experience, learn, and ultimately, contribute more. In many ways, I feel like a part of me continues to live someone else's life as long as I'm here, under their rules and beliefs, and the stories I created as a result. I'm grateful to this place - my home. But it's time to let go and and live fully on my terms, risks and all, with what I believe to be true for me, and new interpretations. I made my choices, and I own them, but now I know that many were based on incorrect information and assumptions.
These changes won't happen quickly; I have time to make some peace with the parts that will be most difficult, but I know a shift has taken place.
We've also lost one more kitty... We lost Photon earlier this month - so it feels like there are now fewer reasons to stay. Even Nightmare seems different somehow - lonely, discontent. We're talking about taking him out on the boat to try and get him to be a boat kitty so he can come with us when we're out. I hope it works. I hate leaving here without him - even to go to work. He likes to fly - perhaps he'll like to sail...
All this insight - after nearly two years of therapy! Change is coming, and it's good. We've now outlined a plan. It's mostly still a secret... (and no, I'm not worried since no one reads this and I'm really just writing here for me, for now)... putting this out there, really, for the universe and anyone who stumbles on it to see and know; it's a statement of my intention so there can be no doubts. When the time is right, I'll share this with those who need to know.
I don't yet have the timing for any of this, but I know it must be. I will miss so much, but there is also much to look forward to. An indefinite sailing trip is imminent. Eager now, to make it happen sooner. Life is short, and it's feeling more urgent.
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