Cultivating a life on my own

I'm starting over. Again. It's time to cultivate my inner garden and explore what I want my life to look like. It's shifting gears and recognizing that the life I thought I had was only my perception, and the plans I'd made, in their most recent version, are no longer possible.

My desires and dreams remain - to create a life outside the status quo, to live differently, to live fully. To explore and experience the wider world in a bigger way. But how I'm going to do that, and when, has changed. And I'm planning it on my own.

Acceptance is slowly taking hold, but it's hard. Like in a card game, my hand was forced. I'd have preferred to get here differently, with less pain. But pain facilitates change and growth if healing work is undertaken, and I know I'll come out stronger, better, and ready for the life I want.

Closing doors and opening windows for new opportunities to arrive... To see my life as my own, and no one else's, to create what my innermost self says it needs and wants. To listen to that inner voice, and visualize a bigger picture. The steps will show up and fall into place. I'm trusting the process whenever I can, trying to 'get myself out of the way.'

I don't ever want to compromise my integrity, or my desire to be kind. It's always been important to me to consider the impact of my actions on others, yet I can see how I can easily compromise my own needs for what I believe to be the "greater good." I value loyalty. Clearly, others don't. So my first priority must now be to myself and nothing and no one else. This is hard for me, but it's a lesson I must learn.

I still believe change can come in different ways; I want to believe it's possible to effect change with kindness, gentleness and compassion. Complete destruction to create something new isn't quite what it portends when the pieces aren't all destroyed. The rubble, the very real-world responsibilities, the means to meet them... must still be addressed and worked through or around. To create something new from ashes, to have the freedom and flexibility that comes with complete destruction, isn't as available as it seems. Although perhaps this, too, is just my perception.

Regardless, cultivation is underway, and I'm doing my best to heal and visualize what I want, what I need, what I desire. To create a life outside the status quo. I've always imagined a life near water and boats, maybe on an island, somewhere warm, with flexibility to write, and be who I most want to be. I don't know where, what or how. But I'll trust those answers will come.